How much crap you can take from me?

[lonelybird]

This is about healthy relationship

 

In a couple relationship how familar is this mentality "how much crap you can take from me", yet not all people who involve in realized this.

 

People in an abusive relationship

People in a unhealthy controling relationship

People invole in adultery, being OW/OM

 

ARE eating the other's crap! HOW?!

 

When, for example, a man pull out his unconsidering behaviour to you (like cheating), knowing that behaviour will hurt you, and still do it. unconsidering behaviour also include many other cross-boundaries acts. He is testing your *ability* of taking his crap. to test how much can you take them from him.

 

Mentality of this kind of behaviour, long back to his childhood. He has a mother who spoil him with no end. His mom treated him like a little god, so he has a infinite ego. If you want to fulfill that infinite ego, you are banging your head onto the wall, and get hurt. you are enslaving yourself under his selfish ego, and you are treating him like a little god, and he will loose his sex appetite for you, cause you are so much like his mother.

And here important thing is NOT mistake unconditional love with this kind of spoiling behaviour.

 

I don't provoke break-up though. My point is that we are all not perfect, and in a process to grow. Some people grow faster, some people grow slower, spiritually speaking. If you treat your bf like a god or mothering him, and don't set healthy boundaries, you are in a big trouble. by taking his crap you don't give him unconditional love, but push him to the ego journey a little bit further.

 

So what should we do? we hold onto our value, put God first, no other gods before true living God. We can love others, but not their bad behaviours.

 

If you take his crap, mistakingly think you are giving him uncontional love, you are terribly wrong. Feed his ego, he will become more selfish. But by standing your ground firmly, you can help to pull him out of his selfish shell, and begin to pay attention to others, not just himself.

 

Same apply to a spoiled woman

 

Do you want a man/woman who can return love to you? want a man/woman is mature, and love to give? then stop taking his/her craps.

[lonelybird]

Oh, this is also why being overly *nice guy* and *nice girl* are not good

[lovelorcet]

Maybe you should get out there and actually get some relationship experience instead of preaching to us about things in which you have no clue about.

[wayderz]

:/ I actually thought it was pretty well thought out, but not everyone is the same.

 

 

Infants are born with nature, which will dictate how they react from the nurture therefor; you cannot determine a person's upbringing just by examining them, same goes for trying to raise an infant in one way and expecting them to be the way you want them to...understand?

[Steveto]

wow..

 

my definition of crap is completely different..8-) There was one person that I actually liked because she actually had no problem putting up with my crap..but in no way was I abusive or anything remotely related to that..I was I don't know..lazy...I lived like a bachelor..well..a messy bachelor..haha food in the fridge for god knows how long...I wash the colours with the whites and have pink and blue clothes that USED to be white...use platic forks and knives if I have too and eat out most of the time..got magazines on the toilet..never put the toilet paper on the actual rolly thing etc etc..

 

I think a nice guy just needs to meet a nice girl...

[lonelybird]

Maybe you should get out there and actually get some relationship experience instead of preaching to us about things in which you have no clue about.

Guys out there around here are boring

[lonelybird]

:/ I actually thought it was pretty well thought out, but not everyone is the same.

 

 

Infants are born with nature, which will dictate how they react from the nurture therefor; you cannot determine a person's upbringing just by examining them, same goes for trying to raise an infant in one way and expecting them to be the way you want them to...understand?

Thank you

 

I mainly meant "set healthy boundaries, and don't take crap", by controlling self, to help others as well

[wayderz]

Any time.

 

I believe it's definatly a good subject to discusse(god my spelling sucks)

[lonelybird]

People born with a tendency of worship, it is in our nature. If they don't worship and love true living God, they end up worship other things (idols) in their life, which cause damages.

 

I saw this all over the places. For example

 

People who love money, worship money

 

A woman who treat her lover without boundaries, worship her lover, like her god. This is extremely hurtful, and cause imbalanced relationship. and produce love/hate relationship. Why? The man loves the care the attention, and *unconditional love*, but same time he hates her. at the bottom of his heart he knows he should NOT be put that kind of high pedestal and be worshiped. he knows that kind of *taking his crap* prevent his growing as a mature man. Like Picasso, his lovers all became slaves or gone mad, was treated like dogs, terrible. These women worshipped Picasso

 

A person who loves himself/herself, worship themselves

 

All these kinds of worshiping are self-destructive behaviours.

[wayderz]

:/ Point in case, I was never raised to believe in any God...I just say it a lot. I don't worship anything.

 

In relationships I don't worship the other person, but I admire and look up to them.

 

In life, I look at all things as the same....cats, dogs, humans, cows, pigs...I can't even kill a bug .

