Abruptly abandoned

[hurtandbetrayed]

TheEx and I have been dating for 5 years and he has been trying to get me to live for a long time, after hundreds of reassurances I relented this year. He let me pass up my lease and many other roommate options with the assurance we would be living together, starting in August. He always talked about how lucky we were to have found each other and he he loved me more than anything and I had all the qualities he wanted in a potential mate/wife. I am his first real relationship and love and he said he didn't think love was possible until he met me. He said everything he did was for us and he would never leave; that our relationship was more important to him than anything else. BUT TheEx has a history with me of having sporadic and extremely cruel and verbally abusive tirades he would unleash on me about twice a year (about 5-10 throughout our 5 year relationship). My reason for staying with him, was he unquestionably the most loving, caring, attentive, affectionate, considerate, supportive, and sweet man I have ever known for 360 days a year, so I stayed with him through the crap times.

 

We went on vacation the first week in June (his idea) for 4 days. While we were there I was sick, so I was a little crabby. However, for his birthday I went all out, and spent about $600 in his honor that night. We had a small fight the next night and he completely shut down. The next morning he told me we should not live together (before I got on a shuttle to board a plane by myself home-he was scheduled to be on a different flight and I sobbed the entire way home) and by the evening we had broken up. That night I cried, argued, reasoned, pleaded and begged, and he responded he just wanted to 'move on' and alluded to wanting to 'see what else is out there' and 'do what's best for him'. I left him a message saying I thought things had just gotten way out of hand and that we should discuss it rationally later. I thought he was just freaking out

 

We spoke briefly in the interim as I helped him with something I had previously committed to. I told him I wanted to meet 4 days after the initial breakup to talk and he agreed. I assumed the space would allow him to come to his senses. When he showed up he told me his feelings hadn't changed and gave me 2 reasons: he wasn't a well rounded person with me and no longer saw himself marrying me/having kids. He said we disagreed on at least one thing every day (isn't that how life works?) and he didn't want to get to a point where he hated seeing me. He told me that he felt he was at a 'crossroads' and had maybe always felt this way about me, or maybe that he lied about wanting to live with me. He said it was the hardest thing he ever had to do because I was his best friend and he missed me and we had many good times and could see a very happy future together living with me. He couldn't look me in the eye. All this was completely out of nowhere and contradicted everything I had sensed, heard and felt from him in the previous 5 years.

 

I told him that while I disagreed with giving up, I wasn't going to fight his decision because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I apologized for my bad behavior on this trip and any pessimistic and negative attitudes in the last few months. I didn't cry, beg, plead, argue, disagree or try to persuade him,although he must have been expecting me to. I told him that while we still had some things to figure out (His belongings at my house and $ issues) I needed time and he accepted. When he left he tried to SHAKE MY HAND but I gave him a hug (after 5 years!). It was suddenly like I was nothing more than a business associate. I took my keys back and he left. One week and one day later (this morning) I broke down and called him. He only had negative things to say about his life has been since we broke up. I expressed that I thought what we had was special, that I regretted the way in which I had become pessimistic and negative. He said time since the breakup had been very hard for him and he hadn't done much of anything. I asked him if he felt he made the right decision and he said yes--that while it had been very hard for him he had made the right decision for both of us. I said that before I moved on I wanted to verify he was certain, and he said he was

 

I will not be contacting again for a long time, and only when I HAVE to get his things (A LOT of things) back to him when I move in August. I am also still on his phone plan so we will need to work this out eventually. I am feeling very lost about the whole event. While, as I said, I think there was parts of our relationship that could use work, we had what all our friends and family envied. We had a few problems during our relationship but always successfully worked through them and were stronger for it (not sure if they are pertinent here). I encouraged us to also work hard on developing OURSELVES (we needed to maintain and nurture our friendships and own lives and not be complacent in making our selves happy), we never had infidelity issues. He went from convincing me to go away with him, persuading me and allowing me to count on him for a roommate, allowing me to spend an exorbitant amount on his birthday, to leaving me, with seemingly no warning, 48 hours later. I am devastated and have totally driven my family and friends crazy (I’m sure) with all the analyzing, questioning, lamenting, and sorrow, so I had to get it out somewhere. Any thoughts?

