kalypso Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Im just wondering how many people out there stay with their spouse for the sole purpose of their children? If you do...why do you do it?? if not...when do you leave? How bad do things get before you no longer can be with your spouse? For those that stay, how do you manage to live with someone you no longer have feelings for? Please advise
mammax3 Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Hi Kalypso. I never thought I'd want to stay together 'for the kids'. But once I had them, I felt a marriage should be worked on harder than if no kids involved. It shows kids what a loving and committed family can do (providing there's no abuse of any kind) and it's hard to know if a marriage is just on a bump, and things can get better on the other side. However, my H decided that he didn't want to try on the marriage 'for the sake of the children' and so he left. I'm holding the bag while he's moved to a different city very far away from our kids. He left when he's justified it and reasoned it enough in his mind. This was 2 months before our 3rd child was born. Not vey helpful with your Q, I'm sorry, but that's how it went for me.
GALT Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 I find that the reasoning is faulty. If mom and dad are not happy, the kids will know it. They have a sense about them and they do not like it. Obviously if the issue is workable with counseling and so forth--go for it, but if not--either you are convinced or he is convinced or there is abuse, etc. Move on. The kids will be a lot happpier. I know my children are a lot happoer in two happy homes than in one miserable one.
directx Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 I love that song btw. One of Blink 182's gems. Anyway, there is no one clear answer. It depends on the situation. There are different degrees of not being happy. Obviously if someone is being abused, separation should seriously be considered. I factor in the world that is now and the world a divorce would create with kids. With separation/divorce, two households are created. You could be trading one not so good house with two bad ones. Separted parents have to be prepared for: 1) Emotional trauma of parrents separating. Level of trauma depends on age 2) Emotional trauma of mommy and daddy dating potentinally 'new' parents 3) Imagine your kids having to deal with this in school (my friend has his two parents, why cant I? 4) Fighting over custody. Fighting over visiiting times, holidays, etc. 5) If either parent is or becomes vindictive or revengeful, imagine all the manipulations they can do to make your relationship with your kids a living hell (need to work late? Forget it! 6) The whole money situation - think you are poor now? Have fun paying two mortgages. Need to use the other car? You dont have access to this anymore Im just using my imagination a LITTLE bit. I am sure worse stuff goes on. I am also sure some divorces work out fine with two rational people. So you have to ask yourself: Is your home life REALLY that bad? Could be. Could not be. No one promised anyone a fairytale marriage.
Author kalypso Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 There is no abuse...thats not the issue...there just doesnt seem to be any feelings anymore. There is minimal communication, basically sleeping in the same bed at night with nothing between us. my daughter is 4...and i have a feeling that she will be starting to see the unhappiness no matter how hard we try to mask it. I have been through this, my parents divorced when i was young...and i felt the same way...i was much happier with 2 happy homes than with my parents always fighting. We do try to not fight and argue in front of her, and we do try to be "a normal family" but i just dont know if its working. We have been unhappy for so long now that i dont know if any sort of counciling or anything else will help. but am i being selfish if i leave? What is worse for her??
GALT Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 My kids were 3 to 2nd grade when we divorced and they really know nothing else. They have adapted. I will say that my ex and I have a good relationship and are civil. That helps!
sunshinegirl Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 This topic interests me because my former boyfriend, who had been separated from his wife for over a year when we started dating, about a month ago panicked at the havoc their impending divorce would create for their 5-year old daughter. We broke up, as he is now thinking through whether divorce really is the right thing to do: should they try harder to make the marriage work, for the kid's sake? (Of course, my opinion is NO!!! His ex cheated on him and 3 years later, is still with that guy. But it's obviously not my place to say so.) For anyone who reads Carolyn Hax, the Washington Post advice columnist, she has a live chat on Fridays. This past Friday, she asked readers to reflect on having grown up with parents with unhappy marriages. They offered some surprising comments: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/discussion/2007/06/15/DI2007061501706.html
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