Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 As long as you can justify it to yourself then all is well after all, you have noone else to answer to. You did what you thought was right, you have no regrets, YOU know yourself, and if there are consequences then the people who are affected by your actions can deal with them themselves when/if the time comes. Maybe we should all be a lot more like you! Geez some people spend big bucks on antidepressants just to get where you are naturally. More power to ya dude! Thanks (I think?). Look, I'm not at all PROUD of what I did. I feel ashamed. But I knew what I was doing and have nobody but me to blame when it comes right down to it. What me and OW did was a completely mutual thing and we did what we needed to do at the time. I can't say I wouldn't do it again if everything was rewinded and I was in the exact same situation again (with her). I'm GUILTY AS CHARGED and throw myself on the mercy of the court (whatever that is for me at this time). I DID have an EA! I DID! And I can see why I did! But the way I see it it was more a thing of mutual compassion than it was anything else! It wasn't about sex or lust or anything like that. I HATE that I betrayed my marriage. I REALLY do! I am not proud of that fact! But at the same time I can't say that what happened between me and OW was not necessary in certain ways! It was bound to happen and anybody could see that if they understood all the circumstances. It's showing me that we are NOT always masters of our own destiny and that certain forces are STRONGER and BIGGER than we are. I do not regret the compassion I showed towards OW at all. She got what she needed from me. I just regret that I betrayed my wife while doing so. Somehow I juggle the two things side by side. I feel as if I did what I had to and am paying a price for it but not doing what I did would have been worse in a way. It's a lose-lose situation, a catch-22. When you step back and look at the entire picture (not just a piece at a time) it is understandable. But of course all you guys do not see the entire picture and judge things by your past experiences. I understand that.
serial muse Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Eventhough I KNOW I'll get BLASTED by some for saying this (and they'll read all sorts of stuff into this), Yes she has always been distant and see's the kids as her primary role. But I have been ok with that all these years, I just accepted it and actually was happy in a way that she did take that responsibility very seriously. But it has obviously left some sort of hole or vulnerability in me that I never really realized b4. Well, I REALIZE IT NOW! Had my marriage been as close and as good as it should've/could've been I'm sure this would have never happened with the OW. I am not blaming my wife for anything, I'm just calling it as I see it. OBVIOUSLY something was wrong or I wouldn't have strayed. And in large part it is my fault. But that's not to say that certan things didn't nudge me. I can understand how this would be frustrating, but I still do not see any evidence that you've gotten very far inside your wife's head. She had an affair, too - that wasn't about the kids, that was about her. Why aren't you guys talking to each other about your unmet needs, instead of seeking them outside?? It seems like this has been going on your entire marriage, and it's high time you spent some time together, figuring out what you're both lacking. I guarantee she feels something missing too, and has given up expecting it back. That's not to say you're more to blame or she is, but simply that you're making assumptions about her and she's probably making them about you, and they're both wrong. Why not actually have a real heart to heart about it, or at least consider counseling together to figure out why you can't communicate with each other about something so clearly important to you??