 

Sorry, I know that was long. It was cathartic to write down everything

[Zapbasket]

I don't have any advice to give; I can only chime in and say I really feel for you as I recently went through a very similar kind of break-up with my partner of 5 years. On December 1 he told me, over a toast at a restaurant, that I was a "beautiful person" and he wanted to be with me "forever," and on December 5 he broke up with me over the telephone, refused to let me join him for the holidays with his family on the opposite coast, and except for one totally lame meeting supposedly "for closure" on January 4, he stonewalled me ever since. On Feb 13 he sent me a god-awful e-mail that was a literary masterpiece of ties severance in as few words as possible, and since then there has been no contact. I still hurt terribly, though my life is moving on almost in spite of me. I feel--still--completely blindsided, despite months of analyzing, crying, questioning, musing...pretty much every neuron still is pointed to this awful event like paperclips to a magnet.

 

It's really hard, because when you love someone you can't vilify them for whatever decision they make; you try to give benefit of the doubt and see circumstances through their eyes. I'd love nothing more than to write off my partner as an ass, but he wasn't an ass--he was a wonderful man in my eyes with whom I'd still be if he hadn't ended our relationship. That said, I do think that more often than not a person's decision to end a relationship suddenly, with no warning or discussion beforehand, says more about them than it says about you. It's not some judgment of your worth or character and hard as it is it's important to try to hang on to that conceptualization (believe me, it will be verrrrrrry fleeting in the coming months if you cope with your situation in any akin to how I've been coping).

 

I'm sorry for what's happened to you and I hope you'll keep posting--I don't write much on here but I do read these threads from time to time, for the comfort of knowing there are people out there coping with the incredible pain I'm feeling right now. It really sucks to discover that someone you thought was as committed to being together as you were could just end things in what seems like a snap--and it's no consolation to hear, as you will hear from well-meaning folks, that probably he was gradually detaching himself and coming to this decision over a long period of time. Then you have to look back over not just the last month of your relationship, but YEARS, and think that during that time when your hand was to the plow his was groping into the abyss of future possibilities that didn't include you. I don't think people always work like this. Some might, but not all. I think people who are not prone to confronting issues in a relationship, but rather mull them over in their mind's 'cave,' reach not a point of rational decision but of overwhelming loss of a feeling of control, and so they have to end what they have realized they did not fully put themselves into because they were too passive, not not loving enough. If that makes sense. Again, not a blanket application to all people, just one possibility that I think applies in *my* situation that you might feel could apply to yours.

[hurtandbetrayed]

Thank you for reading that long story and responding. You don't know how much that helps to hear. You are very insightful and I am shocked at how poignantly you grasped my situation. I am sorry for what you went through and I totally agree with the last part especially. The abrupt decision from being overwhelmed, the realization of passivity. I think he was very unhappy with his own life, saw a part of it he could change (us) and asserted control over what (in actuality) made him very happy, just to regain a sense of power over himself. For what it's worth, I've spoke with friends who are in the mental health profession and this is not the behavior of a normal person, I believe you are right that this speaks volumes about his relationship with himself and not necessarily our relationship.

 

I am under no delusions; I think it is perfectly normal and sane to have some doubts about any relationship, and to only adult and rational to prepare for future possibilities without your significant other, no matter how happy you may be. That is a very different thing from contemplating leaving for a period of time.

 

Despite what I may hear, aside from the normal considerations of facing life alone, I do not think he contemplated leaving AT ALL before he 'snapped'. He was leading the charge to build a future together, not detaching. Hope that is some consolation, sounds like you had the same type of experience.

[Zapbasket]

He was leading the charge to build a future together, not detaching. Hope this is some consolation, sounds like you had the same type of person.

 

My partner never lead the charge in anything, which became a major problem in the relationship. He was a motivated person, but passive; he never spoke about the future and the more time passes and renders things clearer, I feel that it was more due to the fact that he *couldn't* do it, than to the fact that he was secretly thinking we didn't have a future together and was just stringing me along. The problem was, he always looked to me to decide what we would do, and often he wouldn't like my decision, but would say so after the decision had been acted upon, and I started to feel inadequate because it was like nothing ever made him happy. I'd ask and ask for his input, but never received any, only his resentment when whatever I decided didn't meet with his 100% approval or failed to uphold his need for comfort and ease. It's a crass way to say it but the clearest way, I think: I think over time someone who does that feels like somewhere along the way they lost their balls, and you're right I think in that they then sever the relationship, which may or may not be the source of their unhappiness, to restore some sense of self and control--not realizing that they could have done that INSIDE THE CONTEXT OF the relationship and made themselves, and their partner who loved them, MUCH, MUCH HAPPIER.

