Why Would I Tell???

[FavoriteHeadache]

Cobra, another good post there!

 

Come on man, you cheated on your W, of course she deserves to know. It's all about being respectful, and facing up to the consequences of your actions, having integrity, admitting to your mistakes, loving her enough to let her know the truth, for you both to face up to the issues in your marriage, and to not be shortchanging her so badly by becoming involved with another woman behind her back.

 

There is no justification for an A...lots of people don't plan it, lots of people do it for the emotions, not for the sex, so there's plenty of people on this board who are in a very similar situation to you. And it sounds like you don't even think you really did much wrong. I know you can only think like this while you're keeping the A a secret, but if your W knew, you'd coming crashing down to earth and have the big old reality check you need...

 

In fact if you really want a reality check, speak to some kids/teenagers who found out their dad had an A. I have (I'm a teacher), and they lose all respect for the father and get torn apart by this kind of stuff. But hey, I guess 'they don't understand' because they 'don't know the full story' , just like us. Right?

 

 

There is no justification but I also don't have to go bringing it up and talking about it and rubbing her nose into it either! It's better off being forgotten (for everyone's sake including those children you mention).

Can you not see that?

 

I'll be damned if I get branded with a SCARLET LETTER and am thrashed by the self righteous (not that you are doing that but just in general). There are always two sides to a story and things are better off not being aired-out usually. What purpose would it serve for me to announce everything to everyone I care about? It's none of their business and it's over now anyway. Today is a new day. I'm going to live it.

[whichwayisup]

Then I suggest you love your wife, be there for her, not only as her husband, but as her friend, her life partner. LOVE and respect her, appreciate her because one day if she doesn't FEEL that from you, she could cheat on you. Just keep that in mind.

 

Good luck and all I'll say is, IF the time comes your wife finds out about the affair, don't put ANY blame on her for your choice to cheat on her. It's all about YOU and your needs during that time, not about your wife.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Then I suggest you love your wife, be there for her, not only as her husband, but as her friend, her life partner. LOVE and respect her, appreciate her because one day if she doesn't FEEL that from you, she could cheat on you. Just keep that in mind.

 

Good luck and all I'll say is, IF the time comes your wife finds out about the affair, don't put ANY blame on her for your choice to cheat on her. It's all about YOU and your needs during that time, not about your wife.

 

 

You're right. I do not blame her and never would.

 

It's funny (strange) but I never stopped loving my wife or being there for her. It was not about not respecting her or anything like that. It had nothing to do with her. I know it probably sounds strange but it's true. It was as if two entirely seperate relationships were going on (and they were) and one had nothing to do with the other. That's how it happens (in my case anyway). I somehow didn't think or feel I was betraying her at all. It was all for me. It's obvious that I was betraying her though. If anything this little escapade has made me appreciate her even more. I love her and we have a long history together. We're just not very close (emotionally). That's what needs to change but I doubt it ever will. Either way, I believe I have learned from this.

Thanks for writing.

[whichwayisup]

Do you want to be close with her emotionally again? Talk to her, TELL her that your marriage can be better and go to counselling. IF she won't go with you, go alone and fix whatever it is that made you cheat in the first place. Why you couldn't say no to the OW, why you let yourself get into a situation where saying NO was going to get harder and harder to do.

[jj2007]

And some of us have the strength to befriend someone else when we feel it is necessary in spite of the consequences.

Being friends with someone is not the same as dipping your stick in them!

It sounds to me that there is a "special set of circumstances" for you but there is not. Cheating is cheating. There are NO EXCUSES FOR CHEATING. EVER. You can be there and be a friend for someone without getting in their pants. One way or another, your wife will probably find out and speaking form a BS experience she will NEVER feel the same way about you again. You may be able to work through it or she may not want anything to do with you at all. But you chose to cheat so you will have to live with the consequences. Personally If I were you, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. But that's just because of my conscience and morals.

 

You say you didn't "want " it to happen but you let it. All you had to say was,"I'm married"

[Tomcat33]

Frankly I don't much care about "most" affairs or anything else about it. I only know about my own situation. Also I have to say that I do appreciate all the feedback though I understand that little is understood by any of you (especially those who this has never happened to). It's easy to sit and judge and I KNOW I would have judged too if this happened to others.

