Author outofdarkness Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 but who cares? I don't. When the affair will be finished they can do whatever they want... I'll be out of there... I am seeing one guy (not as often though) he's married, had a mistress for 5 years... then he was cheating on her with another woman and me from time to time... His mistress dumped him last year... so talk about serial cheater...LOL OMG...I didn't post anything earlier when you posted on this thread b/c I was so upset about what I was and still am trying to deal w/ that I really didn't pay attention to them, but I just saw your icon...offensive IMO, and you attitude IMO is very indicative of the OW's who give the rest a REALLY bad name..IMO, you really give women in general a bad name..You're dealing w/ people here LIZZIE! Not "things"...I really don't understand people like you...I try, but I fail every time..I ask..no, I BEG...PLEASE stay on topic...Thanks..OOD
RecordProducer Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 What is it that OW wants? To win the "game"? To have "control"? No, she simply doesn't care, but it's possible that she also gets a thrill out of it. However, it's your husband who allows it. He also let her in your marriage. Point your axe at his head, not hers! And stop worrying so much. He ain't worth it! FGS!
Author outofdarkness Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 No, she simply doesn't care, but it's possible that she also gets a thrill out of it. However, it's your husband who allows it. He also let her in your marriage. Point your axe at his head, not hers! And stop worrying so much. He ain't worth it! FGS! You are correct; however, I have noticed a definite difference between OW's on LS..Some are just in it for the thrill of it, and some are genuinely in love w/ the MM, whether they know that they are M or not..I AM definitely angry w/ my H!! Make NO bones about it..HE DOES allow it...I am at the end of my rope, and patience..and tired of allowing myself to be treated like a doormat...Notice that I DO say that "I" allow myself to be treated this way...
Author outofdarkness Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 I don't know what to do anymore...I feel helpless and alone..You all have helped me tremendously, but I truly don't know which direction to turn...It's so hard after D day..Even three years after. You want to trust so badly, but on the other hand, it's so horribly eroded, that you can't even entertain the thought of trusting again at times... I know I sound like I'm having a huge "pity party"; and perhaps I am, but I know that I am feeling just as I did just prior to D day..NOT a good feeling. In my heart, I know what I should do...The RIGHT thing to do, but I don't know how to go about doing it..Any advice is appreciated as long as you all can keep it relatively kind and respectful:(...Thanks in advance.
cbl Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Trouble is....I just don't FEEL any of those things..I don't FEEL self confident, I don't WANT to chit chat and suck up for him..I am angry w/ him...Yes, I am well aware of how expertly men compartmentalize....I will say this, if he did happen to attend this particular small dinner party w/ a member of the opposite sex, he might as well not come home..I don't care if he goes alone, but I really don't care to be humiliated any more then I already have in our community...These are old high school friends that we used to pal around w/ in high school, college and before we had children..not business associates. At this point, I would feel that any idle chit chat or attempt on my part at making conversation while attending anything with him, would make me feel like the smuck that I feel like I was for not seeing what was happening all around me for 10 years....I really do appreciate your input, and I would hope that some day, I can get back the confidence and self assurance that I once had and attend these functions with or w/out him with ease and enjoyment, but I am not so sure it will EVER be in our hometown again...Thanks again for the feedback... Don't be silly Of course you can do it. If there's one person who should feel humiliated/ashamed, it's your husband, NOT you! He's the one making big mistakes. Go to the party and have fun. Do it for yourself. They are YOUR high school/college friends. You are not associated with them because you are Mrs. SC. Attend the party thinking you are doing this for YOURSELF, catching up with your friends. OK? YOU CAN DO IT. Go there, chat up, and ask your girl friends out for shopping/movies/yoga/etc. whatever pleases YOU. You will build a social life without HIM. It's tough I know ut one step at a time. One day at a time.
cbl Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 I don't know what to do anymore...I feel helpless and alone..You all have helped me tremendously, but I truly don't know which direction to turn...It's so hard after D day..Even three years after. You want to trust so badly, but on the other hand, it's so horribly eroded, that you can't even entertain the thought of trusting again at times... I know I sound like I'm having a huge "pity party"; and perhaps I am, but I know that I am feeling just as I did just prior to D day..NOT a good feeling. In my heart, I know what I should do...The RIGHT thing to do, but I don't know how to go about doing it..Any advice is appreciated as long as you all can keep it relatively kind and respectful:(...Thanks in advance. How about trying to catch some sleep, so you won't be having eye bags with you when you go to the party over the weekend (you know how costly plastic surgeries can be )? If you have chosen to live a life like this, live it "happily". Happy thoughts... happy thoughts....
