Author hurtandbetrayed Posted August 22, 2007 Author Posted August 22, 2007 I did it. I cannot believe I sent it. Almost verbatim what I wrote earlier. This is a whole new batch of pain now. I know he won't respond. I cannot even breath this hurts so much. I miss him so much. I really hope this wasn't a mistake. What have I done?
Curious139 Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 You have done the right thing. I agree with Sao2 that short emails are best but we are all different. You said what you had to say in your own words and that is important. Yes it will have brought on a whole new hurt. I completely understand that. I received a chatty email unexpectedly from my ex last week which blew me away. I was thrilled she had thought of me but at the same time it just refreshed the pain. There was nothing in it to raise my hopes. No contact is for you to heal. It takes a lot of time and you need the support of other people. You'll get there and take comfort from knowing that we all understand.
annabelle75 Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 I did it. I cannot believe I sent it. Almost verbatim what I wrote earlier. This is a whole new batch of pain now. I know he won't respond. I cannot even breath this hurts so much. I miss him so much. I really hope this wasn't a mistake. What have I done? It's alright. Take a deep breath. You are going to be OK. If he reponds you will be Ok. If he doesn't repsond you will be OK. Your life does not end just because he is no longer in it. Go out and do something. Go to a bookstore and buy a smutty novel. Go to a movie by yourself. Do something ... anything ... to get your mind off of him and what has happened. Call and friend and go out for a drink. The panic and pain will subside and you will be OK. Believe it.
sao2 Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 Actually I think you will find relief in sending it. Yes, hey may not respond, he may respond. What matters is that you can rest easy knowing that you have done everything you could. Good luck
Author hurtandbetrayed Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 Thanks for everyone's words and support. That was great advice; to not look for a response from him and look at the email as closure, which is how I have operated. I am still saddened and disappointed that I never received a response of any kind, even if it would just be to say "I will respect your wishes". It makes me doubt the validity of his feelings; I find myself questioning if he ever really loved me, or if the last 5 years have been a dream that turned into a nightmare. I'm struggling with the realization that 3 of my closest friends for the past 3 years (my two former roommates and another girl) are not actually MY friends, but mutual friends. They have all let on to me individually that the rest are all still talking to my ex, but none of them have mentioned their own contact with him and are hiding it from me! These were girls I was friends with well before they met him, but since he practically lived with me I guess their allegiances shifted to both of us. I've thought of confronting these girls about their contact with him and then realized there was nothing they could say that I would believe or make me feel better, so I have just distanced myself from them quite a bit, have not been sharing any of my feelings about theEx with them, and have been hanging with them as strictly social companions, not close friends. IF they ever approached me and came clean about their contact with him of their own volition, that may be a good foundation to rebuild some of the trust that was lost, but I don't anticipate these low-lifes will take that step. It's okay, I am letting these negative influences go and widening my social circle with other friends, it was just another layer of hurt and betrayal that has been very difficult. It feels like I have lost quite a lot. This upcoming weekend will be incredibly painful I think; there is an event I really wanted to go to, and he got tickets for us a few months back (that are now sold out). When we broke up I lost my ticket, obviously. I know my friends will all be there, likely with him. They have alluded to wanting to meet up with me before/after, but I am not going to expose myself to running into him, as it would totally devastate me to see him. It has been very hard to adjust to the idea of never hearing from my love again. The friendly contact, the vague emails and forwards, the mixed messages DID give me a temporary sense of happiness and were at least some kind of connection to him, and that is all over now, due to my own actions/request. I still love this man dearly but overall I must admit am very relieved that I sent that letter. There are only 2 possible outcomes from the terms I've set: 1. I will never hear from him again because he is not interested in me romantically. This is a positive scenario because if he does not want to be with me, I do not want to be with him. Interacting as 'friends' is total BS! If he does not love me or want to be with me then I am better off finding ways to move past him NOW, not months or years down the line when we are still interacting under the pretense of 'friends' and I get to find out about the next girl he dates 2. (In my opinion much less likely) He has enough space from me that he realizes the value of what he so carelessly threw away and it causes him to 'wake up' and do the real work that is necessary to put our relationship back on track and build back the trust he shattered. Either way, the relationship is finally being defined on my terms. I finally am released from feeling like whether or not we reconcile is based on my reactions to his mixed messages; the ball is completely 100% in his court going forward. The first couple days after I sent the letter I had a profound sense of panic and remorse that plagued me day and night, wondering if he had been trying to reconnect with me as friends to test the water for a reconciliation. I now know that if, in fact, he does want me back, that a mere letter (where I even admit I love him still and leave the door open for him to return), even if that letter asks him not to contact me, should not stop a man who truly loves me from trying again with me if he wanted to be with me. If mere words on paper is enough to discourage a man who claimed to love me more than life itself for 5 years, then this is not the man I should be with. He would not let a letter stop him, he would show up at my house John Cusack style, boombox over his head, moving mountains to get back what he lost. Anything less is unacceptable and not worth the effort. This doesn't make missing him any easier. Going to bed at night alone, a pronounced void where he used to wrap his arms around me every night, is terrible. All of our inside jokes, our shared memories from 5 years of happiness, are now just relics of an extinct relationship that I am constantly aware of. When things happen only he could appreciate, it is very hard knowing he is not here for me. With how miserable he had been recently, it is hard knowing I'm not there for him. I just want him to come back, I just want to be together again. I wish there was a way that could happen...
