mountain girl Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Are there any super clever ways to pry out the truth from the waywards? It amazes me that so many posters here are left in such total and utter darkness about what REALLY went on or is going on...I mean, it's like being in a movie and the players are not who we married!!!
Sheba Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 What exactly do you want to know? Is it simply "did you have sex with that woman"? Why do you think that that he has been unfaithful?
Author mountain girl Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Lots of changes...and an EA...and TONS of typical denial and avoidance...
Sheba Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 I still don't know what information you are looking for. It it were me I would not want the intimate details of a physical relationship. It would be enough to know he had one and anything more would be salt in the wound. I suppose that I might want more information about an EA, so I could judge whether or not it had gotten so intimate that it had passed my personal boundaries of tolerance. If that is the case for you, all you can do is search phones and computers and places he is likely to stash mementos. And ask him, of course. I don't see how you could ever be sure you had the full story. If there is suspicious behaviour like claiming to be "staying late at the office" I would go to the office and surprise him. Perhaps bring a treat, in case he is really there.
FireandIce Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 It depends on the person. If your husband is the type of guy that will still lie even when faced with facts then nothing you can say or do will pry out the truth. BUT if he's the type of guy that spills his guts once you confront him with something that you know to be true then try that. When I found out about my WH's affair I kept it to myself for awhile until I could figure out what to do. It wasn't until I just couldn't keep it in anymore did I actually confront him. He wasn't living here at the time (I had already kicked him out. Long story...) but was here hanging out after dropping the kids off. I finally just said "so I got an interesting phone call today. How long has the affair been going on for?" He was shocked and of course denied it at first but then after telling him that I had already heard from a few other people before the phone call that day, well he finally admitted everything. I didn't actually get a phone call that day and I didn't actually hear it from one of his friends which I led him to believe. Actually I didn't tell him who had told me which I think was one of the reasons he finally admitted it to me. He just assumed it was one of his close friends because only a few of them knew about the whole thing. So you could try something like that. I'm not sure if your husband has already admitted to the EA or not but if he hasn't and you know it's going on then just pretend like someone told you. If you just want to know if it's still going on then all you can do is check up on him. Like another poster said, if he claims to be working late then show up. If he says that he's going to a friends house then show up. You don't even have to go in (unless you want to), just drive by. That's about all you can do I think.
Author mountain girl Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Yeah, he was caught talking on a cell phone... But past that it's been pure denial that anything happened or anything is even wrong with what DID happen. I just hate the new me who wants to snoop and find clues. Because this limbo of not knowing whether anything worse has happened is having its effect.
Melissa277 Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 I know you said H is or was having an EA, and doesn't see anything wrong with it. Did something new happen? I just said basically the same thing in another post. I hate the new me, too. Same reasons. Why do they have to be such stupid, lying jerks?
Lizzie60 Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Are there any super clever ways to pry out the truth from the waywards? It amazes me that so many posters here are left in such total and utter darkness about what REALLY went on or is going on...I mean, it's like being in a movie and the players are not who we married!!! ... are no clever ways to pry out the truth... the best way is to follow your gut feeling.. if you have a strong feeling he is cheating... he's probably cheating. ... I have to say that most women have absolutely NO idea their husbands are cheating. Those guys are clever too... they can hide any trace really well. ... when I ask my MMs if their wife has doubt... they say no, they would never ever doubt anything... a lot of men cheat on their work hours.. so it's hard for the wife to doubt anything... there are zillion of excuses they find to cheat... ...sometimes, when the affair gets a bit too 'heavy' too emotional, then some signs are more evident... and it mainly the same signs for all of the cheaters.
michelangelo Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Of course there are ways to get a liar to slip up and cough up a bit of the truth. You can extrapolate from what you know, what likely had happened. I bluffed with my cheating wife, I told her I'd followed her to the apartment complex where she'd been cheating and saw the car parked there. see, she was trying to say it only happened once. I knew in my gut it happened a lot more often than that. Faced with my bluff she admitted more than once occurred. Not every cheater will cave, but some will stop lying or at least give up a little more of the truth when they think you know more about it than you really do.