whichwayisup Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 This is your thread about your life and if you wanna have a pity party, then do it. You're a strong woman OOD, and you've given this your best, you really have. I just worry about the effect this is having on you now, it's getting worse...Sooner or later you gotta make a decision. Only you can decide what that is, though you have many choices... Hope you feel better today.
whichwayisup Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Let's keep this thread about OOD, and if people are having issues with other posters, either PM them or post on their threads that they started. It's just disrespectful and very rude to do this on OOD's thread seeing as she's in alot of pain, and doesn't need the off topic banter on her thread. Just my 2 cents.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 I don't know what to do anymore...I feel helpless and alone..You all have helped me tremendously, but I truly don't know which direction to turn...It's so hard after D day..Even three years after. You want to trust so badly, but on the other hand, it's so horribly eroded, that you can't even entertain the thought of trusting again at times... I know I sound like I'm having a huge "pity party"; and perhaps I am, but I know that I am feeling just as I did just prior to D day..NOT a good feeling. In my heart, I know what I should do...The RIGHT thing to do, but I don't know how to go about doing it..Any advice is appreciated as long as you all can keep it relatively kind and respectful:(...Thanks in advance. Isolation is not only a way that we have learned to deal with only what we have to, it is a self imposed punishment. OOD, I'm going to PM you some links on emotional abuse. I can't remember much at all about my life before the A so I can't even tell you if the abuse was there before, I can hardly recall the 17 years before this at the moment, SO I don't even know in my case if it went on or how much before then, has he always been abusive? I kept serching infidelity and things to go iwth it, when I realized the affects of the lies, and continued lies and the controlling behaviors I was amazed! The outcomes from this type of abuse are anxiety attacks, social anxiety, panic attacks, MAJOR depression, PTS, I could go on for ever, but unless you've been there its easy to say get up and get out. When someone is in a personal crisis making nice seems perposterous. Talking about the mundane seems sureal. OOD, you are in a personal crisis, it is getting worse for some reason, whether that is something personal with in you or with H. YOU NEED some counseling right now, to help you heal and to deal with anxiety and depression BEFORE you make any decisions. I don't remember if you still see an IC and I know how hard it is to tell your story from the begining over and over but you've gotta get to a better place in order to deal. Thats gotta be your first step. The counselor can help you work out what is in your best interest. Please make an appoitment, and if you are avoiding things then ask a friend to come sit while you do it. You need to break the cycle of your own depression and gain the strength to do what every you decide. YOU NEED HELP COMING TO GRIPS. Screw the party if it will make you uncomfortable. Put the little bit of energy you can muster into getting some help for OOD.
bish Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 OMG...I didn't post anything earlier when you posted on this thread b/c I was so upset about what I was and still am trying to deal w/ that I really didn't pay attention to them, but I just saw your icon...offensive IMO, and you attitude IMO is very indicative of the OW's who give the rest a REALLY bad name..IMO, you really give women in general a bad name..You're dealing w/ people here LIZZIE! Not "things"...I really don't understand people like you...I try, but I fail every time..I ask..no, I BEG...PLEASE stay on topic...Thanks..OOD Well said. There is nothing to understand about her really. I know exactly what she is, and, although, she rubs your nose in crap, she is safe here. I'd tell her what I really thought of her and what she is, but I'd probably get banned.
Lynna Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 OOD, definitely go for counseling. Having a neutral party, to whom you can tell all the details without fear of anyone else finding out will help. A counselor will be able to help you deal with what is going on and what you are feeling. Ultimately only you can make the decision, and you will be able to. But making a decision about your marriage is life altering, so there is no doubt that it is EXTREMELY difficult. But you are strong enough, you can decide what you want and what you are willing to put up with. No, it won't be easy, but you can do it!!! Like cbl said, start rebuilding you and find out what makes you happy! We are here with you in spirit and cheering you on the whole way!