Toolate Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I feel everything that you are feeling right now. My GF and me have been split up for 1 month now, the only communication for the past couple weeks has been a couple of text. I am holding out hope, but the way im crying and feeling i feel like its over, there is still a chance but im not going to let that get me through the day, she has been acting very shut out and is going through alot. I get those urges to text her and just to beg her to come home, to work it out. I want to marry her, have kids, buy a house. And all of this after 12 years was beginning to finally happen. I had built my credit, was in therapy for 3 years and was really kicking butt. Now i have to force myself to get out of bed everyday, doing chores that used to be no big deal now frightens me because everything i do reminds me of her.
ls707 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Im looking at this very differently, i dont know why, maybe cuz my mind puts things together differently. none of this is meant to rude or taken wrongly. im not saying everyone on here is wrong and im right, but here goes; my 2 cents; (understand im very tired right now and its late) I read this whole thread and my mind kept wondering " he was in the fault; he made the mistake, but he realized his mistake of the abrupt break up and he realized what he lost, he couldn't even go a week without you?..and came back cuz he loves you so much? But you shut him down?" "he didnt even cheat on you and admitted for him to do that is impossible and unbecoming of who he is" ..so what gives? I read the part where you said he was verbally abusive?? 5-10 times max over a 5 year period ??!?! You have obviously not met one of my Xs. She would get verbally abusive 5-10 times a month...lol. And seriously this leads to the next couple of questions that comes to mind: are u perfect and have no flaws? and Do you think couple don't have disagreements? I also read the part where you say he made you happy 360 days a year. Thats a feet in itself, its very rare to see couples who are so happy/ so many days a year after 4 years + of sticking together. Fast fowarding to that final email u sent him;the part where you mentioned the happily married to other people thing. This mightve been the hole that sunk any chances for that ship you were dreaming of showing up over the horizon. In his mind this logically translated as: you have a vested interest in seeing other people to find your soul mate or your true long term partner. As guys you have to understand we have our logic and our emotions hand in hand with one another, sometimes our logic takes over and we make a decision, and sometimes it our emotions. He came back the first time cuz his emotional side told him to do so. To me i just cant understand why you shut him down the first time he came back (emotionally speaking); and then further more went out of your way to cut of all contact w/ him. U sound like you love him so much, and from what you have said...he loves you as well..deeply. so to reiterate Guy was confused, after a bad trip with you and fight after his bday; wanted some space, obviously went about it the wrong way. realized he really loved you/ and he had lost something he really loved, admitted he screwed up and came back to win you back, not only that he also planned out certain things he would do to fix himself up. you were defensive, made him doubt himself again and came on here for advice, where ppl have no sympathies or love for this guy and don't know him anywhere close to what you know him like and love him like and further more have no idea of the good times you guys shared together(this figure keeps coming back to me 360 days a year you were happy). And listening to them, you just ended up shutting down a guy who was most likely truly in love with you. And now you expect him to come back...after everything that has been said and done. How did you put it John Cusack style comeback, well he did, except you were not really giving him a chance. You know what, if this guy had cheated on you, id have no sympathy for him, if he had gone cold turkey after the initial abrupt break and never given a damn, i can understand the NC thing. If he had abruptly broken up with you for months and screwed around and then come, id say throw him to the curb. But he came back within a few days from what i gather, faced his mistake like a man and wanted to work things out with you. That takes courage and clearly shows that he loves you; His emotional side was pushing him to do this. Like i read somewhere in here "If you love someone, you let them go, if they come back, it means that you guys were meant to be" ..well he did come back in a matter of days at that, and you confused him and sent him on his way. Sorry to say this, but to me it feels like you let LS sort of dictate what you should do with someone whom you had a deep rooted feelings (love) for and vice versa (cuz i know through your own words that he has deep rooted feelings for you as well). Thats why i said i had mixed feelings about all of this. Its good to get advice, but w/e to each their own. Anyways this is all too little; too late and you have already committed to your actions. Good luck.
sao2 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 When someone leaves your life and then tries to come back into it there is reason to be defensive. SHE TOLD HIM SHE WANTED TO BE WITH HIM!!!!!! What else should she do. When an ex leaves and then tries to come back half a$$ed attempts to come back are unacceptable. Yes time and patience are required but when someone comes back to you after shattering your heart it is normal to expect that they are sure about what they are doing. That is all she was doing.