 

Funny, just yesterday I was feeling really low (not wanting to go home alone to my new apartment--so uncharacteristic of the pre-break-up me; I've always been comfortable being alone and there have been times in the past 6 months, like last night, when the very idea of going home and being alone makes me cry), and I called up a good friend, and she said to me, you know, it's not much consolation but everything you describe about this break-up and the circumstances surrounding it sounds like the way A LOT of guys break off their relationships. And then I found your thread and discovered so many subtle similarities in our situations. I don't know what that means for each of us, if it's true that "so many" guys end things this way...but at least for me it makes me feel a little less like somehow it was really because I was a bad girlfriend. Actually, now that more time has passed, I think I was a great girlfriend--not perfect--but I was always 100% real and sincere and making efforts to listen and to communicate. Imperfectly, of course, all of it...but I have to forgive myself. I hope you are managing to find fleeting moments of self-forgiveness and peace--you sound much, much more level than I did in the immediate aftermath.

[hurtandbetrayed]

I am barely hanging on here and could use any feedback that is available.

 

My ex hung out with mutual friends and it was reported that he could not stop talking/asking about me/us. He told them the reason that he dumped me was because 'it isn't right' and 'he didn't see a long-term future'. The thing that kills me is that he always talked so casually about our future, about our kids or wedding and now it's like I'm being rejected for a job I didn't apply for. I am spending a lot of time blaming myself, because I have always been so very Anti-marriage and vocal about it. While I conceded that one day I may want to get married, I always talked so disparagingly about marriage and kids, so now I feel like I am part of the reason he no longer envisioned that for us

 

I drunk dialed him this weekend (second contact since breakup). We both did a lot of crying. I can't remember all of the conversation, but I know he told me that he feels absolutely horrible since we broke up. That he has been in intense physical pain. That he still loves me. That I am his best friend and he misses talking to me throughout the day. That there wasn't someone else when he broke up with me (on June 11, maybe there is now?) That he thinks I'm beautiful. That this is the hardest thing he's ever done.

 

So WHY DID WE BREAK UP? Aren't long-term relationships based on the things he admitted we have (compatibility, attraction, best friends, happiness)? He broke up with me so he could be 'happy' but he describes his life as being miserable since he's done it. It is so hard to accept, after 4.5 years, that 'it isn't right, things changed' in the course of 48 hours!

 

He still wants to be friends and he still has stuff at my house, but I can't deal with either of those things right now. I wake up every morning crying, I dream about him every night, and I cannot stop thinking about him. I miss him so much, and I know he misses me too, I know we love each other and I am going insane from being apart. I miss my best friend too.

[meleeda]

Sometime NC works for some relationships in this situation. If you broke up because he say he does not love you or wants you to find another and he is giving you tiime to find another. Its been my experience that once you has time to regain your self-worth and sort of forget about them, they come calling..dunno why..maybe karma. My ex and I broke up over a year ago and I was fine with it at the time..

 

Once he realized that it is not easy to find a good woman and he truly loves you he will want to spend the rest of my life with you.. for him it was too late as someone else had scooped me up and he lost out and could not get over it. Give it time, he will realize his mistake and the tables will be turned. Good luck to you and we are praying for you..

 

In my case it took a few months for him and this was a guy who would never move to my town, never move out of his house, never make any commitment and was jealous of everthing I did or who I talked to realized once I was gone how foolish he was and told me so. He came to me and told me that he would move to my town to be closer to me and in fact move in with me. confessed all sorts of love and things, but it was too late I found another.

