whirlwinds_sister Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Lol! What makes you think that that isn't exactly what my wife is doing? She's happy! FH, I'm afraid I don't understand you either. My marriage is terrible, just a shell of a relationship. I know exactly why the A happened. I don't understand how your spouse can be all of these good things and you still cheated on her. The only thing I can think is you are carrying some resentment still from her A and she's emotionally distant because of it, maybe because she never forgave herself.
Tomcat33 Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 FH, I'm afraid I don't understand you either. My marriage is terrible, just a shell of a relationship. I know exactly why the A happened. I don't understand how your spouse can be all of these good things and you still cheated on her. The only thing I can think is you are carrying some resentment still from her A and she's emotionally distant because of it, maybe because she never forgave herself. My guess is HE never forgave her, hence all the justifications for having the affair, and the reason she has been so distance is maybe because SHE got used to being distanced from him because all this time has passed but though he stayed with her he couldn't forgive her. The way he refers to it all the time like "oh well it's done now time to move on, glad it's over" it sounds like it should read more "ok I settled my score now we can resume our lives" Sorry but that's what it looks like from this end...
ridingthebulls Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Favorite, did your wife ever explain why she cheated on you?
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 If she is so happy why did she cheat on you? Furthermore why did YOU cheat on her? If she is happily married to you that makes you an even more selfish _____ for doing that to a happily married woman! Because she was a stupid young 25 year old who was taken advantage of by an older man. That is ancient history. That was nothing but a bunch of crap. I didn't cheat "on her", I had a THING with an OW. My wife had nothing to do with that. I never felt like I was doing anything to her at all (though I was).I never saw it as a betrayal until later. I don't think I was selfish at all. If I was then I wouldn't have tried to help ow at all. It was hardly selfishness that got me involved with all that.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 Yes but didn't you say you'd like things to change? You must know. Yeah, but that'll have to wait until all the rest of the kids are grown.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 So the question begs to be asked why did you cheat on her???????????? The answer is that I really don't have a clue. I guess I just became attached to OW and one thing led to another. It was as if I were living two seperate lives. OW was very very attractive and she wanted to play. She had been married almost 30 years or so and was RIPE for adventure (I guess) and so was I (I guess). We never planned for everything to happen, it just did. We were friends first and foremost and become lovers secondly. It was somehow just a natural next step. I don't dislike my wife at all and never did. I never said anything but good stuff about her when I was talking with OW, but OW always said bad stuff about her H. OW knew fully well that I had no plan of ever leaving my wife and she was ok with it. I think she was in it just for fun and because she had a REAL NEED because of everything she was going through. Apparently I had some REAL NEED too besides just the physical because it was mostly an emotional thing really. I guess that is what was lacking with my wife.
VinaAmez Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Yeah, but that'll have to wait until all the rest of the kids are grown. U talking about divorce?
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 FH, I'm afraid I don't understand you either. My marriage is terrible, just a shell of a relationship. I know exactly why the A happened. I don't understand how your spouse can be all of these good things and you still cheated on her. The only thing I can think is you are carrying some resentment still from her A and she's emotionally distant because of it, maybe because she never forgave herself. It's more complicated than that. I became involved with a bunch of people and became very good friends with them. My wife was not a part of that social circle and didn't care to be and in fact couldn't be. That was what led to my association with OW. I never saw it as if I was cheating on my wife as stupid as that sounds. I saw it more as if I were helping OW. My wife KNEW what I was involved in. She just never knew the extent I eventually got involved with the OW. It is in this manner that I was somehow able to live somewhat of a double life yet not really all at the same time. LOL, I'm sure I must be confusing the crap out of you!!!!!!! Look: My W knew I was involved with a bunch of people on the internet. She knew I was talking on the phone with most of them too. So it never felt as if I was doing anything wrong. SHE KNEW! But OW lived pretty close to me and I began visiting her. That my wife didn't know about. But I suppose I justified it all in my mind because I was in fact helping her with a REAL problem. The contact was not sexual at first but it ended up becoming that. By the time it became that I guess I had somehow learned to seperate the reality's from each other. Damned if I know how I was able to do it but I did somehow. I never disliked my wife all throughout any of this. It was as if she simply was not involved. I haven't talked to OW for nearly a month now and it is only in this past month that I am noticing just how far away I had grown (but noticing how much nearer I am nowadays). And my wife is very happy that I am never on the phone anymore like I used to be when I am here. She knows that whatever I was involved in is now over and she never asks what I was really into and seems just to be happy that it is over.