 

So I can honestly say that I have not been effected by this unless I'm ignorant to it lol.

[justagirliegirl]

Brilliant topic. Looking forward to the discussion on this.

[Trialbyfire]

Regardless of the three abusive/unhealthy relationship types referenced in the opening post and the religious references, much of what is being said is true. While everyone has to be willing to compromise to a reasonable extent, healthy boundaries are important. Without healthy boundaries, one partner can consume the other with their needs, particularly as the OP referenced, when you have a selfish individual involved.

[disgracian]

The solution, however, isn't "God" because there are plenty of abusive relationships with God in the middle, and plenty of healthy relationships without. Indeed, the patriarchal nature of the Bible is a breeding ground for domineering husbands who treat women like second class citizens.

 

Cheers,

D.

[lonelybird]

The solution, however, isn't "God" because there are plenty of abusive relationships with God in the middle, and plenty of healthy relationships without. Indeed, the patriarchal nature of the Bible is a breeding ground for domineering husbands who treat women like second class citizens.

 

Cheers,

D.

If you treat your body as second class? do you beat yourself from time to time?

 

Well, God teach men "love your wife as your own body"

[lonelybird]

This observation based on many cases and mainly on Piccaso's relationship with women.

 

Good question. Why do women love *bad guys*? Because women have mother tendency. Yes, every woman has mother nature in them. And these *bad guys* deep down is like a child, spiritual speaking, means they are selfish and self-centred, and seldom consider others.

 

Women are attracted to these spiritual infant *bad guys*, hope can nurture them and give them care and love, and hope to see he can grow up one day based on all the effort HER made. Good motive, but during the process, she begin to take crap, begin to tolerate the things she should not tolerate, and begin to loose herself.

 

Here is a dilemma. If you aren't like his mother (take all his crap), he will not love you. But if you are like his mother, he loose sex appetite for you, and he will cheat on you and let you know it. Why does he hate women so much? He knows he should NOT be worshipped and you did exactly the same.

 

Another kind of women he likes are the ones who can be enslaved easily. means who are without backbone. Nobody wants to be in this category, be treated like dogs?!

 

Solution:

*Pray for him

 

*Don't worship him like a little god. Don't tolerate bad behaviours. You can still love him, but no sh*t from him. If you feed his infinite ego, his ego grow, his spiritual side (where true love comes from) will NOT grow. Love is patient and kindness, but you cannot change him, only God can. A man who has Jesus living inside of him will be a wonderful man. so continually pray for him, prayer works:)

 

*Stand your value ground firmly. This will not only help yourself, but also help him to grow, yeah, contrary to what you thought before.

 

* grow spiritual yourself

 

You can NOT put him in your centre of universe. It is danger. You should only put true living God in your centre of universe. Human being is not perfect, but God is. You can enter a relationship with a man AND without loosing in it:). If you put any idols before true living God, you get big trouble

[GodofNietzsche]

Oh, the use of God in arguements. Sorry, but the collective consciousness is pretty much non-existence in our society. God doesn't work anymore.

 

I agree with you that worshipping money is a nihilistic concept, but so is worshipping God. You are merely projecting your innate capacities and potential into an imaginary entity, thus derpiving you of the opportunity to realize your full human potential. However, I am not talking about satisfying simple animalsitic instincts, such as the need for power,or domiance. In order to realize our full human potential, we must first recognize it in others, and comprehend that we cannot fulfill ourselves without others. This is the major flaw of capitalist modes of thought. However, the flaw with Christianity (as said above) is that we rob ourselves of the ability to fulfill ourselves as human beings and because of the spirit of Protestanism, we no longer find connection to God through others. Protestanism established a pesonal, one-on-one connection with God, which became the driving force behind capitalism and subsequent aleination from other human beings.

[burning 4 revenge]

Guys out there around here are boring

Do you prefer American guys to guys in your own country?

[lonelybird]

Do you prefer American guys to guys in your own country?

depends........I am looking for a Holy Ghost filled guy, who God predestined to be my husband, who serves and loves God

[lonelybird]

Why do people love dramas? Their bf/gf treat them like second citizen, hurt them like nothing really bother the bf/gf. I analyzed the *bad guy/women* already, now I analyze another side-victim side.

 

* people like drama because drama make them feel alive. A sign of need to develop more spiritual activity inner, and find a spiritual rock and happiness source beside your bf/gf. The pain from drama will NOT make you alive, but on the contrary the drama will drain you dry, damage your self-esteem.

 

* people like drama mistakenly think their bf/gf can provide that living vivid life-giving "love" to them. LOVE between people can be really sweet and good thing. But when you desperately hold on it, it become poison. The love between couple should be exchanged, SHOULD NOT be ALL your source of love. When you eagerly try to seek or get love from another person, you are in big trouble, it isn't healthy. We get unconditional love from God, and give love to others.