I'm pretty much blown away by what others think and I understand how they see things and I accept it for what it is. I think you guys all mean well and come from a "good" place but seem incapable of any true empathy and that's totally understandable.

 

 

 

I can appreciate that you don't care much for other situations that your situation is particular to you and your circumstances, but you drew the parallel that your affair was: "This was not what I would consider a typical "A" at all. It wasn't about sex and never was"

 

So you are the one who compared your own situation to others, it seemed to be ok for you to compare in that point but when someone else points out that a lot of As are about emotional needs and not about sex, you say you don't give a care about other As? So which is it, is yours unique to other As or not?

 

I think you will be surprised to learn that almost every single person who has responded to your posts is either an ex-cheater, ex-other woman, ex-other man or ex-betrayed person or "current" (any of those things), so the advice given here comes not only from reason but also from experience. I also think you underestimate the people behind the words.

 

There is plenty of empathy to go around, but we should probably define empathy to see if we all agree on what it means:

 

is empathy saying yes to all your comments and agreeing that what you did is justified as you are trying to explain?

 

OR

 

is empathy feeling for you and your situation and having been already in your shoes being able to offer some insight on your thoughts?

[FavoriteHeadache]

:sick::sick:

 

 

:confused::confused:

[FavoriteHeadache]

Do you want to be close with her emotionally again? Talk to her, TELL her that your marriage can be better and go to counselling. IF she won't go with you, go alone and fix whatever it is that made you cheat in the first place. Why you couldn't say no to the OW, why you let yourself get into a situation where saying NO was going to get harder and harder to do.

 

She sees no reason for anything to get better in our marriage (you don't know my wife). I have tried but she's incapable of getting closer emotionally. She likes everything as is. Really.

 

I know what made me get close to that other woman, counseling wouldn't help me see that. I got close to her because we hit it off very well on all levels. What else is there to know, ya know? That doesn't make what I did right but that's the reason (as opposed to an excuse). I don't need an excuse. I had a momentary lapse of reason and was ruled for a short time by emotion rather than intelect. I should have never crossed that boundary but I did. Me and OW were very close. Too damned close on to many levels. That's what made it so damned difficult.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Being friends with someone is not the same as dipping your stick in them!

It sounds to me that there is a "special set of circumstances" for you but there is not. Cheating is cheating. There are NO EXCUSES FOR CHEATING. EVER. You can be there and be a friend for someone without getting in their pants. One way or another, your wife will probably find out and speaking form a BS experience she will NEVER feel the same way about you again. You may be able to work through it or she may not want anything to do with you at all. But you chose to cheat so you will have to live with the consequences. Personally If I were you, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. But that's just because of my conscience and morals.

 

You say you didn't "want " it to happen but you let it. All you had to say was,"I'm married"

 

LOL! I can't argue with that first part. But it all starts by being "friends". I never had any intention of "dipping my stick" in her, not at first. That happens by itself if you get my meaning. I'm not looking for excuses at all but there are reasons (there's a difference between excuses and reasons). I am not trying to excuse what happened but I am trying to understand it (understand the reasoning).

She wanted it more than I did and she started that part of it so don't go telling me I "dipped my stick" so fast. It was more her that took it and not me that dipped it initially. I'm NOT blaming her I'm just stating the fact. It's not like I took advantage of her or anything. She knew fully well what she was doing and I was powerless to say no (I have to admit). She is beautiful and I caved in like a sick puppy. But there is a lot more to it really.

 

Btw, I sleep just fine. I was amazed at how little it bothered me. I would have thought it would have bothered me a lot more. When you really and truly care about someone these things naturally occur. It wasn't about sex at all. The sex was just an extension of the emotion and was the natural next step. I doubt that you can understand what I mean because I have a hard time with it myself but it is nonetheless true.

 

And sex with my wife has been fantastic as usual too.

Maybe I am a sick man? Lol, I don't know. If I am then OW is a sick woman too. We both were having each other while also having our spouses. This is a very weird thing to live or to explain. It's as if both of us were living two entirely different lives. Looking back it makes no sense and seems unreal.

