Miss_Bee Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 I still completely disagree. Yelling, swearing in general, saying "it's over" and being stubborn by getting the last word in is NOT "fighting dirty," but it IS an ineffective manner to have a disagreement. Fighting dirty would involve saying things like, "Get your fat ass out of my face!" or "You're just like your mom, screwing every guy in town!" or "What, are you gonna go start crying cuz I'm gonna leave you the way your daddy did?" or "It's no wonder you got fired, you can't get a damn thing through your thick blonde head!" In other words, personal attacks and cheap shots - not unlike what many posters here do to one another. Do you see the difference? To me, it's very clear. And from the description the OP makes, I'm not sure she's not also yelling, swearing, and being stubborn. I think that what you described is severely dirty, while Art makes a good point also. "saying it's over" is also a form of fighting dirty. Telling someone it's over while fighting and not entirely meaning it is manipulative. Which i think is as a matter of fact... well dirty. I am guilty of that one. In the heat of the moment people screw up and say things that they really don't mean.
halfarock Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 What I am about to suggest sounds simple, but it actually is quite effective. Simply laugh at everything he says and add nothing to the conversation. Or, if you dont have the energy, turn on the tv and go numb, tuning him out. Simply ask him to 'go on, I'm listening' but dont. Let baby haby have his trantrum. you can't be bothered. I’ve had a couple of girlfriends like the guy in the OP. My solution in every case was to laugh at her, tell her how silly she was being, make fun of her, make her mad to point of violence and then just walk away, forever.
Star Gazer Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Aren't those "retarded accusations" ? I'm giving the OP some leeway with her descriptions..also readin some between the lines.. Something tells me that she is being nice in the way she describes his anger.. I could very well see makes retarded accusations as... You are sleeping with your coworker you slut. or "It's no wonder you got fired, you can't get a damn thing through your thick blonde head".. you must be sleeping with your boss to have gotten that raise I'm not being nearly as lenient as you are with giving the OP leeway. Her lone specific example of a "retarded accusation" was as follows: "And when I say retarded accusations, I mean seriously. He accused me of smothering him and never letting him do anything alone when I decided to walk up to a buffet table at the same time as him. He said I'm always keeping an eye on him, to which i replied "Actually, I was just hungry..." Okay, so his "retarded accusation" was essentially that he believed she was clingy, wouldn't give him space to do things, and always "on him" about something. Now, her legitimate reason at that moment for being at the salad bar was likely because she was in fact hungry and wanted a salad, but her claim that this was a "retarded accusation" comes from another place - he feels she's smothering him. His statements to her that he feels smothered isn't "fighting dirty," and quite frankly, HER characterization of his comment as "retarded" is much more "dirty" than what he's telling her.
Art_Critic Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 I'm not being nearly as lenient as you are with giving the OP leeway. Her lone specific example of a "retarded accusation" was as follows: I see where you are coming from now..
Author evictorine Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 I still completely disagree. Yelling, swearing in general, saying "it's over" and being stubborn by getting the last word in is NOT "fighting dirty," but it IS an ineffective manner to have a disagreement. Fighting dirty would involve saying things like, "Get your fat ass out of my face!" or "You're just like your mom, screwing every guy in town!" or "What, are you gonna go start crying cuz I'm gonna leave you the way your daddy did?" or "It's no wonder you got fired, you can't get a damn thing through your thick blonde head!" In other words, personal attacks and cheap shots - not unlike what many posters here do to one another. Do you see the difference? To me, it's very clear. And from the description the OP makes, I'm not sure she's not also yelling, swearing, and being stubborn. He's never actually said things like that. I wouldn't stick around with him if he was making those kinds of attacks. And some people have asked if i yell back at him? If he gets me mad, yeah I'll yell back. We both have hot tempers sometimes and we're both stubborn as hell. I very rarely swear at him, and I don't threaten to leave him. I did have to call him earlier when my car died. The idiot mechanics mistook a blown head gasket for blown radiator tubes.... which led to a rod being blown through the side of my engine when I tried to drive it after it was supposedly "fixed". I think he sounded kind of irritated that I called him for a ride home while he was at work (no other choice), but I was pretty much in tears so he helped me anyways. i just hate the silent treatment. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it.
Author evictorine Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 I'm not being nearly as lenient as you are with giving the OP leeway. Her lone specific example of a "retarded accusation" was as follows: "And when I say retarded accusations, I mean seriously. He accused me of smothering him and never letting him do anything alone when I decided to walk up to a buffet table at the same time as him. He said I'm always keeping an eye on him, to which i replied "Actually, I was just hungry..." Okay, so his "retarded accusation" was essentially that he believed she was clingy, wouldn't give him space to do things, and always "on him" about something. Now, her legitimate reason at that moment for being at the salad bar was likely because she was in fact hungry and wanted a salad, but her claim that this was a "retarded accusation" comes from another place - he feels she's smothering him. His statements to her that he feels smothered isn't "fighting dirty," and quite frankly, HER characterization of his comment as "retarded" is much more "dirty" than what he's telling her. It's retarded because I'm not smothering him. He was pissed off and he took one situation and blew it way out of proportion to try and make a point. The whole argument between me and him started when I asked how his day was, and he tweaked out. And i didnt tell him it was retarded to his face.... venting on here to other people about how I really feel isnt "fighting dirty" because it's not part of the argument with him.