Tomcat33 Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I didn't cheat "on her", I had a THING with an OW. My wife had nothing to do with that. I never felt like I was doing anything to her at all (though I was).I never saw it as a betrayal until later. I don't think I was selfish at all. If I was then I wouldn't have tried to help ow at all. It was hardly selfishness that got me involved with all that. you didn't cheat on her? ooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkk FH! Is is just me or do you seem to be digging your denial pit deeper and deeper as the days go on? Are you hoping to jump into the pit yourself, that's why you are digging so deep? I suppose you didn't lie to your W either, I know I know you just "held back on some truths". Excuse me but if you wanted to "help" the other woman you really didn't need to poke her to "help her", making her life more complicated by turning her already crazy H even more against her. Not to mention that if it was help that you were after then you certainly did not need to betray YOUR WIFE the person you keep assuring as is so splending and that you care so much about, in order to help out another human being. Lastly every in a lot of your posts you keep focusing on OW's looks yet you counter that by saying your A fair was mostly emotional, yet I don't see you make any reference to any emotional stuff at ALL, but you do as I said before make a lot of focus on how good looking she was. OW was very very attractive and she wanted to play. She had been married almost 30 years or so and was RIPE for adventure (I guess) and so was I (I guess). We never planned for everything to happen, it just did. We were friends first and foremost and become lovers secondly. It was somehow just a natural next step. I don't dislike my wife at all and never did. I never said anything but good stuff about her when I was talking with OW, but OW always said bad stuff about her H. OW knew fully well that I had no plan of ever leaving my wife and she was ok with it. I think she was in it just for fun and because she had a REAL NEED because of everything she was going through. Apparently I had some REAL NEED too besides just the physical because it was mostly an emotional thing really. I guess that is what was lacking with my wife. If it was SO emotional why do you keep reminding us she was so attractive? I don't think YOU have even accepted yet in your own head that you had an AFFAIR, that's how much denial I see. The more I read the more I am convinced of my first thought from the very first post I read on this thread, and that is, the cheating was due to sexual boredom, nothing more nothing less.
Tomcat33 Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Look: My W knew I was involved with a bunch of people on the internet. She knew I was talking on the phone with most of them too. So it never felt as if I was doing anything wrong. SHE KNEW! But OW lived pretty close to me and I began visiting her. That my wife didn't know about. But I suppose I justified it all in my mind because I was in fact helping her with a REAL problem. The contact was not sexual at first but it ended up becoming that. By the time it became that I guess I had somehow learned to seperate the reality's from each other. Damned if I know how I was able to do it but I did somehow. I never disliked my wife all throughout any of this. It was as if she simply was not involved. . Again, your W knew OF your involvement with the group as a platonic involvement she did not know you were getting emotionally close to one of the women and developing a romatic interest in her, this lead you to the full ON A. So NO your wife did NOT know about your EMOTIONAL AFFAIR which led to a full on AFFAIR. And this is where I think you are completely in denial and why you managed to justify this to yourself. Emotional affairs happen when you start to develop feelings other than platonic ones for another person, when your desires turn to attraction on a more sexual leve on a more romantic level is when you are no longer acting from a place of offering help you are now driven by desire and LUST. The moment you started to omit certain parts of your relationship with this other woman is the moment your AFFAIR began. You cheated your W in every sense of the word.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 My guess is HE never forgave her, hence all the justifications for having the affair, and the reason she has been so distance is maybe because SHE got used to being distanced from him because all this time has passed but though he stayed with her he couldn't forgive her. The way he refers to it all the time like "oh well it's done now time to move on, glad it's over" it sounds like it should read more "ok I settled my score now we can resume our lives" Sorry but that's what it looks like from this end... I somehow never saw it as having an affair (what I did). I really haven't been distant from her all these years. Our personalities are just completely different. I'm the sort of person who cracks jokes about everything and likes/needs to be close to people and have them smiling. She is often way too distant to give a damn about what I am into. She's more involved with the kids and then gets all moody and all that and can't tolerate the way I like to be so I just play around with the kids and stuff. But when her mood changes she is GREAT company in many different ways. I'm used to her, she's used to me. I make all the money and she's a SAHM and often I am just like the bank to her. She never says a kind word unless she wants money. I'm used to that. She wouldn't admit to that but that is often how I feel and have told her that b4. So we really do live totally seperate lives in many ways but come together every now and then if you see what I'm saying. We aren't all that close at all, yet we peacefully co-exist pretty well. We are just COZY with how everything is. That's the way it works. I really didn't (somehow?) feel like I was cheating on her. It was as if the place where OW touched me was unoccupied. Do you see what I mean? Believe me, I have no hard feelings about her silly little bs that happened with that guy 15 years ago. I really don't. I know how my wife is and how she was then and that older guy was simply able to wear her down and touch her emotionally right were she needed to be touched and she was powerless to stop it. I know all that and have long ago come to terms with it or I would have left. Initially it was because of our two young daughters that I stayed but I soon got over the whole damned thing and totally forgave her (and changed what was MY PART in causing her to feel needy). Our relationship often ebbs and flows. Sometimes we're pretty close and sometimes we're pretty distant. It runs in cycles like that.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 Favorite, did your wife ever explain why she cheated on you? She didn't have to. besides, she didn't know why herself. I could see why though.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 U talking about divorce? No, I'm talking about trying to REALLY get close to her again. I don't want to divorce her. I have never wanted that.
