Sorry it's long...just need to vent and if I get about it even better

[Heartbroken82]

Hey all...well I am new to this forum, but I have read others postings in the past. Anyways, I wanted to tell you my story and see if anyone has any advice to give me on my situation. First of all, my ex and I have been broken up for a little over 4 months now. He broke up with me. We dated for a year and in the beginning, he was way more into me than I was into him. We worked together, hung out a few times, started dating, and became really close. I mean within the first few weeks we were staying at each other's places all the time. He told me he loved me within the first month and I had never been in love, so I wasn't sure if I loved him then or not. I did say it back to him, though, soon afterwards. Last year, we hung out all summer, met each other's families, took a trip together and everything was great. Well, when I met him, we both worked together and neither one of us was in school, so we had a lot of time to spend with each other. Well, this last fall he decided to return to college and I began grad school, so we did not see each other much because I had class at night and he had class during the day. Plus he started a new job and we were not working with each other anymore. However, we still stayed at each other's places at night, but we began to fight. This was because we weren't seeing each other like we had before and because now he did not have as much time to spend with his friends, so that, when he did have free time, he would want to be with them, sometimes. Now although, I am 24 (he is too), I had not had a serious relationship before and now realize that I should not have pushed him to hang out with me all the time. I think I did this because I was so used to having him there all the time and that I lost my independence. He would even tell me that I needed to be more independent of him and not rely on him so much, that I needed to hang out with my friends more. I wish I would have listened, but instead I kept nagging him through this past January about this and as a result, we fought all the time, I cried a lot, and I know I was no fun to be around because I was always upset and acting needy. I also would sometimes act like his mom and ask him about his bills, when he was going to wash his clothes(even though, I did them for him), and things like that. I know real stupid!!! I became almost like his nagging mom, instead of, his fun girlfriend. I am now changing my ways and will learn from this for future relationships or if we get back together sometime. However, I know I must show him that I have changed a lot through actions and not words, which is what I am working on at the moment. (more about that later)Anyways, it got so bad that he would sometimes call me a bitch during these fights and then apologize to me later. Well, then February of this year came around and I realize now that I was totally a different person than when I met him the February before. I was depressed and upset about not seeing him enough, instead of, happy and content in the relationship. What a stupid mistake!! Then, it happened on Sunday, February 11th, he broke up with me. We were supposed to go to dinner, but because we were supposed to have hung out the Sunday before and didn't, I was still pissed. So, I said on the phone to him, "Should I even get ready or are we not going to hang out anyways?" This was a huge mistake!!! Then, he said, "No, don't get ready because I'm taking a break from this relationship." I didn't know what to say or do because in the back of my mind, although, we were fighting all the time, I thought he would always be there for me. I mean we had talked about marriage, kids, he had said I was the only one for him. Well, then I cried and cried and cried that night. The next day I passed out from not eating and being so upset and hit my head on the toilet in my bathroom. It wasn't a big deal, but I texted my ex and told him what happened. He immediately called me back and talked to me then. The night before (after he broke up with me) he had ignored my calls. Then, a few hours later he called to check up on me and then, a few hours later he did again. The next day we were still broken up, but he called me three times that day too. Then, he asked me to meet him for lunch because it was Valentine's Day. I did and he had a rose and a card waiting for me. The card said that if we could take all the calendars and clocks in the world away, we would have a great relationship and that we would be better in the future. Then, when we went to leave, he kissed me and told me that by Sunday, he would know if he wanted to get back together or stay apart. In the meantime, he also told my friend that he knew he couldn't be with me right now, but if we we were meant to be we would get back together. He has also since told me that his manager and her boyfriend of the time broke up for 4 months and then got back together and have now been married for 7 years, so he told me who knows? Well, I did the dumb thing and still called and texted him every day until Sunday because I wasn't used to having him gone out of my life. So stupid...I know. Then, on Sunday when I texted him, he said he was at his mom's and couldn't talk. Later that night, I texted him and he said he was at the boat and he would call me later, but he still didn't. So, the next day, I went to his school and waited for him because I needed an answer. He said he liked his freedom, but this last week hadn't been easy for him either. Then, I tried to tell him that I could change and begged him to hang out with me. He of course, said not right now and that he just needs his space and time to himself. Another dumb mistake...I know. I was pushy him away more. Well, I finally accepted him breaking up with me and left him alone. However, his cell phone is still on my plan, so we still see each other