Abruptly abandoned

[Mary3]

I don't have any advice to give; I can only chime in and say I really feel for you as I recently went through a very similar kind of break-up with my partner of 5 years. On December 1 he told me, over a toast at a restaurant, that I was a "beautiful person" and he wanted to be with me "forever," and on December 5 he broke up with me over the telephone, refused to let me join him for the holidays with his family on the opposite coast, and except for one totally lame meeting supposedly "for closure" on January 4, he stonewalled me ever since. On Feb 13 he sent me a god-awful e-mail that was a literary masterpiece of ties severance in as few words as possible, and since then there has been no contact. I still hurt terribly, though my life is moving on almost in spite of me. I feel--still--completely blindsided, despite months of analyzing, crying, questioning, musing...pretty much every neuron still is pointed to this awful event like paperclips to a magnet.

 

It's really hard, because when you love someone you can't vilify them for whatever decision they make; you try to give benefit of the doubt and see circumstances through their eyes. I'd love nothing more than to write off my partner as an ass, but he wasn't an ass--he was a wonderful man in my eyes with whom I'd still be if he hadn't ended our relationship. That said, I do think that more often than not a person's decision to end a relationship suddenly, with no warning or discussion beforehand, says more about them than it says about you. It's not some judgment of your worth or character and hard as it is it's important to try to hang on to that conceptualization (believe me, it will be verrrrrrry fleeting in the coming months if you cope with your situation in any akin to how I've been coping).

 

I'm sorry for what's happened to you and I hope you'll keep posting--I don't write much on here but I do read these threads from time to time, for the comfort of knowing there are people out there coping with the incredible pain I'm feeling right now. It really sucks to discover that someone you thought was as committed to being together as you were could just end things in what seems like a snap--and it's no consolation to hear, as you will hear from well-meaning folks, that probably he was gradually detaching himself and coming to this decision over a long period of time. Then you have to look back over not just the last month of your relationship, but YEARS, and think that during that time when your hand was to the plow his was groping into the abyss of future possibilities that didn't include you. I don't think people always work like this. Some might, but not all. I think people who are not prone to confronting issues in a relationship, but rather mull them over in their mind's 'cave,' reach not a point of rational decision but of overwhelming loss of a feeling of control, and so they have to end what they have realized they did not fully put themselves into because they were too passive, not not loving enough. If that makes sense. Again, not a blanket application to all people, just one possibility that I think applies in *my* situation that you might feel could apply to yours.

 

Wow ! Outstanding Post

[Broken_Record]

I think regardlesss of what you want out of this you need to break off the consistent contact. It seems like he is using you to break his fall. Eventually, he's going to be with someone else and it's going to hurt a lot worse if you have a front row seat.

 

Don't allow him to hold you down while he props himself up. Please try to move on.

[hurtandbetrayed]

Last night was very difficult. I know it was his final for his class, and I wanted very much to write/call him and wish him luck. I had wished him luck when I spoke with him Sunday, Monday, AND Tuesday, but I was very compelled to wish him luck right before the test. I wished him luck before his midterm 2 weeks ago and he responded by telling me thanks, that it helped, and then emailed me right after the test and when he got his scores. I couldn't help but keep looking, hoping that he had written me last night when he was done with his test to tell me how it went. No word came from him. This hurts so bad.

 

Unfortunately, he may be at my house this weekend. His best friend and my friend/roommate have been dating as long as we had, and she is moving out on Saturday. She is trying to recruit my ex to come help her move her big stuff (he is a big guy). I asked her to let me know if he was going to be by so I could make myself scarce. This will probably get back to him and I'm worried about the ramifications of that. I don't want him hearing something like "hurtandbetrayed was GOING to help me move, until she heard you might be there. Now she just wants to know when you will be there, so she can avoid you." It breaks my heart to think he may hear this and it may damage any future chance of reconciliation. Which is ridiculous...

 

Because at the end of the day, we are still broken up, and he broke us in the first place.

