Why Would I Tell???

[Meaplus3]

This guy just couldn't care less really...he's a selfish cake eater, full stop. If he wanted to help the OW he would NEVER have started something sexual with her when she is this low and vulnerable - she needed a friend - nothing else. His wife sounds lovely - a really wonderful mother to their kids and the sex life is still good, etc - unfortunately, however, she is not psychic so can't know when he is feeling 'taken for granted', and due to lack of said psychic ability, can't put time into fixing the 'problem' (which sounds like a middle aged man being bored...nothing more). Jeez man, speak up if you want things to change and put some effort into fixing this situation.

 

He also left the OW in a much worse situation, with all hell kicking off in her house, but he just finds ways of justifying it - anything to avoid taking responsibility. But hey, he had his fun....if he cared that much, he'd never leave her to face this crap alone.

 

Of course his wife isn't going to care that he speaks with other women, because she thinks he just has friendships with them, and is respecting his friendships and life independent to her. If she knew he was having sex with one of them then, believe me, things would change very quick. The poor woman would be heartbroken.

 

Grow a pair and tell your wife for God's sake - at least tell her there are problems in your marriage and fix them together. You're so selfish.

 

Of course his wife isn't going to care that he speaks with other women, because she thinks he just has friendships with them, and is respecting his friendships and life independent to her. If she knew he was having sex with one of them then, believe me, things would change very quick. The poor woman would be heartbroken.

 

Torrance, I think what you said here about the female frined's is very true! The mm I had an ea with has many female friend's and I'm very sure the wife is aware of them. Doe's his wife know what really takes place in these friendship's NO I don't think so. I think for the mm that I was involoved with, this is his way of continuing to "play" woman and probably has been going on thoughout his marriage, just a strong feeling that I have. FH, I am pleased to hear that you have the courage to admit you have issues within your marriage, I respect that alot. The mm I came to know can't even admit that his marriage clearly lack's something and it's rather sickning.

 

AP:)

[FavoriteHeadache]

Oh' date=' you are QUITE welcome. Was it as good for you?[/quote']

 

It sure was sweetie and then some.

LMAO!

[FavoriteHeadache]

Sorry but you don't care for eithr woman. You don't love neither one. If your connection with the OW was so great you wouldn't be so cool about it after only 3 weeks and you would be worring about her.

 

My MM maybe a weak man but he was extremely worries about me when my H found out and although at that time we I decided to stop communicating he called me back after only 48 hrs to see if I was OK.You are like whatever her H is abusive but i don't even care she has no impact on me after THREE WEEKS????????????????some connection.

 

I cheated on my H too and I felt guilty because a cared even though he was and is a really jerk.

 

Maybe your wife takes you for granted because you are too cold.....

 

 

I don't? And you know this how? Why is it that all of you OW seem to try to take everything out on just any guy? I think shrinks have a term for that crap.

[TogetherForever]

I don't? And you know this how? Why is it that all of you OW seem to try to take everything out on just any guy? I think shrinks have a term for that crap.

 

Hey, I'm not one of those OW that take everything out on just any guy;).

[FavoriteHeadache]

This guy just couldn't care less really...he's a selfish cake eater, full stop. If he wanted to help the OW he would NEVER have started something sexual with her when she is this low and vulnerable - she needed a friend - nothing else. His wife sounds lovely - a really wonderful mother to their kids and the sex life is still good, etc - unfortunately, however, she is not psychic so can't know when he is feeling 'taken for granted', and due to lack of said psychic ability, can't put time into fixing the 'problem' (which sounds like a middle aged man being bored...nothing more). Jeez man, speak up if you want things to change and put some effort into fixing this situation.

 

He also left the OW in a much worse situation, with all hell kicking off in her house, but he just finds ways of justifying it - anything to avoid taking responsibility. But hey, he had his fun....if he cared that much, he'd never leave her to face this crap alone.

 

Of course his wife isn't going to care that he speaks with other women, because she thinks he just has friendships with them, and is respecting his friendships and life independent to her. If she knew he was having sex with one of them then, believe me, things would change very quick. The poor woman would be heartbroken.