once a month. The 1st month he dropped off the money to my apt. when I wasn't there, but since then, he meets me and usually talks to me for 20-25 minutes. We catch up, then toward the end when he is saying goodbye I start to cry and he hugs me. I beg him to hang out with me and he says maybe sometime soon. Then, on May 20, my cell phone goes off in the middle of the night, which had happened about 2 weeks before but I had not heard it that time. It's a text message that says Life sucks from my ex. So, I text him back and want to know what happened. Well, it happens that was the day of his grandmother's funeral and that he is really drunk and just wants to talk to me. So, I go pick him up from his friend's house and go to his apt. with him. I stayed there that night and of course, we had sex...twice. He asked me if I had been with anybody else, which I hadn't and then, he told me had, but it was this girl who he doesn't even like and that it sucked. He also told me that he realizes you must answer to any girl you are with and that right now he just doesn't want any relationships and just wants to be single. Yet, he also tells me that he misses me, thinks about me a lot, and that he just feels so close to me. So, I wake up the next morning real confused and am sitting up thinking. He tells me to lay down with him and wants to know what I'm thinking about. I say about this situation. He says "well, I want you to know that I don't want any relationships, right now." So, I'm like what is this "friends with benefits" and he says, "Yeah, kind of." So, I ask him if he has any feelings for me and he says if I didn't you wouldn't be here right now. Soon afterwards, I took him back to his car and in the car, I started talking about the relationship and began to cry. He said, "Why can't you be like you just were upstairs in my apt. when we were talking about normal things and you were happy?" So, I say I'm sorry and drop him off. He gives me a hug and a kiss on the lips and then, leaves. I later text him with, "Sorry about the outburst earlier and that whatever happens, happens." He replied with "Okedoke." Then, I saw him later that week for the money for the cell phone and he was at work, so he was in a rush and got mad at me, since I began to cry and tell him I wish you weren't so mean to me. He said, "This is why I'm glad I'm single, now." Then, 2 weeks later, (June 11) I get a text from him that says, "What's up?" Of course, he's been drinking again and needs a ride because the water pump on his car is broke and he doesn't want to stay at his friends apt. Now I know this was really stupid, but I went and picked him up and then, stayed at his apt. again. Again, we had sex and boy, do we still have so much passion for each other. But, during sex he said now you know I don't want any relationships with anyone right now and that since, we enjoy it so much, it would be okay to continue don't you think. I was stupid and said yeah, which I now realize means he doesn't respect me at all. Then, he gets up and says I'm not trying to diss you, but I'm going to sleep on the couch cause it's cooler in there. So, I go in there and talk to him until he falls asleep. I should have left, but I stayed until the next morning and told him good-bye. I haven't heard anything from him since, but I need the money for my cell phone by June 30, so I will have to have contact with him, soon. Anyways, I have told him that if he gets off my phone plan, doesn't he realize that he won't have to talk to me anymore. He says that he does and that maybe he will sometime soon. The only reason I haven't shut off his phone is cause it would cost me $200. So, I think he is keeping this connection with me, so that, he can always see what I'm up to and if I have moved on or what? As far as the sex goes, I am not going to pick him up or go over there no matter what anymore. If he wants to be with me, he will have to respect me and not just have sex with me. Now, I have had NC, since June 11th and I will keep it that way until I need my money. When I see him, I am not going to cry and I have been being a lot more positive lately and have begun working out for about a month now, so I think he may be surprised when I don't bug him or say anything about seeing him soon, since I have always done this in the past. Part of me, thinks he is testing me to see if I can change and be independent, not needy, and have a more positive outlook on life and part of me thinks he might just be trying to use me for sex and keep me around to see if anything better comes along in the meantime, but he claims he doesn't want any relationships, so who knows? Plus, July 2nd is my birthday and I will probably see him a day or two before this for the phone, which means normally, I would ask him to hang out with me, but I am not going to. In fact, when I get the money I am going to be very positive not negative at all and afterwards, I will remain having NC with him until the next cell phone bill is due in July. Also, if he texts me in the meantime, since he randomly does when he feels lonely and needs someone close to him, I will be nice, but I will tell him I'm busy right now. Thus, I think my actions may throw him off guard, since right now he thinks that he will always have me around him when he needs me. Plus, I think he will be surprised by my different attitude, but working out, writing things down, and hanging out with friends is really changing my attitude and making me a more positive person. I realize I can live without him and that I can be independent of him now. Though, it would be nice if he was in my life, I know I don't need him to be, like I once did. So, what do you all think? P.S. If you made it through this, I thank you so much!!! It's just that I've never been on here before and that is the first time I've ever actually wrote about my situation. Thanks again...any advice is much appreciated!!!!