 

Only God can give that life-giving love to us. If we seperate ourselves from God, all unhealthy things happen. Jesus said "drink me you will never be thirsty". If you ask him to enter your heart, he will do so. HE will give you love, peace and rejoice deep in your heart.

[katiebour]

We get unconditional love from God, and give love to others. Only God can give that life-giving love to us. If we seperate ourselves from God, all unhealthy things happen. Jesus said "drink me you will never be thirsty". If you ask him to enter your heart, he will do so. HE will give you love, peace and rejoice deep in your heart

 

People born with a tendency of worship, it is in our nature. If they don't worship and love true living God, they end up worship other things (idols) in their life, which cause damages.

 

Solution:

*Pray for him

 

*Don't worship him like a little god. Don't tolerate bad behaviours. You can still love him, but no sh*t from him. If you feed his infinite ego, his ego grow, his spiritual side (where true love comes from) will NOT grow. Love is patient and kindness, but you cannot change him, only God can. A man who has Jesus living inside of him will be a wonderful man. so continually pray for him, prayer works

 

* grow spiritual yourself

 

You can NOT put him in your centre of universe. It is danger. You should only put true living God in your centre of universe. Human being is not perfect, but God is. You can enter a relationship with a man AND without loosing in it. If you put any idols before true living God, you get big trouble

 

:sick:

 

Ugh, I had an overdose of religion

 

 

I feel better now...

 

Seriously though, Lonelybird, religion is not the answer for everyone. Many of us here have been indoctrinated in religion from childhood, considered and weighed the value of religion in our life.

 

I for one, reject religion and Christianity. They hold no value for me and I am sick of having them pushed on me wherever I go.

 

I have read many threads where you have contributed, and your message is always the same. It's like a broken record that I've heard too many times. If you have nothing to give except religion, then consider it given. Enough already.

 

There are those here who are religious and have chosen to be. Good for them. There are those of us who are not religious and have chosen not to be. Good for us. Bottom line- let each of us come to our own understanding with God and religion, without forcing it down our throats.

 

As for the topics that you've mentioned:

 

I agree that being a doormat and "taking someone's crap" are not conducive to a healthy relationship. I believe that relationships are about compromise, and both partners should consider each other's needs and wants, and meet their own needs and wants as well.

 

As for codependency and self-centeredness, it seems that these two types attract each other. In Al-Anon they like to say, "The alcoholic's favorite topic is himself, and the Al-Anon's favorite topic is the alcoholic as well." Addictive personalities are often so focused on the pleasing of self that they cannot look outside themselves to consider the harm that they cause their loved ones.

 

They are always thinking "What can this person/substance/ideal do for me? How will this make me happy?"

 

The co-dependent partner focuses on this kind of person as a way of avoiding reality and responsibility, their thought process is along the lines of "If this person stops drinking/smoking/doing drugs/cheating, then my life will be perfect."

 

Everything they do is engineered to either change or enable the self-centered one. It is much easier for a co-dependent person to focus all their energies on the self-centered person, and blame that other person for the failures and unhappiness that results, than to take control of their own life and to focus their energies and concern on their own behavior. Excluding one's own needs can lead to feelings of helplessness, resentment, and martyrdom, when in reality, we are all in control of our own behavior and our own lives.

 

Healthy behavior in this case is when the self-centered person forces themself to consider how their actions will affect not only themselves, but others, and to use that information to make decisions. For the co-dependent partner, they must be proactive in their own future, breaking away from support of the unhealthy partner and changing that to support and improvement of self.

 

To sum up, to love someone else, you must consider their needs as important as your own, without allowing those needs to consume you to the exclusion of your own needs.

 

As for why certain people love drama? I think it's because creating drama in their lives gives them a sense of importance. Creating drama gives them the attention that they crave and counteracts whatever complexes they may have about being worthy of attention or of being unimportant.

 

It's a behavior similar to a child throwing a tantrum to get attention, and also similar to the behavior of a hypochondriac who suffers from self-inflicted "illnesses" to get and be worthy of attention.

 

I think that therapy and a focus on the improvement of self are key here.

[lonelybird]

katiebour

 

It is not like "I force things down your throat", much like "you try to force your opinion down my throat", you enter my thread. If you don't like, you can leave it alone, why feel necessary to insult my post?

 

As for your other contribute, thanks

[lonelybird]

Psychology do explain many mental phenomenon. But I saw one single prayer changed people's unbroken bad habbit in one day, which psychologist can NOT explain. Psychologist also cannot explain where does conscience come from. If you did not see and believe miracles, don't say they don't exist.