 

Grow a pair and tell your wife for God's sake - at least tell her there are problems in your marriage and fix them together. You're so selfish.

 

OMG! You have made my morning already! I'm lmao! It never ceases to amaze me how some people can somehow get an idea or a thought in their mind and swear that they know everything! You don't know a freakin' thing about a freakin' thing and yet you sit and spew forth your judgement? LOL....

You don't even have your facts straight! It's like you're taking out all your frustrations you have with someone else on me.

Lol.....I don't mind really if it somehow helps you but don't go thinking that you are actually right or anything because that could be dangerous for you and lead to further delusional thinking.

 

Maybe I haven't done a very good job explaining all of this. I have left out big parts of the entire thing. But I'm aware now that I have stumbled into a place that is slam FULL of OW and all you all seem to already have preconceived ideas about everything.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Hey, I'm not one of those OW that take everything out on just any guy;).

 

JUST BELIEVE AND NEVER QUESTION!!!!!

LOLOLOL!!!!!

[Tomcat33]

Call me old fashioned but when a person who is already in a committed relationship goes out looking for "friends" of the opposite sex or meets friends of the opposite sex which they met online and established said rel. with them online, they are asking for trouble.

 

You need advice, you need a good shoulder to cry on are just an ear to listen? that's what your close friends and family are for, if there are things you cannot talk to your mate about. If you don't have close friends and family that's what counselors and psychotherapists are for. You just don't confide your problems in a stranger you meet online.

 

 

Am I the only one that sees something severely wrong with this picture or what?

 

FH you sound like an intelligent man, you mean to tell me this didn't occur to you pre-affair? It's a very simple recipe for disaster.

Now if you had been looking to get out of your marriage then I can see what would lead you down this path. Some people need and exit relationship to help them transition out of a defunct rel. but that doesn't sound like your case.

[TogetherForever]

JUST BELIEVE AND NEVER QUESTION!!!!!

LOLOLOL!!!!!

 

It works for me!!

[Sheba]

What seems to me unsavoury about this thread is that the original poster seems smug.

 

FavoriteHeadache, you don't have a conflict you are asking for help resolving, and I doubt that there is a lesson for anyone in your story nor do you seem to want to convey one. I believe you to simply want to tell "the world" about how you had an affair, it was fun, you aren't too worried about either woman involved and are planning on carrying on with your life.

[serial muse]

I agree with the hint of smugness, but I have to say, it almost feels like FH's in therapy here and is about to have a breakthrough. I mean, already in these last few pages he has acknowledged - albeit grudgingly - that he isn't actually happy with his marriage, and has made references to his wife that suggest a deep-seated anger (even as he's talking about how great she is at some stuff...there is clearly a lot of bitterness and frustration there). He has also referred to her affair 15 years ago, and has said several times that this wasn't payback...but that rings false. I think that maybe he just needs to hear himself more clearly, actually hear what he's saying and what he's not saying, and maybe he'll come to some revelations.

 

Get thee to therapy, FH. You have issues with your wife and you might as well confront them head-on rather than continue to be vaguely pissed off, right? Clearly, you didn't want your affair to end, and I wonder whether, if the OW had been willing, you might have considered leaving your wife? Now, instead, you're "resigning" yourself to a marriage you don't enjoy. How sad and pointless. Wake up and do something about it. Lay it on the line with your wife and see if you haven't been underestimating her all this time. I'd bet good money that you have. But it takes work on your part, too - and you'd have to focus on what you aren't bringing to the marriage as well. Are you brave enough to do that, and be honest with yourself and with her???

[Meaplus3]

Call me old fashioned but when a person who is already in a committed relationship goes out looking for "friends" of the opposite sex or meets friends of the opposite sex which they met online and established said rel. with them online, they are asking for trouble.

 

You need advice, you need a good shoulder to cry on are just an ear to listen? that's what your close friends and family are for, if there are things you cannot talk to your mate about. If you don't have close friends and family that's what counselors and psychotherapists are for. You just don't confide your problems in a stranger you meet online.

 

 

Am I the only one that sees something severely wrong with this picture or what?

 

FH you sound like an intelligent man, you mean to tell me this didn't occur to you pre-affair? It's a very simple recipe for disaster.