[hurtandbetrayed]

Well, I met with a clinical psychologist out of desperation today and read her basically a book report of the whole thing that happened and I cried. She said I was going through reactive depression, that I showed all the signs. She said it usually lasts between 4-6 weeks. I explained to her how it was hard to want to get better, and she said that was common because by allowing myself to process the grief I am might feel I am accepting what happened. I told her about my concerns and what I felt was unanswered. She said that if I thought it would help me that I could contact TheEx to get information that I felt was still missing. After leaving her office I decided I wanted to get one last bit of information so I called TheEx:, conversation below:

 

I told him that although we had talked on Sunday and I has asked him drunk, I wanted to know sober if there was someone else. He said “At that time:, there was not”. I asked what that meant. He expressed again that we was not involved with anyone else when we were together. I asked if he had a girlfriend now and said no, but he had been talking to girls. I asked if he was dating anyone and he said no. I asked if he had met someone when we were together or had cheated on me. He said “TheEx: No, and I want you to know I would never have pursued or been involved in anything while we were together, that's not who I am.”

I said okay, and then asked him why he was asking mutual friends if I hated him? He said he had been asking that. I told him “if you want to know that you should have just asked me. I may have even said something to that effect, but I want you to know that I do not hate you. I am angry and disappointed in you because I think--look; you have your opinion and you think that what you did was the right thing for both of us/ I think you made a terrible mistake. And I think you went about it in a very wrong way. But I do not hate you for it. And maybe, much further down the line when any and all feelings we may have for each other have completely died down, we may be able to be friends some day.” He said he would really like that. I told him I would call him when all of his stuff was together a few weeks down the line and he said he was glad I called. Then goodbye.

 

I think I know the truth now but it does hurt quite a bit. Am I stupid to believe that this guy did not cheat on me? Also, it was weird, another ex boyfriend that the recent one knows about sent my first comment ever on myspace; yesterday my recent ex closed his account. Is it because there were all kinds of comments and memories of me? He has found someone else; he is ‘talking’ to girls and we have not been broken up 3 weeks, after we were in love for 5 years. Did he meet the girl he was going to marry and dump me? I feel like I am dying. Any feedback is appreciated.

[funkybassplayer]

Hi i think trying to work out ifs and why are what slows people from getting better. I was like you, and as soon as i started accepting the situation, i started to recover fairly fast. I think now, it doenst matter at all what he did etc, its over and thats the thing to grasp. Evey one on here has a different reason, some similar, i have seen so many like mine, but at the end of the day, the relationship is over, and tossing and turning in bed over what might have been or what hes thinking etc, will not make a blind bit of differance. Good luck anyway, Rich x

[Zapbasket]

I so feel you and I can just imagine the tumult you're going through right now. One thing I'm finding useful is to just submit to riding out the many opposing emotions you're feeling and will feel. There's no use trying to squelch them and I think we process grief in the way we do for a reason. Let it wash over you and believe everyone here when they say it WILL get better. Submit to the pain. You're not going to be able to help wondering why; I think it is inevitable when you're broken up with abruptly.

 

I will say this: I'll bet you he really is not out dating other women at this early stage. You put him on the spot with your question as to say unequivocably, "No, I'm not thinking about other women right now," would be to suggest, to your ears in your state, that there's hope for the two of you and it would be unfair of him to give you hope when either a) he himself doesn't know the ultimate outcome of this break or b) he knows with 100% certainty there's to be no second chance. If you talk to him, I suggest you not ask questions like that as NO answer will be satisfying to you. Face your pain as I said above, but do not put yourself through unnecessary pain.

[hurtandbetrayed]

I just talked to a mutual friend.

At least one of the girl's he is referring to, to my complete shock, is a girl that he told me hit on him in a bar several weeks ago. She was brazen and tacky in that as soon as he met her she asked him to grope her and we both laughed at her when talking about it later. I did not know they exchanged numbers. They did, and while he did not contact her while we were together, in the last 3 weeks since we have broken up, they have talked. I feel like I have been shot. I don't think he is a cheater, but he is a liar. I don't want to know any more.

[hurtandbetrayed]

I just talked to a mutual friend.

At least one of the girl's he is referring to, to my complete shock, is a girl that he told me hit on him in a bar several weeks ago. She was brazen and tacky in that as soon as he met her she asked him to grope her and we both laughed at her when talking about it later. I did not know they exchanged numbers. They did, and while he did not contact her while we were together, in the last 3 weeks since we have broken up, they have talked (but are not dating). I feel like I have been shot. I don't think he is a cheater, but he is a liar. I don't want to know any more.