Lynna Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 They are not going to want to tell the truth for a variety of reasons. First, of course they don't want to be caught. Second, they may not actually want to hurt you any more, so they will initially lie to conceal what has happened, then they will lie further to keep you from knowing the full truth. So getting the full truth is a very difficult task unless you can come up with actual evidence to confront them with.
Havn_a_life Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 They are not going to want to tell the truth for a variety of reasons. First, of course they don't want to be caught. Second, they may not actually want to hurt you any more, so they will initially lie to conceal what has happened, then they will lie further to keep you from knowing the full truth. So getting the full truth is a very difficult task unless you can come up with actual evidence to confront them with. I agree here. If they like cheating and sneaking around, you couldn't pry it outa them with a crowbar. No evidence equals no confession. A cheating spouse can be pretty slick. Sadly.
Bobster999 Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 I thought every guy knew to deny, deny deny. Even faced with insurmountable evidence you should deny anything ever happened.
quiet1one1 Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Faced with my bluff she admitted more than once occurred. I obtained solid evidence but didn't let my W "see my cards". Knowing the fact gave me the gonads** to semi-bluff my W into confessing. This may not work with men as easily. I could have went with what I had but I wanted to hear it from her. I say if it's proof you need, get it any way you can. Then be sly and careful with that information.
woe_is_me Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 I just realised that in my M it was the OW who got my xH busted.. with a phone call.. I had my suspicions but no proof. Now xMM has been busted .. with a phone call .. by me! his OW! What goes around surely does come around.
lrae Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Oh Mountain Girl - from so many of your posts, I feel that you and I are living the same life. Sorry about that, cause many of my days really blow!! Anyhow, in my case - I have a deny, deny and deny once more kinda guy. The only truth I've gotten from him has been based on what I found for myself and then bluffed out of him. It makes me sick, really. I've never been the jealous or suspicous type - and now I feel like I'm outta control. So, I just try to stop and think twice before I do or say anything lately. It helps me to know that I can at least control my reaction to the devastation my H brought into our lives. I can't control him or his actions but I can control my responses. Anyhow, what I've read says to really watch his body language and focus less on what is being said. You get used to his give aways and I think our guts still know when things are not quite right.
quiet1one1 Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 This is a horrible way to live isn't it? It takes over your life. I hate the person this has turned me into. Many times I wonder if I should just turn my back and walk away...but will I be able to trust the next gal that comes into my life? It has wounded me forever, I'm afraid.
Lynna Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 You are right, it is horrible and we will never be the same again. That is what made my husband break down completely after I confronted him. When I told him how I would now always wonder, always doubt, never be able to completely trust again, he broke down completely. He said that one of the things he loved so much about me was my trusting nature. How honest and open I was. He said it was killing him to realize that he had caused me to loose that. That he had been the one to destroy something he loved so much. Only then did he realize the full and complete implications of his actions. The only thing that those of us who have been betrayed can do is try and move on as best we can. We have to try and convince our SOs that we need them to show us that it is okay to trust again. And that is going to be a very tough road. Both parties have to want to rebuild that trust or it will never come back even in a partial form.
shadowofman Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Create an environment where he/she doesn't feel like they have to lie. Try to accept the truth without getting angry, haha, if you can. First you want to know if your SO is thinking about sex with others? I'm sure you can come up with an easy trap to discover that one. Use hypotheticals. Make a game. "If Kiera Knightley asked you for a one night stand and there was no way I would ever know about, would you feel more guilty if you accepted or if you missed your opportunity to have sex with Keira Knightley forever. Or bluff and interrogate.
