Nuggets for OW to consider

[9Lives]

Here is something to consider for us OW. I have recently ended the A and I am searching for strength to keep from completely having a meltdown. Here is something I want to share with you all. (By the way, my xmm left me better off than I was in many ways...but still)

 

**So many times mm become very unhappy and turn to ow. When their self esteem is raised....they feel validated....or they've f/ucked around enough to feel guilty....THE MISTRESS IS LEFT FEELING HURT...USED...AND EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED.

 

**Everyone gets hurt in situations like this. No one ever wins. IF YOU WANT A R WITH THIS MAN ....WAIT UNTIL HE IS FREE OF HIS COMMITMENT TO HIS W....THAT IS THE ONLY HONEST WAY TO PERSUE HIM....TAKE THE HIGH ROAD...NOT THE LOW ROAD

 

**During this R you will have been depressed and emotionally exhaused especially if you get along well. It will make you feel cheap. Most of these mm do care about us. He struggles too with it...but not as much as we do.

 

**Getting attached to a mm is ....difficult. He struggles cause he cares for you . You struggle cause you have needs and wants that arent getting fulfilled. So RESPECTthe love you once had....Respect the friendship you might still be able to have...and Respect the fact that he is still MARRIED.

On both sides of the coin, there is so much emotional distraught on THIS path.

 

**Part of being mature in life is knowing you dont always get what you want when you want it. When you are a adult, you have to learn to say no to yourself......the R succeeding is less that 5%.

 

**Dont confuse his loving you as a sign that he is making a commitment to you.

 

**Having to keep your R a secret can attack your self esteem and cause us to miss out on one of the wonderful aspects of a relationship. Someone who can be be open and be proud to be with you.

 

**Time is now...are you wasting it? Because it convenient and comfortable, a R with a mm can go on for a long time and before you know it....your precious time is gone that you could have had in a healthy R with a chance of flourishing. ....Not in a DEAD END AFFAIR.

 

So ladies this is what I tell myself every day. I still love him. I just have to fight for my life, my future, my emotions, my sanity, my dignity.

 

If he really wants to share his life with me...for real. He knows where to find me. I have to keep moving on. It what I have to do.

[PoshPrincess]

Here is something to consider for us OW. I have recently ended the A and I am searching for strength to keep from completely having a meltdown. Here is something I want to share with you all. (By the way, my xmm left me better off than I was in many ways...but still)

 

**So many times mm become very unhappy and turn to ow. When their self esteem is raised....they feel validated....or they've f/ucked around enough to feel guilty....THE MISTRESS IS LEFT FEELING HURT...USED...AND EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED.

 

**Everyone gets hurt in situations like this. No one ever wins. IF YOU WANT A R WITH THIS MAN ....WAIT UNTIL HE IS FREE OF HIS COMMITMENT TO HIS W....THAT IS THE ONLY HONEST WAY TO PERSUE HIM....TAKE THE HIGH ROAD...NOT THE LOW ROAD

 

Couldn't agree more. I know they don't always f**k with us intentionally but nonetheless, it is more often than not going to end in tears (ours, the BSs, even the MM/MWs) but also most of us know what we are getting ourselves into

 

**During this R you will have been depressed and emotionally exhaused especially if you get along well. It will make you feel cheap. Most of these mm do care about us. He struggles too with it...but not as much as we do.

 

To be honest, for those MM who genuinely love their OW I think it may even be harder for them that it is for us, in as much as they are totally torn., although saying that, they at least have a choice. Yeah, I guess we have a choice whether or not to get involved but once we're involved hook, line and sinker it is very hard to find a way out.

 

**Getting attached to a mm is ....difficult. He struggles cause he cares for you . You struggle cause you have needs and wants that arent getting fulfilled. So RESPECTthe love you once had....Respect the friendship you might still be able to have...and Respect the fact that he is still MARRIED.

On both sides of the coin, there is so much emotional distraught on THIS path.

 

Definitely respect the fact that they are still married, especially when they tell you it's over. When they say they want to work on their M. As painful as that is for us, if we love them as much as we say then we have no choice but to respect their wishes.