 

I didn't want it to happen. She knew fully well that I was married. That had nothing to do with any part of it. I don't expect you to understand that cuz I don't either.

[FavoriteHeadache]

I can appreciate that you don't care much for other situations that your situation is particular to you and your circumstances, but you drew the parallel that your affair was: "This was not what I would consider a typical "A" at all. It wasn't about sex and never was"

 

So you are the one who compared your own situation to others, it seemed to be ok for you to compare in that point but when someone else points out that a lot of As are about emotional needs and not about sex, you say you don't give a care about other As? So which is it, is yours unique to other As or not?

 

I think you will be surprised to learn that almost every single person who has responded to your posts is either an ex-cheater, ex-other woman, ex-other man or ex-betrayed person or "current" (any of those things), so the advice given here comes not only from reason but also from experience. I also think you underestimate the people behind the words.

 

There is plenty of empathy to go around, but we should probably define empathy to see if we all agree on what it means:

 

is empathy saying yes to all your comments and agreeing that what you did is justified as you are trying to explain?

 

OR

 

is empathy feeling for you and your situation and having been already in your shoes being able to offer some insight on your thoughts?

 

 

Well Tom, I think we misunderstand one another more than just about the definition of empathy. By typical "A" I meant what I figured a typical "A" was. I wasn't trying to compare it to anyone else's anything. I meant it was not what I always thought an "A" was, which is all about sex. I was speaking in general terms.

I have never before gone through anything like this and it was a shock and a surprise. It wasn't at all what I would have imagined it was. That's what I meant.

 

My definition of empathy is simply "understanding". How can someone "understand" anything if they don't listen to the facts? I didn't say you didn't listen to the facts, I am just making a point. Let's not confuse empathy with sympathy or excuses with reasons. I do appreciate everyone's willingness to chime in and take what is said with a grain of sand. Maybe some of you can actually empathize (understand) but maybe you can't. Again, I'm not trying to excuse anything. I don't believe that what occured was a good thing. But it did happen. So now what? I've never been one to beat the hell out of myself about anything. So I have to simply accept it and move on.

Right?

[lovely01]

so can i ask why you can't tell your whole story? you keep on telling people well you dont know the whole story well you can tell us we wont bite then maybe we can understand better ya know. it sounds like in your post about your wife that your bored with her . like sex is fantastic ae usual and you use usual. have you tired to reconnect with her like a second honeymoon or vacation, just the two of you? ! maybe if you tell her "honey i need you to concentrate on me i need you and i love you" maybe she can take some time for you then. most likely she knows but is to scared to admit that the one person that she loved and trust did something like that to her.

[Tomcat33]

Well Tom, I think we misunderstand one another more than just about the definition of empathy. By typical "A" I meant what I figured a typical "A" was. I wasn't trying to compare it to anyone else's anything. I meant it was not what I always thought an "A" was, which is all about sex. I was speaking in general terms.

I have never before gone through anything like this and it was a shock and a surprise. It wasn't at all what I would have imagined it was. That's what I meant.

 

My definition of empathy is simply "understanding". How can someone "understand" anything if they don't listen to the facts? I didn't say you didn't listen to the facts, I am just making a point. Let's not confuse empathy with sympathy or excuses with reasons. I do appreciate everyone's willingness to chime in and take what is said with a grain of sand. Maybe some of you can actually empathize (understand) but maybe you can't. Again, I'm not trying to excuse anything. I don't believe that what occured was a good thing. But it did happen. So now what? I've never been one to beat the hell out of myself about anything. So I have to simply accept it and move on.

Right?

 

 

Well a typical A by your own definition differs from what A's actually are. I guess in your head an A just meant a sexual fling, but you will find if you do a little bit of research on other As and to help you understand your own situation better that a lot of As start and happen because of what you described. Your pattern and reason behind the pattern is quite common actually, yes your situation is entirely unique to the rest but the elements are the same.

 

 

I can tell you that when my exMM and I met neither one of us were the type of folk who had As, well I can only speak for myself, I was dead set against it and it disgust me to even think of being involved with someone who was already taken. Well we met under special circumstances and our frienship through work developed into something very strong emotionally speaking, VERY STRONG. He assured me there were many problems in the marriage for a long time and that they were bound to seperate. So he proceeded to move out and in time we started dating.