Meaplus3 Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 I think I have to agree with you. I have never had other female friends besides my wife until this past year and I see what became of it. I wasn't prepared for what happened and I fell into it way too easily. The same thing happened to OW. We F'd up bigtime. We F'd up bigtime. Those four word's in bold are exactly how I feel about what happened with mm neighbor! Only I was the one that got hurt like H***. FH, I have been very drawn to your' post's, as I can relate about how much you realize your ea was a mistake. AP:)
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 No offense taken, there is something to be said for old fashioned values...especially given the moral decay of our current society. I appreciate your need for confidentiality in your situation and the fact that you want to avoid getting into specific details for your own personal reasons but can you understand that given what you HAVE given us to work with it is not that much so we ARE basing our thoughts on what we have infront of us. You don't have to give specifics and you could still tell us a little more in a round about way....but only if you feel comfortable...I think you can benefit from our thoughts if we have a better understanding of your sit. is. As it appears it looks like you were just trying to make friends online with people. I have a feeling that what you are not tell us is that these forums you were a part of were some sort of support group for something like a disease eg. cancer support group, or a disorder for a child, or a personal disability whatever it may be a support group of sorts which is why you don't want to go into specifics and I personally totally respect that. Let me know if I am even remotely close or completely off base? Yes you are very close. We met on one of those groups and found ourselves relating on a very deep level. Her husband not only did not understand the hell she was going through but he also belittled her and psychologically tormented her through it all. He is a total bastard. He even moved out and left her in the middle of it! Our connection was very real and very very deep. I understood her COMPLETELY and I helped her very much. She will be forever grateful (she said). This is why I do not regret what happened all that much. I did what I felt I had to do. It would have been WORSE had I just let her drown if you see what I mean by that. Neither of us had a clue what would eventually happen and how involved we would get. IT JUST HAPPENED. It was never about sex or anything like that. But that relationship naturally followed and it was beautiful in a very meaningful way. I loved her. Do you understand that? She was not a cheap thing or some ass-hole's doormat and he should have never treated her like that! If that bastard is stupid enough to come over here I swear to god that I am more within my rights to kick his frichen' ass all over the place than he would be! I couldn't just let her face his stupid crap alone. She knows where I am and how to reach me anytime. She knows that if he gets out of line how to contact me. And she knows what I'll do. She knows me very very well. So you see, on the one hand I do NOT feel bad about any of what I have done. But on the other hand, I did betray my marriage and I am sick about that too. Yet, all in all, I really feel like I did the right thing. I'll take whatever the hell I have coming and I'll consider it justified. I did what I had to and anybody that can't understand it after they know all the facts can think whatever the hell they want to. That's their problem. I am at relative PEACE about it all but am still sorting through it. That poor woman deserves a LOT better than she has! He had no right treating her like he did and does. I'll tell you what, what I did was not FULLY right, but it was a lot 'righter' than what that jerk-off is doing.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 We F'd up bigtime. Those four word's in bold are exactly how I feel about what happened with mm neighbor! Only I was the one that got hurt like H***. FH, I have been very drawn to your' post's, as I can relate about how much you realize your ea was a mistake. AP:) Then maybe you can also understand that it wasn't all a fully bad experience (not in my situation anyway). I am sorry for what I did yet I can clearly understand why it happened. I don't feel all that guilty about it but it was still wrong. Had we NOT had sexual relations it would have been 100% JUSTIFIED! But we fell for each other. And that physical contact was the culmination of our emotional connection. It was completely natural. All things are additive: one thing leads to another. Everything was RIPE for what happened to happen.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 Sure' date=' babes. Anytime. I AIM to please. [/quote'] LOL! WooHooHooooooo!
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 Hey HEY HEY Stay away from MY man. You, you....other OW!!!! LMAO! You crack me up!!!!!!!!
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 I love stopping by the OM/OW forum in the morning and reading threads started by people that actually think this part of the forum is a safe place to discuss their affairs only to becomes victims of heaps of self righteous judgement. FH - Seriously, if you really want to talk about you affair this is the last place you should come to. You end up spending all your time trying to defend yourself. It's not worth the trouble. I've read your story and I can tell you that I think I actually understand what you are saying and how you feel. I don't think you are smug, you have just accepted that it happened and you (and you alone) know the reasons that it did and now you are moving on with your life. Lol, thanks for the kind words! I can take their criticism because I can see that they don't really understand. It doesn't matter really because I understand and so does the OW. I probably appear smug to some but I just don't believe in self mutilation or in punishing myself all that much. I have enough enemies (for some strange reason) and don't need to be my own. I tend to be a polarizing person for some reason; I either attract or repell, lol! Whatever. I am comfortable with myself much more often than not no matter what someone else might think or say. Thanks for stoppin' by!