Author hurtandbetrayed Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Hi there, Thanks for your thoughts. I just wanted to clarify a few points to see if you still have the same opinion: I haven't really elaborated on the verbal abuse, but although it was infrequent suffice to say it was BRUTAL and really damaging. However, I understood that all relationships have problems and noone is perfect and so I stayed with him and do not regret that decision. I recognize that we had a very happy, fulfilling relationship, which is why I stuck with him and never wanted to be broken up. I have not wanted this breakup from the start and tried to make it very clear to him. I am acutely aware of all my flaws, and I regret all my shortcomings or issues that contributed to this breakup. More than you could ever know. If he wanted to be together right now I would go back to him. But let me clarify one point: He convinced me to live with him, invited me on a trip for his birthday, allowed me to spend an enormous of money on him on said trip, and then 48 hours later, as I got on a shuttle to go to the airport by myself, told me he didn't want to live with me and dumped me. Without a word of warning, he left me hanging with no roommate, heartbroken, in a strange city by myself in an airport. I tried to check to make sure he had made the right decision after, and he told me, my friends and anyone who would listen he was sure he had done the right thing. I found out through mutual friends that he went on a date and started to pursue a girl he had met while we were still together. Then, A MONTH later (not a few days later), after a MONTH of me crying myself to sleep every night, unable to sleep or function and just being bereft with grief, he sent me an email that he wanted to meet. He came down with the speech I had been waiting a month to hear. He said some wonderful things. It was not just the advice of the people on LS, but of my family and friends (people who knew us in real life) that I decided to be a little guarded. Most of all, I realized I had to be true to myself. Yes, I could throw my arms open and take him back, no questions asked, and maybe if I had done that we be together right now. Believe me when I tell you this is something that haunts me every hour of the day. HOWEVER, had I done that, I would have had absolutely no respect for myself, and without respect for myself our relationship would not have worked and I could never be happy. If I had just taken him back without question, that would be like me giving him permission to drop me whenever the mood strikes him because I would be waiting when/if he changed his mind again. These are the things I said to him (paraphrased), and I guess you have your right to opine if they were out of line: "I am happy that you want to be with me, however I think it's important you understand why you broke up with me in the first place so it does not happen again. Are you sure you know why you are coming back to me? After all this time together we are probably overdue for a break to reasses our feelings and what we want, and I am glad we are having honest communication about that. I know that I deserve to be with someone who knows I am their first choice, that does not see me as a backup plan or 'settling'. I'm not sure if this return is a result of a new relationship not working out or just you feeling lonely, but if either of those is the case then that is not a good foundation for us to rebuild our relationship. I have always wanted to stay together and work things out, but I also want you to know that I am okay on my own. Relationships only work when two healthy, happy people come together because they enjoy spending time together. You cannot rely on a relationship for your happiness, it has to come from within and then our happy lives together is a bonus. I want you to recognize that I have never tried to influence your decision on whether to be with me or not at all, leaving and now coming back is your decision and you have to own it. We cannot go back to what we had immediately, but we can start to rebuild our relationship, a better relationship. I love you and want to be with you but want you to consider what I've said and let me know what you are willing to do to make this relationship work." I trusted if he really loved me he would understand where I was coming from and reassure me that he knew he wanted me. That is not what happened. Immediately after I said these things, he told me he made a mistake coming back. That he didn't feel the 'connection' or attraction and didn't know what was wrong with him. That he had been depressed for years and needed to get help to figure out why he couldn't be happy. That he hadn't really thought his decision to try to win me back through. He said he would be looking into getting therapy for himself (not for US, for himself); I highly doubt this has happened. I broke down and PLEADED with him to reconsider. I offered to stand by him while he got help and begged him to consider what made him come back in the first place. His response was that we were not getting back together. I could not believe what had happened; within 1/2 hour he had already changed his mind again. It was like being shot in the stomach. After that I have tried to stay in contact with him, being his friend, supporting him while he was miserable (most of the time), joking with him, but it was all tearing me apart inside. I could not continue to have him in my life, but not be together, It was destroying me. I felt like I had to send the letter. Every single second of the day, though, I wish it could be different. I have to respect your honesty in your opinion it may be my fault we are not back together, because for most of the day and night I blame myself. But there is unfortunately nothing I can do about it now.
Toolate Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 The first time he came back and you laid it all out, telling him what you thought a relationship was supposed to be. That may have scared him. Or he was just to selfish to to do the work you rightfully demanded. You deserve a partner that puts just as much as you do into a relationship.