 

Of course his W had no idea we were together. What he found in me was v different from what he found in his W, our connection was very special, we are culturally, have very similar upbringing the same and have the exact same interests and work in the same industry so our passions are exactly parallel (we speak the "same language" in many respects) that's why the attraction was so strong. We were convinced we were soul mates it was just too many hours or conversation of talking of everything and nothing too many shared moments too many fun times that were lived that assured us that we had a connection out of this world.

 

His W found out about us, she had us followed and while we lived our rel completely out in the open, he was prepared to face the consecuences if she found out and he NEVER did anything to hide the fact we were together, when push came to shove and his W found about us I guess reality was not what he had thought it would be and he had to face the facts.

 

Long story short he is now back with his W supposedly trying to work on the marriage, is still trying to contact me off and on and the last I heard of him was a week ago and he was telling me how utterly messed up he was because not only did he miss me and our connection to death his life with his W will NEVER be the same, he has the betrayal to face and the fact that she had to find out about us through her own means and on top of it the confusion of what he now feels for me that won't let him progress.

 

Why I am telling you all this is? because while in your head you may think that putting something off today can save you heartache tomorrow, what you might realise in the end is that what you putt off today could actually hurt you 10 times more tomorrow.

 

He is in a living hell, he was to make things better with his W and cannot do it because he is still emotionally tied to me and that's what's keeping him from being 100% honest with her, and his W will never get what she deserves because he fails to live up to the mistakes he comitted in the marriage by keeping his real emotions away from her.

 

I can tell you right now that they will never mend what is done sinply because he chooses to keep himself secretely away from her, there is no room for growth in a relationship if you keep a side of you away from your partner, especially a side that is still devoted either in heart or mind to someone else.

 

Take this as you will: I don't even speak from the side of a betrayed person I speak from the side of an OW, I too was very reluctant when I came on to this site and some of the advice that was given to me. But there is a reason you came here and in time some of the ideas you reject the most now, might actually serve in your favour down the road.

[serial muse]

She sees no reason for anything to get better in our marriage (you don't know my wife). I have tried but she's incapable of getting closer emotionally. She likes everything as is. Really.

 

I know what made me get close to that other woman, counseling wouldn't help me see that. I got close to her because we hit it off very well on all levels. What else is there to know, ya know? That doesn't make what I did right but that's the reason (as opposed to an excuse). I don't need an excuse. I had a momentary lapse of reason and was ruled for a short time by emotion rather than intelect. I should have never crossed that boundary but I did. Me and OW were very close. Too damned close on to many levels. That's what made it so damned difficult.

 

 

This is the part that troubles me, particularly when we're talking about empathy in the same breath.

 

Fact is, you do NOT know how your wife would feel, if she actually knew what was at stake and what had been going on. You only know what you hope she feels, and what you observe - through, I might point out, a biased lens. Had you talked to her about it, it's entirely possible you'd discover that she would be deeply troubled and would want to make changes rather than you have an affair. This is the thing that many MM/MW refuse to "understand" - they assume that because they've tried to talk about problems and met with no success, that there's no point in raising the stakes and showing just what might happen if talking doesn't work. In most cases, I think, the BS would indeed respond. But how will a MM/MW ever know, if they don't try?

 

You can come to terms with it, as you clearly have, and sleep well at night. But at least admit to yourself that you have no idea what your wife would have felt or done, whether she would have been willing to address problems with you in a way that would have made your marriage better, if she had known the truth. You do not know, and now you never will.

 

And I agree with Tomcat, that it sounds very much like you're leaving the door open to cheat again.

[FavoriteHeadache]

so can i ask why you can't tell your whole story? you keep on telling people well you dont know the whole story well you can tell us we wont bite then maybe we can understand better ya know. it sounds like in your post about your wife that your bored with her . like sex is fantastic ae usual and you use usual. have you tired to reconnect with her like a second honeymoon or vacation, just the two of you? ! maybe if you tell her "honey i need you to concentrate on me i need you and i love you" maybe she can take some time for you then. most likely she knows but is to scared to admit that the one person that she loved and trust did something like that to her.