[Zapbasket]

I'm sorry; that really sucks. This past summer I was flying out to attend my partner's best friend's wedding and I did something similar to your guy. My partner and I had had a bad fight; he was very mean to me and I was resentful the whole plane ride. I got delayed several hours in a stopover city airport, and during that debacle I struck up a conversation with a very good looking guy. It was totally innocent; I didn't approach him but we were all milling about wondering when we could board again and I announced that I was getting something to eat and would anyone like to come with and he said yes. We talked for the 3 additional hours we were at the airport, and sat together for the 5 hour plane ride. we talked about our relationships, and he showed me pictures of his family on his laptop and I thought to myself, "Well, it's nice to know that if things don't work out with my guy there are other intelligent, good-looking, good guys out there." I felt guilty for this, but not too guilty to take down his phone number and e-mail address.

 

I never intended anything to come of it; I was frustrated and enjoyed our plane ride. I had no intention of contacting him and when inevitably he did contact me several months later, I did not reply and deleted his e-mail. I, too, had told my partner about my plane ride and my conversation with that guy--I of course did not say I found him attractive, etc.

 

And though I did that, my heart was with my partner. But once we broke up, in my desperation I contacted that guy, because I remembered my attraction to him. I wasn't in love with him and I haven't contacted him since January, despite his many attempts to get in touch with me.

 

Point being, feelings are complicated. Your guy is probably just using this person to try to deal with his LTR having ended. Yes, he might be hoping there could be something, but it doesn't mean you are insignificant to him. He told you he was struggling; I'm sure he is.

[hurtandbetrayed]

I only wish now that I had not contacted him at all; I did so good for the first 8 days (the longest we had gone without talking to each other).

 

Now, from days 9 - 17, I have contacted him 4 times (and responded to his only contact)! That is an average of ever other day!

 

I was so proud of myself and was so staunch in my no contact. Then I kept hearing from mutual acquaintances how hard it was for him, how 'he missed his best friend' and missed talking to me, and I was so STUPID and GAVE IN. I probably only succeeded in reminding him why he broke up with me in the first place. Now he probably does not miss me at all. I feel like I lost all the dignity and strength I established at the beginning of the breakup. This sucks!!! All I had to hold onto was that strength and respect and I gave in to weakness and deeply regret it!

[hurtandbetrayed]

What should I DO???????

 

So I have not contacted the ex since the 27th. Today, I get a series of phone calls from him out of the blue. I call him back and he said he needs to see me and talk to me. He said he was not okay. I told him I would figure out a public place and get back to him...

 

So Then I rethink it and send him an email and demand to know what he wants to meet about. Then I remember he won't have access so I just call him. He said he needs to meet about us; he missed me; he's not sure he made the right decision. I told him he better have something really well thought out to say because I have been through enough! Then he sends me an email back and it says :

 

"The topic of the meeting is that I need to see if there is an opportunity to have my best friend and my love back in my life. I have been miserable without you. I need to see you in person and find out if there is still any chance to work this out"

 

WHAT SHOULD I DO???????? This is SO CONFUSING!!!!!

 

I love him so much but I cannot go through this again. Counseling?

[hurtandbetrayed]

When T first met up with me, he announced a speech to me:

"I made the biggest mistake of my life. I saw things I was unhappy with in our relationship, and I started thinking that this was the only relationship I would ever be in, and I panicked. I broke up with you, and it hurt at first, and I at first thought that it was just normal. But as more time went by, I realized I missed you more and more. I did all the things I thought I wanted to do; hung out with friends and got wasted, but they didn't make me happy. I miss my best friend. I want you back as my girlfriend. I love you, and that has never been in question, I've always known that. I am miserable without you. "

 

I told him I was very happy to hear it, but the entire time I remained very guarded and skeptical. I told him I deserved to be with someone who knew that I was their #1 choice at all times, that knew they loved me. I told him that just because he may be feeling lonely or sad that is no reason for us to get back together. I told him that I had never tried to influence him one way or the other, that this was all his decision. I told him that while I have always been of the opinion we should work things out, that I was okay without him. I told him I was not someone's backup plan or second choice. I told him that it was not the responsibility of a relationship to make him happy. I told him a healthy relationship could ONLY work when it was 2 independently happy and whole people coming together. I told him we couldn't go back to how it was, but we could start off slowly and work on a new relationship, like going back to dating. I asked him what he was willing to do to make the relationship work.

