stop me from using the phone....

[Melovator]

Warning Long Rambly Post: But what else is new?

 

MAmmax

That's where I am with dating, thinking about it. I need to do research I feel like Little Red Riding Hood walking off into the forest. I am clueless. Completely. Apart from X (and 3 teen two month wonder boyfriends) I've only ever been friends with blokes, that's what I'm sticking with for the moment. I'm getting no wild ideas about nothing.

 

I am adding activities, much easier to do now that the weather is getting better, to meet people, widen my social network, but I am not looking to meet a man. If that makes sense. Just to get out and about.

 

Know I've got work to do on myself though, and confidence is key! I'm the same size I was when I started out with X now but all squishy due to intervening massive weight gain/ loss and baby. Pilates- its good for me I know but sometimes I think its going to kill me! I can't get to a gym with creche near here so I have work out DVD's- I have this Kickboxing bootcamp one, sometimes I think 'I can't get through this' but its so satisfying to beat the cr@p out of nothing... am thinking of getting a punching bag though!

 

FIGJAM: f**k I'm Good Just Ask Me! Accompanying sound track:

 

And for the blokes who like 'em when they're trouble...

 

Am not sleeping with X its been made clear- he still describes himself as 'confused', that's fine he can be confused all he wants, I'm not wanting anything from him. And I don't want confusion anymore, or at least if I'm hacking my way through the jungle of life I don't want him popping up every few minutes trying to bend me over a fallen tree.

 

Not that I don't find him sexy, I do, and he has this tone of voice that just thinking about gives me shivers and he knows how to work it on me and he does smell so good... but no more, celibacy it is... though does it still count as celibacy when you intend to read porn and buy a new vibrator????

 

Gunny:

I lived by myself for two years between share houses while a student, a divey little flat convenient to public transport. That two years by myself was tough but I enjoyed it and that's why it never bothered me that X worked so much, I wasn't like a lot of female friends who hate to be alone, I can always find something to do and enjoy doing it. What I find interesting is that being on my own I'm using evening time productively again, not just waiting around for X to get his @ss home from work, or not.

 

I read, write, am currently making an art-work for my lounge room- its not a masterpiece, but worked out that with my budget it was cheaper to try and DIY it- love home decorating magazines! I'm trying to challenge myself in even just a small way each day, at this stage I'm like: "It's marathon, there's no sprint and sit down at the side of the road you just have to keep going and if your losing rhythm then slow down a little and adjust your stride before picking up the pace again." or something like that.

 

 

Scaggle:

My birthday was weird because I was sitting with my two best friends (first time the 3 of us were together without children in over 2 years!) and for the first time ever I'm the smallest of us and we were at a pub I like and all of a sudden I was aware of something... I was catching male gaze... me huh? I've always been the wing grrl... I was looking very hot though, killer dress shorter than anything I've worn well ever... and then cut low in the front... this is the cool the thing... my boobs haven't really changed size that much with the weight loss so they look humungous in any bra that has a whiff of push up! Boobelicious! But I hadn't bought this dress to attract male gaze, I was more interested in getting my friends to compliment me because they know about ALL the work that's gone into it! Do guys notice how nice your eye makeup is looking?

 

My friends took the opportunity to play good cop/ bad cop on me- interesting how the social worker plays bad cop so well... I could tell they'd been talking about me, trying to assess my mental state. They expressed amazement at my strength- and I said that I'd decided from the beginning that if X and I didn't get through, I was going to get through, that my son was/is my first priority, and that I didn't want to be bitter. Everything else comes from that.

 

Everyone's been telling me the first six months are the worst and I was like "well I'm not just going to hang around waiting for it." so I've been doing stuff and its all coming together and starting to create its own momentum, have its own substance. So I have just have to keep doing all the little things I'm doing and that are working.

 

I have a recipe for Lemon Bundt Cake I'm trying to perfect- here have a slice- its only a little burnt you can scrape it off and eat around it!

____

 

Its amazing though how things pop up mentally from the subconcious, forgotten habits, ways of thinking etc etc. Its like as you clear the great mess of long weeds, all the little ones sprout forth... stupid subconcious.

 

I've been pre-menstrual and so angry- angry at X's stupidity and short sightedness, at his weakness and cowardice. But he has his own lessons to learn in his own way and I have mine. That's what I keep telling myself to try and feel all zen and compassionate and "I pity the fool" but when that doesn't work I put on the kick boxing DVD and imagine punching, jabbing, hooking and uppercutting his ass! I'm too tired to be angry after that and have pretty much done a stellar job of keeping my annoyance with X down to little more than occassional snootiness!