 

I guess I just don't feel comfortable telling the whole story and also doubt it would make a lot of difference. I guess I'm content knowing the whole story.

 

I don't see it as I did anything to her; I did something with someone else. While it was going on she wasn't even a part of any of it. See what I mean? I never felt like I was hurting her in any way because life went on as usual. I do love her and always have. That hasn't changed. Maybe she does know in a way? I don't know for sure. But how could she not know? She was always there when I was on the phone. She knew I was talking with other women and seemed not to much care. We are together but somehow also seperate. We don't connect anymore, in a way we never did. So really nothing has changed. Do you see what I mean?

 

We're going away in July for a week and leaving the kids at home with the elder kids. Hopefully it all goes smoothly for us. I just want to be happy and I have always wanted it to be with her. I dont feel as if I have committed an unpardonable thing. And I don't want it to ever happen again.

[serial muse]

I guess I just don't feel comfortable telling the whole story and also doubt it would make a lot of difference. I guess I'm content knowing the whole story.

 

I don't see it as I did anything to her; I did something with someone else. While it was going on she wasn't even a part of any of it. See what I mean? I never felt like I was hurting her in any way because life went on as usual. I do love her and always have. That hasn't changed. Maybe she does know in a way? I don't know for sure. But how could she not know? She was always there when I was on the phone. She knew I was talking with other women and seemed not to much care. We are together but somehow also seperate. We don't connect anymore, in a way we never did. So really nothing has changed. Do you see what I mean?

 

We're going away in July for a week and leaving the kids at home with the elder kids. Hopefully it all goes smoothly for us. I just want to be happy and I have always wanted it to be with her. I dont feel as if I have committed an unpardonable thing. And I don't want it to ever happen again.

 

Again, this shows a lack of empathy for your wife. You do NOT know how she feels, but you keep projecting stuff onto her that is convenient for you to believe. Things have changed, at a deep, core level. But you'd like for them to not have changed, so you tell yourself they haven't. If she does know, or even suspects, then I guarantee that there is something disrupted, deep underneath. And it will out, at some point, in some way, either subtly or eruptively.

[FavoriteHeadache]

Well a typical A by your own definition differs from what A's actually are. I guess in your head an A just meant a sexual fling, but you will find if you do a little bit of research on other As and to help you understand your own situation better that a lot of As start and happen because of what you described. Your pattern and reason behind the pattern is quite common actually, yes your situation is entirely unique to the rest but the elements are the same.

 

 

I can tell you that when my exMM and I met neither one of us were the type of folk who had As, well I can only speak for myself, I was dead set against it and it disgust me to even think of being involved with someone who was already taken. Well we met under special circumstances and our frienship through work developed into something very strong emotionally speaking, VERY STRONG. He assured me there were many problems in the marriage for a long time and that they were bound to seperate. So he proceeded to move out and in time we started dating.

 

Of course his W had no idea we were together. What he found in me was v different from what he found in his W, our connection was very special, we are culturally, have very similar upbringing the same and have the exact same interests and work in the same industry so our passions are exactly parallel (we speak the "same language" in many respects) that's why the attraction was so strong. We were convinced we were soul mates it was just too many hours or conversation of talking of everything and nothing too many shared moments too many fun times that were lived that assured us that we had a connection out of this world.

 

His W found out about us, she had us followed and while we lived our rel completely out in the open, he was prepared to face the consecuences if she found out and he NEVER did anything to hide the fact we were together, when push came to shove and his W found about us I guess reality was not what he had thought it would be and he had to face the facts.

 

Long story short he is now back with his W supposedly trying to work on the marriage, is still trying to contact me off and on and the last I heard of him was a week ago and he was telling me how utterly messed up he was because not only did he miss me and our connection to death his life with his W will NEVER be the same, he has the betrayal to face and the fact that she had to find out about us through her own means and on top of it the confusion of what he now feels for me that won't let him progress.

 

Why I am telling you all this is? because while in your head you may think that putting something off today can save you heartache tomorrow, what you might realise in the end is that what you putt off today could actually hurt you 10 times more tomorrow.