Tomcat33 Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Yes you are very close. We met on one of those groups and found ourselves relating on a very deep level. Her husband not only did not understand the hell she was going through but he also belittled her and psychologically tormented her through it all. He is a total bastard. He even moved out and left her in the middle of it! Our connection was very real and very very deep. I understood her COMPLETELY and I helped her very much. She will be forever grateful (she said). This is why I do not regret what happened all that much. I did what I felt I had to do. It would have been WORSE had I just let her drown if you see what I mean by that. Neither of us had a clue what would eventually happen and how involved we would get. IT JUST HAPPENED. It was never about sex or anything like that. But that relationship naturally followed and it was beautiful in a very meaningful way. I loved her. Do you understand that? She was not a cheap thing or some ass-hole's doormat and he should have never treated her like that! If that bastard is stupid enough to come over here I swear to god that I am more within my rights to kick his frichen' ass all over the place than he would be! I couldn't just let her face his stupid crap alone. She knows where I am and how to reach me anytime. She knows that if he gets out of line how to contact me. And she knows what I'll do. She knows me very very well. So you see, on the one hand I do NOT feel bad about any of what I have done. But on the other hand, I did betray my marriage and I am sick about that too. Yet, all in all, I really feel like I did the right thing. I'll take whatever the hell I have coming and I'll consider it justified. I did what I had to and anybody that can't understand it after they know all the facts can think whatever the hell they want to. That's their problem. I am at relative PEACE about it all but am still sorting through it. That poor woman deserves a LOT better than she has! He had no right treating her like he did and does. I'll tell you what, what I did was not FULLY right, but it was a lot 'righter' than what that jerk-off is doing. Ok so I was close you met on a support group of sorts. Ok that's what I imagined...now my next question would be why was this something you could not turn to your W for support on,is it something she has? As to the second part of your post that you did what you had to, I still don't really see what you "had" to do? You mean you had to have and A? Sorry for missing the point but what I see from my end are two people who came together through a cause of support for a particular issue. What I also see is that this is bound to happen when two people bond over the same life trials. I'm sure you have read of many couples that meet at AA meetings or in rehab, or at the hospital or even in a mental institution, point being a pairing like this is quite common when two people bond over a crisis situation that they both share and can understand one another in a deep way. Now when this happens to two married people that's a different story. You can bond all you want over the shared issues but you still have your #1 obligation to your respective partners. Forgive me though I still have difficulty seeing how an affair is what HAD to happen given your following statement: This is why I do not regret what happened all that much. I did what I felt I had to do. It would have been WORSE had I just let her drown if you see what I mean by that I just don't see how having an affair is what you "had" to do. Or did I misunderstand your statement? Can you please explain what it is that you feel you "had" to do?
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 Well you should not get blasted for that, being a good monther should not come between being a good W/partner. I think sometimes it's easy to slip into the the strictly mother role for women, and for men the "bread winner" role and forget that they also have a duty to their mates. One should not really take away from the other but they often do. Not having this balance can and will destroy a rel. but what seems to be the real destruction is how even when two people see the rel. sliding into the danger zone neither has the energy or will to pull the reigns back and say, "wait a minute something is seriously wrong here and we need to act on it or make some serious decisions..." It's easier just to coast and accept than it is to confront and fix. And then the shocker of a lifetime happens "I fell in love with someone else" and I wasn't even looking for it. Well you may not have been looking for it but your full attention devotion and focus was no longer on your mate, and this is why it happens. WOW, you are 100% correct about all of that! You're very perceptive and none of it is BULL SH__. That is exactly the reason. So what happens when the parties do not wish to repair what they see is broken? Yepper.......that's right. Welcome to life! Welcome to the human race! And here we are.