 

He persists in thinking that my universe revolves around him... he ain't my sun, he's lucky if he's uranus... I did actually say to him "I hate to be rude but nothing I do is about you anymore ok?" Left him gob smacked for a moment but then it was like he couldn't comprehend so he just shook his head and kept going with what he was talking about.

 

That's pretty much it with X- he's clueless, for a multiplicity of reasons that don't really matter he's an idiot, but its his problem not mine. My problem is being the best me I can be! And I don't need X or anyone else to say they love me I paid $15 and downloaded Louise Hay to my ipod- now any time I want I can hear some woman with a lovely voice tell me how valuable I am and how she loves me (why wouldn't she- she has my $15!).

 

Sorry about length, Sunday nights dispose one to wordiness.

[Melovator]

I've just been ANGRY for the last few days- yes hormonal, but really, really pissed off all the time.

 

I actually found myself pondering revenge on X, my list was as follows:

- Pay someone to smear him with dog poo.

- Hide his Star Wars Figurines until our son is 21 and then give them to our son with love from 'dad'.

- Sell his 80's metal Transformers huge truck thing- which still has the box- because get this! He would take it out of the box, play with it and then put it back in the box! What sort of child does that???

- Let my sister and cousin key his car like they want to- but what's point he's such a bad driver both sides have massive dents and scratches already from all his mishaps.

 

Then I realised 1) I suck at revenge because I don't really believe in it as a concept because 2) Karma gets everyone in the end- just as I had this thought I walked past a shop with a bumper sticker about Karma- so I bought it and stuck it on the car- it will irk X off massively and that's as close to revenge as I get. He hates stickers on cars as a general rule and most especially not on his pride and joy which I drive because the other car is a piece of cr@p- the car is referred to as 'son's car' as in whoever has son has the car- hence most of the time I have it!!! :cool:

 

I just don't understand how, hormones aside, I can be... not good but feeling fine and positive and "yeah X is a sh*t but that's his problem" and then all of a sudden I'm so bloody angry I want to beat the sh*t out of him- and its not like he's been extra special f**ktardy just his usual level of f**ktardedness and there's more drama with scrog girl's ex-bestie- nothing involving me this time thank god! I'm done with the drama!

 

Just don't really know how to deal with anger- I hate being angry. I find myself throwing toddler tamtrums after my son has gone to sleep just to try and relieve the tension- ie jumping up and down and yelling "F**ktard!" over and over again. I do feel better but then it comes back after a while.

[Ladyjane14]

If I had to hazard a guess, Mel... I'd say you're still emotionally invested and maybe you haven't REALLY let this guy go. I think if you root around a bit, you might find a bit of lurking hope that things are going to somehow pan out between the two of you.

[Melovator]

You're LJ- but when aren't you? I need to keep ignoring his push-pull behaviour, his rapid about changes in mood and tone. He got what he thought he wanted it wasn't me, and I have to tell myself that there is no realistic way I could take him back if he did express such a desire. This drama with scrog gal's ex-bestie is a good thing- it will hopefully draw them together such that he'll stop his confusing behaviour towards me and allow me time to firm up the emotional barriers he slips through so easily.

[Gunny376]

You should go down to the "Marine Barracks" at the Capital and hire your azz a 20 somthing buff United StatesMarine and parade his ass around town in his "Dress Blues" in front of God and everybody!

 

The best time to do it? Nov 10th! The "Marine Corps" Birthday! Big celebration! The Prom! The "Homecoming" Dance!

 

Really! This is a "Big-To-Do" in the Marine Corps! The Marine Corps Birthday is celebrated everywhere, worldwide! Its Christmas, Thanksgiving, VE, VJ day, New Years, and your Birthday all wrapped into one!

 

You want to have a really GOOD time? Call the Marine house in the Capitol!

[Melovator]

hire your azz a 20 somthing buff United StatesMarine and parade his ass around town in his "Dress Blues" in front of God and everybody!

 

 

I don't think I'd know what to do with him at this stage other than parade him around! :eek:

 

I want change and I want it NOW! I am impatient with being stuck in first gear. I'm making all these small changes and giving myself small challenges, and am trying to find ways to extend 'fear' boundaries all the time.

 

I want that feeling in my gut that its done, but its ephemeral, like a small baby sleeping through the night, it comes once and then doesn't come again for a while. The continuing inconsistency in X's state doesn't help- he tugs at me then says he's 'confused' and everytime he says that there's this little voice in my head going "Because you're doing the wrong thing."

 

I want to be at a place where he might be doing the wrong thing by himself but its the right thing for me. It's like I want the future now, to be at a place where not being with him is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

I don't know why I'm so impatient, I'm the sort of person who can happily amuse herself in airport terminals and doctor's offices if she has to. It's probably just because I'm chockers with snot and feeling miserable sick. Should just pull my head outta my @ss. He's a jerk, I'm fabulous. End of story.