 

He is in a living hell, he was to make things better with his W and cannot do it because he is still emotionally tied to me and that's what's keeping him from being 100% honest with her, and his W will never get what she deserves because he fails to live up to the mistakes he comitted in the marriage by keeping his real emotions away from her.

 

I can tell you right now that they will never mend what is done sinply because he chooses to keep himself secretely away from her, there is no room for growth in a relationship if you keep a side of you away from your partner, especially a side that is still devoted either in heart or mind to someone else.

 

Take this as you will: I don't even speak from the side of a betrayed person I speak from the side of an OW, I too was very reluctant when I came on to this site and some of the advice that was given to me. But there is a reason you came here and in time some of the ideas you reject the most now, might actually serve in your favour down the road.

 

 

Thank you for this post.

[Tomcat33]

You're welcome.

[lovely01]

i see what you mean.,!!!!!!!!!!and i understand hopefully in july you two can bond together again!!!!!!!! you going somewhere remote where it is you just the two of you? you said she had an affair 15 years ago, did she tell you about it or how did you find out? how did that make you feel? did that change her? sorry if i am asking to many questions

[FavoriteHeadache]

Again, this shows a lack of empathy for your wife. You do NOT know how she feels, but you keep projecting stuff onto her that is convenient for you to believe. Things have changed, at a deep, core level. But you'd like for them to not have changed, so you tell yourself they haven't. If she does know, or even suspects, then I guarantee that there is something disrupted, deep underneath. And it will out, at some point, in some way, either subtly or eruptively.

 

 

I really don't know what the hell to think anymore. All I know is that "it" happened and now it is over. This is all very strange to me. It was never about hurting her or my kids. I made a big mistake and was stupid. I don't know what else to do but to simply keep going. I can't change the past, only the future. Each day the past moves further from me. I am not a slave to past mistakes. I can't control what comes out or what doesn't come out. I'm simply going forward.

 

I have not talked with OW for 3 weeks or so. I will not call her again. She usually called me. But when I think about this stuff I now realize what a big mistake it was and how I would never fall into this trap again. When my cell rings I sometimes imagine it's her and I see myself just remaining distant and saying goodbye. What I did was a big mistake but at the time seemed right. It not only hurt me and mine but also OW's life. It was wrong.

 

I don't see any reason to bring this stuff up to my wife, I really don't. If it comes out then it does. If it doesn't then it'll be forgotten about. I did what I did and I know it was wrong. I can't change any of it now. But I can keep on going and I plan to. One day at a time. Let the chips fall where they may. It's out of my control at this point. If I could change things I would but all I can do is keep on going.

[FavoriteHeadache]

i see what you mean.,!!!!!!!!!!and i understand hopefully in july you two can bond together again!!!!!!!! you going somewhere remote where it is you just the two of you? you said she had an affair 15 years ago, did she tell you about it or how did you find out? how did that make you feel? did that change her? sorry if i am asking to many questions

 

 

Look, I'm not some dirtbag that goes around humping whatever he can find but I suppose that most people who end up this way are not. So I guess I now can plainly see that I am just as weak as the next guy (I guess I used to think I was different). Lol, I'm not sure why I felt the need to say this but I did.

 

Yeah we're going away in July just us two. I sort of planned it suddenly and just booked everything then told her. Lol, she wants to bring the kids! She's a really nice woman and a very good mother (almost too good). She doesn't understand what I need and I know that but she also doesn't seem to care a lot. I know she loves me as best as she can and I love her too.

 

When she had her "thing" I found out on my own. There must have been tell-tale signs because I had a very vivid dream that left me knowing for sure. I then confronted her and she cracked. Our daughters were very young then and I was totally heartbroken. I went and beat the hell out of the guy and felt better but I realized it wasn't all his fault at all. It was also her fault (and I became keenly aware that it was also mine). Now I AM THAT GUY. Freakin' strange how what comes around goes around.....

 

My wife is FULLY AWARE that I have been talking with many women over the past year. She never seemed to be all that bothered. So it's not as if I've been keeping some huge secret from her, however she does not know just how involved I became with one of them and I think it's better that atleast for now she does not know. Anyway I can always say that now we're even. LOL, don't take that the wrong way! It wasn't as if I were paying her back or anything because I really FELL for this OW. It just happened! I feel badly for all concerned. But I don't take the blame for what she did to her family because she did it. I can only be concerned with my family because I did this to them. And I think my wife can understand what I've been through because of the obvious reason.

