my mom is very possessive.. she always wants me to do things in her way..

[therezerockz]

I am 21, I have my job. i live in my mom's house..all my life i have done everything she said.. generally i've been a good daughter to her since birth! the thing is, she is very possessive.. she doesn't want me to go out just to hang with my friends..she doesn't trust me! that's what she always say to me! every time i go out she always tell me that i am with a guy which is not true..and my major problem is this.. she's not in favor with my boyfriend. she doesn't know that i am still communicating with him..she wants to find another guy for me. and i really mean it! he is looking for someone to marry me! oh man! how do i deal with her? i love her so much but i hate it when she does those kind of things.. she wants me to do things in her ways... please help me!

[Steveto]

don't worry..everyone has psycho parents..you love them, but man, sometimes they can really drive you nuts. Then again, so do the kids..

 

My mother can sometimes be EXTREMELY embarrassing..she's cool...but ..I am not gonna get into it..she is very direct, forward, blunt ..

 

The only way out of this is to move out. You heard the line.."as long as you are under MY roof, you live by MY rules"...

 

Find a way to get out..find a small apartment..start yopur own independence. I went FAR away to university..would have gone to Mongolia if I had the chance..I can't live with my mother or father..sometimes I do when I come back to visit (I live far..hehe), but after a day or so..I'm done..can't do it..

 

If I live separately, we get along great..you don't have to move too far...but I am not a model example..i think i called my mother once this year and that was mothers day...I'm kinda distant with my parents, though I am trying to improve that..

whatever you do..you have to make a decision. What kind of BF your mother wants you to have? Sometimes parents can see past that and they are wiser, but you ultimately have to make these kinds of decisions yourself. It's a life learning thing.

[monkey00]

While I agree moving out is probably the easiest way out of this, it doesnt necessarily mean it will solve the problem.

 

Sometimes you just have to learn how to say 'no' and convince them to see your point of view on things at times. I think a lot of moms are often stuck in parenting mode even after their children grow up that they dont know how to let go.

 

A lot of times action make a big statement to the parents, than does words. dont just say it, show them you're a capable adult who's responsible.

[michellerr]

Your dilemma sounds so similar to my own as I am of the same age and circumstances. What I do want you to to understand is that because you've played the "good" daughter for so long, your parents are going to expect you to continue playing the role.

 

Any drastic changes such as coming home later than usual will alert their parental instincts because this is not something they are used to dealing with. She is possessive because this is "new."

 

My advice to you is to do each thing slowly, go out and stay out a half hour-hour later than usual; make plans in advance and let them know,"I have plans on Friday night." Don't ask. Show that you are now that authoratity figure in your own life but continue to respect her rules - just do it on your own terms.

 

Good luck!

[amerikajin]

I am 21, I have my job. i live in my mom's house..all my life i have done everything she said.. generally i've been a good daughter to her since birth! the thing is, she is very possessive.. she doesn't want me to go out just to hang with my friends..she doesn't trust me! that's what she always say to me! every time i go out she always tell me that i am with a guy which is not true..and my major problem is this.. she's not in favor with my boyfriend. she doesn't know that i am still communicating with him..she wants to find another guy for me. and i really mean it! he is looking for someone to marry me! oh man! how do i deal with her? i love her so much but i hate it when she does those kind of things.. she wants me to do things in her ways... please help me!

 

Hah! Try this again when you're 33 and then you'll see how weird it is to live at home again. I've been living here temporarily after living overseas for several years, but I know what you mean. And the thing is, she probably means no harm at all; she probably justifies her controlling behavior on the grounds of love.

 

Whatever her reasons, you know in your heart that this isn't going to work, and it's good that you've got a strong sense of independence. I guess the problem is that you're struggling to find the courage to stand up to someone you've respected all these years. You don't want to upset her or hurt her feelings, but from the looks of things, you definitely need some distance.

 

I agree with the others: move out. You will never stop being her child - you can't change that. But you can change your situation so that you get your space, limit her influence on you and start taking more control of your own life. Giving your kids their freedom is not easy for parents. For one reason, some parents fear that their children are going to get hurt and there's a part of them that feels obligated to prevent that from happening. They want to watch you go through life, just as they watched you when you were out on the playground.

 

Another part of it may be personal; they might be lonely or feeling down and need some company. Sometimes parents involve themselves in their kids lives a little too much (especially in marriages) because they're afraid that they'll become marginalized and forgotten. They fear the loneliness and maybe they feel like their lives are somehow less important because of it. You have to convince them that they're still important but that they have to back off and let you become independent as they have in their lives. Maybe part of the problem, too, is that your parents' parents were also controlling and that this is the sort of behavior they learned from them.

 

Whatever the case, you always have to take control of your situation. Be fair and sensitive, but resolute.

 

Good luck.

[Aussie65]

I myself would consider moving out.If things are that difficult between you then certainly get your own space.I know that when I moved out of home my Mother and I go along so much better.Tell me though...has your Mom always been somewhat controlling?Maybe it's just in her nature and by staying there won't fix the problem.

I left home at the age of 17 and never went back lol,I loved my Mom to bits but she was similar.....not so bad though but still had her comments about my friends etc.