 

That doesn't make missing him any easier. When he's not in my bed at night, when he's not there asking how my day went, making dinner together and snuggling, it feels like a part of me is dead. When I reached out to him casually (as friends) he responded immediately and positively, and it felt so good to have him back in my life. Yet I know from the good folks here that it is unhealthy. I am in love with this man. We can not be friends. I should not be initiating contact. I should not be hoping for him to come to his senses (again, for real this time). I should be letting go.

 

Last night I had a dream that I showed up at his house and found him with several girls. While it hurt very badly, I remember a distinct feeling of relief to finally have an explanation for WHY. I woke up crying for the first time since he came back (and left again).

 

I want this man back so very much, I want my love and best friend back. I think about him all the time.

 

As hard as it is, I'm on day 2 : no contact and I have no plans to call/write him at all.

[Mary3]

I am going to ask you to go against the usual Love Shack No Contact Rule.

 

There are many reasons here as I really read through your threads.

 

You both had so much and he came down to try and get back with you. But something ( please don't be upset ) in your defense mode made him back up . Now he says " Now I know why I shouldn't have came back here and tried this " Do you think you had the upper hand that day and with that he shrunk away ?

 

I say : Give this man a chance !

 

Hope its not too late !!

 

Okay firstly , you have to both figure out what went wrong . He had been with you so long and wondered what was out there ?

 

You might have been the organizer and put pressure on him in the relationship ?

 

No matter who did what to whom : Please call this man and tell him this :"

You know when you came down here I was in a defense state and when you said you thought about getting back together I reacted in kind...Then you backed off and didn't want to do it because you were confused.

 

"Can we start over here fresh ? No RULES ? Just start over and enjoy our time. Lets try 2 months . See if we grow back closer or apart ? If we don't work out then maybe we can be friends wayyy down the road. .."

[Turquoise Waters]

No. This guy is NO good. Have we forgotten the part about the abusive verbal tirades? Even if it's every once in a while, when a guy does this, he is not a good guy and you don't want him in your life. When he has these verbal tirades, that means that this is how he really feels about you and he is venting those true feelings. You don't deserve a piece of crap like that.

Find someone better who doesn't go off on you every so often with abusive verbal tirades.

[hurtandbetrayed]

Hi there,

Thanks for your thoughts so far. I could REALLY use some advice right now.

 

My roommate was being shady about whether my ex was going to help her move this weekend or not. Finally, I sent him a quick friendly email asking if he was going to be at my apartment. He responded friendly as well, adding that he did plan to come by to help her move, that he hoped it did not present an issue for me, and that it would quick and unobtrusive, hoping it's not a problem for me and that he would be happy to help me move too.

 

What do I do in this situation? My ex, at my house! I really want to be there, heck I want to ask him if we could meet at some point for a drink, but should I just respond it's no problem and that I won't be around? Do I put myself on a limb and ask if he has a free hour at some point? Do I not respond? I really need help moving myself later in the month, do I take him up on the offer? HELP!!!!

[sao2]

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT ASK HIM TO GET A DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

As much as you want to be there, I don't think you should. If you can be there without trying to rekindle the relationship then fine, but if you can not then don't.

[Mary3]

No. This guy is NO good. Have we forgotten the part about the abusive verbal tirades? Even if it's every once in a while, when a guy does this, he is not a good guy and you don't want him in your life. When he has these verbal tirades, that means that this is how he really feels about you and he is venting those true feelings. You don't deserve a piece of crap like that.

Find someone better who doesn't go off on you every so often with abusive verbal tirades.

 

Okay I'm sorry I re~read the verbal abuse part and I agree with TW that if he did this then I would not want him back .....

[shattered&confused]

Hi i think trying to work out ifs and why are what slows people from getting better. I was like you, and as soon as i started accepting the situation, i started to recover fairly fast. I think now, it doenst matter at all what he did etc, its over and thats the thing to grasp. Evey one on here has a different reason, some similar, i have seen so many like mine, but at the end of the day, the relationship is over, and tossing and turning in bed over what might have been or what hes thinking etc, will not make a blind bit of differance. Good luck anyway, Rich x

 

TO: FUNKYBASSPLAYER

 

hi, i know you posted fairly long ago but i was hoping you could tell me what you did to not get distracted by thinking about the ifs and whys of the breakup.

