Art_Critic Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 I love this idea! I really do! I like the idea too.. Zero Tolerance... You don't have to live together to stay married. Kick him out.
bish Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 And to the others, this thread is NOT ABOUT LIZZIE. It's about OOD and her life, so please, if you are having issues with Lizzie, transfer your comments to the other thread that she started. It's not fair to OOD to have the topic of discussion change to someone else. You are absolutely right. So one last thing about Lizzie in this thread and I am done, if you are just going to rub the BS nose in shi!t, you are not welcome, and I think I could speak for OOD. OOD can correct me if I'm wrong.
bish Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 My H is in the financial industry..a senior vp... Really? Sweet!! Then divorce this pri!ck and take half of the marital assets. Then go live a wonderful life and find someone worthy of you!! Do it sweetheart! Take half his shi!t!!!
Author outofdarkness Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 You are absolutely right. So one last thing about Lizzie in this thread and I am done, if you are just going to rub the BS nose in shi!t, you are not welcome, and I think I could speak for OOD. OOD can correct me if I'm wrong. Thanks for taking up for me..This whole Lizzie thing..I really have been so upset, I didn't pay attention to what she was saying...I thought I made myself clear about staying on topic and being thoughtful and kind when I started the thread, but I do realize that things can quickly get off topic on LS, and I take this into consideration. I appreciate everyone's input..You have all helped alot..I thank all of you and LS
Freedom Now Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 OOD... I am so sorry.... My thoughts and prayers are with you. FN
Author outofdarkness Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 Really? Sweet!! Then divorce this pri!ck and take half of the marital assets. Then go live a wonderful life and find someone worthy of you!! Do it sweetheart! Take half his shi!t!!! I wish it was that easy..After over 10 years of A's there is not much left..Much of it he squandered away I am sure on OW's and poor investments before I took over the $ completely..Or did I? I am sure he's got something hidden away...Just my guess...
Author outofdarkness Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 OOD... I am so sorry.... My thoughts and prayers are with you. FN Thanks..You are such a sweet person, and I appreciate the thoughts and prayers...
Freedom Now Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 If you need to get away to Arizona, look me up!
bish Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Thanks for taking up for me..This whole Lizzie thing..I really have been so upset, I didn't pay attention to what she was saying And you shouldn't pay any attention to what she is saying. She has nothing of value to say to you given the way she is. Don't ever let anhyone make you think you are some sort of idiot for staying with your husband. There are probably reasons which nobody understands. Honestly though, if he has money, divorce him and take as much of it as you can get your hands on. Stock options, retirement, 1/2 the marital assets. Damn girl, you could clean up.
believinZ Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 I wish it was that easy..After over 10 years of A's there is not much left..Much of it he squandered away I am sure on OW's and poor investments before I took over the $ completely..Or did I? I am sure he's got something hidden away...Just my guess... OOD, I do understand "it isn't just that easy"... when you have your entire life wrapped up into your M, H, son, family, connected finances, home, memories (good/bad)... Gosh, how does one really walk away from that even in the shadows of continual/abusive affairs. I don't have answers I wish I did...I am new to LS and have read several of your posts. You seem like a strong person who has been through a lot of battles and this current on w/the insane OW just has you down. Regroup... it is okay to regroup. The battle is far from over I'm sorry to say. BUT, as Lynna reminded us... stress is not good for you or your son... your son needs YOU and he needs you strong... so give yourself permission to regroup... analyze the advice here (advice is just that one's opinion, so pick and choose what fits for you)... take some time to be in silence and meditate w/yourself... listen to your intuition... it might say something that is scary, or you don't want to hear, but you really should give it some time to ponder on... it is what your heart is telling you to do... Only you can make these choices and no choice is permanent... you have the right and duty to change choices, revamp, and restructure life as YOU deem fit. Each of us is different and we stay or leave when we decide for whatever reasons we have... this all is affected by our younger experiences and personal issues... SO, seriously (screw Lizzie) listen to ppl like Lynna, bish, etc. They've helped me deal w/my reasons for staying in my 22 years w/my H... good, bad, and ugly and all... (((hugs...really big one)))... z
smartgirl Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 I haven't gone through all the posts in this thread -- and it seems like there have been a lot. I have no love for OW. We are stuck dealing with the spiteful B**** that my H brought into our lives. For how long I don't know. But my H has made it clear that there is to be NC to the extent possible given that they work together. No private conversations, no contact outside of office. He changed cell phone numbers, gyms, where he parked and anything else that allowed her to contact or corner him. That is the WS's obligation if he is serious about ending the A and working on the marriage. It does not seem that your H is serious. It seems that the calls from the OW are not unwanted or discouraged. In fact, for all you know, she was returning a previous call from him. She may be a total piece of s***, but she couldn't be inserting herself in your lives if your H wasn't letting her. He is making it clear he isn't going to change. I know you are in a tough spot with your son, but is it really worth it to continue dealing with a man that won't change?