[Gunny376]

United States Marines are great at Drill!

 

Try the following commands!

 

"Aaaatttentionupt!"

 

"STAND and DELIVER!"

 

(Said with force of command voice ~ of course!)

[Ladyjane14]

This drama with scrog gal's ex-bestie is a good thing- it will hopefully draw them together such that he'll stop his confusing behaviour towards me and allow me time to firm up the emotional barriers he slips through so easily.

 

You say that like he's got a choice or something.

 

When YOU get tired of his "confusing behavior", it's GAME OVER, right? With rare exception, people treat you like you let them. This guy wanders in and out of your life aimlessly... because you are letting him.

 

In the back of your mind somewhere, you're still hoping he pulls his head out of his ass and realizes he gave up a good thing. Now, whether that means underneath it all you want him back like he was before he went all "f*cktardy" (love that word, btw.. very apropos ), or whether it only means that you want the satisfaction of seeing him regret his treatment of you is a question only you can answer.

 

 

 

He's a jerk, I'm fabulous. End of story.

 

EXACTLY.

[Melovator]

You say that like he's got a choice or something.

 

When YOU get tired of his "confusing behavior", it's GAME OVER, right? With rare exception, people treat you like you let them. This guy wanders in and out of your life aimlessly... because you are letting him.

 

That's right I do let him because I'm having trouble drawing boundaries- I want to maintain friendly interactions with him for our son and because of his family, who I love and because, quite frankly, I get some minor satisfaction in not giving him any ammunition to justify his f**ktardiness. Which is something I've seen alot of guys do- cheat and then when she goes nutso say 'See- there's why! She's crazy!'

 

I get major unsatisfaction everytime he crosses an emotional line though. I keep the conversation on our son and then finances, he's the one who wants to talk personal cr@p. I think I have to get rude about it though, instead of trying to be polite. I might start carrying a red bit of cardboard around and every time he starts I can pull it out and go "My game my rules, you're red carded- now shut up."

 

In the back of your mind somewhere, you're still hoping he pulls his head out of his ass and realizes he gave up a good thing. Now, whether that means underneath it all you want him back like he was before he went all "f*cktardy" (love that word, btw.. very apropos ), or whether it only means that you want the satisfaction of seeing him regret his treatment of you is a question only you can answer.

EXACTLY.

 

I have enough ego to freely admit that it would be nice to be acknowledged as the superior product, but I also know that him telling me that isn't going to mean a damn thing because it would just be stating the blindingly obvious. Its not like I need someone to tell me the sun rises from the east each morning is it?

 

Do I want 'pre-f**ktardy' him back? No, because I don't worship him as god anymore. I would not want to be the naive, trusting, accepting-of- whatever-he-tells-me idiot that I was.

 

Do I want to see him regret his treatment of me? Yes, can't deny it. But if he never does then that's on his soul not mine, I'm not waiting for it to happen and even if he expressed such sentiment in the future it wouldn't change anything that has happened.

 

What I really want is for him to see just how majorly he shortchanged his son, sadly for our son I don't think he will. But I can't let my anger over that interfere with his relationship with his son.

 

And the anger is mostly at myself, that I failed my son by not picking the right father, that I should have seen somehow that X was not up to the task of actually being a grown up, that he is too worried about what other people think of him, too vain, too self-centred, too shallow, too wrapped up in finding happiness in other people and things to be any kind of partner or father.

 

I don't want to live life on the level he's at now. I want more than bling and flash and 'being cool', I want a life of meaning. I want more than a hollow shell of an existence that depends on accoutrements for happiness.

 

We are incompatible: He's into Frank, I think Deano is the greatest.

 

He can't ever be what I want a life partner to be, he's not that person he pretended he was for so long and who he plays at being every now and then. He is a man without substance who's just very capable at putting on a good show.

 

F**ktard is one of my sister's word's- I can't claim credit for it, though I'd like to.

[mourningMM]

As I read through your thread how many of the emotions I had, and obstacles I faced with my X are similar to yours.

 

Except I never left...I kept hoping for years he'd realize his mistake. He never did because he was never the man I thought he was. If he had been capable of recognizing a mistake, he never would have made one in the first place.

 

Some words to you learned through painful experience; words about my x that may be useful for you.

 

• Absolutely no concept of boundaries, in words or actions...he would take a bite of my food, touch me, whisper in my ear, say we. He did not have enough depth to understand that those are intimate behaviors; so to him it was just habbit.
  
• Completely self-involved, no viewpoint but his own. He even used to make fun calling my thoughts "illogical girl-logic" and dismissing them as beneath notice. He was so skewed that the idea a divorce might hurt the kids made no sense to him; if he was unhappy in the marriage then the best thing for everyone in his world was if he left.
  