Star Gazer Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 It's retarded because I'm not smothering him. He was pissed off and he took one situation and blew it way out of proportion to try and make a point. The whole argument between me and him started when I asked how his day was, and he tweaked out. I'm not arguing with you about the rationality of your argument (how he feels, how you feel, etc.). I'm simply pointing out that your BF is NOT "fighting dirty." From what you've described, he hasn't resorted to personal attacks, low blows, etc., he's simply telling you how he feels. Even if he's being irrational and overreacting, he's not "fighting dirty." In this particular instance, I think you should focus on WHAT he's saying to you, not HOW he's saying it.
Author evictorine Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 I'm not arguing with you about the rationality of your argument (how he feels, how you feel, etc.). I'm simply pointing out that your BF is NOT "fighting dirty." From what you've described, he hasn't resorted to personal attacks, low blows, etc., he's simply telling you how he feels. Even if he's being irrational and overreacting, he's not "fighting dirty." In this particular instance, I think you should focus on WHAT he's saying to you, not HOW he's saying it. well he threatened to break up with me. I'm trying not to focus on the "we're done, it's over", especially considering he doesnt actually mean it. I consider threatening with a break up fighting dirty more than anything. Especially when you have no intention of breaking up with that person.
Star Gazer Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 well he threatened to break up with me. I'm trying not to focus on the "we're done, it's over", especially considering he doesnt actually mean it. I consider threatening with a break up fighting dirty more than anything. And I disagree with you. This is a forum where a disagreement with your opinion is allowed. In my mind, a threat to breakup is childish (if one doesn't seriously intend to follow through with it), but it is not "fighting dirty." To me, there is a brightline here...and he has not crossed it. In addition, I think he hasn't just threatened to breakup, but he has actually TRIED to breakup with you several times, but you won't leave him be - you continue to smother him.
Author evictorine Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 In addition, I think he hasn't just threatened to breakup, but he has actually TRIED to breakup with you several times, but you won't leave him be - you continue to smother him. Wow, thats actually not true, considering a few days later he always comes back and wants to talk things out. I really don't see how you get from point A to point B there. I'm NOT smothering him. Period. Asking "How was your day", and ending up at the same table at a buffet is NOT smothering.
Art_Critic Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 well he threatened to break up with me. I'm trying not to focus on the "we're done, it's over", especially considering he doesnt actually mean it. I consider threatening with a break up fighting dirty more than anything. Especially when you have no intention of breaking up with that person. Exit fights are nothing more than manipulation and a way to cut to the chase and try to win the argument.. It is a power play and all about control It is a demeaning way for one to win the fight over the other.. and is considered dirty fighting.. I know SG doesn't think it is dirty fighting...We differ in our opinions.. not the end of the world.. One thing for sure is that exit fights aren't a way of fighting fairly..
Mary3 Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 I think * laughing at someone * who is pissing you off or just laughing at someone who feels insecure in general will be met with " Why are you laughing at me " ? Usually followed with a frown because likely that person has been laughed at in the past ...and they take the laugh seriously to mean that you are mocking them . ( This is meant for those who laugh off someone in a heated arguement ) I favor the silent treatment.... ' Laughing is meant for something truly funny to me
Author evictorine Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 Talked to him a little earlier... he's starting to warm up and break the silent treatment. So for those who said he was desperately trying to leave me and I wouldn't let him. There you go. It wasn't a desperate attempt at anything other than a temper tantrum. And i didn't even need to laugh at him.
Carbine Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Hmmm...and I thought I was the only one subjected to this type of idiotic behaviour! My ex would behave in exactly the same way, right down to the period of 'alone time', although he'd come right out and call it a 'one week ban'! . Even though we're just friends now, he still does this from time to time. It's really frustrating to have to deal with this, especially if you have a short fuse like me, and/or you have a valid point to make and absolutely HATE not being allowed to have your say. I learned from experience that the best way to deal with his behaviour was to take it with a grain of salt and not get upset. If I got upset or angry, this would just add fuel to the fire and give him an even better reason to take a trivial problem and turn it into a serious, nasty fight. In the end I'd just roll my eyes and tell him in a patronising way that adults are able to talk their problems out in a rational way without resorting to threats or 'bans'. Usually he'd calm down after a bit and realise he was being unfair and childish.
Star Gazer Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 he's starting to warm up and break the silent treatment. So for those who said he was desperately trying to leave me and I wouldn't let him. There you go. Uh-huh. SMOTHERING. If someone wants to leave, you should let them.
Miss_Bee Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Hmmm...and I thought I was the only one subjected to this type of idiotic behaviour! I learned from experience that the best way to deal with his behaviour was to take it with a grain of salt and not get upset. This seems impossible to me, especially if you can't get a word in the edgewise, and when you do say something it goes compeletely ignored. When your thoughts and feelings don't matter, 80% of the time.... it's hard to take anything with a grain of salt. *sighs*
Author evictorine Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 Uh-huh. SMOTHERING. If someone wants to leave, you should let them. wtf are you talking about? You said he was trying to leave and i wouldn't let him. I was proving a point that he made an empty threat, and he was just doing it to get at me. So you can stop with this "if someone wants to leave, you should let them" business. Next time don't quote just one line of a post, and then take it out of context.
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