Author outofdarkness Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 I haven't gone through all the posts in this thread -- and it seems like there have been a lot. I have no love for OW. We are stuck dealing with the spiteful B**** that my H brought into our lives. For how long I don't know. But my H has made it clear that there is to be NC to the extent possible given that they work together. No private conversations, no contact outside of office. He changed cell phone numbers, gyms, where he parked and anything else that allowed her to contact or corner him. That is the WS's obligation if he is serious about ending the A and working on the marriage. It does not seem that your H is serious. It seems that the calls from the OW are not unwanted or discouraged. In fact, for all you know, she was returning a previous call from him. She may be a total piece of s***, but she couldn't be inserting herself in your lives if your H wasn't letting her. He is making it clear he isn't going to change. I know you are in a tough spot with your son, but is it really worth it to continue dealing with a man that won't change? No, right now..IT is NOT worth it...Re: My H not doing what he should have done and is still doing now...You're absolutely right, and I have NO excuses for letting these things ride. Everything you listed, I insisted on upon withdrawing my D papers three 2.5 years ago...A few got done, some didn't and he began that abusive pattern again. Our son got sick...LIFE hit hard...NOT good enough excuses, I know, but it was what it was, and I can't change that. In looking back, I wish now that I had gone ahead w/ the D and not been suckered back in by all of his wooing, etc., but I was, he's all I've ever known, and I can't go back in time. How did you go about getting your H to change all of these things? I could never even get him to change the same cell # that he's had since cell phones came out...I would really be interested in knowing...Some tips on this would be great...I know I can't MAKE anyone do anything, but am I missing something? I really thought he loved me and had turned over a new leaf...I fell for the same s---that all of the OW's fell for...Sad for me and them...Sad for any Woman to be treated this way by any man...It's always...well..that would never happen to ME! Then you turn around one day and realize that it does and has! I know that you are right and that if he had really wanted to be w/ myself and the kids and change, he would have done all of these things, but he never did...Guess he thought I'd go back to being that same old oblivious ostrich w/ my head in the sand. Even if I wanted to, I could never go back to being the same person that I was. And..I don't want to...I've grown up...BAD way to grow up, but never the less, it has to happen some time..So..I'd say if anything GOOD came from his A's, it's just that...That I've grown in so many ways...Thanks for the post..