 

my ex-common-law partner cheated on me and left me for her (3 weeks ago) and told me that the affair had been for the past 1.5 months. I don't want to analyse or know when and where etc. so i can move on cause i know the end result will always be the same - but i will be at work doing something and outta the blue i'll think of a moment that he had probably used to cheat on me with her. i wasn't thinking about him at the time, i wasn't looking into my mind to recall anything - it'll just pop into my head. other times i'll remember an argument i had with him around the time his affair started and i'll wonder if that was the reason he started cheating...

how did you keep yourself from going down the road when you knew you didn't want to?

[hurtandbetrayed]

Well, that felt awful.

 

I couldn't sleep at all last night. When he came by today, he spent probably an hour here moving my roommate, but barely spent 5 minutes with me. He came into my room to find a shirt and belt, barely talked to me. He seemed uncomfortable. When he left he did hug me and told me I looked great. I could tell it meant nothing. He's back to calling me 'babe' but we aren't together. This hurts so much.

 

He got a phone call right outside my window. I am almost positive I could hear the voice on the other end, I swear it was a girl. I could hear in his voice that he wasn't talking to family or friends. I could hear his interest.

 

I was badly shaken by this interaction. He left with my roomate, her bf, and he went to have a great day out, he looked happy.

 

I don't remember when I last felt so low. Him...in my house...not with me. This is all wrong.

[hurtandbetrayed]

Right after my last post we had an interaction to set up the final exchange of our belongings. It turned into quite a few emails back and forth which ended with him telling me I looked great. When thanked him for saying it, he responded "it was true and always had been".

 

After getting that email something in me snapped and I realized I had to cut off contact. However, there was still the exchange of things, which was over a week away. During that time, I didn't initiate any contact; he called me 4 times and when I got him on the phone he asked me some questions that anybody could have answered (googling would have answered these questions), and also he sent me an email forward during this time that was barely relevant to me. Then I went home, saw friends and tried to mentally prepare myself for the exchange.

 

On July 30, one day before I left my apartment of 3 years, TheEx came and got all of his things. I thought I was prepared for just about any emotional reaction on my end, but I was very surprised. I anticipated it would be very sad and difficult (and even said to him on the phone it may be difficult but we should try to get through it as quickly as possible), but my reaction when I saw him was the complete opposite. For some reason I was bubbly, confident, and flirtatious. He seemed nervous. I was glad to hear him say, with what seemed to be sincerity, that I looked great. He left a few things at my house for me to use during the move, and I offered to mail them back. He suggested he just come over to get them since we now live close (he just moved into the same city as me for the first time in 3 years, he had been living about a half hour away and staying with me most of the time). I didn't respond to his offer and plan to just mail the items back via us mail as planned I did not cry or give him a heartfelt letter I have been working on. I just let it go. He offered a hug to me when he left and I told him to take care of himself.

 

I decided to go into no contact mode after that, as so many good people here suggested. I have not seen, spoken or emailed to him since July 30.

Unfortunately, yesterday I wound up accidentally placing a call to him! His work number was still on my work number's speed dial and I hit the button while meaning to call my mom. It only rang once and noone answered but I am so ANGRY at myself! I had butterflies wondering if he would see the missed call or call me back! This was a REAL accidental call, not the kind you convince yourself is an accident, and that made me pretty angry; I immediately cleared him off the speed dial and now I officially do not have his number stored anywhere so that mistake should not repeat itself.

 

I am finally coming to terms with what he did to me. He used me, discarded me, dangled hope of reconciliation before my eyes, and then discarded me again. It hurts worse than anything I've ever known. I miss him all the time. I do things to busy myself, I spend time with friends and plan things, but I miss him so very much. I just wish we could be back together like we were, but we can't. I am now trying to deal with the fear that the only reason he had been reaching out to me and was so friendly to me was because he wanted his material possessions back. I want my lover and best friend back. I have spent time with other men and even dated but I have not been interested in anyone else in the slightest. There is a giant hole in my heart.

