MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 He knew I was dating others, or at least meeting others online same as how we met. We met in person after a month or so, and ended up having sex on the first date and on the other 4 dates. I explained to him yesterday that I feel this may have complicated things. He kept telling me there's nothing to worry about. I said I'm a girl, I worry. There has been no talk about being exclusive, although I'm pretty sure I am the only one he is seeing, as he works alot. I didn't know how to continue the conversation. I am a terrible communicator, and have a very hard time speaking my feelings. I wanted to tell him I want to back off, not have sex, take some time to be objective, and think things through, make sure this is right for me. But I clammed up. Now that we've had sex, I feel guilty if I want to date other guys. I won't sleep with anyone else. But, I have been dating another guy who is getting very close to wanting exlcusivity, and I told him about this guy. What should I do? I'm scared of hurting him, I'm scared if I go with the other guy I'll get hurt again, I don't want a ****ty lonely summer - and No, I'm not scared to be alone, I like both these men, and would love to be with one of them.
Art_Critic Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Personally since you have had sex then you need to make a choice between the two.. You have to chose.. or you lose... If you want to be with the guy you have not slept with then break it off with the guy you did sleep with and go after a relationship with the first guy.. By the way.. still being married is a wedge in an exclusive relationship... being that technically you are still married to someone else you technically cannot be truly exclusive to another till the divorce is final... at least not in the same way that he can be exclusive to you..
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 As a matter of fact, I have the divorce papers sitting on my desk at home. They just need to be tweaked, signed, gather some financial info, and it's a done deal. Exclusive in my dictionary is only dating one guy. Funny, the first guy, two years ago, told me sex complicates things. I didn't understand then, but I have come so far in 2 1/2 years since I separated. I have learned things I wish I knew when I was 16. I am seeing the sex guy tomorrow night. I don't know how to do this... I really like him and I know he really likes me... I don't know if I will truly be happy with the first guy. How does one know? I'm sooo confused. If I knew I could be happy, if I knew I would get bored, but even just asking this, does that mean I would get bored?
Art_Critic Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 I am seeing the sex guy tomorrow night. I don't know how to do this... I really like him and I know he really likes me... I don't know if I will truly be happy with the first guy. How does one know? I'm sooo confused. If I knew I could be happy, if I knew I would get bored, but even just asking this, does that mean I would get bored? you just jump off the ledge and close your eyes.. there are no guarantees with love.. By the way.. congrats on getting the papers.. now get em signed and filed.. Something tells me that your relationships are going to change after your divorce is final..
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 but what if he's the one I want? I guess I will see, depending on his reaction to stopping sex for a while. What do u think will change in my relationships? The guys? me? Maybe I will end up with 4 men? haha
Art_Critic Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 What do u think will change in my relationships? The guys? me? Maybe I will end up with 4 men? haha You mostly... but you will get guys that normally won't give you a second look.. Your relationships will get better with the guys you date also.. you will be taken more seriously as far as being a partner is concerned.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 He is expecting me to come over tonight and spend the night (it's a 45 min drive). I want to tell him we need to slow it down and stop sleeping together. I need to take a step back so I can take a practical look at the situation and evaluate if this is right for me. I never know how to start the conversation. So... let's talk... that scares guys lol. Do I just say "I'm here...but...I'm not spending the night..." and then start the conversation as soon as I get there? We started off way too fast (again). We talked so much on line, for a month, and I talked about how I really wanted to take time to get to know someone, not jump into sex right away, and that I wanted the guy I was with to be repsectful of that so I wouldn't have to fight him off. Well, we couldn't keep our hands off each other the first date, and I didn't fight him off, but I was a bit disappointed in myself. Not then, but now I am. And also disappointed that he didn't respect my wishes, although he is a super super guy, kind of quiet, but soooo nice. He'll just say no worries. But, there are worries. There is someone else I want to also date, evaluate, get to know, but not sleep with. Now that we slept together, I felt I had to stop dating other guys, and I didn't want that. I wanted to be free to pick and choose. I feel like he took that away, but I don't want to tell him that because it's just as much my fault that this happened. Please tell me, how do I talk to him tonight? Give me something that will help me not chicken out or wimp out. Thanks.
electric_sheep Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 You just need to be completely honest and open with everyone. You know, that is pretty much the only rule when it comes to relationships. How's that for simple! Seriously though, it's the truth. So long as you are honest and open, there really is no "right way" or "wrong way". Sex is really only as complicated as we make it, but you need to be honest with yourself too. Could be the "sex guy" wants to date exclusively, or could be he is perfectly fine with having sex with you while you are dating other guys too. People will surprise you. He might not mind slowing things down, but then again he might really have his feelings hurt. For all you know, he is seeing someone else too. Transparency and honesty are truly amazing, and are in almost all cases the way to be.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 I know you're right, it sounds good on paper. But I can never get the words out. I get all wimpy and childish. The last time I tried to have an "honest" discussion was breaking up with my bf of ten months. He was hurt and pizzed off. I think this guy will be hurt but I think he will understand, or at least he will say he understands. I don't want this to just be about sex. I know he still goes on the dating site, or last time I went on just to check HIS last sign-in date LOL. But, I also know he works alot, but you're right, maybe we aren't exclusive. Okay, I will just start talking when I get there. OR...should I say something on the phone first?