 

**Part of being mature in life is knowing you dont always get what you want when you want it. When you are a adult, you have to learn to say no to yourself......the R succeeding is less that 5%.

 

God, don't we know it!!!!

 

**Dont confuse his loving you as a sign that he is making a commitment to you.

 

This line is SPOT ON. That's the hardest thing I have had to come to turns with in breaking up with MM - that he told me he loved me (and I know he meant it - or at least thought he did at the time) but couldn't commit to me. He promised me the world but I got nothing. And what could I expect at the end of the day when he wasn't in a position to be making me promises?

 

**Having to keep your R a secret can attack your self esteem and cause us to miss out on one of the wonderful aspects of a relationship. Someone who can be be open and be proud to be with you.

 

Really difficult not to be able to do stuff that 'normal' couples do. I have never been one for public displays of affection but I wanted the world to know that MM and I were in love. I wanted to be able to walk into our local pub, to even have a drink together without being the subject of gossip. Guess I picked the wrong man huh?

 

**Time is now...are you wasting it? Because it convenient and comfortable, a R with a mm can go on for a long time and before you know it....your precious time is gone that you could have had in a healthy R with a chance of flourishing. ....Not in a DEAD END AFFAIR.

 

Yes, it WAS dead end and although I regret having a R with someone else's husband I do not regret the time I had with him, if you know what I mean. I LOVED him more than anything and I wouldn't have wanted to spend that time with anyone else.

 

So ladies this is what I tell myself every day. I still love him. I just have to fight for my life, my future, my emotions, my sanity, my dignity.

 

If he really wants to share his life with me...for real. He knows where to find me. I have to keep moving on. It what I have to do.

 

So right, 9Lives. We have no choice. Neither of us want to be someone's 2nd best because no matter how they say they feel about us, we will always be at the bottom of their list......Onwards and upwards...!

[torranceshipman]

Great post!!!!

 

The only thing I don't understand...once you've removed yourself from the situation, got rid of the MM...don't you kind of despise them and feel well rid of them? When I ended, it was because I realised how much the guy lied, and what a bad person he was...I can't stand him now - I think he's just a sleazebag, and if I'd known the truth of who he really was, he wouldn't have had a chance in hell with me-and he knows it. Plus he's still lying to his girlfriend which is so horrible-he's a bad person for treating her that way.

 

How can you still love a guy when you know all that? It is just infatuation, or you just can forgive all the lies and lack of integrity, etc? I bet most people on this board could date people WAY better than the MMs they are involved with.

[9Lives]

well first of all, I would like to say I am sorry that that mm was such a loser.

 

My xmm was not like that at all. At the end of the day, he add alot to my life in so many ways. BUT i WANTED IT ALL. NOW!!! You know what I mean.

 

 

he put me thru real estate school which I am currently working on

he has given me good advice on alot of things in my own life

he added me to his personal life by putting me in this brotherhood and sisterhood organization we both belong to.

He took care of me on the holidays always. Never missed one.

 

He did alot to try to make me happy and I was but not satisfied. I couldnt get pass him being married. That was a problem for me. I did not want to be with someone who is married. He told me initially he was leaving so that is why I got involved in the first place. I believe HE really believed he was but he did not do it for his own reason. I dont think he is all inlove or happy but whatever. Then he was like well I dont know. I cant say for sure and then I knew it was time to go but I wanted to hear him say something different but he would not lie or build my hopes up when he came to the conclusion he was not sure anymore. So that is what happen.

 

We shared lots of love and very great sex. I miss the sex..no lie.

Let's just keep it real. You know you do too

[9Lives]

PoshPrincess

 

I really like the way you responded. It just adds to why it is important to do what you have to do even though it is painful. I'm really trying this time. He hasn't called either so I guess he is feeling the same way. It has not even been a week truthfully. Men take longer to figure stuff out but I dont think he will contact me.

 

Question:

Tomorrow is his birthday, should I wish him happy birthday. I really dont want to but I dont know if I should.

 

What you think?