 

I wish I could stop looking at the phone or looking at my email hoping against common sense that he reaches out. But he does not, and we are strangers now. We are both in completely different surroundings and neither of us could picture how the other one now lives. I hate that we are apart and I hate that every girl I see could be the one who already has his heart or could have it soon. I am so terribly sad and miss my love.

[hurtandbetrayed]

After 13 days of no contact whatsoever, I tied up the very last loose end.

We were still on the same phone plan, scheduled to run out at the end of the year. I needed to sever myself from it, so I did. We were going to have to talk about it sooner or later, so I decided to make it sooner. Sent a quick, business like email to give the details on how the process works and the approvals the company needed from him and now it's done.

 

He seemed lonely in his response emails, a little sad that day. He asked a lot of personal questions, which I either ignored or responded to shortly. It killed me but that's the advice I got. I kept it short and kept my new life largely to myself.

 

I really didn't think I'd hear from him again. The next day (yesterday), he sent me an email forward with nothing in it but a joke; no personal writing. I very much wanted to respond, but so far I haven't.

 

Any shred of attention from him sends me into a complete state. I overanalyze something he probably spent 5 minutes on. I am terrified if I don't write back SOMETHING I am closing the door to future communication. Even though that's undoubtedly the thing I SHOULD do, I do not want to. I am still fiercely in love wth this man.

 

Should I respond? Or ignore? I know the advice will most likely be no contact, but I just need to hear it.

 

All I want to do is share everything in my life with him and have him share everything with me. I want to be honest and close. I want him and I to be like we were. I am so hurt and confused by his actions. I need rational advice in how to deal. I wish I didn't want him back.

[LetsLoveAgain]

I'm probably not the best one to give you advice since my breakup was in many ways more recent than yours (happened over the course of 2 months but not the final time until last Friday). I understand how you feel about not wanting to completely shut out any chance of being with him by ignoring his communication. I don't want to do NC either. What I'm doing is one way NC. I am not initiating any communication with him. If he e-mails or calls me, I will talk to him, but only then. In my opinion, this shows that you have no need to be in contact with him, but also that you aren't shutting him out completely. I don't know that it would be extremely hurtful in our situations to do this because unless I'm wrong about yours, we both harbor some hope of a reconciliation at some point in the future, even if not immediately. I think that being friends can help bring back some of the joy and good times and who knows what'll happen. It does sound like your guy needs to get some help, though, so I'd be really cautious.

[Toolate]

I know how you feel. Me and my GF of 12 years split up 3 weeks a ago and we still have ties. I have her phone, she has my car. cable-hers, car isurance- mine. Uhg. Worst time of my life by far. I wont give the ugly details.

 

Dont know if she seeing anyone she says she isnt, took me 2 weeks but ive just stopped caring about it, its not worth it. But i do know a couple things. She is running from her problems and im catching the worse end of it.(maybe your guy is the same) I also realize she doesnt/cant care. Ive felt lonely for a very long time and didnt know why. I thought it was me.

 

As far as contact thats up to you and if your heart can take it. I wont tell you to forget him just becuase he has yelled at you. That happens. If it doesnt feel right when the time comes dont do it. But you know the best thing to do is to let it all settle first. That way there is nothing left but true feelings. You may find that you dont like him much after all.

[cr8sea]

I want my lover and best friend back. I have spent time with other men and even dated but I have not been interested in anyone else in the slightest. There is a giant hole in my heart.

 

Wow you've been through hell and back. Im soo soo sorry to hear you're going thru all this, but remember this too shall pass. With or without him you're gonna be ok.

 

One thing i really do advice is to lay off dating for a while. Your heart is completely shattered at this point and it makes no sense to force yourself to see other men when you're feeling like this. Not only for you, but also for those men you're seeing.

 

By all means go out with friends etc, but try to lay low of the dating thing at least until you dont cry when you think about him.

 

I know how hard it is to let go of someone you truly loved, but its doable...horribly hard but possible.