Author hurtandbetrayed Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 When I put myself in his shoes; had I left our relationship and then realized I really, truly wanted to be with him and asked for a second chance, I would EXPECT him to be apprehensive, or skeptical, or a little unsure. I know it wasn't your intention, but I have been sick to my stomach all day with guilt and remorse after thinking about that day. Maybe I did screw up. Maybe I should have just taken him back, no questions asked. I would be terrified that he would leave me again, but perhaps being terrified with him is better than being miserable without him. There is nothing I can do now, is there? Every day apart is like torture. Every day that I feel better about myself is also a day I feel worse; because if I am managing without him easier day by day, he is most likely a little happier without me each day as well. I just wish he had told me firmly he knew he wanted to be with me. I would have taken him back right then. Even if he wasn't sure but was still willing to try I would go back. I feel so lost.
ls707 Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Hi there, Thanks for your thoughts. I just wanted to clarify a few points to see if you still have the same opinion: I haven't really elaborated on the verbal abuse, but although it was infrequent suffice to say it was BRUTAL and really damaging. However, I understood that all relationships have problems and noone is perfect and so I stayed with him and do not regret that decision. I recognize that we had a very happy, fulfilling relationship, which is why I stuck with him and never wanted to be broken up. I have not wanted this breakup from the start and tried to make it very clear to him. I am acutely aware of all my flaws, and I regret all my shortcomings or issues that contributed to this breakup. More than you could ever know. If he wanted to be together right now I would go back to him. But let me clarify one point: He convinced me to live with him, invited me on a trip for his birthday, allowed me to spend an enormous of money on him on said trip, and then 48 hours later, as I got on a shuttle to go to the airport by myself, told me he didn't want to live with me and dumped me. Without a word of warning, he left me hanging with no roommate, heartbroken, in a strange city by myself in an airport. I tried to check to make sure he had made the right decision after, and he told me, my friends and anyone who would listen he was sure he had done the right thing. I found out through mutual friends that he went on a date and started to pursue a girl he had met while we were still together. Then, A MONTH later (not a few days later), after a MONTH of me crying myself to sleep every night, unable to sleep or function and just being bereft with grief, he sent me an email that he wanted to meet. He came down with the speech I had been waiting a month to hear. He said some wonderful things. It was not just the advice of the people on LS, but of my family and friends (people who knew us in real life) that I decided to be a little guarded. Most of all, I realized I had to be true to myself. Yes, I could throw my arms open and take him back, no questions asked, and maybe if I had done that we be together right now. Believe me when I tell you this is something that haunts me every hour of the day. HOWEVER, had I done that, I would have had absolutely no respect for myself, and without respect for myself our relationship would not have worked and I could never be happy. If I had just taken him back without question, that would be like me giving him permission to drop me whenever the mood strikes him because I would be waiting when/if he changed his mind again. These are the things I said to him (paraphrased), and I guess you have your right to opine if they were out of line: "I am happy that you want to be with me, however I think it's important you understand why you broke up with me in the first place so it does not happen again. Are you sure you know why you are coming back to me? After all this time together we are probably overdue for a break to reasses our feelings and what we want, and I am glad we are having honest communication about that. I know that I deserve to be with someone who knows I am their first choice, that does not see me as a backup plan or 'settling'. I'm not sure if this return is a result of a new relationship not working out or just you feeling lonely, but if either of those is the case then that is not a good foundation for us to rebuild our relationship. I have always wanted to stay together and work things out, but I also want you to know that I am okay on my own. Relationships only work when two healthy, happy people come together because they enjoy spending time together. You cannot rely on a relationship for your happiness, it has to come from within and then our happy lives together is a bonus. I want you to recognize that I have never tried to influence your decision on whether to be with me or not at all, leaving and now coming back is your decision and you have to own it. We cannot go back to what we had immediately, but we can start to rebuild our relationship, a better relationship. I love you and want to be with you but want you to consider what I've said and let me know what you are willing to do to make this relationship work." I trusted if he really loved me he would understand where I was coming from and reassure me that he knew he wanted me. That is not what happened. Immediately after I said these things, he told me he made a mistake coming back. That he didn't feel the 'connection' or attraction and didn't know what was wrong with him. That he had been depressed for years and needed to get help to figure out why he couldn't be happy. That he hadn't really thought his decision to try to win me back through. He said he would be looking into getting therapy for himself (not for US, for himself); I highly doubt this has happened. I broke down and PLEADED with him to reconsider. I offered to stand by him while he got help and begged him to consider what made him come back in the first place. His response was that we were not getting back together. I could not believe what had happened; within 1/2 hour he had already changed his mind again. It was like being shot in the stomach. After that I have tried to stay in contact with him, being his friend, supporting him while he was miserable (most of the time), joking with him, but it was all tearing me apart inside. I could not continue to have him in my life, but not be together, It was destroying me. I felt like I had to send the letter. Every single second of the day, though, I wish it could be different. I have to respect your