• Incredibly manipulative, twisting words and situations to play on my sadness and hope, to gain concessions out of me in the separation agreement. I signed away my rights because he claimed if I didn't he wouldn't be able to trust me.
  
• Amazingly innocent, all of the emotions that I had were just the product of hormones; in his mind they had nothing to do with him. Of course he was with the "friend" he swore he never had an affair with; gave her all of the things he'd promised to me "when the ship came in" and left me; and destroyed my self-esteme and health by being the catalyst for panic attacks, anxiety, and depression; those facts did not give me any reason for nights of sleeplessness, perpetual anger and tears.
  
• Sadly co-parenting, for the rest of our children's lives will require contact, and a business-like relationship. He still tries to use his 'charm' and controlling tactics to mow me over, never realizing that I see him for the azz he is.
  

 

Thinking about it, all of those years I covered for him with the kids and other people gave him the ability to believe his own bullsh*t. Now everyone can see him for what he is...and I have to be honest and see it too.

 

I believe there was more to him, that he was a pond of still water that ran deep; instead he is a puddle that has a good reflection. While I was in front of him, he reflected my best characteristics back at me...

 

Actually, he isn't reall y even a puddle, he is about as deep as a piece of aluminum foil.

 

I hope it doesn't take you too long to heal, and to stop hoping for something that he most probably has never been capable of giving.

[Melovator]

Whatever X is or isn't as a person. It doesn't matter. What matters is who I am as a person and having diffused my anger with a guided meditation (getting very fond of the things- they work for me.), a good cry and some painting, I'm feeling better about myself.

 

I guess emotions will just keep coming up, I'll deal with one issue and another will rear its head. Its to be expected, just because I feel better emotionally, doesn't mean I am all better. That will take me a while and I just have to keep working at it. Being physically sick didn't help, and not having slept properly for a couple of weeks because my son has been sick didn't help either.

 

I've got a great life already, it can only get better really. I've got so much stuff to look forward to: like golf lessons! I'm all signed up through the local adult education, two weeks to go! And I've joined the professional organisation relevant to my work and am going to partake in that most excrucriating of tasks for me- networking. Got to clean up my garden before bushfire season- its coming early this year they say- then it'll be all ready for a summer of fun!

 

And I have a beautiful, georgous son- what more could I want really? I've got it all, I don't need anything else but time and patience with myself.

 

'Just keep swimming'- I wonder how single parents Dory has kept going???

[Gunny376]

Having been through a lot of "un-justifable" crap in my life?

 

Doesn't mean a "thing"!

 

All that matters?

 

Is what are you're going to do about it!

 

How your azz got here? DOESN'T matter!

 

What matters? Is how your going to deal with it!

 

In the END?

 

Suck it up and DO the BEST THAT you can! And that's ALL that you can do!

[Melovator]

After another 'arghhh' session with X over his inability to understand boundaries. I ended up writing X a letter basically laying out a blueprint for our interactions as co-parents and all was going well, until scrog-gal's ex-bestie decided to ramp up the drama, involve scrog-gal's ex and try to suck me in too.

 

Uh-uh, not this girl, I'm steering well clear- they want to behave like idiots-let them. X is now of the opinion that scrog-gal's ex sent me those emails and was basically prepared to rip his head off. (This is after going so far as to suggest that my sister might have sent them to me and accusing me of being in league with the drama-queens!)

 

I told him to calm down that the whole point was to cause drama and upsettedness and that he was just giving them what they want. That he couldn't control their actions but he could control his reaction, he was nearly in tears at one point, and kept going on about how he felt like every time he was getting on top of his life something else happened. So then I'm having to say to him "Well you've told me you've achieved a lot recently you shouldn't let this distract from that." (At one point I did say to him "Don't expect me to feel sorry for you or her." I'm not THAT nice.)

 

I found it ironic that I was having to tell X to think about the drama in the same way I tell myself to think about him. It also pisses me off that I have to say these things... isn't that what scrog-gal should be doing? And if she is; why is relying on my f**king reassurances?? (found out she got botox in Bali- so tacky the botox and Bali- does this woman have any original thought?? Doesn't matter...)

 

ALL his sh*t is now in the shed and I'm currently sitting in my brand new home office/ study which occupies the place formerly filled with boxes of his books. Apparently he'll 'have a place in November'- when did I start this thread? June? Taken him long enough. I presume that's when all details from her divorce are final. I don't give a cr@p. He was going to leave his freaking passport here for me to look after, "I'm not flying out of the country anytime soon!" I replied "Well now if you want you can fly to Bali at a moment's notice and get some botox." (Couldn't help myself.)