 

And the NC thing? the depth of your love tells me that you will not be able to see him as just a friend any time soon, and until he cannot offer you more than that, its better for your own stability to not contact him at all. If you want you can send him a last email, telling him how important he is to you etc, but that you need to take care of yourself and for this you need to not hear from him in any way. This way he knows its not because you're angry at him but because you need to heal from what he did.

 

Also, dont beat yourself up for asking him the hard questions when he asked you back. You want someone who's going to be with you 100%, and not split (again) when things get a bit rough. If he isnt able to handle your questions, its very likely he was going to leave you anyway when you guys couldnt agree on what movie to watch someday.

 

One day at a time girly, its going to be ok....keep us posted

[janedoe123]

I just read your whole story and feel for you.

 

I don't have much advice, considering I need advice myself, but I can say this. I'm not sure if no contact is the way to go, but it seems like for now, even though you may think it feels good at the time, it's actually driving you nuts - reason being because you are analyzing the situation of every contact he makes, and even worse, stressing about what YOU should do about it. Think of it this way:

 

Regardless - you are broken up, for whatever reason. At the end of every day, you are going to bed without him, and no matter what you choose to do, or how you chose to handle a situation, it's over. now ...

 

Without contact - you can only get better - you can't get worse. I know it sounds impossible, but if you have no contact, you can count on each day being a TINY bit better. You will start to slowly forget him and the way he and you were together. I know it's going to be such a hard and painful time to deal with waking up every day and getting through your daily life and going to bed each night (to break it down). But if you don't have contact, every day you wake up it will take you longer and longer to think of him. Instead of it being instantly, you might find you have been awake for an hour before thinking of him, and each day it will get better until he is a distant thought.

 

With contact - none of the above. Not only will you be going through the pain and hurt every day like you would without contact, but on TOP of all that, you will be dealing with the stress almost every day of "what do his phone calls/emails mean" .... "how should I act because if I act a certain way I might scare him away again" ... "should I be friendly or short with him" ..... etc etc point is he's putting you through enough, you don't need the added stress. Plus, you won't be getting better every day because you will be at a stand still.

 

I think you should see if I'm right. Either way the relationship is over and what do you have to lose by having NC? Give yourself atleast two weeks. See if you actually start thinking of him later in the day instead of when you first wake up, see if maybe you actually smile or laugh at a few things after two weeks, see if at the end of a two week period you are actually feeling a little happier then you were at the beginning of the two weeks. Keep a journal. IF you see even the SLIGHTEST change - then there is solid proof you are doing what's best for you.

[hurtandbetrayed]

Thank you so much for your advice and support. Since contacting him to sever the phone contract, I have heard from him constantly. At first, I was able to stay guarded, not revealing anything about my life now and not asking anything about his. I was short, business like and to the point. Gradually, after several emails, email forwards, questioning, I have let my guard down. I am disarmed with how miserably he says his life is going and I find myself opening up to him about how I am now (not anything about us or romantic feelings, but information in general). I have gone from barely responding to his contact to responding enthusiastically and sympathetically as he lists his woes and how hard life is for him. He indicated he is not happy, and "Whatever doesn't kill him will make him stronger" and he thinks "this is character-building time".

 

Toolate: I have gone up to a period of 2 weeks without talking, and unfortunately I have found that I do love him and do miss him in my life. I understand it will need to be a much longer period of time to gain perspective, but I fear letting him go completely.

 

cr8sea: When I mentioned dating, I should clarify that I have only been on a few casual dates. I have not followed up with any of these men nor gotten involved at all because they all seem to serve as a poignant reminder of how in love I still am. I think I will heed your advice, however, and just stick to time with friends, as it is not fair to even go on casual dates knowing that I am still so hopelessly in love with a man who does not want me. It has been VERY difficult to forgive myself for not unquestionably accepting his desire to reconcile and that has been a source of continuous pain and heartache that I play over and over. Thank you so much for your support and kind words that help me to process that it may not be my fault his grand attempt at reconciling left me alone, again.