honesty in your opinion it may be my fault we are not back together, because for most of the day and night I blame myself. But there is unfortunately nothing I can do about it now. you know, i might have said things that came across to you as out of line, but then again thats what i get for posting so late at night after a long day. I have missed some details and I can see that in your reiteration of events. I stated clearly in my first few lines that none of what i said was meant to be rude or to be taken wrongly, I get the feeling you have. I apologize if you have. I know this is an emotionally very trying time for you; yes i know, trust me on this one i have been on this boat(couple of times), i made it through, I survived; but really how much more stronger? i cant really tell. I find in this day and age people are so ready to throw away their love, something what your xbf did. To know love in its entirety is the most divine of all feelings. So why are we so good at throwing it away? Taking breaks (reassessing love); hurting each other; finding ways to draw boundaries and lines on love? All of us seem to be caught up in this preconceived notion that every relationship has to take a break; and everything has to be broken up and come to an end or be reassessed. Whatever happened to go with the flow and take every day as it comes attitude? I wonder why theres a lot of pent up hostility in a lot of people these days, cuz they deprive themselves of love through mainstream justifications(for lack of better words). Also the reason why 66 percent of marriages are doomed to failure in the western world. Just to clarify; This is all just me speaking in general; its not geared towards you or what you have done. If anything I blame your ex right now for what has happened, one person is always the catalyst in a break up. In this case it was your ex. I don't suggest you blame yourself; he initiated the break up and put a strain on something that was going well or was it. And also don't for a moment assume this was any easier on him than it was for you (unless hes faking it all; and all the time was looking for a way out). Anyways theres nothing much i can tell you further, I wish things work out for you for the best and good luck. stay strong (i know easier said than done)
Author hurtandbetrayed Posted September 10, 2007 Author Posted September 10, 2007 Quick sidenote: thank you ls for your response. I hope I didn't seem to come off as offended, I appreciate your point of view and am greatful for your comments. NC has been employed by me and I am now at day 19 (the longest we've gone ever). It has been a terrible struggle for me and I have missed him immensely. I began to feel foolish from rejecting a friendship from someone I truly love. I began to doubt myself and was very low all of last week. Things picked up Friday in spite of me. I want to preface this post by stating that I hope this does not come off as arrogant in any way because I am not. Friday morning I was on the train to work and I got asked out by a handsome gentleman on the train. Friday night I went out to several bars and was hit on at each bar. I am not exaggerating when I say that the entire 3 months prior to this weekend I had not been hit on ONCE. The last few years of our relationship I was also not really paid much male attention. I don't think I'm anything special, especially not to look at, so I was absolutely confused, shocked and delighted by how well thing were going. Then Saturday a decision came. While living at my old apartment for 3 years, the bar next door became my unofficial spot. Whenever there were football games on we (my Ex and our crew) would all head over there and watch. I had planned on going to this bar for the game this Saturday; I figured that he would be eager to explore his life outside of our old life and hang with his individual friends, and I really did not think he would go. I found out that not only was he going to the bar, but that he would be there with some of the aforementioned 'crew' (that he met THROUGH ME that I no longer associate with). I was faced with the struggle of wanting so badly to see him versus protecting my heart. In the end, I realized that if he was there I could not be there. I cannot be in the same place with him and interact with him while we are not together. TheEX I know was always very affectionate and loving and the thought of going there and having him treat me as an acquaintance made me physically ill. Let alone the prospect of him attending with a new girl. I took a deep breath and decided not to go to the bar where I knew he would be. I went to a different bar Saturday night and had a blast! I met a really cute guy who paid me amazing attention and my streak of luck with the fellas continued. I woke up Sunday morning VERY excited about the new gentlemen I've met and the future in general. I was so very happy for the first time in months. Then I did a stupid thing. A mutual friend came over and I asked a question I shouldn't have. I asked if theEx took a girl to the game last week in my place. He did. He gave the ticket I had wanted for months prior to the breakup to someone else. Despite assurances from my friend that the girl he brought was not cute, 'big boned', and seemed like just a friend, I am completely devastated. I stopped myself short of asking things I was dying to know (her name, how they met, etc.) but I still cannot believe what I've heard. I don't know why I am surprised or sad, but there it is. We were supposed to go to this game together. We were supposed to be together forever. He knew I would hear about the new girl, he just doesn't care. He has every right to take a girl (romantic or otherwise) wherever he chooses, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I feel humiliated that he brought someone else in front of our mutual friends/acquaintances. I feel so foolish and feel that it was on display. He does not love me. Maybe he never did. He never even responded to the most heartfelt letter I've ever written. He. Just. Doesn't. Care. I am so sad and disappointed. I know I am wasting my time still thinking about this man. I feel completely unhinged. I guess the only good I can say came of this is that this information has gone a long way to destroying any hope I had that he was the man I thought he was. Our breakup still feels so surreal to me at times, that after 5 years I am no longer loved or wanted by this man. I wouldn't say I was in denial, but I still expected the worst and hoped for the best. I logically knew it was over but my heart could not accept defeat and I still hoped he would come to his senses. A new girl in my place goes a long way towards solidifying this nightmare as reality.