I love my wife dearly. In a strange way I am humbled by all of this crap and have been brought down a notch or three.

 

Lol, ask all the questions you want to. It helps!

I'm sorry but I'm not familiar with your story at this point.

[lovely01]

i dont think you are dirt bag. i just think you are negelcted by your wife whose by what you tell is a fanastic lady who devotes herself to her family.have you had any contact with the other lady . it sounds like she needs to get away from him as fast as possible. do you like how things are at home or wold you like for your wife to change and give you attention?

[FavoriteHeadache]

i dont think you are dirt bag. i just think you are negelcted by your wife whose by what you tell is a fanastic lady who devotes herself to her family.have you had any contact with the other lady . it sounds like she needs to get away from him as fast as possible. do you like how things are at home or wold you like for your wife to change and give you attention?

 

 

I wouldn't have said that but it's probably right pretty much (the neglected part). I don't think she realizes it or she just thinks I'm overreacting. After 25 years together you just sort of get comfortable and accept things as they are I guess. She is a very good mother and she see's that as her main focus (and I would rather have her that way than the opposite way). But I must admit that it has left a HOLE in me and she knows it too but can't seem to try to fix it. I guess I just have to accept that.

 

I have had no contact with the other for about 3 weeks. She is scared of her ass-hole husband bigtime. It isn't right but she allows him to LORD himself over her (though I think she's getting stronger now). She is also a very nice woman but it tends to make her weak in certain ways and I told her that a trillion times. I'd be a liar if I said I didn't miss her but it's for the best that what we had has ended. I really do think that the OW needs to get away from him or be his doormat forever but that's completely her decision.

 

I would like to see things change in my situation but I really don't think that's likely. It is what it is and I just have to get used to again and accept it. That was one of the things the OW said as we were saying goodbye, that I would be lonely again. I told her that I am used to it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not wallowing or trying to say that it's so bad or anything but there is some truth to it.

 

What brings you here? Have you started any threads? Just wondering.

Btw thanks for writing to me.

[Havn_a_life]

And some of us have the strength to befriend someone else when we feel it is necessary in spite of the consequences. You obviously don't understand this but I respect your opinion, I really do. You don't have any clue what really happened. You only understand one part as well. So be it.

 

Look, this can't be undone. I have to face it and live with it. What else can I do? I love my wife and she knows it. Nothing can change that. I'll always love her. And I forgave her infidelity of the past too. We're here today and gone tomorrow. This really shouldn't be such a devastating thing after all is said and done. I can't change what happened. I have to move on.

 

I don't understand the whole, "I love my spouse, but I don't regret or feel that bad about cheating on them".

No, the A can't be undone, but you seem happy to leave the door closed to your W hearing from your lips about your A. This also leaves a door open for you to cheat on her again. With whomever you want to.

 

I agree with the poster who said they hoped your W didn't find out about your cheating.

I feel for your W.

[FavoriteHeadache]

I don't understand the whole, "I love my spouse, but I don't regret or feel that bad about cheating on them".

No, the A can't be undone, but you seem happy to leave the door closed to your W hearing from your lips about your A. This also leaves a door open for you to cheat on her again. With whomever you want to.

 

I agree with the poster who said they hoped your W didn't find out about your cheating.

I feel for your W.

 

 

That's ok, you don't have to understand it for it to be the truth. Why in the hell would I want to tell her about it? LOL! Are you ok or what? And why would that statement by me mean anything of the sort (that it leaves the door wide open)? That's certainly making a quantum LEAP in logic!

You can feel for my wife all you want to but it won't change a thing.

Thanks for stopping by.

:^)))))

[Meaplus3]

Favoriteheadache, I am just wondering how you meet this OW and how thing's just sort of happened? I do feel for you and your situation. I had an ea that I feel into due to a lack of an emotional connection in my marriage which was a direct result of the verbal abuse I have become used to. Anyway,Did you fall in love with this OW?

 

AP:)