Author outofdarkness Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 OOD, I do understand "it isn't just that easy"... when you have your entire life wrapped up into your M, H, son, family, connected finances, home, memories (good/bad)... Gosh, how does one really walk away from that even in the shadows of continual/abusive affairs. I don't have answers I wish I did...I am new to LS and have read several of your posts. You seem like a strong person who has been through a lot of battles and this current on w/the insane OW just has you down. Regroup... it is okay to regroup. The battle is far from over I'm sorry to say. BUT, as Lynna reminded us... stress is not good for you or your son... your son needs YOU and he needs you strong... so give yourself permission to regroup... analyze the advice here (advice is just that one's opinion, so pick and choose what fits for you)... take some time to be in silence and meditate w/yourself... listen to your intuition... it might say something that is scary, or you don't want to hear, but you really should give it some time to ponder on... it is what your heart is telling you to do... Only you can make these choices and no choice is permanent... you have the right and duty to change choices, revamp, and restructure life as YOU deem fit. Each of us is different and we stay or leave when we decide for whatever reasons we have... this all is affected by our younger experiences and personal issues... SO, seriously (screw Lizzie) listen to ppl like Lynna, bish, etc. They've helped me deal w/my reasons for staying in my 22 years w/my H... good, bad, and ugly and all... (((hugs...really big one)))... z Thank you so very much for your kind and thoughtful post chocked full of healthy suggestions on how to take care of me and cope..I really appreciate it and will try to utilize some of your thoughts...Blessings and hugs to you too.
Author outofdarkness Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 If you need to get away to Arizona, look me up! I'll keep that in mind! Wish I was there now..Wish I was anywhere but here now...
2sunny Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 i guess if it were me - i would buy a new cell phone with complete access with my password only by computer and drop it on the counter and say to H: take this phone now and give me your old one immediately if he refused - he's out - and i wouldn't even give him but 5 minutes to get the $hit he wants to take with him - then change the locks as soon as he's out the door i think whether or not he takes the phone and you have COMPLETE access to the new one would indicate whether or not he is hiding lots - or not. oh ya - don't shut down the old phone soon... that is your evidence as to what has actually been happening when new calls - texts come in...
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 OOD, It is ultimately your life. But I am sad to hear that you allowed yourself to stay with your H. When you do proceed with the D, then all this **** (that has been spoonfed to you by your H) will dawn on you. I understand that you've only known the life with your H, but believe me, he is not everything that YOU can be. You can live on your own, and you need him less than you think! One of the things that I've learned through my ordeal is this: people do not cheat on their spouse for if they themselves don't want to do so. In other words, no one can make a cheater out of a person if he or she doesn't want to cheat. The pilot light has to be there to start the furnace, so to speak. Conversely, if your H has cheated multiple times in the past, it is HIGHLY unlikely that he will stop. He is a cheater, and he will always seek enjoyment from affairs. It is NOT entirely the OWs' fault. Confronting his OWs is unproductive and will not lead you anywhere. If you want to stop your pain, you know what it is that you need to do. Stop being foolish about his "habits". Blaming the OW when your H is a cheater is like griping about the liqour store being around the corner of the house when your H is an alcoholic. He is the source of the problem. You either remove him out of your life, or he has to do some serious detox! There is no other way about it. Good luck.
Sheba Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Do I read you right, OOD? Are you really at the end of your rope? If you are, take heart: it will be bad, but it will be good too. Once you finally get him out of the house and file those papers and explain to the children....well, I think you will find peace. You will no longer be looking over his shoulder, jumping at his cellphone's ring, wondering where the hell he is and what he is doing. You will just be you, whoever you are ...a wonderful mother to your children, a good friend, a kind person. You will have a whole new life in front of you that is not filled with constant doubt and worry and self doubt. I guarantee, one day you will realize that the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders. No more emotional upheavel. I do know what I am talking about. You see, I have known quite a few women going through divorce. I have seen them at the outset - haggard, old beyond their years, sad-eyed and scared, unsmiling. And I have seen them as the months go by - watched them become more beautiful, seen the new haircuts and clothes, the new enthusiasm for life, the big smiles. I have sometimes thought divorce is like a fountain of youth for a woman who has been in a bad marriage. For you, the other side will be a new lease on life.