 

Went and saw my psychologist today- hadn't seen him for like 6-7 weeks- I think he, my psych, doesn't quite understand why I'm paying money to see him. In fact today he wrote down the name of a Hypnotherapy CD I mentioned to see if it would be any good for any of his other clients. Basically I see him as a personal trainer for mental health... I've still got to do the work... but its nice to have a professional tell you that you're making progress and offer suggestions.

 

Despite my decision on sexual abstinence for a period of time, I did let my sister talk me into putting a profile on an internet dating site- her theory, which my psych backed up when I discussed it with him, was that its a good way to 'ease' into dating. I said to him its nice in theory but the 2 times I've been on I've been bombarded with IM's from desperate men who want me to 'make them happy' and have a shopping list of how I could do that for them!

 

Yeah have fun with that approach fellas- I used that quote from Abe Lincoln that Gunny quotes on them and told them that if they hadn't made their minds up to be happy by this time in their lives that there was no way I could make them happy. Another guy gave me his phone number in the first line of IM'ing and told me to call him- I sent him my email and told him to write me first. Oh and the best one of all was the guy who said "I suppose I could start a relationship out as friends..."

 

On the other hand looking at the pool of women I'm essentially 'competing' for notice with is really good for my self esteem. Needy, needy, needy! Bad pictures, poorly written profiles, and every bugger is looking for a 'soul mate', 'perfect love', 'someone to complete me'- :rolleyes:

 

I really can't see myself meeting anyone on the internet... I know people do all the time but... not me I think. And I've got better things to think about than dating anyway, when it happens, or when I really want it to happen it will.

 

I am a bit f**ked off about the drama, but I think I'm actually f**ked off about being F**ked off about it- cause as I keep telling myself "Is this my issue? no."

[Gunny376]

Its been my general experience over the years that whatever you're going through? Will soon pass! And that's it not worth worrying about?

 

And that yes! People are about as happy as they make their minds up to be!

 

One's happiness in life isn't determined by another but by one's self! You're the one that's in charge of that department! You and you alone!

 

You've really only two things to worry about? Wheather your @ss is healthy or sick? If your healthy? You've got nothing to worry about! But if your @ss is sick? You've still only two things to worry about?

 

Wheather your @ss is going to live or die?

 

If your @ss lives? You don't have anything to worry about! But if your @ss dies? Then you've still only two things to worry about? Wheather your @ss goes to Hell or to Heaven? If your @ss goes to Heaven? You don't have anything to worry about!

 

And if your @ss goes to Hell? HELL! It won't matter! You'll be too busy saying Hello to all of your friends!

 

But seriously Mel?

 

You sound like me anymore? Me? I'm not looking for marriage, true love, etc? Its going to have to find me!

Because I'm not looking for it!

 

 

I'm not looking for someone to complete me? I'm looking for someone that can compliment me! (LOL ~ maybe just someone that can put up with my @ss! )

 

I'm looking for someone that can and will laugh at me and with me about dumb @ss! Who can and will laugh and smile as we go through this crazy thing called "Life"

 

Who works to live, and not live to work!

 

Your well on your way ~ to living a good life!

 

Just keep ~ keeping it real!

 

Now get your @ss out there and rub a little sunshine and a smile on your face! and don't forget to put tha' Rayban's on! (Don't forget? Sometimes! Life's just too ridiculious to live! Sometimes? You've just got to say? "WTF!" and laugh at your silly @ss!)

[Ladyjane14]

I told him to calm down that the whole point was to cause drama and upsettedness and that he was just giving them what they want. That he couldn't control their actions but he could control his reaction, he was nearly in tears at one point, and kept going on about how he felt like every time he was getting on top of his life something else happened. So then I'm having to say to him "Well you've told me you've achieved a lot recently you shouldn't let this distract from that." (At one point I did say to him "Don't expect me to feel sorry for you or her." I'm not THAT nice.)

 

I found it ironic that I was having to tell X to think about the drama in the same way I tell myself to think about him. It also pisses me off that I have to say these things... isn't that what scrog-gal should be doing? And if she is; why is relying on my f**king reassurances??

 

Boundaries aren't boundaries, Mel, unless you're willing to ENFORCE them.

 

He brings all his tawdry sh*t into the peace of your home like so much mud on his boots because you let him. You already know that, honey. {{{hugs}}}

 

I think you're wanting to stay in the information loop, and even though it's natural to want to know what he's up to... by giving in to that urge, you tacitly authorize his affair relationship because he's free to talk about it with you. He's normalizing it at your expense.

 

So he's getting more out of the interaction than you are. You get a little bit of superfluous data, he gets comforted and cosseted, provided with a soft place to fall when his poor little pea-brain is troubled.