[upto_here]

:laugh:first of all ....brilliant post ....its said all....thats is the kind of we try to get tru to what has happened to us...i will keep your post just to remind myself of everytime i think about my MM ..and its true the more its happy da da emotional or physical..we all wanted more ..we are human after all shared the things we love and cherish most is impossible....what we can not have we wanted more, its good that one or a few of us realize it and can walk away ..proud....i admired all your courage and strenge...a big round of applause ...BRAVO,,,and carry on.... i have learn one thing from this kind of R is that no matter how deep is your feeling between you and your MM is ...no matter how much he cared or love you....the fact is you will never be his 1 priority...i saw that to myself and remind myself everyday to try to get over and move on...no matter what ..if you lay on your dead bed and what happen? .....you still lay on the dead bed !!!on your own!!! ....can he come rescue you and cured you? no......he can not !!!!the person who can do that is the one who available ....not emotional available ..but physical available .....we all been tru hell ...the one who lost is ourself....we all just want to bring ourself back otherwise we wouldn't be here posting in LS......for the one who is ending this R ,for the one who thought about ending this R ,for the one who did end the R ....you are great and i personally admire you...be proud......that is:rolleyes: make us become a fine fine human...

[9Lives]

I am soooo glad I am helping other people along with myself.

 

I swear this is the hardest R i have ever been it with anyone. It must be the punishment of being involved when you really shouldnt.

 

Even if they are sweet, loving, available more than normal....at the end of the day...Your a/ss is laying next to someone else with my heart in your hands and I CANT STAND IT. It just sucks.

 

My xmm was not really that bad to me. I cant really say he lied, he did me wrong and all that stuff. He did change his mind(mutherf/ucker) I just did not want to be 2nd anymore. and I threw a fit...he said I was acting like a baby and he did not like it. I felt like I was being unreasonable because he was so available to me most of the time. But I hated that I couldnt be his only love. I hated being home by myself every night. I wanted the full pie. he was too good to share and I decided all or nothing. So now we are not speaking or anything. It has been 3 days. WOW!!

[Tomcat33]

This post is very interesting to me and it sums up quite nicely a lot of the emotions that I am dealing with in the whole break-up process.

 

I have changed some of my views as of lately and thanks to speaking to him last week. It made me realise that sometimes what we don't see and make up in our heads to be this completely sad scenario that leaves us as the OW out in the cold, is sometimes not as we imagine it. He expressed the torment he is now left to live with, due to the fact that he has to face up to his marriage to try to work things out but is left with the aftermath of all the strong emotions he still feels for me, a reminder of us that is not going to disappear anytime soon and is making his daily struggle that much more intense. I feel for him because he has a lot of work ahead of him and at the end of the day he treated me like GOLD, I really cannot complain about how much love he gave me how accomodating he was to me and how caring he was. He did the best he could given how bad the situation was.

 

I have decided that in order for me to truly move on I have to forgive myself for what I did, and also forgive him. Choosing to hold all this anger towards him is only going to tie me to him inderectly and I truly want to move past this whole experience and be 100% myself again. I feel like I am 3/4 there, forgiving I think is my last step towards recovering. It is also the closure I need take control of me again.

 

I have come to the conclusion and especially given an email I received after my last talk with this man, that he did truly love me. That the feelings he developed for me were real and that it wasn't ALL a lie. I know he lied considerably to both myself and his W in order to manage the situation he had gotten himself in but I want to believe he never wanted to hurt either one of us, I don't think he is as rotten a man as I once thought. I came to the very important realisation that the way he was choosing to do things, which was after he had met me he was going to file for divorce not giving his marriage a fair chance to work out their problems was not a fair way to end things with his W given everything they had shared together. He owes it to her, to the love he once had for her and to the commitment he made to their vows of marriage to not leave the marriage in a way that was escaping one bad situation to start another.

 

I choose to forgive his promises that never came to fruition, I choose to forgive all the lies he had to tell me in order to go back to face his true responisbility, his marriage and his W. But most importantly I choose to believe that what we lived was not a lie, I know for a fact that he had true feelings for me, he was just not in any place to make the types of promises he made to me and he could not leave his marriage with a simple "I can't do this anymore I want a divorce" By doing this I also take responsibility for my own doing and for my own pain, I also choose to forgive myself for commiting a mistake that would cost me my heart.

 

I feel confident I can only go up from here...