Author mountain girl Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 Oh Mountain Girl - from so many of your posts, I feel that you and I are living the same life. Sorry about that, cause many of my days really blow!! Anyhow, in my case - I have a deny, deny and deny once more kinda guy. The only truth I've gotten from him has been based on what I found for myself and then bluffed out of him. It makes me sick, really. I've never been the jealous or suspicous type - and now I feel like I'm outta control. So, I just try to stop and think twice before I do or say anything lately. It helps me to know that I can at least control my reaction to the devastation my H brought into our lives. I can't control him or his actions but I can control my responses. Anyhow, what I've read says to really watch his body language and focus less on what is being said. You get used to his give aways and I think our guts still know when things are not quite right. Yup, we're living parallel lives. I, too, have never been jealous, except with good just cause. I am the first one to give my guy his freedom...go play golf...go camping...go out with your friends. I like my own space and I enjoy having quiet time alone. But this has been so bizarre. The last week or so I have disengaged myself to some degree and it is helping. But we don't talk about anything. I learned at MC...in his words and when asked (1) he has never had any physical relationships while we've been married, (2) he does find OW attractive and (3) he would pursue her if he weren't married. Why do I feel even yuckier now. Does he know what those words mean to me??? I can honestly say that I have never felt I would pursue another man at any time during our 27 years together had we not been married. I said my vows and turned off the hunt. Why does he feel different?
Lynna Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 I can honestly say that I have never felt I would pursue another man at any time during our 27 years together had we not been married. I said my vows and turned off the hunt. Why does he feel different? I think part of that is biological instinct. Women are driven by instinct to find a strong mate to be partner, protector, father, etc. once they have that, they are generally pretty content, and as you said, they stop looking. Men are driven by instinct to procreate. From personal experience, most of the men I know never stop looking at women, and they admit that they would go after attractive ones if they were not in a relationship. I think the looking and the desire are natural. But the fact that they DON'T go after them shows that they are dedicated to the woman and the relationship that they are in. That is a VERY GOOD thing! Looking and liking are not bad, it is normal, instinctive. Look at the cultures and groups that have had polygamy. Most of the cases I know about it is the man who has multiple wives.
Chubbi Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 I think it's safe to say you may never know the full extent of that fling, even if he does volunteer some information, alot of it will be fluff and stuff, especially when you ask him why. But that's not too bad, is it? Nothing will cure the rampant imagination, and the imagination growing on the imagination. Nothing he say, at least.
michelangelo Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 I think part of that is biological instinct. Women are driven by instinct to find a strong mate to be partner, protector, father, etc. once they have that, they are generally pretty content, and as you said, they stop looking. Men are driven by instinct to procreate. From personal experience, most of the men I know never stop looking at women, and they admit that they would go after attractive ones if they were not in a relationship. I think the looking and the desire are natural. But the fact that they DON'T go after them shows that they are dedicated to the woman and the relationship that they are in. That is a VERY GOOD thing! Looking and liking are not bad, it is normal, instinctive. Look at the cultures and groups that have had polygamy. Most of the cases I know about it is the man who has multiple wives. Women may be less inclined to go looking for unfaithful liaisons, but that doesn't mean that they don't allow themselves to be pursued and to cheat at just about the same rate as the men that cheat do. Biology may explain a man's urge to go looking and to woo a married woman into cheating, but it also explains a woman's interest in being pursued and wooed into cheating. I think it is a mistake to believe that somehow men are captives of their biology in ways that women are not. Have you read the studies on the percentage of children born within marriages where their father is not really their biological father?
Lynna Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Women may be less inclined to go looking for unfaithful liaisons, but that doesn't mean that they don't allow themselves to be pursued and to cheat at just about the same rate as the men that cheat do. Biology may explain a man's urge to go looking and to woo a married woman into cheating, but it also explains a woman's interest in being pursued and wooed into cheating. Oh, yes, I agree. Women are definitely not innocent of wrongdoing here. I know plenty of them have A too for a variety of reasons. All I was trying to say is that it is natural amd instinctive for men to look and I think it is unreasonable to expect them not to look at all. Women will pursue and allow themselves to pursue too, especially if they are for some reason unsatisfied with their chosen mate. So yes, biology explains it both ways. It makes me wonder sometimes whether humans are really meant to be monogamous? Maybe it is society that is making us think we have to be that way. Maybe biologically we are supposed to wander a bit. I think we have shown in through plenty of natural disasters that humans are not very good at controlling nature. Maybe all these affairs are natural disasters of us trying to change basic biology?
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