Now if you had been looking to get out of your marriage then I can see what would lead you down this path. Some people need and exit relationship to help them transition out of a defunct rel. but that doesn't sound like your case.

 

Call me old fashioned but when a person who is already in a committed relationship goes out looking for "friends" of the opposite sex or meets friends of the opposite sex which they met online and established said rel. with them online, they are asking for trouble.

 

Tom, I don't think you are old fashion about friendship's of the opposite sex, I think it should only be a norm in all marriage's that spouses should not have close friendship's of the opposite sex, what's to gain for the marriage? Nothing but trouble IMO. I honestly can say that in all the year's of my marriage and with the many trouble's I have had I never until MM had a friendship of any sort with another man. The friendship that I did develop with this mm started out with us all beign friend's. Allowing that freindship to lead into an ea was very easy and very wrong. In mm's case I firmly believe that he has had many ea's in the past and turn's them off with NC just before he know's he's headed into a sexual relationship. That's how I think he get's away with all that he does! Sorry, venting!

 

AP:)

[lovely01]

no my husband didint leave me. we are still together. hes been begging me to stay. i am 28 he is 30 and the bitch is 31 married with a 9 or 10 years old girl. excuse the laguage. i have one question has your wife always been distant and only thinks the kids are her only job?

[NoIDidn't]

It sure was sweetie and then some.

LMAO!

 

Sure, babes. Anytime. I AIM to please.

[NoIDidn't]

It works for me!!

 

Hey HEY HEY

 

Stay away from MY man. You, you....other OW!!!!

[frygirl]

I love stopping by the OM/OW forum in the morning and reading threads started by people that actually think this part of the forum is a safe place to discuss their affairs only to becomes victims of heaps of self righteous judgement.

 

FH - Seriously, if you really want to talk about you affair this is the last place you should come to. You end up spending all your time trying to defend yourself. It's not worth the trouble. I've read your story and I can tell you that I think I actually understand what you are saying and how you feel. I don't think you are smug, you have just accepted that it happened and you (and you alone) know the reasons that it did and now you are moving on with your life.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Call me old fashioned but when a person who is already in a committed relationship goes out looking for "friends" of the opposite sex or meets friends of the opposite sex which they met online and established said rel. with them online, they are asking for trouble.

 

You need advice, you need a good shoulder to cry on are just an ear to listen? that's what your close friends and family are for, if there are things you cannot talk to your mate about. If you don't have close friends and family that's what counselors and psychotherapists are for. You just don't confide your problems in a stranger you meet online.

 

 

Am I the only one that sees something severely wrong with this picture or what?

 

FH you sound like an intelligent man, you mean to tell me this didn't occur to you pre-affair? It's a very simple recipe for disaster.

Now if you had been looking to get out of your marriage then I can see what would lead you down this path. Some people need and exit relationship to help them transition out of a defunct rel. but that doesn't sound like your case.

 

Ok I'll call you old fashioned then.

Neither me or OW were looking for anything except help with our mutual problem. What ended up happening was totally unlooked for by either of us but it happened anyway.

I see that I'm going to have to spill all the beans as to what happened because you guys all seem to be misunderstanding things and I guess it's because I am not fully explaining it.

I started this thread because it was helpful to me to try to sort everything out but I'm seeing that it really isn't working very well (though it does sort help me regardless) and that's probably because I have left huge gaps in the story.

I'm going to have to tell more I guess and then see what you guys might say about it all.

I'm not looking for justification or anything like that, I'm just trying to sort all of this out.

 

I was never looking to get out of my marriage and neither was she. What led us together is what you don't really see and I'll try to explain all in a future post. This is what I meant previously by it wasn't a typical "A". Please give me a chance to explain and then you can tell me what you think if you want. Ok?

[FavoriteHeadache]

It works for me!!

 

You go girl!

[FavoriteHeadache]

What seems to me unsavoury about this thread is that the original poster seems smug.

 

FavoriteHeadache, you don't have a conflict you are asking for help resolving, and I doubt that there is a lesson for anyone in your story nor do you seem to want to convey one. I believe you to simply want to tell "the world" about how you had an affair, it was fun, you aren't too worried about either woman involved and are planning on carrying on with your life.

