alasia Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 If you've read my other posts, you'd know that my ex is quite controlling, a bit spoilt, expects everyone to change their plans to fit him, etc and recently because I didn't change my life to fit around him, he called the police and got me arrested for harassment. There's more to the story but that's pretty much the root of it - read my other posts for more info Anyway I know I'm pretty stubborn (which is the reason I'm posting this; to get an outsiders opinion) but I don't think my ex is treating me fairly. Ok so he's the type to split up with someone, then go completely NC. If he decides he still loves his ex after a while, he'll try and win them back (but only if he can be bothered...he doesn't put much effort into it). I'm not like that and to be honest, I can't understand why you'd never want to see someone again if you once loved them. I always try and stay friends - or at least casual aquaintances - with my exes. I respect his decision, and I know I've done some really crazy/hurtful stuff to him recently, but I think he's taken the NC thing too far. For a start I'm 7 months pregnant by him, and all he's said recently whenever I've seen him, is "get out of my face". Thing is, I've been trying. I want to give him the space he's asking for, because I know how annoying it must be to keep seeing someone you don't want to see. But at the same time, I don't believe in putting myself out just to avoid him. I don't go out specifically looking for him, not at all - but he's a bus driver and while I've been avoiding the buses I know he's driving (which in itself is a pain as it means an extra hour's wait and is more expensive for me), when he changes his shift and have to wait the extra hour for the next bus just so he doesn't feel...whatever he feels when I'm around him. Does that make sense? Whenever I've tried to catch a bus he's driving but I didn't know about, I've always apologised but explained I have no choice and he gets moody - eventually he'll let me on, but not without making sure he tells me to sit down and not talk to him (which I don't anyway!), and it's this kind of thing he calls harassment. He seems to think I sit waiting in town to see what bus he's on, but that's impossible. For a start I have a life and better things to do, and secondly; being 7 months pregnant I get uncomfortable sitting or standing around for too long, so couldn't do it even if I was that unhinged as to want to! Take Saturday night for example; my mother had promised to get a newspaper for me so I could check the property pages (it's a local one for the town she lives in, can't get it here) but she forgot. So I decided to catch a bus into the nearest place that sold the paper. My ex was driving (again, a bus he wasn't supposed to be on). I asked permission to get on, he said no but let me on anyway and then we got to the destination, I got off but told him I had to go straight home - could I catch his bus back home again, or did I have to get the train (whiich would have been more expensive). He told me to get the train. I didn't have the money for the train, so I asked to get his bus - after all, I'd be sitting at the back of the bus! He let me on, then told me I should have gone out on Sunday or Monday to get the paper when he wasn't working. Things like that really annoy me; why should I avoid going out on a particular day to avoid seeing him, when he obviously doesn't care and keeps changing his shifts around! If he really didn't want to see me then he could have stuck to his original shift (in a completely different town). Why should I always be the one to change?! I know it's petty but it's affecting my life - I now have no idea what times/shifts he'll be working, so I either have to add an extra 2 hours to my journey time each day (in case he happens to be on a bus I want to catch), or do what I'm doing tonight - which is stay in. I was supposed to be seeing friends tonight but I've got such a strong feeling he'll be driving the bus in my town tonight that I daren't risk it. On top of the inconvenience of it all, he had me arrested for this supposed 'harassment', and made things worse for me by lying in his police statement - he said he'd "had to" apply for a transfer at work to avoid me (turns out he hasn't), that he's moving house to avoid me knowing where he lives (he isn't) and that I caught his bus one night, refused to sit down and then refused to get off the bus when he asked me to - none of that ever happened; I got on his bus, then went to sit at the back and didn't speak to him for the whole journey! I don't see why he should get me arrested, then lie, then expect me to change my life around to suit him - plus I'm in court for this thing next Thursday and I'm bound to get a restraining order (due to his lies; he's admitted he lied to me, but he won't admit it to the police), which will make things even harder for me! Meanwhile he gets to live his life as normal, carry on controlling mine by forcing me to always look out for him and avoid his buses, and on top of that I get stuck being a single mum, he wants nothing to do with the baby and the other night had the cheek to tell me he didn't want me trying to claim child support! Does this seem fair to you?
madgun68 Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Alasia, You're still giving him control. You're basically asking his permission to live your life and you shouldn't be. If he's going to be that way towards you, treat him like every other bus driver. Don't ask for his permission to get on the bus; you don't need it. Just get on like it was any other driver and go about your business. Don't say anything you don't need to. As far as child support.. It is his child, how he feels about it doesn't matter any more. He doesn't seem to care about you or the child, but it IS his duty to pay. Make him.
Author alasia Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 That's the thing though - I have to ask his permission, because at the moment (because of his lies) I'm on bail conditions not to see him until court next thursday, then I'm bound to get a restraining order unless my solicitor can prove he lied (doubtful, as it's just my word against his) - so basically I'm screwed. All I can hope for is that my solicitor can get the terms of the injunction made so that I keep away from his house/town (because I never go there anyway and have no reason to) and possibly the buses I know he's driving - but hopefully not the ones I don't know about. Whenever I've caught his bus in the past few weeks (only a handful of times), I've got on and not spoken to him. It's my ex that makes snide comments or makes a point of saying "don't talk to me" to show me up in front of other passengers, and he's also told everyone at his work what a 'psycho' I am - so they give me dirty looks or make comments when they see me. Or just stare at me, which is worse. That's the part I don't think is fair; I've been made out to be some kind of psycho because of my (admittedly bad) behaviour while he gets off scot-free, even though he was violent and controlling towards me throughout the relationship! No point getting upset over it though, I guess. Not a lot I can do.
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