[OpenBook]

Tomcat, you're MUCH better off without him!!

[9Lives]

Tomcat33

 

I know exactly what you are saying. My xmm has been good to me. That is what makes it sooooo hard.

 

But I want the whole pie. Plain and simple.

[Tomcat33]

Blech

Tomcat, you're MUCH better off without him!!

 

Why blech? LOL

[OpenBook]

Why blech? LOL

 

As they say in Texas, "He's all hat and no cattle."

 

Time to spit out THAT hairball.

[Tomcat33]

Tomcat33

 

I know exactly what you are saying. My xmm has been good to me. That is what makes it sooooo hard.

 

But I want the whole pie. Plain and simple.

 

 

Oh I here you loud and clear 9L so did I. I never settled for being the OW which is why I did not date him or get intimate with him until a few months after he moved out to live on his own. BUT I still think it was unfair of me to want to pick up with our rel. when he really owed his marriage a proper closure, if that was even to happen...being in the situation and blinded by love and my own needs I failed to see how wrong we were going about things...now that I have clarity I can recognize this.

But this is also why I completely extracted myself from his life in every way, he still tries to contact me even after I confronted his W the last time he had come to see me but I am sticking to my end of the deal as far as doing things right I cannot control his actions I can only control my own. I am strict NC and moving.

 

I do think it's valid to take responsibility in my wrong doings it helps me work through my own issues with the whole situation.

 

I was just not cut out to wait for someone to be completely free even if in heart and presence he was with me 100%, on paper he wasn't. It''s def back to basics for me, I will always want and won't settle for less than a man who is 100% free from the get-go.

[9Lives]

Tomcat

 

They are right. You really and truly are. We both are.

Flip the script on his a/ss and start dating. meet new men.

I bet his a/ss will start really thinking then.

 

Dont be a wimp ALL your life

[Tomcat33]

As they say in Texas, "He's all hat and no cattle."

 

Time to spit out THAT hairball.

 

 

:laugh: great quote...if the hat fits.....

 

I do think he could be a case of having fallen for two women for entirely different reasons, it can happen that someone loves or thinks they love two people at the same time. BUT that's not really my problem anymore, unfortunately if that is the case it is his cross to bear..

[Tomcat33]

Tomcat

 

They are right. You really and truly are. We both are.

Flip the script on his a/ss and start dating. meet new men.

I bet his a/ss will start really thinking then.

 

Dont be a wimp ALL your life

 

 

Oh if there is one thing I am not is a wimp!!

 

I am at an age where I want to go into my next rel with the best foot forward, no more wasting time, so in order to that I want to be sound of mind and heart to offer my best. I just need some alone time recaliber myself. I usually function better if I don't jump right in to something right away.

[9Lives]

I know what you mean.

 

He sent me a text a few minutes asking me to go out of town with him for his birthday this weekend. TEMPTING!!!!!!!

 

HELP YALL....I WANT IT....HELP!!!!!

[Tomcat33]

I know what you mean.

 

He sent me a text a few minutes asking me to go out of town with him for his birthday this weekend. TEMPTING!!!!!!!

 

HELP YALL....I WANT IT....HELP!!!!!

 

 

You will totally regret it, and all for a few moments of phoney happiness. Look at the big picture it will only set you back. be strong and close the door!!!

[OpenBook]

I know what you mean.

 

He sent me a text a few minutes asking me to go out of town with him for his birthday this weekend. TEMPTING!!!!!!!

 

HELP YALL....I WANT IT....HELP!!!!!

 

Picture what would happen AFTER the weekend. How he will walk off with a smile and cake all over his face. While you're left feeling empty again. DON'T GIVE IT UP. Take back your power.

[9Lives]

OMG!!!!

 

okay, okay, okay...this is hard ...you are right

[Trimmer]

I know what you mean.

 

He sent me a text a few minutes asking me to go out of town with him for his birthday this weekend. TEMPTING!!!!!!!

 

HELP YALL....I WANT IT....HELP!!!!!

9Lives - go back and carefully read the first post in this thread. The person who wrote that post had some good insights that might help you... Be strong.

[9Lives]

Trimmer

 

That person was me!!!! I will tell yall this. I see this whole thing differently now because of what I wrote. Meaning that I know I cant be involve with him anymore.