 

Instead of reassuring me, which is what I expected and needed to hear, T said he had made a mistake by coming down. We talked 2 more hours that night and 3 the next day. He apologized, but said he was confused and didn't know what he wanted. He said some of the points I brought up resonated with him. He said that he had been unhappy for a long time, and agreed to take steps to find out how to be happy and what was wrong. He had the audacity to say that he didn't feel the love, attraction, or connection when we met up. He used the line that he knew he loved me but maybe wasn't in love with me. I told him that was because he had DESTROYED years of trust and happiness, and it doesn't come back right away. I asked him what he had expected when he showed up, he told me he expected it to make him happy again right away. I advised him why that was an unrealistic expectation, because only HE HIMSELF could make him happy. I vacillated between very strong and almost BEGGING him to go with his gut and come back. I kept saying "we both admit we have been absolutely miserable apart, why can’t we work this out? I will stand by you while you get help" I pleaded, I yelled, I got angry, I cried, and I reasoned. He said he couldn't get back with me until he had himself figured out. I suggested that we date or be friends while he got counseling and got better, and he said he couldn't. He said he realized he had been very unhappy and he had to figure himself out first before he dated anyone. He realized it wasn't our relationship that had made him unhappy, it was himself. I told him he was too mixed up to know what he wanted; if he wanted to dump or marry me. He ceded that he was too mixed up to know for sure if we would be together in the future or not. He said he couldn't imagine why anyone would want to stand by anyone as screwed up as he was.

 

I got some of the rumors straightened out. He told me he hadn't come back because he had been dumped; in fact he had several girls were interested in him but he didn't want them. He said he had been out on one date and had not been intimate with anyone. I told him I had also been on a date but I didn't like being single. I told him that while I may date guys, I am still in love with him. I told him I would wait for him and also I told him I wouldn't wait for him. I ended the call with 'Got get yourself fixed and then come back'.

 

So I am an idiot because basically he came down begging for me back, which is what I wanted. But I decided to be guarded, and distant, and asked hard questions, and now he has no idea whether he will ever want me or not. The only good out of all of this is that he agreed to get counseling. Why am I such an idiot? I had things in the palm of my hand and screwed it up. On one hand, I am proud because I maintained self-respect (at least at first), and on the other hand, I blew a chance to get my best friend back. I hurt so bad. Please help me make sense of all this.

[Zapbasket]

Hi there, Hurtandbetrayed,

 

Well, first, let me get this little childish bit out of the way: I'm so jealous! Please realize that what happened to you is what most of us here probably DREAM of happening to them (their partner coming back and saying s/he made a mistake), and for most of us, that won't happen. So, now that my tingles of envy have found a voice, down to business:

 

I think you should be really proud of yourself, even though it might not result in the outcome you thought you most wanted. I mean, you *think* what you most want is to have him back, right? But by your actions, what you *really* want is to have a relationship where BOTH people are equally invested, equally committed, equally certain that this is the relationship they want to be in. If your long-time partner can't fulfill this for you...then maybe you don't want him. I really think you prevented a repeat of him abruptly ending the relationship. It sucks to the max, but it sounds like he really needs to sort some things out--mostly his feelings about HIMSELF and his own direction in life need to get clearer to him before he can even begin to think HONESTLY about how he really feels about you.

 

It's bittersweet. You hung tough and I think you did the wisest thing. You didn't close the door in his face or on the relationship. IN fact, I think you paved the way to making it MORE likely you and he will find WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU BOTH. Hopefully, that's getting back together, into a new, stronger, more truly committed relationship with each other. In any case, you stood up for yourself wonderfully well, without being foolishly rigid, and should really really congratulate yourself for that display of integrity and self-respect.

 

Hang in there. And man, am I jealous that you actually get to TALK about things with your love. As more time passes with my situation, and no word from him, I feel like it's truly possible he's never going to contact me again. Just severed, just like that. No relationship that ever mattered to either party should come to such an end, where there's no chance to hear each other's sides. I hope all works out for you two....

