sugar_sweet Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 your MM and his W are having sex? I'm a new OW (been seeing MM for about a month).
sadbuttrue Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 well, you can always ask, if you think you can believe him. i think most MM are reluctant to admit that they continue to sleep with their Ws. but chances are, they do. i think it is a topic better left undiscussed if you want to keep your sanity.
Author sugar_sweet Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 I know I sound young and naive, but are there signs you can look for to show he's still sleeping with his W? I've seen my mm off and on for the last month, and they're going on a family vacation this month, for a week. I'm just wondering what to look for when he returns. He's told me he doesn't love her like he once did, but now he's going on this trip with her and their kids.
sadbuttrue Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 sugar sweet, i am sorry, but i dont know what you are looking for? scratches/hickeys? i dont know of any signs that would tell you for sure that MM is sleeping with his W, but i would bet that he is. i dont think he will have it stamped on him anywhere that "yeah i have sex with my wife." like i said, you can ask, but it would be very easy for him to lie. my MM still has sex with his W and it kills me, it will be a year soon that we have been together. we dont talk about it, because it hurts me too much.
Author sugar_sweet Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 Well, I don't think I'll be able to put up with that for long. Yeah, I knew he was M when I first talked with him, but I don't want to be his secret forever, ya know? I guess that's why I'm asking.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 When I discover my H was having an affair (before I knew that there were multiple OW) we were having sex about twice a day, atleast once every day, three times sometimes on weekends. He bought me gifts, professed his love, we hung out every night. What exactly would you say to him if he said, I have sex with my wife daily but I want you on the side? What do you expect him to tell you? So you KNOW he is a liar. He's telling you that he isn't happy with his wife but you make him happy, so you can justify his need to be happy and that what you are doing is fine, because it makes HIM happy. So, the question is are you going to stick around when you find out that he also has another OW which make him happy. Are you going to still put that importance on HIS happiness or is it going to hurt you, and THEN you decide that HE is a liar and a cheat and HIS WIFE NEEDS TO KNOW??????? He's going on vacation with his family, they are going to have fun, then he's gonna come back and you'll be there waiting. Darn, that's the life!
sadbuttrue Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 well, i am sorry you have gotten into this R with MM. these R are very painful. i wish i had not let mine go this far. even if he said he wasnt sleeping with her, he is still with her everyday, eating meals with her, rearing children together, sleeping in the same bed, seeing each other nude, laying in bed at night and talking, laughing together. there are so many more links between MM and his W then you will ever have with him. if you cant deal with all of that then does it really matter if they happen to still have sex on occasion? it takes a lot of fortitude to be an OW. i am not proud of what i have done, but i do know that it is not something easily done.
Author sugar_sweet Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 I have choices. Just like the one I made to be with him knowing he's M. I knew going into it that I wouldn't stay a OW for very long. He will have to make a choice soon. Whether his choice is to be with his W. I won't be 2nd best for long.
sadbuttrue Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 i hope you are able to get yourself out soon then. the longer you stay, the harder it becomes to leave. let your wishes be known, tell him you will not tolerate second best, but dont be surprised if he chooses the wife. more likely he will convince you to stick around for an indefinite amount of time while never really planning on making you number one in his life.
Author sugar_sweet Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 If he chooses W then fine, but if he messes around and doesn't really make a choice, I'll do what i have to to make him choose, her or me. He knew what he was doing when the A started. He isn't having his cake and eating it too.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 He knew what he was doing when the A started. He isn't having his cake and eating it too. He IS having his cake and eating it too. YOU are serving it to him on a silver platter!!! When are you going to make the choice? Or is it up to him? Scared who he might choose? Call him right now and ask him.