 

His spell is broken!!

[PoshPrincess]

Trimmer

 

That person was me!!!! I will tell yall this. I see this whole thing differently now because of what I wrote. Meaning that I know I cant be involve with him anymore.

 

His spell is broken!!

 

Good for you 9Lives. DO NOT go there again, however tempting his offer is. I made the biggest mistake ever by doing that with my now exMM. I had done almost a week of NC (at the time, the longest ever) and he called me begging to see me that Friday and that his W was away so he could spend a whole night with me!!!! Of course, I gave in (it was an opportunity I thought I couldn't pass up) and we had sex for the first (and last - we had been together for 7 months at this point) time. THAT is the thing I regret more than anything because if it weren't for that night we never would've slept together and I would've at least been able to walk away with a TINY bit of self-respect. God, it still makes me angry thinking about it now and it was over a year ago!!!!!!

 

You were doing so well 9Lives so keep up the good work!

[Onelife]

This post is very interesting to me and it sums up quite nicely a lot of the emotions that I am dealing with in the whole break-up process.

 

I have changed some of my views as of lately and thanks to speaking to him last week. It made me realise that sometimes what we don't see and make up in our heads to be this completely sad scenario that leaves us as the OW out in the cold, is sometimes not as we imagine it. He expressed the torment he is now left to live with, due to the fact that he has to face up to his marriage to try to work things out but is left with the aftermath of all the strong emotions he still feels for me, a reminder of us that is not going to disappear anytime soon and is making his daily struggle that much more intense. I feel for him because he has a lot of work ahead of him and at the end of the day he treated me like GOLD, I really cannot complain about how much love he gave me how accomodating he was to me and how caring he was. He did the best he could given how bad the situation was.

 

I have decided that in order for me to truly move on I have to forgive myself for what I did, and also forgive him. Choosing to hold all this anger towards him is only going to tie me to him inderectly and I truly want to move past this whole experience and be 100% myself again. I feel like I am 3/4 there, forgiving I think is my last step towards recovering. It is also the closure I need take control of me again.

 

I have come to the conclusion and especially given an email I received after my last talk with this man, that he did truly love me. That the feelings he developed for me were real and that it wasn't ALL a lie. I know he lied considerably to both myself and his W in order to manage the situation he had gotten himself in but I want to believe he never wanted to hurt either one of us, I don't think he is as rotten a man as I once thought. I came to the very important realisation that the way he was choosing to do things, which was after he had met me he was going to file for divorce not giving his marriage a fair chance to work out their problems was not a fair way to end things with his W given everything they had shared together. He owes it to her, to the love he once had for her and to the commitment he made to their vows of marriage to not leave the marriage in a way that was escaping one bad situation to start another.

 

I choose to forgive his promises that never came to fruition, I choose to forgive all the lies he had to tell me in order to go back to face his true responisbility, his marriage and his W. But most importantly I choose to believe that what we lived was not a lie, I know for a fact that he had true feelings for me, he was just not in any place to make the types of promises he made to me and he could not leave his marriage with a simple "I can't do this anymore I want a divorce" By doing this I also take responsibility for my own doing and for my own pain, I also choose to forgive myself for commiting a mistake that would cost me my heart.

 

I feel confident I can only go up from here...

 

Wow I really don't know how to start this.... As I read this thread and all the post from you guys, I swear that it gives me a thrill. I thought I was reading my own thoughts!!! Thank you guys, it's wonderful to feel that I am not alone. You all express it so very very well. I don't know whether to smile because I couldn't agree more or to cry because we all share this painful experience that costs us our hearts.

 

By all mean, "Cheers!" to us all who have weathered this storm! Let's start moving towards (or keep going forward for those who already have done so) the goal to come out much better off and be 100% ourselves (or better) again!

 

Me too, feel confident I can only go up from here.

[Onelife]

PoshPrincess, I am sorry that you feel bad about what happened. If it helps, just think about it as a hard lesson learned(again...caused us our hearts!) and take all that into account...it is what makes you a much stronger person the way you are now! And like Tomcat said you will only go up from here. I like that saying!!!