 

janedoe: I think you may be right about having to go no contact. It does go against everything I want and everything my heart is telling me but my brain knows I need to stop torturing myself. At the end of the day we are over, and staying in contact does not change that. I keep hoping that he will remember, through talking to me, how happy he was, but I need to face the fact that he took one look at me, at my best (and worst) and everything I had to offer, and said (after 5 years) "No thanks, I'll pass. I can do better"

I have a rough draft of the email I'm thinking of sending: any feedback or advice on the content (or whether I should send it at all!) would be appreciated...

 

 

 

"TheEx,

Being in contact with you recently has brought a lot of emotions to the surface for me. I find myself overwhelmed with missing you and confused and hurt by how harshly you discarded me. I need to communicate to you where I am, so hopefully you can understand and do what is best for us both in terms of moving forward in our lives.

 

I have spent a lot of time evaluating whether I missed you or I missed the comfort and familiarity being a relationship provided. I have determined I miss you. I am still in love with you and not able to move on as long as you are still in my life. When we are in contact I am not able to let go of what we had and I continue to find hope which prevents me from accepting that we are over.

 

Someday, perhaps when we are both happily married, it may be possible to have a friendly conversation to catch up as friends. But for now, I am not able to be just your friend and I no longer wish to pretend as though I am capable of having you in my life that way. For this reason, I will no longer be contacting you and have to respectfully request that you refrain from contacting me.

 

This is not the path I would have chosen for us had you not made the decision you did. It is incredibly painful for me to have to make this request and it goes against everything I want; I would like nothing more than to have you in my life. However, hearing about your life and sharing mine with you seems to serve as a continuously painful reminder of what I've lost.

 

Unless you are 100% certain I am the girl for you, I cannot continue to have you in my life. If we are not working towards building a stronger relationship, then I cannot allow you to continue to break my heart by being the man I fell in love with and a man I guess I never really knew at the same time. I loved you with all my heart for a very long time and am truly sorry that I cannot be your friend right now but I need to start watching out for and taking care of myself. "

[sao2]

I subscribe to the belief that emails after breakups should be short. You may disagree but I think you can convey everything you have to say with something along the lines of

 

dear ex,

I have missed you. My feelings for you are strong. If you are 100% certain that I am the girl for you then I am open to that. However if that is not what you have in mind I have to let you know that keeping in contact is just prolonging a healing process that I need. I wish it didn't have to be this way.

goodbye

Hurtandbetrayed

 

 

It's just my opnion as far as short emails but I think short emails are the way to go post-breakup. Good luck.

 

As for dating, I don't think you should write off casual dating completely. But yeah go out with friends and see if you can develop a little crush on somebody. That always helps.

[Zapbasket]

I'll write more later on when I have more time but for now I'm just popping in to say I think your letter is kick-a*s. I have to respectfully disagree with Sao2 because I think you said EXACTLY what needed to be said and the proportion of nuance to length makes yours actually quite a concise letter. Great job--the more so given the turmoil you're feeling at this time.

[101NEO]

I AGREE! the letter is fabulous!

 

you made sure you let him know that you still love him and care about the relationship, but you take a strong stance.

 

Now i'm a guy who has gone through a very similar break up. 5 years and at one point engaged. Since i am the guy, i also made some of the mistakes he did with you by 97% of the time being the perfect mate for my ex. however these were the things that drove us apart. these are things i have actually seen a therapist for and since i am now better equipped to handle the relationship and in a manner that is beneficial for the both of us, i know i can make it work.

 

one thing you have to pay attention to is that in my experiences, if one or the other remains guarded for too long, you will restart the relationship in already failing mode. in order for him to know 100% what he wants you have to give him the ability to know that you want him. it works the same way for women, or at least my ex.

 

i withdrew from persuing her about a month after she broke it off with me. i started dating other people. i was only doing it because i needed to move on as i thought she was done with the relationship. she calls me out of the blue and said that maybe she wanted to hang out. i agreed.

 

she asked me how i was doing and i decided to be honest with her. i told her i was sad, and that i missed my best friend, and all the everything we shared together. she asked if i was seeing anyone/doing anything with anyone and in honesty i told her that i met someone. it crushed her. so clearly she still cared and didn't want me to be with anyone else. at the same time she didn't want to be burt by me anymore nor give me the chance to hurt her again. i understand that, you have to protect your heart. me being honest and moving on made her withdraw a bit. so in guarding herself too much, she's making us regress not progress.