[hurtandbetrayed]

Well, all it feels like is that he came down with promises of love and somehow I managed to get rejected all over again. I just want him WITH me, and I feel like my actions have made this completely impossible to ever happen again. He came down to win me back and then as soon as he got there remembered why he left me in the first place. I screwed this up big time. I am so angry at myself. I cannot keep looking at his email he sent on MONDAY where he is begging to come down to win me back. Look how low and far I have gotten us since.

 

I am a total idiot. I called him this morning and asked him to go to a movie with me. I don't know what is wrong with me or what I was thinking. When he said he didn't want to see the movie, I asked if he didn't want to see me. He said 'not right now, no'. I said "You screwed me up, you started this" and he said 'I know'. I asked him if he had sought counseling yet and he said not yet, but he would. I feel absolutely awful and stupid. He wanted me back and I have somehow turned that into he never wants to be with me again. I told him I was sorry for calling but then called him back and left a message. I feel like I am losing my mind. It feels like it is too late; like he said there is too much damage done. I feel like now that he knows I want him he doesn't want me; I feel like I successfully killed any possibility of attraction. All the strength I showed when we broke up, what probably attracted him back to me in the first pae, has now been replaced with patheticness.

What is happening? Anyone have any advice or insight

[Interpersonal]

It was so strange reading your story as I have just gone through almost the exact thing over the last 2 week. Even our reactions and feelings where the same. I cant tell you things will get better as I am not so sure myself. But I know we owe it to ourselves to try and move on and hold on to some of our pride.

[hurtandbetrayed]

So I invited him to a movie or to hang out on Friday and he said he couldn't see me. He did, however, hang out with my friends (I guess they are his now too) as they have a mutual friend. I called/emailed him today to wish him good luck on his final tonight, to call me if he wanted a friend, and that was that. I am just so lost and don't know what to do.

 

On one hand, since he came down and gave me that speech, I have hope. I had been in the process of ridding myself of hope, and then I heard 'he made the biggest mistake ending our relationship and wanted me back' and all my hope (but not immediately trust) came rushing back. Then, after discussion, he said he had made a mistake coming BACK, and didn't know what he wanted. Then he said he needed to figure it out. So now I guess I don't EXPECT but still HOPE that we will work things out.

 

They say if you love something, set it free and if it comes back it is meant to be. But what about if you love something, set it free, it comes back, but then you are apprehensive/ask difficult questions/ and then said love says they are not sure WHAT they want.

 

The cynic in me is looking at the situation and saying "He is JERKING you around, he came back because he was lonely, found out you were willing to work it out but it would be WORK, and then no longer wanted you" Part of me is just saying go back to No Contact Whatsoever and give up.

 

Any advice or guidance on how to handle this would be helpful, I am so so lost.

[Tenorman]

HurtandBetrayed you have to cut contact with your ex completely until you are completely healed. There are many posts espousing the wisdom of this. Once you achieve this state of healing, I strongly suspect (if the depth, intelligence and feeling revealed in your posts are anything to go by) that you will either attract a superior and more mature partner and/or will see your ex in his true and proper light and will be able to make much better and more rational decisions.

[hurtandbetrayed]

Thanks, Tenorman, for your generous words. I am feeling really low and that was nice to hear.

 

We have been in sporadic contact this week, discussing non-relationship issues. I initiated the contact at the advice of a male friend, and the ex has been quick to engage in contact. When I laid out everything that had happened to my male friend, he suggested I have casual contact with the Ex because I had been so harsh and guarded (though rightly so) to his request for a second chance.

 

I feel like there was real headway made during our last meeting--he promised to get counseling for some of his issues, which he now acknowledges as the reason our relationship ended. It just feels so RIGHT to be talking with him again, feels so natural and it is hard to stop. In light of everything that has happened, I am just questioning if no-contact is truly the way to go.

 

Let me get the glaringly obvious reasons for NC out of the way; he dumped me out of nowhere, and was obviously not completely sure that he was ready for a committed adult relationship when he came back (even though that is what he expressed he wanted), he did not opt to take me up on my generous offer to stand by and support him while he works out his issues (although in his mind this may be because it wouldn't be fair to me), we are still broken up. I just don't want this guy to get away (faults and all).