Curious139 Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Hi Hurtandbetrayed I want to compliment you on the clarity and maturity of your above post. You are intelligent and able to express yourself which I think will go a long way towards helping you heal. All of the emotions you have felt, I have felt. Hurt, rejected, abandoned, betrayed, humiliated.......... it is just awful and there is no easy way through. Your feelings are perfectly natural and healthy when you have been in love. They show that you are able to make an emotional committment which is an ability many people lack. Take heart from knowing that you are among friends. We have all been there and if you read a few threads you'll see that there are people who have been unconscionably hurt by someone they loved. It is hard to believe just how callous some of our lovers can be. No Contact must be your rule. No looking on the net for him. No asking friends questions. Keep away from anywhere you might see him if that is possible. Keep busy, exercise, be among friends/people. You will heal but for each of us that is a journey which can only take time. Take care.
horizonsend Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Wow, I can really relate to what you are going through. My ex and I were together 4 years, living together for 3 1/2 and had trouble for the last six months, but we were (I thought) making progress and trying to sort things out. We went out for breakfast one Sunday morning in July and had a great time, I asked her if she was feeling happier and we hugged and she smiled and agreed that yes, things were getting better and I felt great, thinking at last we were on the right track to being happy again. That night she went to a party with some friends she works with as a dancer. She met someone else. We talked about it and she expressed doubts about us, then she moved out three days later. In the space of 72 hours I went from thinking finally things were going to be great again to effectively being dumped for someone else. We saw each other again a week and half later and we talked about her coming home, to which I agreed, though I did say we needed to work on some things and make changes to move forward together. I told her to think about it for a couple of days so she was sure. Two days later she changed her mind and decided she wasn't coming back. A few days after that I helped her move all of her stuff out. It was one of the saddest and most painful days of my life. A week later I weakened and sent her a text saying I missed her. Her reply was very platonic, suddenly completely different. I called her a few days later regarding some stuff that needed to be finalised. I asked her if she was seeing someone else, because the tone of her sms was suddenly so different. She admitted she was and had been for a week, the same guy she met at the party. I was gutted. We had a very stressful and emotional conversation a few days later then didn't speak for two weeks. We saw each other another week later (2 weeks ago) and I gave her a heartfelt 6 page letter and some material on communication I felt had helped me and she seemed interested, we talked and hugged and got emotional again, kissed very briefly and she said we would talk again soon, after she returned from a family trip that weekend I was supposed to go on too. I haven't heard from her since. It's been the longest, loneliest two weeks of my life. I still think about her all the time. She was my best friend. I am here alone in the house, she has gone and every day I wake up and want to cry. I've had interest from other women but no one interests me like her. I am determined not to call, or text her, but it is so hard. I'm trying to move on as it's been seven weeks since she first left, but it is really difficult some days. So I know the pain you are going through and I sympathise. You sound like someone who really has a good grip on things and a thoughtful person as well. I hope you are feeling better and moving on, I truly know how hard it can be.
Author hurtandbetrayed Posted September 14, 2007 Author Posted September 14, 2007 I am really sorry for the lengthy and crazy post. I cannot believe what just transpired. I am panicking so I had to sit down and write this out and try to get a grip on myself. Background: MyFriend (who I lived with for years) and my Ex became friends through me and seeing each other all the time. I got jealous on several occasions because they would spend time together, they would party and sometimes I felt excluded. I never really thought anything romantic was going on (although I feared it) I was just jealous of their friendship. MyFriend showed up at my place tonight. As soon as we sat down she told me she had information for me: she proceeded to tell me that a few weeks ago TheEx came in to the her place of business to do business, and after they hung out. She said that he stopped by her apartment (to give her a bag) and that then they went to a bar to watch the game and drink some beers. She said they didn't discuss me and didn't really even talk very much because they were watching a game. She said she had felt really bad because she felt awkward telling me. She said that she wanted me to know she loved me and her allegiance was to me and that she considered me her best friend. She said she felt awful not telling me but didn't because she didn't want to hurt me but that she was perfectly willing to not hang out with him or do business at all. She kept repeating that she just felt terrible not coming forward with this information and that she felt guilty for hanging out with my ex. I told her that I appreciated her honesty and that was the most important thing. I told her I had no intention of trying to tell her who she could be friends with, but in the future I would appreciate it if she could let me know if they are hanging out. I told her I would have been horrified if I found out through other people that they had hung out and that was a much bigger deal than them being friends. I promised her that I would not probe her for information or ask questions but just out of respect if she does continue to be friends with TheEx and hang out with and spend time with him I'd like her to be upfront with me about it. She agreed. This was all information I had pretty much already expected: when I got off my ex’s phone plan I had to print out the bills in order to have records of the phone calls I made and did see that they were still talking, although she had never said anything. I decided that if she never decided to tell me of her own volition that I would never trust her explanation so I had just resigned myself to being wary of her and accepting the situation. I felt much better when she came over and told me about it. After she left I texted my current roommate who I'll call Bob (who is friends with both of us) and told him that MyFriend came clean and he texted back "I know". When I talked to him he said that last Saturday, after I left the bar, MyFriend blurted out to him "So I guess you know about me and TheEx" Bob said that she wasn't specific but was really upset. Everyone was really drunk. Now to the third hand information: Bob said that when he asked her current roomate (let's call him Alex) about it, Alex started crying saying he was worried about MyFriend and my friendship. He said that MyFriend said either TheEx is the guy she has always been looking for or TheEx is the type of guy she has always been looking for (MyFriend often said to me while TheEx and I were dating something similar to this: that she envied our relationship and that she had always wanted a boyfriend like TheEx). Bob told me he didn't think MyFriend came entirely clean with me because it didn't make sense for her to be so guilty/upset about merely still being friends with/hanging out with TheEx. Based on this and what her Alex told him he says he thinks that MyFriend and TheEx have or had a relationship as more than friends. Alex then told Bob to stay out of it and that he thought MyFriend should have the chance to tell me whatever was going on herself. Bob said that he and MyFriend had emailed back and forth several times since then about how she needed to come clean and she apologized profusely. Bob said she had to tell me whatever it was or he would. I called MyFriend right back and asked her if there was anything else she wanted to tell me. I told her everything basically Bob had told me and she said that she was drunk and not being clear with him. I flat out asked her if anything romantic had ever transpired between her and TheEx or if she had those feelings for him and she said no. She was really upset that I asked that and started crying (maybe because I was crying too). She restated over and over again that she had told me everything that she had been keeping back: that she felt awful and uncomfortable and wrong that she and my ex hung out and nothing more. She said that while she discussed this with Bob on Saturday she was really drunk but that she was of sound mind now and being completely on the level with me. She kept repeating that she loved and adored me and would never do anything to hurt me and that I had to know that nothing more than friends ever happened or would. She promised me that she told me everything that she had to come clean about and that nothing else had happened. She wants me to call her to hang out tonight. I have no words. I am so confused and scared and don't know what to believe. I feel so physically sick over this and cannot imagine how I am going to sleep soundly ever again.