 

Next time he does it, why not look him right in the eye and tell him that you're not his agony aunt and you don't give a rat's hind-leg about his skeezie girlfriend, the drama he has with her, or anything else to do with his personal life. Then, tell him you've got things to do and he needs leave for awhile. After you've tossed him the f*ck out a few times, he'll have no choice but to eventually learn some proper manners if he wants to speak with you at all.

 

I know it's hard. But you're not going to want this guy up your butt all the time once you've truly moved on. If you don't set limits now, it's going to be all the harder to set them later.

[mammax3]

Hi Mel. I was wondering how you're doing. It's funny the way the sh*t comes in waves, eh? Whether it's being looked for or not.

 

I agree with LJ (when don't I??!). It sounds like you already knew that you'd regret comforting him, but you did it anyway since you're such a terrific gal and you know him so well. And it must feel good to have him coming to you, continuing the roles the pair of you had set up for years. (I did the same, reminding him to call his mother etc)... That isn't 'doing business' - only in regards to your son's care should you be interacting with him. Sort of a NC with child, if you know what I mean.

 

It must be hard to set the limits while he keeps asking for more. And how crazy that he's got that scrog-girl, and yet continues to knock on your back door. That relationship (as if you needed any proof) is already doomed - and you need to be as far from that catastrophe as you can. RUN! Lol! Our ex's shenanigins are as polar as you and I are geographically. He has removed himself from our life so completely, I'm rarely touched by his presence on earth (save the finances). You're doing an awesome job of trying to extricate yourself from him - it must be tough. Keep in mind what LJ said. You determine how involved you are. Just because he comes knocking, doesn't mean you have to unlock the chain. Talk through the door if you feel yourself softening.

 

((hugs))

[Melovator]

Your well on your way ~ to living a good life!

 

Just keep ~ keeping it real!

 

Now get your @ss out there and rub a little sunshine and a smile on your face! and don't forget to put tha' Rayban's on! (Don't forget? Sometimes! Life's just too ridiculious to live! Sometimes? You've just got to say? "WTF!" and laugh at your silly @ss!)

 

I think I've got a pretty good life now, I laugh at myself all the time and the silly things I do to get through this I mean how silly is it that a grown woman has to stand in front of the mirror each morning and repeat 20 times: I am strong, I am powerful, and I am loving; just so she won't cry over some f**ktard?

 

Boundaries aren't boundaries, Mel, unless you're willing to ENFORCE them.

 

He brings all his tawdry sh*t into the peace of your home like so much mud on his boots because you let him. You already know that, honey. {{{hugs}}}

 

I think you're wanting to stay in the information loop, and even though it's natural to want to know what he's up to... by giving in to that urge, you tacitly authorize his affair relationship because he's free to talk about it with you. He's normalizing it at your expense.

 

So he's getting more out of the interaction than you are. You get a little bit of superfluous data, he gets comforted and cosseted, provided with a soft place to fall when his poor little pea-brain is troubled.

 

Next time he does it, why not look him right in the eye and tell him that you're not his agony aunt and you don't give a rat's hind-leg about his skeezie girlfriend, the drama he has with her, or anything else to do with his personal life. Then, tell him you've got things to do and he needs leave for awhile. After you've tossed him the f*ck out a few times, he'll have no choice but to eventually learn some proper manners if he wants to speak with you at all.

 

I know it's hard. But you're not going to want this guy up your butt all the time once you've truly moved on. If you don't set limits now, it's going to be all the harder to set them later.

 

As always LJ you are right- my biggest problem is that my nature, training and vocation all lead me to want to help people in emotional distress, and I find it difficult to say "F-off and die now pond scum."

 

He said that apart from scrog-gal I was the one he talked most about his feelings with and I said "Well that's actually really sad for you because you pretty much stopped talking about your feelings to me when I got pregnant."

 

I don't ask or seek info about his personal life- it seems to come to me and I've stopped talking to a lot of people who'd like to tell me all about it. I got drawn in because he was accusing my sister and I of all sorts of things and I wanted to know what the f**k was being said. Basically people are talking out of their @sses and taking some things I've said out of context, putting them together with things other people have said and then making stuff up.

 

As I said to X if I wanted to make his life a misery and cause drama I can think of better ways to bloody do it, but that I'd made a decision that one of us needed to be an adult for our son, and that karma would get his @ss in the end.

 

Because it involves people in his profession he was going off about his professional reputation and how if he had to move interstate because he couldn't work here then there'd be a giant custody battle. He gets upset, he drags that out to upset me- rather than getting upset back this time I informed him he was talking out of his @ss.