Melissa277 Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 I don't know what to do anymore...I feel helpless and alone..You all have helped me tremendously, but I truly don't know which direction to turn...It's so hard after D day..Even three years after. You want to trust so badly, but on the other hand, it's so horribly eroded, that you can't even entertain the thought of trusting again at times... I know I sound like I'm having a huge "pity party"; and perhaps I am, but I know that I am feeling just as I did just prior to D day..NOT a good feeling. In my heart, I know what I should do...The RIGHT thing to do, but I don't know how to go about doing it..Any advice is appreciated as long as you all can keep it relatively kind and respectful:(...Thanks in advance. ODD, I have been getting caught up after being away for awhile and this post really hit home with me. I could have written it word for word. I know our situations are different ... different but sadly, the same. The same lies, betrayals, hurt and pain. I don't know if I can explain what I'm going to do and why, but I'll give it the ole' college try. I've decided that I am going to work on forgiving WH. He has wanted this since day one so that we can move on and be happy and I am working on it. But, I've also set a date ...and if this "forgiveness thing" doesn't work out, I'm leaving and never looking back. I was so torn before ... I love him, I hate him, I forgive him, I can't forgive him and so on and so on. But I feel almost at peace now. I don't know how to go about it either, but I'm making plans just in case. I made a list of "things to do" and I've been checking them off as I do them. In the last few weeks, I went to the doctor and got a check-up, got my prescription filled for 90 days and went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned and a filling done. I also went to the eye doctor got a check-up and new glasses. All on H's health insurance. I got my car legal (the registration had run out during all this hullabaloo and the windshield was cracked ... I got a new windshield). I am now putting away some dough ... I've got $1000.00 already (H knows nothing about it) ... just in case I'm outta here in a hurry. The bonus here is if our M does work out, I have a legal vehicle, new glasses, clean teeth, a clean bill of health, and some money towards Christmas presents. I don't know how things will play out, but I do know that the rollercoaster ride I've been on since d-day (a year and a half ago) has got to stop. It's affecting not only my own personal happiness, but also my health. I couldn't eat or sleep. I just drank coffee and smoked cigarettes all day long. I could barely function as a human being because I just didn't know what I wanted or what to do. The anger and resentment ate away at me 24/7. This "change", if that's what you want to call it, all came about because my sister yelled at me! She said for God's sakes, life is too damn short to be that unhappy. You know what? She was right! Leaving him won't be easy ... this is a person I've loved for more than half of my life and starting over alone is scarier than heck. But forgiving him isn't easy either ... I have to work hard every day to keep from killing him. Either way, I'm in a world of sh*t, but making the decision to leave, rather than stay and be unhappy because I am afraid, has made all the difference. Everyone is afraid at some point in their life. I guess what I'm trying to say with all this blather is that I have decided to work on my M, to try to get past this, this, "thing" that has intruded on my life. I love my husband, but I also want to be happy and if I can't be happy with him, I will have to be happy without him. As my sister said "Life is too damn short." IDK. Does this make any sense at all?
Trimmer Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 ODD, I have been getting caught up after being away for awhile and this post really hit home with me. I could have written it word for word. I know our situations are different ... different but sadly, the same. The same lies, betrayals, hurt and pain. I don't know if I can explain what I'm going to do and why, but I'll give it the ole' college try. I've decided that I am going to work on forgiving WH. He has wanted this since day one so that we can move on and be happy and I am working on it.... Melissa - has he stopped his extramarital behaviors, and is he making it clear to you that he is committing to the marriage again? If so, that's a good step; good luck moving forward. Unfortunately, it sounds like OOD's husband is just going along with his behavior without any changes or re-commitment to the marriage. That has got to be awful...
RecordProducer Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Notice that I DO say that "I" allow myself to be treated this way...So now we came to the point where it's YOUR fault? It's not, unless you've been depriving him from love, affection, sex, appreciation, and warmth. He is a serial cheater and it's all his fault. Why are you staying? This is not a rhetorical question, I am actually curious about the full answer, if you're willing to provide one. Do you have small kids, no job, no education, no family? Are you afraid that nobody will ever love you? Are you in love with him? Are you getting some kind of a thrill from agonizing about his affairs?
silktricks Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 So now we came to the point where it's YOUR fault? It's not, unless you've been depriving him from love, affection, sex, appreciation, and warmth. He is a serial cheater and it's all his fault. I believe OOD's point is that ultimately we all have responsibility for how we allow ourselves to be treated. If it becomes obvious that the person you love is going to continue to treat you like sh*t, then it's your responsibility to take of yourself and stop the behavior by removing yourself from it (or killing him, but that's probably not as good an option )
Melissa277 Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Melissa - has he stopped his extramarital behaviors, and is he making it clear to you that he is committing to the marriage again? If so, that's a good step; good luck moving forward. Unfortunately, it sounds like OOD's husband is just going along with his behavior without any changes or re-commitment to the marriage. That has got to be awful... He has tried to prove to me that he is committed to our marriage since D-day. We have not been able to move forward because of me ... I haven't been able to forgive him. As far as I know, and I only know what he has told me, he has not spoken to OW in a year and a half and told her the last time he talked to her that it was over (he claims he told her that many times) and he never wanted to hear from her again. But, then I only know what he has told me. I absolutely don't trust him ... knowing that he is a liar and a cheater, but hopefully, over time, that will change. Thank you so much for your good wishes. We're going to need them. I don't know what I would do if I was in ODD's shoes. I would probably committ harey carey ... I may do it anyway.