Art_Critic Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 I don't want this to just be about sex. I know he still goes on the dating site, or last time I went on just to check HIS last sign-in date LOL. This is the correct way to feel... To me I'm exclusive as soon as I exchange bodily fluids.. even if she isn't I am at the very least respectful enough to myself and her to be monogamous till I see which way it goes.. I would just be blunt with him.. blunt is good...
frygirl Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 I'm not trying attack the OP down or anything, but this particular subject is one that annoys me to no end. I really get riled up anytime I hear a woman say she slept with a guy too soon and now wants to stop having sex and expect the guy to be OK with it. They usually say that if the guy "respects" them than they should. I just see it as the classic case of bait and switch. If you are not ready to sleep with a guy, than don't. Its not fair to sleep with him and then throw on the breaks so you can explore your options with another guy. If a man had made this post he would have been ripped to shreds and rightfully so. If a guy came to me and said I want to keep dating you but let's not sleep together anymore because I want to date other women too, I would toss him to the curb. The OP needs to make a choice. Either you continue to see the sex guy exclusively or you end things with him and date other people. Any other way and its just an insult to all men involved.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 If you are not ready to sleep with a guy, than don't. Its not fair to sleep with him and then throw on the breaks so you can explore your options with another guy. I wasn't ready to sleep with him. But I did. Is that a reason to end it? I was already exploring other options with the other guy but feeling guilty because of the sex. I don't feel right having sex if I don't want to be exclusive right now. I could explore this, pursue it further, and tell the other guy I only want to be friends. But even if I decide this, I still want to slow down on the sex part and get to know him better. We don't have to have sex every time we're together. It's been 7 times in 5 dates!
frygirl Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 As a fellow divorcee, I understand how you are feeling right now. My marriage ended probably around the same time yours did and I've gone through my binge dating stages as well. I get it. You want to date and have fun with out the pressure of being tied down until you meet the "right guy." The problem is it takes alot of time to figure out if a guy or the realtionship is right for you and you don't want to miss out on some one special because you were messing around with the wrong guy. I struggled with that as well for a while but in the end I discovered it was unfair for me to keep putting guys on hold like that. As long as I wasn't sleeping with anyone it was OK to date multiple guys, but as soon as I crossed that line I needed to make the choice. Even if I crossed the line sooner than I was ready it didn't mean I could keep stringing everyone along until I was ready to decide. That kind of behavior is considered wrong for a man and should be for a woman as well. Now if you tell the sex guy that you want to slow down, stop having sex and continue dating other men and he is OK with it, than good for you. But honestly the odds of that happening are slim. Be prepared for him to not find your terms acceptable. Some times you can't have it all.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 Thanks frygirl, you are right on the money with that reply. I am prepared for him to kick me to the curb. I'm just not so sure I'm prepared for things to not work out with the other guy. It's been on and off for 2 years. Now he seems to be really ready but we're both scared, we both admitted this, but we do have the communication going. I'm scared that I might resort to my old ways... thinking I can find someone better looking, or more fun, or whatever. I have to stop looking if I decide to date him, even if we take it slow. Now, for tonight, I thought of emailing him to confirm and this is what I typed so far: "small talk blah blah...I am blah blah at X:00 today and then I can come over. I won't spend the night but I am looking forward to spending the evening with you :D" How does that sound? Will he get worried? I found a good web site something like baggage claim dot uk that had an article on multi dating (but stressed NO sex LOL) ugggh...
jcster Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 I understand that you're worried that this guy will be upset, but really it's a moot point. Are you willing to keep sleeping with him, even when you don't want to, to keep him? That's certainly no way to start a relationship. So - you have the talk with him - he's either ok with it or he's not. You said it yourself - you need to figure out what's going on with the other guy in your life. Sleeping with this new guy is just going to make that harder to do.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 OK so what do I say? I should write this on my hand or something. My mind goes blank and I will have a hard time thinking and saying what I want to say. I emailed him as I mentioned above (about not spending the night). I will bring up the email and tell him "I am not spending the night because ... " -this is going too fast and I need to take a step back -you are the only person I am sleeping with -BUT I am finding it hard to sleep with you and still see and talk to the guy(s) I was seeing and talking to before we met -I know this isn't fair to you now that we have had sex but I can't continue feeling guilty about having sex with you, and I need to talk to you about my feelings -I am still evaluating what I want/need out of a relationship and whether or not this one is right for me -pause and let him respond ... and let things go from there How's that?