VinaAmez Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I somehow never saw it as having an affair (what I did). I really haven't been distant from her all these years. Our personalities are just completely different. I'm the sort of person who cracks jokes about everything and likes/needs to be close to people and have them smiling. She is often way too distant to give a damn about what I am into. She's more involved with the kids and then gets all moody and all that and can't tolerate the way I like to be so I just play around with the kids and stuff. But when her mood changes she is GREAT company in many different ways. I'm used to her, she's used to me. I make all the money and she's a SAHM and often I am just like the bank to her. She never says a kind word unless she wants money. I'm used to that. She wouldn't admit to that but that is often how I feel and have told her that b4. So we really do live totally seperate lives in many ways but come together every now and then if you see what I'm saying. We aren't all that close at all, yet we peacefully co-exist pretty well. We are just COZY with how everything is. That's the way it works. I really didn't (somehow?) feel like I was cheating on her. It was as if the place where OW touched me was unoccupied. Do you see what I mean? Believe me, I have no hard feelings about her silly little bs that happened with that guy 15 years ago. I really don't. I know how my wife is and how she was then and that older guy was simply able to wear her down and touch her emotionally right were she needed to be touched and she was powerless to stop it. I know all that and have long ago come to terms with it or I would have left. Initially it was because of our two young daughters that I stayed but I soon got over the whole damned thing and totally forgave her (and changed what was MY PART in causing her to feel needy). Our relationship often ebbs and flows. Sometimes we're pretty close and sometimes we're pretty distant. It runs in cycles like that. That sounds pretty crappy FH. She never says a kind word unless she wants money. And you just give in and give it to her don't you? Your not her ATM.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 you didn't cheat on her? ooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkk FH! Is is just me or do you seem to be digging your denial pit deeper and deeper as the days go on? Are you hoping to jump into the pit yourself, that's why you are digging so deep? I suppose you didn't lie to your W either, I know I know you just "held back on some truths". Excuse me but if you wanted to "help" the other woman you really didn't need to poke her to "help her", making her life more complicated by turning her already crazy H even more against her. Not to mention that if it was help that you were after then you certainly did not need to betray YOUR WIFE the person you keep assuring as is so splending and that you care so much about, in order to help out another human being. Lastly every in a lot of your posts you keep focusing on OW's looks yet you counter that by saying your A fair was mostly emotional, yet I don't see you make any reference to any emotional stuff at ALL, but you do as I said before make a lot of focus on how good looking she was. If it was SO emotional why do you keep reminding us she was so attractive? I don't think YOU have even accepted yet in your own head that you had an AFFAIR, that's how much denial I see. The more I read the more I am convinced of my first thought from the very first post I read on this thread, and that is, the cheating was due to sexual boredom, nothing more nothing less. I was saying that the WAY I LOOKED AT THINGS I wasn't "cheating" on her. That really was how I saw it during that time though I know I was just fooling myself. To this day I know what I did was wrong but I can't say that I totally regret having done so. It was as if I HAD TO do what I did. I don't expect you to understand that at all.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 That sounds pretty crappy FH. And you just give in and give it to her don't you? Your not her ATM. What choice do I have? She takes care of the kids and she needs all sorts of stuff. I don't mind paying for my family! But she's going to get herself a job next year when the youngest starts school. I can guarantee you that much! I'm sick and tired of being the freakin' bank! I just am.
VinaAmez Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 No, I'm talking about trying to REALLY get close to her again. I don't want to divorce her. I have never wanted that. Yes but will she want to do the same. She sounds like she's just gone her own way.