[Tenorman]

He's got BIG issues to work out (and query has an ongoing insecurity about not having been with "enough" women - bad), you're feeling low and hurt, just seems to me that the respective healing processes should be done separately, mainly for your sake, and it's not going to happen overnight and I don't think it can be done together nor with you trying to save him or always being there for him. I'd be looking to attending to yourself right now.

 

I also think the confidence and strength you will gain by knowing that you can live and function without him and can truly leave a situation when you're not getting back what you deserve is essential for your own respect and him respecting you in turn.

 

I'd give another 4-6 weeks of NC at least. If you lose him (and I don't think you have him to lose btw) or for that matter discard him in that time, then so be it.

 

But at the end of the day perhaps all I can say is look after yourself and good luck.

[hurtandbetrayed]

Hi there,

Thanks for your responses

Over the weekend (on Saturday night) he sent me an email, telling me that I was the first person to know he has found an apartment in the city (he has been living with his parents). It was immediately followed by another email asking how I was and indicating he wasn't doing anything but study all weekend. A few hours later, I got a 3rd email asking a question about the building dept. in our city.

 

Over the weekend I partied WAY too hard, got blackout drunk and lost my phone. By the time I got the email yesterday, I was still buzzed and decided to call him back. When I did, I sounded horrible and he immediately expressed concern, and called me 'baby' (which I have missed SO much). We were discussing my new roommate and I said that I was excited to have a new roommate, and that for some reason my new roommate absolutely LOVES me. He responded that 'there are so many reasons to love you'. It's like my heart melted.

 

We arranged a time for him to come pick up his stuff (June 30) and he also offered to help me move (I declined).

 

Part of my question is this: when he came back to me asking for another chance, one of the stipulations I had was that we would have to start off slow, rebuilding the relationship. Now, granted, later in this conversation he did freak out, said he made a mistake coming down and trying to win me back and needed more time to get himself together. But isn't what he has been doing very much like what I requested for us getting back together? Calling me and being concerned, sharing his life with me? It seems counter-intuitive to now turn around and refuse to have contact with him. I have not been initiating the contact (well, except for one phone call/email to wish him luck on a test, he has contacted me 3 times since then). I just miss him in my life so much.

 

On the other hand, maybe it was the very low contact we had immediately after the break up that caused him to want to come back in the first place? Also, always remembering, HE broke up with ME. Is he using me for the friendship that he missed, and by giving it to him am I being a fool? Or could this be the 'rebuilding' I requested?

[hurtandbetrayed]

I have to use this place as an outlet, unfortunately I continue to be in contact with my ex. Between the multiple emails he sent last week and this weekend, and having to contact him regarding our phone plan, it feels like he is back in my life. I know this is not good. I am going to stop contacting him altogether. We have arranged to exchange our belongings on June 30. That may be the last time I ever see the man who is the love of my life.

 

He sent me an email and I was the first to know he finally found an apartment. He told me it was Saturday night and he was just in, studying. He wanted to know how I was. It felt good to be the first person he told about his new place. However, he now has a place to take new women if he should want to. For all I know, he is dating someone else. But my gut tells me this isn't the case.

 

Am I working towards building a solid foundation for us should he realize what he wants is to work it out? Am I being used for my friendship and attention while he moves on? Is he really seeking counseling and honest with me about what is going on in his life? Was this all an elaborate version of 'it's not you, it's me' used to make it easier for me to swallow that he no longer wants me? Am I waiting on him? Why did he come back and then get 'confused'? Why aren't we together now? When do I give up? Is this getting better or worse?

 

I continue to have contact with him and I feel better, it is nice to be in his life and know what is going on. I could not handle someone new with him, though.

 

Will he come back again? He says he knows he loves me, how can he be confused?

[sao2]

It's good to use this as a sounding board, especially if you don't want to contact the ex.

 

I know it is hard to realize and that in moment of anxiety you will feel like you made a huge mistake but you were absolutely and completely correct in having expectations of him in a return.

 

Fact is no matter what the reason you guys broke up, there were aspects of the relationship that were unacceptable to you. It is pure torture to be in a relationship where you don't feel completely loved, especially if you feel you are giving everything you have. You can't go back to that. You should be proud of yourself.