Author hurtandbetrayed Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 This weekend I went home to see my family: while it was not the actual date of what would have been our anniversary, it was the weekend of the annual event where we first met. I got Chinese this weekend while ensconced by my whole family to cheer me up. My fortune read "Embrace the only thing you can ever truly have ownership of-emptiness" I wish I was kidding. The sun rises, I work all day, I skip work, I meet new friends, I reconnect with old friends, I meet men, I spend time with singles, I have a night in with the girls, I party, I clean my house, the sun sets. Throughout all my activities, significant and mundane, a terribly painful weight attached to my heart hangs on me. Missing him and loving him aches like a low-grade fever. I ran into his sister on the street on my way out of town on Friday. I was so stunned I am not sure what I said, but I know that I did tell her I was doing really well and I was very nice. I wonder if that was right--because I'm not doing well. That was a lie. This has been the worst summer of my life. Should I have been honest with that? I've had a few close calls during this period of NC--for two weekends in a row I told mutual friends (girls who he met through me, who I thought were MY friends but have turned out to be mutual friends) where I planned on going for the weekend. Both weekends in a row, they oh-so-coincidentally showed up at these places and so did my ex. After having to ASK them if he was there and them admitting he was, I had painful choices to make. As my mind raced from the best possible (he was trying to run into me for possible reconcilation, without going against my request not to contact me unless he knew he wanted to be with me) to the worst possible (he wanted to rub a new girlfriend in my face) scenarios, it was very difficult for me to decide what to do. Ultimately, I realized that I could not bear the worst case scenario so I opted to avoid the places that I had planned to go--and pretty much refused to divulge my plans to those 'mutual' friends from my life. I have since written off those 'mutual' friends, to an extent, and haven't bothered to confront them on how in the world my ex was showing up at the places I told them I was planing to go. After those two weekends, I traveled the subsequent 2 weekends with other friends and am scheduled to be out of town the next two weekends as well. Sounds quite a bit like me running away, doesn't it? To answer the question posed when I was advised to go NC--I still honestly cannot say whether or not I am happier without him in my life. We haven't been in contact for precisely 5 weeks, 2 days and 21 hours. On one hand, I do not continue to second guess and overanalyze our friendly interactions that ultimately did not result in reconciliation. On the other hand, in place of that worridness and over-analyzing is the silence and emptiness that the fortune cookie told me to embrace. Shouldn't this be getting easier? The pain that subsumes me is definitely DIFFERENT, but it is still there. I am unable to be attracted in any real way to anyone else, despite multiple advances. I still find myself crying over this lost love and I still feel in mourning. Undoubtedly, so many things in my life are so much better than they were when we were together. I have reconnected with friends, forged new friendships, gotten in shape, gotten in therapy, researched grad school, gone to more parties, traveled when I wanted to where I wanted to, moved into a bigger, better place. It infuriates me that none of these things could have or did happen in the context of our relationship. I've taken such strides to improve myself and make myself a happier, more complete person, and I am unable to share that with someone who I truly feel deserves to see it. The man who stuck with me for so many years through so many tribulations chose not get to see the best that I have made of myself--and that feels so tragic. Days before he cut me out of his life he was talking about how lucky he was to have me, how happy I still made him after all the years, how he couldn't wait to move in with me, how jealous some of his friends were of our relationship and his happiness. To say this was out of nowhere seems like such a ridiculous understatement. What saddens me more than anything else, is the lack of warning. If only I had known that it would be the last time I slept beside him, made love to him, laughed with him, kissed him while it was happening I would have committed every second of it to memory; tatooed it in my brain. I wish I had been able to comprehend and appreciate all the little things I was losing moments before they were ripped away. Most terrible of all, no matter how many times I review the facts and go over and over how I've been (mis)treated, I cannot shake the faith that one day he is coming back. He did such a wonderful job of convincing me for so many years how much he loved me and how happy he was that I simply cannot believe that this is what we have come to. I cannot kill the hope that someday, he will come to his senses and we'll be together. It is still unfathomable to me that this is what we've become. Thursday would have been our 5 year anniversary. Please come back home baby. Thanks to anyone who has followed this or has read the entire thread. Any thoughts are appreciated.