Tomcat33 Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Ok well that's a fair assesment of how you see your situation. I see a huge does of feeling unapreciated is what is going on in the relationship. On the one token though you say you are just not close at all on the other hand you say that your rel. ebs and flows, the latter is a common interpretation of what happens in 99.9% of rels. the ebs and flows. But to say that you just not emotionally close seem pretty black and white to me. But I do see what you are saying. So again why would you not want to get the most out of your rel. given that you do still love her and care for her as much as you do, why would you hold back from making it THAT much better than it is now? So let me see if I understand everything you are saying, with this OW you felt a deep emotional connection that you do not feel with your W for the most part yet you prefer the coziness of having no connection over the pleasure of having a connection? That's what I find really confusing !?!?
VinaAmez Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 What choice do I have? She takes care of the kids and she needs all sorts of stuff. I don't mind paying for my family! But she's going to get herself a job next year when the youngest starts school. I can guarantee you that much! I'm sick and tired of being the freakin' bank! I just am. I bet you are. I understand taking care of the family but if she's just using you for her own personal s**t that's stupid and you should stop that. Sure once in a while but not excessive. I would suggest that after she gets a job you stop being the bank. She'll have a job so she can pitch in too.
Tomcat33 Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I was saying that the WAY I LOOKED AT THINGS I wasn't "cheating" on her. That really was how I saw it during that time though I know I was just fooling myself. To this day I know what I did was wrong but I can't say that I totally regret having done so. It was as if I HAD TO do what I did. I don't expect you to understand that at all. Au contraire mon fraire, I can TOTALLY understand that. Sometimes we need to test out the "greener"pastures to realise the grass is pretty darn green right where we are standing. I don't know about you but for me the validity in life's lessons is not in whether we can recognize the "right from wrong" I think we all know that going into every situation contrary to where our head is at when we enter said situation, but it's more to see what we can learn from it and how we will apply it in order to grow. I think that if you DID learn something from all of this it is wasted energy to have gone through something like that if you are not going to do ANYTHING to apply your new found knowledge to favour your life. Right and wrong is irrelevant in the big picture, it's what we do from it that counts.
Tomcat33 Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I bet you are. I understand taking care of the family but if she's just using you for her own personal s**t that's stupid and you should stop that. Sure once in a while but not excessive. I would suggest that after she gets a job you stop being the bank. She'll have a job so she can pitch in too. I'll hazzard to guess it is LESS about her getting a job and earning her own money, or even that FH put out less money, and more about simply being appreciated for his hard work. When you come to EXPECT certain things out of your partner it is no longer seen as a gift from them to you and appreciation goes right out the window. And that can be applied both ways and to ALL the things our partners do for us that are taken for granted daily.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 Yes but will she want to do the same. She sounds like she's just gone her own way. I don't know......I don't think she has really "gone her own way" or anything.....she's just comfortable with the way things are and she honestly sees nothing wrong with anything. She can only "GIVE" of herself just so much, see what I mean? She does what she can but can't seem to meet anyone on a very personal level.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 Au contraire mon fraire, I can TOTALLY understand that. Sometimes we need to test out the "greener"pastures to realise the grass is pretty darn green right where we are standing. I don't know about you but for me the validity in life's lessons is not in whether we can recognize the "right from wrong" I think we all know that going into every situation contrary to where our head is at when we enter said situation, but it's more to see what we can learn from it and how we will apply it in order to grow. I think that if you DID learn something from all of this it is wasted energy to have gone through something like that if you are not going to do ANYTHING to apply your new found knowledge to favour your life. Right and wrong is irrelevant in the big picture, it's what we do from it that counts. Yeah well I guess I learned that things are more broken than I thought and I had better be freakin' careful.
Tomcat33 Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I don't know......I don't think she has really "gone her own way" or anything.....she's just comfortable with the way things are and she honestly sees nothing wrong with anything. She can only "GIVE" of herself just so much, see what I mean? She does what she can but can't seem to meet anyone on a very personal level. So what do you love about her so much? Or is this "love" you describe to have for her coziness for you too?
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 I bet you are. I understand taking care of the family but if she's just using you for her own personal s**t that's stupid and you should stop that. Sure once in a while but not excessive. I would suggest that after she gets a job you stop being the bank. She'll have a job so she can pitch in too. It's really not that she wants to get her personal "crap" all that much, she isn't like that really, she just thinks that I tend a freakin' money tree for a living that there is ALWAYS PLENTY. She has no clue what I really have to go through to make what I make but I understand that. I wouldn't take her s-h-i-t at all if she was just after money for her little crap. Yeah we'll see what happens when the youngest goes to school full time...
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