Tomcat33 Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 WOW, you are 100% correct about all of that! You're very perceptive and none of it is BULL SH__. That is exactly the reason. So what happens when the parties do not wish to repair what they see is broken? Yepper.......that's right. Welcome to life! Welcome to the human race! And here we are. thanks. What happens when two people don't wish to repair what they see broken or only one person wishes to do so? I believe it's at that time said people need to sit down and decide what they need to be happy, is it going to be staying in a broken marriage paying a blind eye to the white elephant in the room and going on with their lives outside of the home but keeping up with appearances or is it going to be we part company for the good our children for the good of ourselves and the ONE life we were blessed to live. This isn't dress rehearsal for the real life, this is it, it's the real deal. Why don't you talk to your W FH (not tell her about the A) let her know how you feel let her know what you are missing see if you can reconnect again. It's worth a try to rediscover one another isn't it? Or is there no attraction at all? But most improtantly as someone else stated earlier you must be ready to face your own flaws that also contributed to the breakdown.
TogetherForever Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 LMAO! You crack me up!!!!!!!! Ok FH, Now I see who your favorite is.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 Ok FH, Now I see who your favorite is. No, no nooooo! It's not fair! Why can't I have more than one favorite? WHY????????????
TogetherForever Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 No, no nooooo! It's not fair! Why can't I have more than one favorite? WHY???????????? Ok. So, you (the mm), me (the ow) & NoIDidn't (the BS).:eek:Eek.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 Ok so I was close you met on a support group of sorts. Ok that's what I imagined...now my next question would be why was this something you could not turn to your W for support on,is it something she has? As to the second part of your post that you did what you had to, I still don't really see what you "had" to do? You mean you had to have and A? Sorry for missing the point but what I see from my end are two people who came together through a cause of support for a particular issue. What I also see is that this is bound to happen when two people bond over the same life trials. I'm sure you have read of many couples that meet at AA meetings or in rehab, or at the hospital or even in a mental institution, point being a pairing like this is quite common when two people bond over a crisis situation that they both share and can understand one another in a deep way. Now when this happens to two married people that's a different story. You can bond all you want over the shared issues but you still have your #1 obligation to your respective partners. Forgive me though I still have difficulty seeing how an affair is what HAD to happen given your following statement: This is why I do not regret what happened all that much. I did what I felt I had to do. It would have been WORSE had I just let her drown if you see what I mean by that I just don't see how having an affair is what you "had" to do. Or did I misunderstand your statement? Can you please explain what it is that you feel you "had" to do? The affair shouldn't have happened but looking back it was bound to happen. The support I gave her I felt I had to. It would have been worse to just let her suffer on her own. I have ZERO regrets about trying to help her (and in fact HELPING her). I did not see where it was all leading and neither did she. We didn't understand the dynamics and what was culminating underneath it all. But I made her laugh a lot and relax about stuff and to be happy to just be ALIVE again (she said). Add to that the fact that she is incredibly beautiful and it was all over b4 it began. When I first started talking with her I had no idea what she looked like and could have cared less. There was no real attraction in that way and I never even thought about that. All that was beside the point of why we were talking. Then when I saw her and she saw me we were hooked. I am not lying when I say she is incredibly beautiful and how much we hit it off. We felt like we had known each other forever and could do anything around each other. She used to say that she never met anyone like me before and just thought I was great in all ways and she knew a lot of people. She said that she never felt as comfortable with her husband and he never listen to anything she had to say in 25 years as much as I did in a few months. She fell in love with me and I did with her. Me and her could be happy and compliment each others personalities easily for the rest of our lives. We hit it off that well. I would have never imagined in a million yrs that I would ever meet anyone like her. It became MUCH MORE than just a support thing. After we met it was like none of that even mattered anymore to either of us. BUT......it was not in the end a healthy thing to get involved in for either of us. It was a good distraction but in the end it was not good. I used to tell her all the time that I loved my wife and that I wasn't about to leave her. I would tell her that we might as well not keep seeing each other because of that but she said she was strangely ok with it all though she never thought she would be. She said she didn't mind even risking her marriage to keep seeing me because I meant that much to her and had no idea how much I had helped her and that she doesn't know what she would have done without me. She fell in love with me and I with her and that ended up becoming sexual and it was great. I don't doubt that if she gets divorced that she would continue seeing me like we used to but I am trying hard not to let that happen because it cannot go on like it was. She is currently trying to mend things with her marriage to be able say that she really tried. She is an honorable woman by all accounts. She really is. But I have heard through a mutual friend that she seems to be really getting stronger concerning her H and if he doesn't snap out of his narcisism and his abuse mode then it's over. I wish her all the best regarding all of that and I have told her before we called it off NOT to do anything because of me or for me because unlike her I do love my spouse and my marriage is definitely salvagable. She is a fantastic woman and an incredibly attractive woman and would have absolutely NO PROBLEM getting whoever she would want. Her husband is a control freak and an ass-hole but I think his days are numbered. She is willing to still try but there's only so much she can still take. The fact that she is still willing to make her sucky marriage work says a LOT about her! You really have no concept of what a jerk her H is. If nothing else I atleast gave her a comparison as to what he is like, ya know? She see's how different a guy can be compared to him. I did not set out to try to do anything like that but that is part of what she ended up seeing. I'll miss her and always remember her and maybe even talk to her again but god willing that is all it will ever amount to in the future. I love her but it cannot continue in the future. It just can't.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 Ok. So, you (the mm), me (the ow) & NoIDidn't (the BS).:eek:Eek. That'll work. What other option do we have?