 

I guess that's sort of true in a way but you are way too shallow about it all. You don't know me (obviously) so I can see how it would appear to you like it does. My personality is such that things just don't seem to bother me much, ever. I simply accept things as they are and don't worry too much about things I can't change (like the past). You're wrong that I don't care about W or OW; I care more about them than about me. But I do plan on carrying on with my life just the same. This is a tricky situation I find myself in and I am blown away by it. I'm not all DISTURBED or all STRESSED OUT by any of it but I am concerned for everyone involved and simply don't know wtf to do if anything. I'm pretty much just venting and seeing what you guys might say. And I see what you are saying.

As far as being smug about it all maybe I am. I'm not all stressed about any of it because it is easily understandable to me how and why it occured. What am I supposed to do, become freakin' PSYCHOTIC about all of this? I did what I did and that's that. That can't be changed. So now I'm simply trying to figure things out and sort through it all and move on.

[FavoriteHeadache]

I agree with the hint of smugness, but I have to say, it almost feels like FH's in therapy here and is about to have a breakthrough. I mean, already in these last few pages he has acknowledged - albeit grudgingly - that he isn't actually happy with his marriage, and has made references to his wife that suggest a deep-seated anger (even as he's talking about how great she is at some stuff...there is clearly a lot of bitterness and frustration there). He has also referred to her affair 15 years ago, and has said several times that this wasn't payback...but that rings false. I think that maybe he just needs to hear himself more clearly, actually hear what he's saying and what he's not saying, and maybe he'll come to some revelations.

 

Get thee to therapy, FH. You have issues with your wife and you might as well confront them head-on rather than continue to be vaguely pissed off, right? Clearly, you didn't want your affair to end, and I wonder whether, if the OW had been willing, you might have considered leaving your wife? Now, instead, you're "resigning" yourself to a marriage you don't enjoy. How sad and pointless. Wake up and do something about it. Lay it on the line with your wife and see if you haven't been underestimating her all this time. I'd bet good money that you have. But it takes work on your part, too - and you'd have to focus on what you aren't bringing to the marriage as well. Are you brave enough to do that, and be honest with yourself and with her???

 

Yes I think I am brave enough to do all that. But first things first. I'm still figuring out wtf is what. No I wouldn't have left my wife for OW. That was never a part of any of it. I'm going to try to sum it all up in a post probably tomorrow and lay it all right out on the table.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Call me old fashioned but when a person who is already in a committed relationship goes out looking for "friends" of the opposite sex or meets friends of the opposite sex which they met online and established said rel. with them online, they are asking for trouble.

 

Tom, I don't think you are old fashion about friendship's of the opposite sex, I think it should only be a norm in all marriage's that spouses should not have close friendship's of the opposite sex, what's to gain for the marriage? Nothing but trouble IMO. I honestly can say that in all the year's of my marriage and with the many trouble's I have had I never until MM had a friendship of any sort with another man. The friendship that I did develop with this mm started out with us all beign friend's. Allowing that freindship to lead into an ea was very easy and very wrong. In mm's case I firmly believe that he has had many ea's in the past and turn's them off with NC just before he know's he's headed into a sexual relationship. That's how I think he get's away with all that he does! Sorry, venting!

 

AP:)

 

 

I think I have to agree with you. I have never had other female friends besides my wife until this past year and I see what became of it. I wasn't prepared for what happened and I fell into it way too easily. The same thing happened to OW. We F'd up bigtime.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

As long as you can justify it to yourself then all is well after all, you have noone else to answer to. You did what you thought was right, you have no regrets, YOU know yourself, and if there are consequences then the people who are affected by your actions can deal with them themselves when/if the time comes. Maybe we should all be a lot more like you! Geez some people spend big bucks on antidepressants just to get where you are naturally. More power to ya dude!

[Tomcat33]

Ok I'll call you old fashioned then.

I'm going to have to tell more I guess and then see what you guys might say about it all.

I'm not looking for justification or anything like that, I'm just trying to sort all of this out.