Author outofdarkness Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 OOD, It is ultimately your life. But I am sad to hear that you allowed yourself to stay with your H. When you do proceed with the D, then all this **** (that has been spoonfed to you by your H) will dawn on you. I understand that you've only known the life with your H, but believe me, he is not everything that YOU can be. You can live on your own, and you need him less than you think! One of the things that I've learned through my ordeal is this: people do not cheat on their spouse for if they themselves don't want to do so. In other words, no one can make a cheater out of a person if he or she doesn't want to cheat. The pilot light has to be there to start the furnace, so to speak. Conversely, if your H has cheated multiple times in the past, it is HIGHLY unlikely that he will stop. He is a cheater, and he will always seek enjoyment from affairs. It is NOT entirely the OWs' fault. Confronting his OWs is unproductive and will not lead you anywhere. If you want to stop your pain, you know what it is that you need to do. Stop being foolish about his "habits". Blaming the OW when your H is a cheater is like griping about the liqour store being around the corner of the house when your H is an alcoholic. He is the source of the problem. You either remove him out of your life, or he has to do some serious detox! There is no other way about it. Good luck. yep..I agree
Author outofdarkness Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 i guess if it were me - i would buy a new cell phone with complete access with my password only by computer and drop it on the counter and say to H: take this phone now and give me your old one immediately if he refused - he's out - and i wouldn't even give him but 5 minutes to get the $hit he wants to take with him - then change the locks as soon as he's out the door i think whether or not he takes the phone and you have COMPLETE access to the new one would indicate whether or not he is hiding lots - or not. oh ya - don't shut down the old phone soon... that is your evidence as to what has actually been happening when new calls - texts come in... great advice.. Thanks for the tips..I really appreciate it!
Author outofdarkness Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 Do I read you right, OOD? Are you really at the end of your rope? If you are, take heart: it will be bad, but it will be good too. Once you finally get him out of the house and file those papers and explain to the children....well, I think you will find peace. You will no longer be looking over his shoulder, jumping at his cellphone's ring, wondering where the hell he is and what he is doing. You will just be you, whoever you are ...a wonderful mother to your children, a good friend, a kind person. You will have a whole new life in front of you that is not filled with constant doubt and worry and self doubt. I guarantee, one day you will realize that the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders. No more emotional upheavel. I do know what I am talking about. You see, I have known quite a few women going through divorce. I have seen them at the outset - haggard, old beyond their years, sad-eyed and scared, unsmiling. And I have seen them as the months go by - watched them become more beautiful, seen the new haircuts and clothes, the new enthusiasm for life, the big smiles. I have sometimes thought divorce is like a fountain of youth for a woman who has been in a bad marriage. For you, the other side will be a new lease on life. A new lease on life sounds great right now...I am trying...I know it doesn't seem so from reading my posts..They seem like pity parties, but I AM trying! Thanks for taking the time to post...
Author outofdarkness Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 OOD, It is ultimately your life. But I am sad to hear that you allowed yourself to stay with your H. When you do proceed with the D, then all this **** (that has been spoonfed to you by your H) will dawn on you. I understand that you've only known the life with your H, but believe me, he is not everything that YOU can be. You can live on your own, and you need him less than you think! One of the things that I've learned through my ordeal is this: people do not cheat on their spouse for if they themselves don't want to do so. In other words, no one can make a cheater out of a person if he or she doesn't want to cheat. The pilot light has to be there to start the furnace, so to speak. Conversely, if your H has cheated multiple times in the past, it is HIGHLY unlikely that he will stop. He is a cheater, and he will always seek enjoyment from affairs. It is NOT entirely the OWs' fault. Confronting his OWs is unproductive and will not lead you anywhere. If you want to stop your pain, you know what it is that you need to do. Stop being foolish about his "habits". Blaming the OW when your H is a cheater is like griping about the liqour store being around the corner of the house when your H is an alcoholic. He is the source of the problem. You either remove him out of your life, or he has to do some serious detox! There is no other way about it. Good luck. Yep, I am sad about it too. AND..I can see how frustrating it would be to ready my posts and understand...comprehend why I have stayed. I can only say that I was completely snookered...I am a total pushover...As I said earlier, I HAVE grown up, and you all continue to help me grow..Thank you..
raincloud Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 And to the others, this thread is NOT ABOUT LIZZIE. It's about OOD and her life, so please, if you are having issues with Lizzie, transfer your comments to the other thread that she started. It's not fair to OOD to have the topic of discussion change to someone else. :o:o Thanks WWIU...sometimes some of us need a little kick....it is very easy to let your feathers get ruffled in this place. :o:o To OOD....all apologies.
