Chinook Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 I wasn't sure where else to put this... Me: Female, 37, single, no kids. Him: Male, 34, divorced, two kids. I've been dating my b/f for 6 months now. We live around 3 hours drive from each other but he works in IT and is able to work from home during the week - so he does so from my house Tuesday to Friday. He sees his kids at the weekends and during school holidays. Basically, we're having some problems which are kinda hard to quantify. The problems feature constant bickering and fighting at the moment (not physical). He is very often making comments and jokes at my expense which I don't take kindly to - but generally I let things go because I don't want another fight. We had a mother of all fights last week and he stayed home (his choice). Generally some of the things which are concerning me are... I feel like I don't have a voice in discussions I feel unheard when expressing myself I can't express how I really feel about things for fear of reprisals I often keep opinions to myself for the sake of saving an argument I feel like I have been silenced by his attitude on things I think he sees himself as the most important thing in this relationship I feel that he is trying to be controlling so I fight against it I feel that he doesn't value my contributions My issues aren't as important as his and never will be it seems My words are misinterpreted either on purpose or intentionally twisted My intentions don't come out right or he sees things which aren't true and jumps to his own conclusions. This is a relationship which previously has been very intense and I would have said we were very close. Last week he went home and basically he was sullen and distant. I had asked him whilst he was here several times what the problem was and he said 'nothing' or 'I'm tired'. I understand when a guy can't be pushed on something not to push it. But, the distance he created (not being intimate, ignoring me etc) made me think he may have actually been ready to end things and I didn't know why. So over last week whilst he was at home an intense fight broke out over email. I told him all of the above and explained that I didn't know why he was pushing me away and why things were suddenly different. He still didn't really answer any of the discussion points and nothing was really resolved. The problem is this is the fourth time this has happened. As I explained to him, I would be as happy as a pig in muck if it weren't for these tensions being created - from my point of view by him. I've asked him time and again what his problem is and got nowhere because there doesn't seem to BE a problem. He says the women in his life have always been high maintenance - but it's almost like he creates these situations in order to garner some high intensity emotion. So basically, I've reached breaking point. The problem is, I really think a lot of him. I didn't want to lose him - up until today. He was supposed to come to my house this week as usual and spend 6 days with me. The premise of which was 'sorting all this out'. But whilst I was at work today I was sat at my desk and burst into tears because I don't want to feel as bad as I did last week and as great as things are when we make up, things in between are pretty bad. He decides when he'll speak to me either by phone, email or MSN. I have no choice but to hang around waiting for him to contact me. In addition to that I've found that he's befriended quite a number of my male and female friends - so I can't actually talk to any of them in confidence about this issue now. So this afternoon I wrote him an email asking him not to come this week because I couldn't face another fight, or being made to feel responsible for us not succeeding. I asked him and explained that given what has happened and considering his pushing me away hurt me quite alot considering how close we'd been - I just needed some time and space to get used to how distant we are now. I felt it was too soon to see him. Now, he's ignoring me. I'm really at a loss because I feel like I can't do or say anything for myself now - I feel like I should have let him come here and that would have made me uncomfortable in my own home. I just have no clue how long I can deal with this - or how. I know I should probably walk away but it's not easy to switch off the feelings. I just don't know. Sorry I'm rambling
funkybassplayer Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 This sounds too one sided with him not caring about your feelings. You did the best thing by telling him to stay away, and to follow, you maybe should take a break for this week with no contact (as hes not talking to you anyway) and see how you feel after. Maybe in the week you may feel that you are a little clearer in the head, and that this chap may not be good for you and your health! and if so, get shot and carry on with no contact. He sounds like my ex g/f high maintenace, they are energy vampires! But thats just my opinion!!
Author Chinook Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Thanks. I posted this over on the 'Dating' board under the title 'power struggles' as I really am not sure what exactly the hell is going on to be honest. I really felt like nothing was wrong a week ago and all this emotional upheaval hit out of nowhere and now I just can't bring myself to face him for fear of getting hurt again. You're right he isn't talking to me - I know that for sure now. It's 9pm here and he usually calls me or mails (like I said, when he's good and ready) and he hasn't - he ignored my last mail. So I kinda know I'm being ignored for needing a little time out. Thanks for your response though.
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