 

I was never looking to get out of my marriage and neither was she. What led us together is what you don't really see and I'll try to explain all in a future post. This is what I meant previously by it wasn't a typical "A". Please give me a chance to explain and then you can tell me what you think if you want. Ok?

 

 

No offense taken, there is something to be said for old fashioned values...especially given the moral decay of our current society.

 

 

I appreciate your need for confidentiality in your situation and the fact that you want to avoid getting into specific details for your own personal reasons but can you understand that given what you HAVE given us to work with it is not that much so we ARE basing our thoughts on what we have infront of us. You don't have to give specifics and you could still tell us a little more in a round about way....but only if you feel comfortable...I think you can benefit from our thoughts if we have a better understanding of your sit. is. As it appears it looks like you were just trying to make friends online with people.

 

I have a feeling that what you are not tell us is that these forums you were a part of were some sort of support group for something like a disease eg. cancer support group, or a disorder for a child, or a personal disability whatever it may be a support group of sorts which is why you don't want to go into specifics and I personally totally respect that. Let me know if I am even remotely close or completely off base?

[FavoriteHeadache]

no my husband didint leave me. we are still together. hes been begging me to stay. i am 28 he is 30 and the bitch is 31 married with a 9 or 10 years old girl. excuse the laguage. i have one question has your wife always been distant and only thinks the kids are her only job?

 

Eventhough I KNOW I'll get BLASTED by some for saying this (and they'll read all sorts of stuff into this), Yes she has always been distant and see's the kids as her primary role. But I have been ok with that all these years, I just accepted it and actually was happy in a way that she did take that responsibility very seriously. But it has obviously left some sort of hole or vulnerability in me that I never really realized b4. Well, I REALIZE IT NOW!

Had my marriage been as close and as good as it should've/could've been I'm sure this would have never happened with the OW. I am not blaming my wife for anything, I'm just calling it as I see it. OBVIOUSLY something was wrong or I wouldn't have strayed. And in large part it is my fault. But that's not to say that certan things didn't nudge me.

 

Do you guys have kids lovely01?

[Tomcat33]

Eventhough I KNOW I'll get BLASTED by some for saying this (and they'll read all sorts of stuff into this), Yes she has always been distant and see's the kids as her primary role. But I have been ok with that all these years, I just accepted it and actually was happy in a way that she did take that responsibility very seriously. But it has obviously left some sort of hole or vulnerability in me that I never really realized b4. Well, I REALIZE IT NOW!

Had my marriage been as close and as good as it should've/could've been I'm sure this would have never happened with the OW. I am not blaming my wife for anything, I'm just calling it as I see it. OBVIOUSLY something was wrong or I wouldn't have strayed. And in large part it is my fault. But that's not to say that certan things didn't nudge me.

 

Do you guys have kids lovely01?

 

Well you should not get blasted for that, being a good monther should not come between being a good W/partner. I think sometimes it's easy to slip into the the strictly mother role for women, and for men the "bread winner" role and forget that they also have a duty to their mates. One should not really take away from the other but they often do. Not having this balance can and will destroy a rel. but what seems to be the real destruction is how even when two people see the rel. sliding into the danger zone neither has the energy or will to pull the reigns back and say, "wait a minute something is seriously wrong here and we need to act on it or make some serious decisions..."

 

It's easier just to coast and accept than it is to confront and fix. And then the shocker of a lifetime happens "I fell in love with someone else" and I wasn't even looking for it. Well you may not have been looking for it but your full attention devotion and focus was no longer on your mate, and this is why it happens.

[frygirl]

OBVIOUSLY something was wrong or I wouldn't have strayed.

 

Very true. I think this is something many people seem to not want to acknowlegde. Its easier to just label some one who has cheated as just being a bad/selfish person and not be open to the idea that maybe there is something wrong in the marriage. Perhaps there is a flaw in the relationship that caused the affair to happen. People that are perfectly happy with their marriages and relationships don't cheat. Affairs are usually a way of filling a void in the marriage whether it be physical or emotional.

 

It seems easier for most people to just blame the affair for the problems in the relationship instead of acknowledging that the affair would not have occurred if there were not problems already in the marriage.