sao2 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 You wouldn't be the first person to run away from a situation. I am looking to move again and I don't want to move back to the (Large) city that I used to live in because I don't want to run into the ex. It is completely silly but it is still a factor. I don't even want to go and visit my friends that live there. It doesn't always get easier right away. Sometimes it takes a really long time. I wish I could give you a timetable but this just doesn't work like that. It is good that you feel like a complete person again. This should tell you that you are truly better off without him in your life. Whether it was he, or yourself, you were held back from those things while you were together. That hope, that hope that he will come to his senses is a killer. I know what you are talking about. I still have that hope with my ex and it hurts to know in my mind that it is a false hope. You know you are improving when you no longer wish him to come back and are wishing that you didn't care. In time, when you are ready, someone new will come into your life. This person will sweep you off your feet. One day, sooner than you think, this pain will only be a memory. Good luck
Author hurtandbetrayed Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Today would have been our 5 year anniversary. What do you know, yesterday I got an email from my ex. From: TheEx To: Hurtandbetrayed Subject: Sorry to bother you Could you please send me the login information for the Cingular Wireless (AT&T) Account? Thank you. From: Hurtandbetrayed To: TheEx Never have been a bother, TheEx. The password was XXX, but I just tried that before I responded and it didn't work; you'll want to reset the password via your phone or the internet. The login is your phone number. I still have a few items of yours (a shirt, your allen wrench, the pictures on cd, etc) that I was going to send to you but I don't know your address. I still have your parents address but knew you said they might move so I wasn't sure if it was still valid? Let me know how I can get these items to you. From: TheEx To: Hurtandbetrayed Thanks, Hurtandbetrayed FYI, the reason I am now trying to access the account is for the purposes of canceling it. This will make my current number inactive (XXX) and my only phone will now be my blackberry number which is (XXX). My new address is: NewAddress Chicago , IL But if you could send it to my parents address, I would feel a lot more confident it would be received. Their address, just in case you don't have it, is: Parents address Chicago, IL I hope this email found you very well. From: Hurtandbetrayed To: TheEx "Has the message found me well?" Physically I am doing great. This has been a horribly painful summer for me. This week has been particularly hard. I miss you. From: TheEx To: Hurtandbetrayed I know. I have been watching the calendar myself. I didn't mean to come across as insensitive. From: Hurtandbetrayed To: TheEx Don't misunderstand: I wasn't implying you were being insensitive. Here are the things that kills me: #1 He already knows this password. I sent it to him in an email so he has a permanent record of it #2 Even if he somehow DIDN'T know the password, it is the most easy thing in the world to reset it himself, via phone or computer #3 Within the 2 hours it took me to respond, he DID reset his password because I checked before I emailed him back. So he obviously knew it was possible because HE DID IT #4 He told me that he needed it to cancel his account, BUT you can't cancel your account online. You have to do it via phone, and then you don't give them the password to your online account, you have to give them your last 4 digits of your social He didn't say he missed me too. That hurts. He doesn't want me and doesn't want me to get confused that he does. Not that it matters, but maybe he was just fishing for an ego boost, or maybe he really did feel nostalgic that our would-be 5 year annivesary was today (even though he doesn't want me), all I know is that he's back in the forefront of my mind. I don't know why he felt the need to give me all his information about his phone and address, but I am so tempted now to use that information to get in touch with him. Why has he been 'watching the calendar'? My heart just breaks...
sao2 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Sometimes we forget that the dumper is also hurting, (as far as dumpees are concerned who cares right?). He probably is feeling a bit nostalgic about what you shared and may even miss it and you greatly. He may have fantasies about you asking him to try again. Don't give him that. Sometimes in the dumpers minds, they have actually made you into the dumper . . . I know it sounds ridiculous but what my ex was most upset about last time we had contact was the fact that I hadn't contacted her since the breakup(screwy no????). The point is that most likely he is messed up in the head right now and doesn't know his *** from a hole in the ground. Whatever you might want to read into his actions(and I am sure any of us would), anything less from him than "I want to make this work" is not enough for you to put yourself on the line for him again. I honestly think that as dumpees we could actually get some part of the dumper back. In many ways we could probably get some of their time, maybe some intimacy, but truth be told, unless ALOT of time has passed or they come back to you of their own accord, you won't ever truly feel like you have him back. Good luck to you. I feel for you today.
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