 

There's no way the family court is going to give full residency to him because well, its not like he's ever done more than 5% of the parenting load, and if he moved interstate that would be his decision, not mine and the courts do take that sort of thing into account and finally how did he think it would look if HIS MOTHER gave evidence on my behalf which is what would happen if X tried to take her darling grandson away from me even if X wasn't leaving the state. Even decided to be more of an a-hole now the absolute best he could hope for is shared care 50-50, and that would be if he made it a big fight, got an interstate QC, and I had to represent myself. F**ktard.

 

Here's just some of the questions that would f**k his chances over: "So Mr X: how many hours a day do you spend working? And that's on weekends too? And just how do you propose to care for your son while you're working these hours? And just how many parenting books have you read? Just the one? And what's the name of your son's primary carer at childcare?"

 

I've had enough of him and this situation. He can truly just fark orf. Next time he has an emotional melt-down I'll give him the number for Lifeline and 40 cents and tell him to call someone who wants to care. Because I don't want to care.

 

That relationship (as if you needed any proof) is already doomed - and you need to be as far from that catastrophe as you can. RUN! Lol! Our ex's shenanigins are as polar as you and I are geographically. He has removed himself from our life so completely, I'm rarely touched by his presence on earth (save the finances). You're doing an awesome job of trying to extricate yourself from him - it must be tough. Keep in mind what LJ said. You determine how involved you are. Just because he comes knocking, doesn't mean you have to unlock the chain. Talk through the door if you feel yourself softening.

 

((hugs))

 

Oh, I know him and Scrog-gal are doomed and the more I've found out the clearer it becomes to me, but that's his problem, not mine and that's why I've stopped people from talking to me about it because ITS NOT MY PROBLEM. Sometimes Mamma I wish X was like your ex, then I wouldn't have to have him in my face all the time, I wouldn't have to see his emotions and be affected by them. It was only because I wanted to know what was being said about me and what I/ my sister was supposed to have said that I ended up comforting him. Idiot that I am!

 

My Psych was concerned that the regime of phonecalls I have set up was perhaps a bit too much contact: SMS in the morning to let X know how Son's night was and what mood he's in (e.g. Son had good night, in a great mood, or, son had bad night and is in little emperor mood), one phone call during the day from him to see how son is, two if son is sick and then another SMS at night once son has gone to bed.

 

But X is my son's father, he does love him and is interested. And I don't want any accusations of parental alienation (ie that I'm trying to keep his son away from him or trying to turn our son against X) down the line. Though I had noticed that prior to this week's drama, that it was clear X doesn't like it when I end the phone calls once the son report has been given but he wasn't trying to keep me on the phone anymore.

 

My son deserves to have his father in his life, and even if my opinion is X is undeserving of having his son in his life that doesn't matter, its about my sons' best interests, not my feelings. I've bought some books about co-parenting after separation, X has undertaken to actually read them though he had to be a d*ck and say 'hopefully this will get our relationship back on an even keel." to which I replied "We don't have a relationship, we share responsibility for one small boy who deserves the best of us and not the worst and that involves you and I having an ongoing discussion about him but not anything else." He went to say something and I just walked away while his mouth flapped like a fish's.

 

I'll just keep doing that- walking away- it pisses X off immensely when I do it but that's his problem. If its not about son- hang up the phone, if its not about son- walk away. I'm not obligated to do a d@mn thing for him.

 

F**k I hate drama, I was feeling really good before all this sh*t blew up and now I'm feeling a bit flat again- doesn't help that me and small boy are in the middle of ANOTHER round of gastro!!!

[Melovator]

So I've been doing everything you're supposed to, everything to get through this without getting depressed... Exercise, psychologists visits, going to bed with positive affirmations playing through my iPod all night, etc etc. But I've been crying for no reason at the drop of a hat for over a week, I'll just burst into tears and I can't stop.

 

I did a double major in my bachelor's degree, one of those majors was Psych, and when I started to think that the world would be better if I wasn't around, that my son would be happier if I wasn't here then I knew the black dog had caught me again. So I went and saw my Dr who joked that I've got situational asthma of the brain and gave me some anti-depressants. She put me on an 'old' new school one as opposed to the old 'old' school drug that I was on ten years ago and made me feel flat.

 

I don't know why I'm upset about this, even though logically I know its the best thing right now and that I don't have to be on them forever. I just didn't want to go back on anti-depressant medication ever- and a lot of that's probably to do with X's f**ked up attitude to mental illness- wasn't really supportive last time and was happy when I went off them because that meant I was 'normal'.

 

But I'm not normal right now. I'm really f**ked up and I just want an even keel. I want the pain to not be so overbearing anymore. I want to stop being so tired. I know they take a month to really start working but waiting a month seems better than waiting for eternity.

 

Everyone in RL is kind of busy with their own lives today so I'll tell you LS'ers instead. I feel really sh*t right now.