Author outofdarkness Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 Melissa - has he stopped his extramarital behaviors, and is he making it clear to you that he is committing to the marriage again? If so, that's a good step; good luck moving forward. Unfortunately, it sounds like OOD's husband is just going along with his behavior without any changes or re-commitment to the marriage. That has got to be awful... NO!!!!! The behavior has not stopped...IDK about the cheating, but I DO know that his behavior is even worst then pre D day...I am at a loss...Thanks to all of you who are taking the time to read and post...It's really helpful to me...And yes, IWWH, I know I need to go to IC..HE took over MY therapist...It was suppose to be just me then us, now it's just him...Can't figure out how it got to that point..
Melissa277 Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 (or killing him, but that's probably not as good an option ) Oh, it's not? D*mn. There goes Plan A. :lmao:
silktricks Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 He has tried to prove to me that he is committed to our marriage since D-day. We have not been able to move forward because of me ... I haven't been able to forgive him. {snip} But, then I only know what he has told me. I absolutely don't trust him ... knowing that he is a liar and a cheater, but hopefully, over time, that will change. Melissa, a couple words, if I may. The two of you have been married for a long long time. This wasn't a life style of many years, rather it was a single episode, right? If you do want to reconcile and heal your marriage, you need to make it active on your part. You cannot continue to phrase things in the manner you phrase them in your mind, as you then continue to see things that are in the past as in the present. What you know is that he lied and he cheated. If you insist on keeping that up front and center as your definition of him, you might as well just call it a day and get on with your life. And as for trusting. Learning to trust again also takes work on your part, not just his. He needs to be absolutely honest about everything to you. But you also need to start trusting in small things, then slowly you can relearn the ability to trust in large things. It's babysteps all the way, but in order to stay together you've got to make a start at it.
silktricks Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 NO!!!!! The behavior has not stopped...IDK about the cheating, but I DO know that his behavior is even worst then pre D day...I am at a loss...Thanks to all of you who are taking the time to read and post...It's really helpful to me...And yes, IWWH, I know I need to go to IC..HE took over MY therapist...It was suppose to be just me then us, now it's just him...Can't figure out how it got to that point.. OOD, what is the behavior that he is exhibiting? What was it before D-Day, and what is it now?
Author outofdarkness Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 OOD, what is the behavior that he is exhibiting? What was it before D-Day, and what is it now? The behavior is the same as it was just pre d day...Hair triggered temper, saying very hurtful, mean things, throwing things, extreme sarcasm, picking at every little thing about myself, the kids, the house, etc...He has this REALLY weird obsession w/ lights...If he's home and one is left on when not needed, he freaks...He freaks if an outside light is left on after bed..It's freaky, and I don't understand it...I leave them ALL on when he travels b/c I'm here by myself w/ the kids. That's just an example..One of the more extreme ones..Other then an occasional shove when he gets in a fight w/ our son or daughter, there is no physical abuse. Not to minimize that..at ALL...This has all been building, but has now reached the point that it was just days/weeks before D day..Only then, I had NO idea what was causing it...I mean the cheating...Hope that answers you question...Thanks for posting..ood
Author outofdarkness Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 The behavior is the same as it was just pre d day...Hair triggered temper, saying very hurtful, mean things, throwing things, extreme sarcasm, picking at every little thing about myself, the kids, the house, etc...He has this REALLY weird obsession w/ lights...If he's home and one is left on when not needed, he freaks...He freaks if an outside light is left on after bed..It's freaky, and I don't understand it...I leave them ALL on when he travels b/c I'm here by myself w/ the kids. That's just an example..One of the more extreme ones..Other then an occasional shove when he gets in a fight w/ our son or daughter, there is no physical abuse. Not to minimize that..at ALL...This has all been building, but has now reached the point that it was just days/weeks before D day..Only then, I had NO idea what was causing it...I mean the cheating...Hope that answers you question...Thanks for posting..ood I do need to add that our kids are older now..I know that it sounds like I'm trying to minimize the occasional pushing/shoving, but they are teens...adult size...He won't and can't go any further then that....
child_of_isis Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Is the anger/temper/sarcasm, etc. a new thing or has he always been this way? I am asking because my SO started developing anger issues right before we split up....which is out of character. Supposedly, from what I have read, those who cheat can become angry with everyone involved. Themselves, their spouse and whomever they had the affair with.
bish Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 So now we came to the point where it's YOUR fault? It's not, unless you've been depriving him from love, affection, sex, appreciation, and warmth. And even then its not her fault. As a married couple they should deal with it and try to work all that out, and if they can't, they divorce. Its not an excuse for him to go out and stick it in another woman.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 I know that it sounds like I'm trying to minimize the occasional pushing/shoving, but they are teens...adult size...He won't and can't go any further then that.... This behavior comes from self loathing, unfortunately it also begets self loathing.
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