Author sugar_sweet Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 I do have that choice. your right. But, I choose to give him the small chance to do the breaking up with her. When the trip is over next week, then we'll see.
sadbuttrue Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 i am sorry sugar sweet, but i think you are fooling yourself if you think he will end his M to his W and mother of his children after only one month with you. there are many OW who have been with their MM for years with no results. i am not saying it couldnt by some small chance happen, but i would not bet on it. dont expect too much from him, it will only hurt more when you dont get it. but by all means make your demands known and see what happens. he should know that he cant continue to have you and his W if you are not willing to do that.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 I do have that choice. your right. But, I choose to give him the small chance to do the breaking up with her. When the trip is over next week, then we'll see. Then you'll be posting he's staying for the kids and you've decided to be his mistress forever because that makes him happy and his wife makes him miserable. Where will he be taking you on vacation???
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 I do have that choice. your right. But, I choose to give him the small chance to do the breaking up with her. When the trip is over next week, then we'll see. You are choosing not to call the man you are sleeping with because he's with his wife and you cannot call him right now. If he loves you then he wants to hear from you, right???? Call him, right now, tell him to catch a flight, tell him you need to talk to him right now, make him choose.
Author sugar_sweet Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 Not in this lifetime, honey. You'll be hearing about it when he returns he either chose me or her. There is no in betweens with me. You can say I'm doing that now, but next week? Not on your life. There may be OWs on here that's like that, but I won't be done that way.
serial muse Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 I do have that choice. your right. But, I choose to give him the small chance to do the breaking up with her. When the trip is over next week, then we'll see. Well...chances are, he's not going to do it during a family vacation. And that could make things more solid between them, too. My exH told his OW that he wasn't having sex with me (very not true). I know he told her that because I heard a voicemail from her in which she asked him about it (she was quite upset). So he lied to everybody, as MM (and MW) pretty much always do, if they want to be in an affair. Lying is part of the ground rules, I'm afraid. Knowing this now, while you're still ready to walk away, is a good thing, though. Get out before you get pulled more deeply in, and before you become emotionally invested in someone who lives by his lies and makes a lot of empty promises to keep everyone else off-balance and under his spell.
Author sugar_sweet Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 I see him everyday. We work together. I can talk to him every day.
sadbuttrue Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 IWWH you know that ss can not call him right now. they have only been together for one month. that is not even enough time to get to know each other, much less leave a M for another woman.
Author sugar_sweet Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 Why do I need to call him when I see him at work everyday?
sadbuttrue Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 IWWH was wanting you to call him on his vacation and make him decide. that is not something you could really do at this point i dont think. in normal Rs a girl can call a man at anytime, i think that was the point. in these R with MM, you cant do that.
Author sugar_sweet Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 His vacation isn't until this coming weekend. I can see him anytime this week. I choose when to talk with him about it and it doesn't have anything to do with risking his dumping me because of it.
Trimmer Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 His vacation isn't until this coming weekend. I can see him anytime this week. I choose when to talk with him about it and it doesn't have anything to do with risking his dumping me because of it. Then why wait? Well, I don't think I'll be able to put up with that for long. Just for now. I knew going into it that I wouldn't stay a OW for very long. Just for now. He will have to make a choice soon... I won't be 2nd best for long. Just for now. He isn't having his cake and eating it too. There is no in betweens with me. Then why wait?
outofdarkness Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Isn't that what H and W are SUPPOSE to do???????????
april sunshine Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 I wonder why you would think that MM will suddenly develop a sense of loyalty to you, and then make a decision to cease all intimacy with his wife? If he is not planning to tell his wife that he is having an affair, ceasing intimacy would be a huge red flag alerting his wife that something is going on. His wife's suspicion will be triggered if he stops sleeping with her... If he is planning to leave her, but does not want her to know that he has been unfaithful....changing his bedroom habits will be disastrous....the wife will definately become suspicious. I think you can assume that he is still sleeping with her, and why not? they are married after all. It is not a good idea to worry about an issue like this, if you don't want to share, don't be intimate with him until he has moved away from living with his wife......good luck.
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