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 I have to get ready now because I am going to a Rock concert tonight with my two daughters and their boyfriends. Hell yeah, lol! Actually they are going with ME. It was my idea and I was going to go see them anyway and they said they wanted to go so I bought them all tickets (at $100 each). I AM PSYCHED! We're seeing the Rock band RUSH. I first saw them in 1976! I last saw them in 2004. My wife is staying home with our two young sons and quite frankly wouldn't have enjoyed the concert anyway. I'm glad my girls and their loser bf's (LOLOLOL!) are coming. You guys have a great evening and keep on keeping on. I'll check back in here when we get home I guess or maybe tomorrow a.m. PEACE!!!!!!
TogetherForever Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 I have to get ready now because I am going to a Rock concert tonight with my two daughters and their boyfriends. Hell yeah, lol! Actually they are going with ME. It was my idea and I was going to go see them anyway and they said they wanted to go so I bought them all tickets (at $100 each). I AM PSYCHED! We're seeing the Rock band RUSH. I first saw them in 1976! I last saw them in 2004. My wife is staying home with our two young sons and quite frankly wouldn't have enjoyed the concert anyway. I'm glad my girls and their loser bf's (LOLOLOL!) are coming. You guys have a great evening and keep on keeping on. I'll check back in here when we get home I guess or maybe tomorrow a.m. PEACE!!!!!! ROCK ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF!!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT TIME & BE SAFE. (WE NEED A HEAD-BANGIN' SMILEY IN HERE)
lovely01 Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 yes i have twin girls 5 years old and one on the way a boy due in october.not all the people on here bash lol there are some are really helpful and listen . its helpful to be able to talk it helps sort things out to have someone to listen when it hurts. how old are your children?are you hopeing for a reconnection on your vacation? have fun at the concrt it sounds like fun
scaredinlove Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 I don't? And you know this how? Why is it that all of you OW seem to try to take everything out on just any guy? I think shrinks have a term for that crap. I still think you don't care for either woman......
scaredinlove Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 To be really honest with you.Your story dosen't even sound very truth for I all know it sounds like you made it up.I might be wrong but that It dosen't seem very truthfull for me.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 I still think you don't care for either woman...... I'm sorry you're stuck like that. Try harder (if u want).
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 To be really honest with you.Your story dosen't even sound very truth for I all know it sounds like you made it up.I might be wrong but that It dosen't seem very truthfull for me. I'm sorry but I can't do a damned thing about what seems truthful to anyone.
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 I just got back from the RUSH concert and it was AWESOME! My freakin' HEAD is still ringing! I took a bunch of digi pix. It was a GREAT time!
Author FavoriteHeadache Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 ROCK ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF!!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT TIME & BE SAFE. (WE NEED A HEAD-BANGIN' SMILEY IN HERE) IT WAS AWESOME! (we need tons more smilies).
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