lack of experience, did it contribute?

[oppath]

I don't know why my ex dumped me. I did not get a reason aside from "it's not you, it's me. I don't know who I am and need to find myself". Ultimately, reasons don't really matter. She must have retained a good opinion of me if she still wanted to be FWB, though she clearly didn't respect me or my boundaries. And, she did lie to me about big things going on in her life prior to the breakup. She essentially cheated -- maybe nothing physical happened -- but if her ex proposed to her and she didn't tell me they were talking or it happened...I don't want to be with someone who would lie.

 

But...I haven't had many relationships, no long term ones. This is a source of insecurity, and it comes up when dating someone. In fact, a girl will blame my lack of a LTR on something. Now, there are two sides to this...there probably are things I neglect or lack because I'm used to being single, but at the same time, the girl will probably just be projecting an uncertainty of hers on the fact that I haven't had many relationships (though I've dated a lot).

 

I guess I'm having some self doubts, wondering if my lack of experience caused me to behave in a way that made my gf lose interest. I wasn't clingy. If anything, I wasn't romantic enough, and she may have felt I wasn't super serious about her (though I was). I simply don't know. One striking thing is that she lived with her parents, and I did not get her parents a christmas gift before I left to see my parents. I honestly didn't know if I'd see them the week before, and I expected nothing from them. Now, I felt bad about this, and got them something when I was away. I can see how I should have gotten them a small gift. My gf was big on generosity and sharing stuff. I didn't understand etiquitte because I'm not a big gift giver, even to my family, as I was a graduate student. I had given them small tokens before, such as on halloween bringing mini-pumpkins for decorations.

 

I know it doesn't matter. Maybe, me being uncomfortable and inexperienced, I did some things that turned her off. But ultimately, she did lie to me. I need to get it in my head that I don't wouldn't want a liar, and I wouldn't want someone who could disrespect me so greatly as to want to be FWB two weeks after a non-mutual breakup. After a friendship is reestablished...ask away, but I told her not to contact me at all.

 

So here I sit, trying to find blame in my behaviors that led to the breakup, as if it would make things better. It's irrational. Surely, I made mistakes in the relationship and did things that rubbed her the wrong way. She did those things to me too. But for some reason I want to pinpoint some behavior of mine that I can correct.

 

I know we weren't right for each other; she did lie and betray my trust. I was essentially a rebound. But I was in love, so I guess I blame myself for the relationship ending, even though I would have ended it had I learned what I learned from mutual friends after the breakup. Dishonesty has no place in a relationship, but I don't know why it happened. she didn't love me, at least not enough, that is why it happened, but I'm trying to find blame to place on myself.

 

I guess I need to reassert some things:

• even if inexperience on my part turned her off in some way, I could have loads of experience, and still turn her off even more greatly. She has the responsibility to communicate what she'd like more of, and when she did, I did respond.
  
• it's a good thing the relationship ended. She lied. She didn't respect my boundaries. And her true character showed when she asked to be FWB; if we were hanging out and flirting and it happened, that is one thing, but I made it clear I wanted no contact and the only way friendship would happen would be months down the line. That boundary was clear.
  
• I was the one more willing to communicate honestly how I felt despite the fact she was more verbally affectionate early in the relationship. I would express how I felt and WHY; she often left out the why.
  
• I can't change the past

But for some reason, I can't but think it was my fault, even though HER ACTIONS at the end are not forgivable.

 

But could the lack of experience been a cause too? I'm trying to convince myself that the only thing my lack of experience did was allow me to naively enter a relationship with someone fresh out of a long term one and to allow my boundaries to be violated (i.e. hanging out with the ex when he didn't know she had a new bf). My lack of experience mostly led me to make some inappropriate choices. And even if she were to say "your lack of experience turned me off here and here," it wouldn't make it true. It could just be her excuse, even an excuse to not accept her own responsibilities.

 

I don't know. I'm having a hard time leaving this behind. She lied. She betrayed trust. I need to realize, that even if my lack of experience turned her off somehow -- her ex proposed to her 2 weeks before the breakup and she didn't tell me about it -- assuming my experiences did exist and there wasn't some "reason" on my behalf, and she did not dump me, if I learned this information 1 week, 1 month, 1 year later, I probably would have dumped her. The reasons don't matter. What matters is she dumped me, it is over, and more importantly, I should be glad she is gone.

 

So why am I questioning myself? It's been almost as long (approaching 5 months) of a breakup as it was a relationship (6). I want to leave this behind me.

[hrtbroken99]

I also never really got a reason why my ex left me.

He just called me out of the blues and kicked me out of his life.

It has been 7 months for me.

I have also gone throught the stage of figuring out why it happened and many times even till this day, also thought it was because of my lack of experience. He was my first serious relationship, first love, etc. He gave me a LOT of false hope and fake predictions about the future and then just betrayed and abandoned me.

 

I dont think you should put blame entirely on yourself or if you think it is because of the lack of experience. Because I never got any full closure I still have thoughts going through my head.

 

I would recommend you stick with NC. Your ex doesnt sound like she had all her stuff together if she was hanging out with an ex while she had a bf etc.

 

Stick with NC, keep yourself busy, and FOCUS ON YOURSELF

[oppath]

Yes, she was my first "serious" relationship, the first person to say "I love you" to me, etc. For me the end was sudden; for her it surely was on her mind for a couple weeks. I am experienced in maintaining friendships over long distances, I am experienced in some conflict resolution, etc. Not having much experience probably wasn't an issue, as people in my situation get into long lasting relationships that work out just fine. In fact, my lack of experience allowed me to tolerate unacceptable behavior. She's hang out with her when he didn't know she had a new boyfriend -- and she wouldn't tell him so as not to hurt his feelings. That is BULL****. But I put up with it. I've had girls use experience against me before, and it took some time, but ultimately, I came to the conclusion "with more experience, I would not have been with them." I can apply that same lesson here too. I've learned some powerful lessons about what my boundaries are and how to assert them.

[oppath]

Actually, I'd kind of like this thread closed.

 

I realize how totally irrational it is to think this way. It's over because we are not right for each other. It's that simple. I'm not to blame, and it serves no purpose to assess the past unless I apply those lessons to the present and future. Problem solving in the past does nothing, so it's really pointless. I have nothing to learn from the irrational thoughts going through my head.

[madgun68]

Hey,

 

I thought I'd jump in real quick just in case this thread does get closed..

 

If you haven't been in many serious relationships, that can influence a break-up. If you're getting things wrong, your partner may think that it's happening because you're not really investing in to the relationship fully.

 

(I learned this first hand.)

 

I wouldn't go so far as to say that would be entirely the cause, but it can compound problems.