 

so here we are a month later (btw this has been going on for about 3 months total now) and we are finally starting to make things happen. right now we are going to be dating slowly. she has to re-learn to trust me to not hurt her.

 

now had we have just hop'd right back into the relationship again, we would have been destined for failure. now we are taking it slow and both realizing that neither of us have really moved on since the breakup due to the fact that neither of us want to be with anyone else, we just have to work through the issues.

 

now what i was getting at with the whole guarded thing. being guarded is ok, but you can't build a relationship back up if either party is too guarded. the relationship will be lopsided and that can have the ability to build resentment from the one who feel they are putting in more.

 

you also have to be 100% wanting to be with him and make sure that he knows it. that might be difficult for you as you are the one who got hurt by his actions.

[hurtandbetrayed]

Sao2: If you had seen the original, this would be short comparatively! Thanks for the idea about a crush, that sounds like just what I need right now.

 

Greencove: as always thanks for your support and thoughts. I am totally interested in your feedback and thoughts as you are so well spoken

 

101NEO: Your story give me a little bit of hope, how difficult this must have been for you. Not sure I quite understand your advice, though; I should be less guarded? How do I make sure he knows I want to be with him more than I have?

 

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and feedback, I really appreciate the input. I am going to try to send this letter sometime tomorrow (I just took his call! And he wound up letting me go! This is devolving!) so this place is keeping me honest about it...thank you so much. I don't know how to find the courage to do this but I have to...

[101NEO]

no i was trying to say that it's natural to guard yourself and your heart but in order for you guys to make it, you'll eventually have to give of yourself 100%. not 99% or any lower.

 

a successful relationship in my opinion, and it's only my opinion, is blind faith and trust in what you share. through the good and the bad you have to just let it happen without worrying or comparing things to the past. keep looking to the future and fight for what you believe in. you don't have to fight against each other but you still have to fight for each other.

 

at times his desire to fight for you guys will be stronger than yours. sometimes your desire to fight for you guys will be stronger than his but it's all a balance between you two.

 

does that make more sense?

[sao2]

Everyone is welcome to there own opinion. I don't think your letter is "bad" or "wrong". I am just saying . . . if he doesn't want to work to get you back then why should he be allowed to know any more than the very basics of your thoughts and feelings?

 

In time you will have to allow him access to your thoughts and feelings, but at this point . . . that's all I'm getting at.

[janedoe123]

I think your letter is fine.

 

my only advice is when you send this letter - realize that this will be 'closure' for you. Don't expect anything in return to your email. Say whatever you need to say to him so that when you look back you'll have no regrets, and you'll know you tried, and he still walked away. hopefully in the future that will comfort you knowing there was nothing more you could do.

 

Good luck and keep me posted about how you are doing!

[annabelle75]

I came here many months ago after a really hearbreaking break up. Much like you, it happened out of no where and I was in shock. As the weeks went by I heard rumors and found out little bits of information that explained it in some small way, but all it really meant was that he didn't love me the way I loved him. It killed me on the inside. I went NC for a period of time only allowing contact to tie up loose ends. I started dating others and just tried to heal. After about a month he starting coming around again and contacting me on a regular basis just to talk. He missed talking to me and wanted to be friends. I allowed it to a certain degree but kept myself guarded and constantly reminded myself that we were just friends and things were different now.

 

Where are we now? I just recieved about my 15th email from him this morning. We are debating which kind of spreadable cheese would taste best on pretzels. We are going on a trip next month to celebrate my birthday and he is going all out to make it special for me. Some how by allowing ourselves to be friends we have found our way back to each other. I have no idea what the future holds but for now I am enjoying my time with him. Taking away the pressures of the relationship has allowed us to reconnect. It feels good.

 

I don't want to give you false hope, but I thought you might like to know that when you are ready, being friends may not be such a bad thing.