evictorine Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Hey all How do you deal with a S.O who fights dirty in an argument? My boyfriend of 2 years will do this depending on how angry he is. He swears, yells, makes retarded accusations, threatens "we're done, it's over", and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS has to get the last word in. And when I say retarded accusations, I mean seriously. He accused me of smothering him and never letting him do anything alone when I decided to walk up to a buffet table at the same time as him. He said I'm always keeping an eye on him, to which i replied "Actually, I was just hungry..." stupid, stupid stuff. If he threatens to walk away (which is always an empty threat), he usually follows up the argument with what he likes to call a period of "alone time". Now this period on average lasts about a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. It's a period of time where I'm not allowed to talk to him in any way, shape, or form. He never knows how long it will be for, and inevitably I get left hanging for however long it takes. This is very frustrating, usually because the argument escalates when he tries to get in the last word (it's my pet peeve). The escalation could have been prevented if it weren't for that sarcastic comment at the end. It makes me pull my hair out and he knows it. I don't like letting fights drag out over days and days. I like settling it right away and moving on. Any ideas of how to deal with this? It doesn't happen all the time, it just seems to be when he's overly stressed or in an incredibly bad mood.... which he has been lately due to some personal stuff... and I've been trying to give him a little bit more attention because he feels crappy.... although that was amplified to the nth power. I can completely understand his stress and worries, I just am kind of pissed that it blew up on me. and I understand that people sometimes need time alone to sort things out... but I talk to him all the time, and the hair pulling part is trying to resist the temptation to talk to him.... We've started one of those "alone time" periods as of earlier today... so the countdown is on i guess
Author evictorine Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 the sad part is i watched the man show in the golden years. Adam Corolla + Jimmy Kimmel and yes, I know what a manpon is lol and i think his manpon is in sideways. sometimes i swear he has pms!
Sheba Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Sorry to say, but this is not "fighting dirty", this is "abusive jerk". Get rid of him!
Author evictorine Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 the only real man show QFT.... even if corolla does look like bert from sesame street!
directx Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 What I am about to suggest sounds simple, but it actually is quite effective. Simply laugh at everything he says and add nothing to the conversation. Or, if you dont have the energy, turn on the tv and go numb, tuning him out. Simply ask him to 'go on, I'm listening' but dont. Let baby haby have his trantrum. you can't be bothered.
Author evictorine Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 sounds like a plan he knows what gets under my skin but.... im just gonna have to go numb for however long it takes.... and not be bothered
Krytellan Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 What I am about to suggest sounds simple, but it actually is quite effective. Simply laugh at everything he says and add nothing to the conversation. That's creepy, thats exactly what I was going to recommend too. Evic, my wife used to fight dirty too, but, really dirty. She would attack my anatomy and other very personal things about me. I used to get mad and "fall in the soup" with her, but after a while I just started laughing at her. It would escalate her at first, to the point of violence, but after I weathered that storm, it got her to the point where she would get frustrated and storm off.
Author evictorine Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 That's creepy, thats exactly what I was going to recommend too. Evic, my wife used to fight dirty too, but, really dirty. She would attack my anatomy and other very personal things about me. I used to get mad and "fall in the soup" with her, but after a while I just started laughing at her. It would escalate her at first, to the point of violence, but after I weathered that storm, it got her to the point where she would get frustrated and storm off. Are you guys ok though? I don't want to escalate him to where he would get violent. I'm not afraid of him, and he was raised to never hit a woman. I would just prefer not to test it. I would hate to laugh in his face, because there is a very small bit of basis for what he does, but he just blows it way out of proportion to the nth power. I don't want to make it worse by laughing at him. He's said before I'm his main source of support when he has problems. I don't want to make matters worse by belittling his feelings, as left field and stupid as they may be. I used to prefer to take that route, but it always came back to bite me in the ass. I'm probably being too nice about the whole thing. But talking about it is helping a lot.
lindya Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 I don't really have any advice. I only know that if someone was accusing me of crowding or smothering them in any way, I'd be out of there like lightning. Especially if in between those accusations he was using me as his main source of support for various problems. Call me callous, but I'd be inclined to see these "smothering" accusations as the ideal opportunity to give permanent space to what sounds like a pretty depressing, angry and draining character to spend very much time around.