[sumdude]

Ahh Mel it's alright. Heartache has taken down many a mountain. You did the right thing there, no shame or anything in it. There have been times I was tempted to go that route myself. Sometimes still am.. Hang tough and do whatever it takes to make youself feel right.

[sumdude]

Haven't heard from you since that last post. Hope you're doing OK.

[Melovator]

I'm okay sumdude thanks for asking. Wednesday was a really bad day, part of the problem was not knowing why I was feeling so emotional. Now I know it was partly hormonal - i've rabitted before about it, but everything was out a few days. Still, I'm going to be a good girl and take the medication. It's just another tool in the chest for maintaining good mental health!

 

I just have to keep being sensible and ignoring X's comments such as "I don't know if I'm moving on, I don't know what I'm doing." (long story take forever to write) and "Will you stop making assumptions!" (This is related to the first comment but was also repeated in a later conversation about something completely different). F**ktard, need to stop thinking about him, I suppose I could start thinking about the election down here- but I've been thinking about it for months, now that its on I'm bored already.

 

Also my dad called- haven't spoken to him since last year- kind of been busy- had to say to him "didn't want to take my issues out on you, my childhood's over." And then my aunt's coming to visit and she had a sh*t when i told her I wasn't going back to do the masters I was in before but was instead doing one "that would enable me to live without X's largesse". Aughh she's going to be all- follow your dream and I'll be my dream is freaking independence and stability for my son and I can do the rest anyway, don't need a degree for it.

 

Small one has had gastro again... so I've been wrist deep in sh*t most of weekend! But he's very impressive told his aunt that he's "not a baby." Got a big event for work on friday so I'll have a busy week.

 

If X could just keep his mouth shut and refrain from turning me on with his nerdiness (its a t-shirt thing) I'd be completely fine.

[Ladyjane14]

Geez Mel, am I gonna have to come down there and sit out on your front porch with my shotgun across my knees???

 

Don't let him whine to you about how stupid he is. Just agree with him.

[Melovator]

Geez Mel, am I gonna have to come down there and sit out on your front porch with my shotgun across my knees???

 

Don't let him whine to you about how stupid he is. Just agree with him.

 

You with a shotgun on the front porch would definately be useful sometimes! I've been inside convent walls though, no stepping out after curfew. He was wearing a t-shirt he's had since we first started going out, it has particular associations...

 

He is stupid, and I am stupid for listening to his stupidity... f**ktard.

[Melovator]

I'm cruising along. I weigh 66 kg (145pounds) am now an Australian size 12 (medium)- shocked me a bit the last time I was a 12 I would have been 12! (Always was big and was a 22/ weighing near 130kg- 290 pounds- ten years ago!) I figure I've lost about 20- 25kg in seven months! Not just stress, bloody walking lots of hills!

 

X is still a f**ktard- his **** is still in the shed as he still hasn't got anywhere yet. He still wants to sleep with me but I was good told him the next guy I sleep with won't have a girlfriend who isn't me because that's the least I deserve. He still talks about money like nothing's changed- we were having a conversation about shares and investment strategy earlier today and he was using the bloody 'we' word!

 

He got upset the other day because I was quiet in the car ( we had been to his parent's house for dinner- long story but I've decided that I'm not giving up MY bloody family because he's a jerk. I love them. ) and he said "Don't you have any conversation for me at all?"

 

My response was "Its hot." (ie we can talk about the weather) and his response was "I'll turn up the air-con." Then he said 'well I've got a proposition that will make you happy" and started crapping on about swapping computers because I had said that I wanted a laptop for my next one and he has a laptop, he said he's borrow the lap-top back if he went interstate for work or anything, and he got upset when I said "No I was talking about my next computer, I like to keep my computer to myself."

 

He also got a Blackberry and told me "Yours is the only number programmed in because I call you the most."

 

I said nothing. What could I say?

 

I also got drunk one night (week before last?) and because I was horny I started an arguement with him so he would leave and I would not be tempted. The high point was me singing "I ain't saying she's a gold digger but she ain't messing with no broke niggers." (gotta love Kanye) I can't remember much else except calling him a 'f**kead' because I puked straight after he left. I was ROTTEN!

 

So he's still being a f**ktard but I'm just not responding. I've given up trying to understand what's going on in his head, and I'm just getting on with my life.

 

I'm still in love with the bastard and probably always will be but as Gunny said elsewhere that's my problem not anyone else's.

 

I really want his sh*t to be gone by New Year I'm having a party and wish to cleanse my home of his presence completely and begin 2008 afresh.

[Gunny376]

There's my little "cuss and fuss"!

 

Was wondering about you just yesterday!

 

Glad to see ya up, about and still "kicking" about the planet!