Lynna Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 How did you go about getting your H to change all of these things? OOD, first let me tell you that I really, really feel for you. I wish I could give you a big hug and wave a magic wand and fix everything for you. I really do!!! I hate to tell you this OOD, because I know how hard it is right now, but some people are not capable of changing. Part of it may be genetic, believe it or not, and the other part of it is they have to want to change. Your husband clearly does not want to change. He has seen that you will stay with him and therefore he can have it all his way. If you really force the issue and make him move out and still support you and if you do not let him back into your life until he does do all the things that you want him to, then maybe you can make him change. But at this point he is like the kid who keeps getting told no, but then never faces any consequences, so he just keeps on with the bad behavior. He can deal with the nos by ignoring them. It is the actual consequences that he does not want to deal with. As for the genetic part, a friend of mine (who knows nothing of my story) told me the other day that she had divorced her first husband because she caught him in an affair. Turns out he had been married twice before and had affairs on both of them. He has been married four more times since my friend's divorce, all because of affairs. When my friend told his mother that she was getting a divorce and why, his mother told her not to rush into things, that he would come back to her, after all his father and his grandfather always did!!!!! Can you believe that!!!! So your husband may not be capable of changing his basic nature. If that is the case, then there really is nothing you can do other than put up with it or divorce him. I am glad that you are here on LS and talking with everyone. There are a lot of good people here. And you know the old adage, two heads are better than one, well, here you have a whole flock! There is a variety of advice. You have said that you are thinking about what people are saying and advising, that is good. You definitely should think carefully about it and evaluate it within your own situation and your own needs. Only you know the full story and your full reasons. Ultimately you are the only one who can make the decision and it has to be one that you can live with. It should also be one that protects the health (both emotional and physical) of yourself and your children. You are the most important people in this equation!!! Do whatever you need to do and know that we will be here for emotional support at least, no matter what you choose. You are strong, you CAN get through this!
luvmy2ns Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 I have to add to the posters who have advised you to divorce the cheater. Do it! You can make it on your own! You would not believe how much easier the financial situation is when you get a man out of your home. It will be difficult at first, but if you've been a stay at home mom, then he will be made to give you not only child support, but spousal support as well as half of the marital assets. He will have to give you the house as the children have to have a place to live, and because you've been the primary care giver, you will also be named the custodial parent. If you have been a working mom, then that's good as well. You already have a job! If not, you can eventually find one. You sound like an intelligent woman. It won't be easy at first, don't get me wrong, but it will be the most liberating feeling of your life! You will eventually find your financial life getting easier and easier, and the hurt that your H has inflicted on you will become a distant memory. Your heart will need time to heal; you will be wary of men for quite awhile. But it will heal, and you will find the happiness and contentment you deserve, and your children will learn how a relationship is supposed to be between a loving man and woman. There is a good man out there for you. And MUCH MORE than 1-2% of men know how to be faithful, despite the tripe the resident LS whore will try to feed you.
Freedom Now Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 OOD, May I suggest a book for you? "Get Rid of Him" by Joyce Vedral. I, myself, just reread that book a few days ago and I "got rid" of a loser who was attempting to reek havoc in my personal life. It is incredibly empowering. YOU CAN DO THIS! Life is just too short to waste time on people that do not appreciate us for who we are! If I am going to be lonely, I am going to be lonely ALONE.
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