Author evictorine Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 I don't really have any advice. I only know that if someone was accusing me of crowding or smothering them in any way, I'd be out of there like lightning. Especially if in between those accusations he was using me as his main source of support for various problems. Call me callous, but I'd be inclined to see these "smothering" accusations as the ideal opportunity to give permanent space to what sounds like a pretty depressing, angry and draining character to spend very much time around. he's not like that all the time, but when he gets in a mood, watch out. I can blow things out of proportion sometimes too though, which is why I put up with it when he does. No use in being a hypocrite. And he didnt toss the fact that im his main source of support during this particular conversation. He has said it in the past. He's usually a really nice guy, very SANE guy. But oh man, when he gets on a tangeant..... woo I get the impression he had a bad day though, and this was just the snapping point for him. He had to take time off work to handle some issues with finances (he's helping his father buy an auto shop). Usually when he has to do that, the day just goes downhill from the morning on. Also, he's worried that his grandmother is going to lose her house, because his uncle is an idiot and he's supposed to be supporting her financially. My boyfriend's grandfather ran an auto shop and his uncle took over when he started getting too sick to work (ended up in the hospital and died two summers ago). The money from the shop was supposed to help support my boyfriend's grandmother. But his uncle never bothered paying anything. He's upset because his grandfather's personal items are still in the house, and if no one takes them out before the eviction, the bank will throw them away. And no one seems to want to take care of that. i'm not making excuses for him, I'm just trying to put things in perspective. He's said he's been stressed to the max lately, and rightfully so I suppose. The idea that I'm smothering him comes from the fact that I've been giving him more attention to try and help, when in fact he needs time to himself to de-stress. But I can't stand not doing anything if he's hurting. He just so happened to choose the buffet situation to pin it on. but that getting the last word in BS really gets under my skin. Oh man does it ever
Steveto Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Why do some kids continually do things their parents hate? because they want to get a reaction out of them. He is doing the same thing. Funny thing is, I have a friend almost like him and he is in a 6 year relationship, but he only gets like that when he is drunk. His GF is exactly like you...totally frustrated and they got into a fight 2 days before he proposed..he did it in front of a wack of people with a video camera..she told me she didn't know what to do..all these people..we just had a fight..and her BF told her that the fight was just a joke and that he just wanted to get a reaction out of her.. anyway..she said yes..but still confused...she says her patience is wearing thin..The thing is..there are literally HUNDREDS of stupid things this guy has done when he is drunk..super nice guy, but he will make a tiny thing into a huge mountain. He almost got us kicked out of a casino because he thought the blackjack was rigged.... your bf does this when he is sober..which to me is scary..lol the bad thing is..he knows exactly how to push your buttons and get right under your skin. like nails on a chalk board. What do you do if there is a bully in the schoolyard picking on you? You stand up to him and don't let him push you around, then when he realizes he can't or you are too much effort, then he leaves you alone. Show him that he can push your buttons ALL day..you aren't gonna satisfy him with the reaction he is looking for (ie pulling your hair)..go about your business and and nod a lot..then chnge the subject like..sh*t, I forgot to get milk from the store..or something along those lines..throw him completely off.. Steve
disgracian Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 How do you deal with a S.O who fights dirty in an argument? Find one who won't? Seriously, nobody needs that kind of vindictiveness. He swears, yells, makes retarded accusations, threatens "we're done, it's over", To which you respond, "Okay, I agree. Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out." He'll never see it coming. At first he might think you're joking. Then he'll realise you're not. Cheers, D.
Mary3 Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 You have a very selfish Narcisstic Jerk . He needs DAYS to not talk to you ?? I would give him Years and leave his sorry behind...