jcster Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Hmmmm. -this is going too fast and I need to take a step back That's a good opener. -you are the only person I am sleeping with Is that necessary? Is it really any of his business right now? -BUT I am finding it hard to sleep with you and still see and talk to the guy(s) I was seeing and talking to before we met I would leave this part out. It's really none of his business, and it will make him nervous about where he stands. -I know this isn't fair to you now that we have had sex but I can't continue feeling guilty about having sex with you, and I need to talk to you about my feelings Again, I think this is too much information. -I am still evaluating what I want/need out of a relationship and whether or not this one is right for me How about "I am still evaluating what I want/need out of a relationship." Otherwise, it will make him feel like he's being evaluated - which might be true, but it makes anyone nervous to hear it. I guess what I'm trying to point out is that you only need to talk about how you feel. If you keep bringing him into the discussion (ie: I feel guilty, I don't know if this relationship is right for me, there are other people I'm seeing) then there will be hard feelings. From what you wrote here, it almost sounds as if you are hoping that he will break up with you. Wouldn't it make more sense to just slow things down and take your time deciding? You can always break up with him later if it seems appropriate. How about something like this (a synthesis of what you wrote): "I'm still trying to figure out what I want out of a relationship, and even though I really like you, I think we're going to fast. Can we just back off of the sex for a little while and get to know each other? I think it will be really worth it in the future." If he asks you if you are seeing other guys, you can say yes, and then let him know that he's the only guy you've been sleeping with. Remember, you don't need to justify what you feel - the simple fact that you feel that way is enough.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 Thanks. Wish me luck. I'm so nervous.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 I talked to him to confirm our evening together. He hadn't seen my email, so I told him I wasn't going to spend the night. He asked why and of course I stuttered.... "I dunno....I'm tired, didn't sleep well last night" arghhh So then about an hour later he text'd me that we have to reschedule cuz he got called back to work. Story of my friggin life...although I really do believe him, because he also asked if I was free this wknd. I said yes, but you have to work, he said oh ya. Then he asked when I have my vacation etc etc and well, it looks like I won't see him for at least another week, maybe two or three, or never. He said we'll figure something out. I'll talk to him on the phone tomorrow night. I guess this is one way of slowing things down, but the problem is we hardly ever get to chat on the phone either. Now what? What do I say on the phone IF we talk before I see him again? At least this will help me keep things slow with the other guy, who I am seeing Friday night. This guy knows we're not exclusive... maybe he will cancel on me too and I'll be back to square one. That wouldn't surprise me as he has done that to me before. Seriously, I must be pms'ing. I'm really bummed right now.
Art_Critic Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Seriously, I must be pms'ing. I'm really bummed right now. Don't be bummed.. this will work out in the end.. You should feel good about yourself for dealing with an issue before the problem developed He may pull away from you and remain in touch.. he may try and win you over or he may just disappear.. It is all good and you did send him the email and get the dialog going.. if it never comes to fruition or a conclusion then it really wasn't meant to be..
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 He may have decided he didn't want to get hurt tonight, so either made up the excuse or actually went to work. Funny... he showed busy status on msn after he had supposedly gone back to work, but now is showing online (his doesn't go to away status automatically or so it has appeared). If he pulls away, I'll let him go. I think I already have in a way....given him an out. Ok I'll stop now. I went and worked out at the gym and washed my vehicle. On another note, AC...I got 3 cards in the mail telling me I have to go pick up a registered letter at the post office...all 3 were dated today. Do divorce papers come like that? Wondering if my ex beat me to it.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 I don't think that's what she meant, she was telling me I had to end it. I'm going to just wait it out. You must have been editing while I was replying LOL. I agree with the rest of your post cheval.
Mary3 Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Sorry * but * you should not have slept ( so soon ) with him if you had intentions of making him a boyfriend. He got the goods . * mission accomplished * . He is * busy * now on MSN.. In the future : If you are getting serious about someone have him WAIT until you see its going somewhere. ( If a serious relationship is what you are looking for and not just fun play ) A man really will WAIT , he really will if he wants to respect the idea of you establishing something higher. Its too late to take it back . You did it. I would not contact him. Sex made things all fuzzy and confusing ....You get the answers BEFORE you go intimate. Its like you slept with him. Now you want answers .....the answer is : You slept with him. He is going to play you now , either ignore you or / and come back for more sex. You never got to the relationship status.... This is the reality.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 Things happen for a reason. I'm so disappointed because for the first month, we talked alot about waiting. I explained to him why I was setting boundaries, and wanted to form a relationship slowly, following the proper stages of dating. Then, we jumped in the sack on the first date. You're right, now I want answers, and he is willing to tell me what I want to know, we talked about this the other day. But it's not so much interrogation as me wanting to back up and go through the required stages before intimacy. We have no business being in the bedroom at this stage of the game. If he feels we can't back up, then I will accept that this is not going to develop into a relationship. Now I'm not so sure I even want one. I have a date on Friday night with the other guy, and we plan on having more dates. I may not get the closure as you said A-C. I will have to be okay with that, and not worry myself over whether he is okay with that.
Art_Critic Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 I may not get the closure as you said A-C. I will have to be okay with that, and not worry myself over whether he is okay with that. Just don't be hard on yourself.. you did nothing wrong.. Dating is tough period.. unless you are 21.. Have fun on Friday night
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