Author evictorine Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 Why do some kids continually do things their parents hate? because they want to get a reaction out of them. He is doing the same thing. Funny thing is, I have a friend almost like him and he is in a 6 year relationship, but he only gets like that when he is drunk. His GF is exactly like you...totally frustrated and they got into a fight 2 days before he proposed..he did it in front of a wack of people with a video camera..she told me she didn't know what to do..all these people..we just had a fight..and her BF told her that the fight was just a joke and that he just wanted to get a reaction out of her.. anyway..she said yes..but still confused...she says her patience is wearing thin..The thing is..there are literally HUNDREDS of stupid things this guy has done when he is drunk..super nice guy, but he will make a tiny thing into a huge mountain. He almost got us kicked out of a casino because he thought the blackjack was rigged.... your bf does this when he is sober..which to me is scary..lol the bad thing is..he knows exactly how to push your buttons and get right under your skin. like nails on a chalk board. What do you do if there is a bully in the schoolyard picking on you? You stand up to him and don't let him push you around, then when he realizes he can't or you are too much effort, then he leaves you alone. Show him that he can push your buttons ALL day..you aren't gonna satisfy him with the reaction he is looking for (ie pulling your hair)..go about your business and and nod a lot..then chnge the subject like..sh*t, I forgot to get milk from the store..or something along those lines..throw him completely off.. Steve That sounds pretty familiar. Only i dunno, it seems like your friend just makes up fights for the heck of it. My boyfriend has some legit basis for it, but he blows it out of proportion. He pushes my buttons because he wants to put the last nail in the pissed off coffin. He always has to have the last word. I do it sometimes too, when I'm in a really bitchy mood and he said something to piss me off. Could be anything.... usually when im pms'ing I HATE being corrected. When he's pms'ing he apparently doesnt like to be asked "so how was your day?" I got him to cut back on the swearing using your method a couple weeks ago. I usually won't swear at him when I'm angry. very rarely will it happen. I told him I would start swearing at him when he pisses me off, and if he doesn't want that to happen, I suggest he find another way to express himself. I think he only swore once earlier today, near the end of the argument. But like i said before, I cant put a stop to the bad habits that I share as well.... like blowing stupid things up. I'm just trying to find things to occupy my time that don't involve being on the computer. It's too tempting to want to IM him. I want to make myself look as busy and productive as possible lol. That way it looks like I'm doing ok without him. oh and your friend is right.... blackjack is rigged. In fact everything in a casino is rigged. You and the dealer both get blackjack, house always wins.
jcster Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 The only way you are going to break your boyfriend of this disfunctional habit is to NOT fight with him. If he tries to pick a fight, take a huge deep breath and say something along the lines of: "I can't hear you when you are talking to me like this, when you calm down I'll be happy to work this out with you." It sounds stupid - but it works. It sounds like your boyfriend has no healthy way of expressing his frustration, so he starts a fight with you and then punishes you for fighting with the silent treatment. If you refuse to fight - and just don't engage him until he can speak civilly to you, it might allow him to find another way to calm himself down. It's really important that you don't get angry. None of this is really about you anyway - you seem to know that. Pretend he's a 2 year old and show him the correct way to vent his frustration.
Star Gazer Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 What I am about to suggest sounds simple, but it actually is quite effective. Simply laugh at everything he says and add nothing to the conversation. At first that was funny (actually, really f*cking funny!! !!), but it's not the way you should communicate within a relationship if you want to REMAIN in the relationship. Quite honestly, I see nothing in the OP that stinks of "fighting dirty." They simply don't know how to communicate. In my mind, "fighting dirty" is making personal attacks, low blows, bringing up hurtful information that's totally irrelevant to the subject at hand.
Art_Critic Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 What I am about to suggest sounds simple, but it actually is quite effective. Simply laugh at everything he says and add nothing to the conversation. I would be very careful about laughing at someone who is in an angered state.. I once laughed at my then wife during an argument over something she said that made me laugh at her.. I was driving at over 35 miles per hour when she punched me closed fisted in the face.. You need to diffuse the argument not add fuel by laughing.. maybe laughing might work for someone who isn't angered beyond belief but I believe the OP's guy is angered to the brink of physical violence and could very well be pushed over by the laughing.. laughing at someone can be taken wrong..
Art_Critic Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 In my mind, "fighting dirty" is making personal attacks, low blows, bringing up hurtful information that's totally irrelevant to the subject at hand. My boyfriend of 2 years will do this depending on how angry he is. He swears, yells, makes retarded accusations, threatens "we're done, it's over", and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS has to get the last word in. I would define his fighting style as dirty fighting.. It has met almost all of your criteria.. The worst part about this style of fighting is that it just gets worse.. not better.. they don't start getting sweeter as time goes on.. the more fights that happen the more weapons start to get used.. That is why it is important to diffuse this style of fighting
Miss_Bee Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 I would define his fighting style as dirty fighting.. It has met almost all of your criteria.. The worst part about this style of fighting is that it just gets worse.. not better.. they don't start getting sweeter as time goes on.. the more fights that happen the more weapons start to get used.. That is why it is important to diffuse this style of fighting How might i ask, do you do that Art? This is something that i'd like to know also. I've been in this situation, and it's almost impossible. Especially when one has a fiery temper themselves.
Art_Critic Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 How might i ask, do you do that Art? This is something that i'd like to know also. I've been in this situation, and it's almost impossible. Especially when one has a fiery temper themselves. Lowering your voice to a normal or slightly lower than normal voice is the very first step. The other thing to do is not do anything.. Do not REACT to anything they say..and if you do use a 5-10 second rule.. think about every dagger you are about to throw for about 3-7 breathes... Simply state in a calm voice that until they calm down and can talk about this in a calm manner that you will not partake in this discussion.. Just say you will visit it later and take a break.. Then make good on your word and walk the heck out of the room. and if they follow you like some will do then you walk the heck out of the house and get in your car and go for a drive.. When you engage someone into the heated part of the argument you are saying that the volume and heated action is okay for you.. even if you say it isn't you are still engaging them and showing them it is okay..
Miss_Bee Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Lowering your voice to a normal or slightly lower than normal voice is the very first step. The other thing to do is not do anything.. Do not REACT to anything they say..and if you do use a 5-10 second rule.. think about every dagger you are about to throw for about 3-7 breathes... Simply state in a calm voice that until they calm down and can talk about this in a calm manner that you will not partake in this discussion.. Just say you will visit it later and take a break.. Then make good on your word and walk the heck out of the room. and if they follow you like some will do then you walk the heck out of the house and get in your car and go for a drive.. When you engage someone into the heated part of the argument you are saying that the volume and heated action is okay for you.. even if you say it isn't you are still engaging them and showing them it is okay.. Excellent post. Very helpful to me as well as of course the OP. Thanks Art.
Star Gazer Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 I would define his fighting style as dirty fighting.. It has met almost all of your criteria.. I still completely disagree. Yelling, swearing in general, saying "it's over" and being stubborn by getting the last word in is NOT "fighting dirty," but it IS an ineffective manner to have a disagreement. Fighting dirty would involve saying things like, "Get your fat ass out of my face!" or "You're just like your mom, screwing every guy in town!" or "What, are you gonna go start crying cuz I'm gonna leave you the way your daddy did?" or "It's no wonder you got fired, you can't get a damn thing through your thick blonde head!" In other words, personal attacks and cheap shots - not unlike what many posters here do to one another. Do you see the difference? To me, it's very clear. And from the description the OP makes, I'm not sure she's not also yelling, swearing, and being stubborn.
Art_Critic Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 You're just like your mom, screwing every guy in town!" or "What, are you gonna go start crying cuz I'm gonna leave you the way your daddy did?" or "It's no wonder you got fired, you can't get a damn thing through your thick blonde head! Aren't those "retarded accusations" ? I'm giving the OP some leeway with her descriptions..also readin some between the lines.. Something tells me that she is being nice in the way she describes his anger.. I could very well see makes retarded accusations as... You are sleeping with your coworker you slut. or "It's no wonder you got fired, you can't get a damn thing through your thick blonde head".. you must be sleeping with your boss to have gotten that raise
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