chasinghappiness Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Ok...I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now and we moved along quite quickly. I practically moved in with him after one month of dating and we've been happy. He is divorced and has a son from his previous marriage...(that's an entirely different discussion!) All that he talks about (has talked about since we started dating) was that he wants to marry me, make a life with me, family...etc. I love him, but he has some issues relating to sadness in not seeing his son (he gets him every other weekend) and he lost his job 2 weeks after we started dating...so, he is a bit depressed, I think. OK..I'm getting off track....just wanted to give a bit of background....So, when he left this morning (to go on an interview) he left his computer on and was logged onto his email. I snooped...I know I shouldn't have...but, I just couldn't help it. I noticed that he talks to a few girls...I think they are people that he talked to when he was going through his divorce and made friends with...but, he continues talking to them. He NEVER mentions me and says things like...I miss you..etc. I can't get into details....but it upsets me. None of them talk about meeting up or anything like that...but, he had problems with this in the past (one of the reasons he's divorced). He never cheated on her..and I don't think he is a cheater, but I don't like the fact that he chats or emails with girls and doesn't mention me. They know all about his life, what's going on with him (detailed stuff that only a girlfriend or wife should know about) and I don't like it. I don't know whether I should mention it or not? There are so many other things that I'm confused about right now in this relationship, but I'm sure you're tired reading this now. Thanks! I appreciate any help...I'm lost!
quankanne Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 does he know that you know about these internet friendships? If so, maybe a harmless way to get to "know" these folks is to ask how they are doing, if anything exciting (marriage, pregnancy, child started kindergarten/graduated, etc) is going on in their lives ... just get him to share his friends with you. That might make things a bit easier knowing that he's cool with letting you into that part of his life. however, if he's hesitant to let them become part of your life, even in an indirect way, that's not good – he's being secretive, and it's something you should discuss. Not in a heated debate, just a simple but firm conversation about how uncomfortable a situation it creates when he keeps particular friendships a secret.
Author chasinghappiness Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 He has told me that he made relationships with people in the past (through the internet) and it helped him through a rough time. I know for a fact that one of these people is someone that he knew in real life, because she has met his son, etc. He always tells me that he has no secrets, but I have trouble trusting him. Even if he considers it harmless, I have to address it...I think I'll go crazy if I don't. Thanks!
Steveto Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 You need to ask..not in a mean or confronting way, but say hey..I had to use the internet when you were gone and a couple strange women msg'd you..who are they..with a puzzled look..not angry..just say you're curious because you want to know his friends too..then when you get to know them you can get all the dirt..if he has any..but you NEED to ask because assuming only makes it worse... I, myself have hundreds of contacts that I chat to and half are women..some are friends, colleagues, people I have never met or business. and yes, some of them know personal things about me. Anyone I date, I tell them..no secrets..if you want to know something just ask..I have nothing to hide..one of the reasons people like talking to me..because I am straight forward like that. ..I personally don't like snooping...if you are curious..ask and I will say..go ahead..but the important thing is ASK. Just my 2 cents
Author chasinghappiness Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 I do appreicate what you are saying and it sounds similar to what my boyfriend would say....I guess it just hurts my feelings that he has never mentioned me to any of these women. I honestly don't believe he is a cheater(physically)...but emotional cheating matters to me as well. I guess I just think that since he hasn't mentioned me...it's as if he wants to keep these women close (ego thing)...even one, I know..is married! They do talk about her marriage and children...I don't know what to think. And..by the way...great way to ease into the conversation...because he gets very, very defensive if he thinks I snoop. This is the first time I have...but, he had major issues with that in his marriage. Thanks for the input!
Chinook Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Um, I kinda understand why it happened - I guess I'm of the 'I'd rather not know' camp and I assume that he is still here with me, simply because he wants to be. The issue isn't that he's talking to other people (even if it isn't about you directly - he could be worried they'd say he was rebounding) it's an issue about whether he relies upon those people more than he does you. That is, if he is closer to those people than he is to you. It doesn't seem that is the case to me. If not, I wouldn't worry too much and just let it be and let him have his friends. Sooner or later, he will want to talk about you and he will share them with you. Six months is kinda early even if you guys did move in more-or-less right away. The other factor which could be an issue if he's unemployed is boredom. I know I had a long period of 10 months away from work because I was seriously ill and the only thing which kept me sane was chatting to internet friends - he may be afraid to lose you by burdening you with his issues about it all the time especially if you're the one who is working all day.
Author chasinghappiness Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Wow...you make some really good points that I never even thought about. He has been out of work for 5 months now...and although he has been looking intently...I'm sure he does get bored from time to time. From reading everything...he definitely is not closer to those people. He is incredibly close to me and tells me everything (except that he keeps in contact with these people) Six months is early...but he was the one pushing our relationship from the beginning (would marry me tomorrow if I let him) and it did scare me...because his divorce was just final at the end of last year. They had been seperated for a year and a half...but still. I've asked him time and time again if he truly knows me and loves me....I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me with all of his heart..He tells me all of the time that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him, that I'm the most beautiful, caring, supportive, kind person he's ever met. He really is great, but we are just working through some things right now. He has some phychological issues from his divorce and losing time with his child. He never really cared for his ex (totally different story)...but his sadness in not seeing his son every day gets hard to deal with. In all honesty, the only things that he has mentioned to these 2 girls is about his job, his son, things like that. He did mention to one of them (girl I believe he dated in past) the amount of money in his checking acct. (which I know, but don't think he should share with anyone else) In one email, the girl was talking about how she thought of him as an "ex" even though they had never met....and how she missed him. He said he felt the same and said that he thought of her often too. I know that he loves me....no worries there....But, I'm not comfortable with him emailing girls that do not know about me...call me selfish...it's just not right to me. Anyway...thanks for responding...I really appreciate it!
Steveto Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Have patience..he'll come around. These internet things are different and people don't know how to deal with it..he's a lucky guy to have you..either that or he's the next Don Juan..marrys, has a kid..gets divorced and finds someone else! I can't get past the dating part let alone marriage and kids. You're a great woman too..man..I would get booted by any of my ex's if I wasn't working..even if it was no fault of my own. Anyway..in all seriousness you should wait a bit before you decide you want to get married. Make sure both of you want it for the right reasons. Steve
Author chasinghappiness Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Thanks Steve....I do need to have more patience and I truly know in my heart that he would never cheat on me or go too far in his emails. I am an only child and tend to overreact sometimes to certain things. And...hahaha...it has not been a piece of cake getting used to the fact that he has been jobless for that long..BELIEVE ME! His mom calls me a precious, understanding angel...LOL! When I weigh things out...the good does overcome the bad and I know that things will turn around once he's employed. We are moving in together (actually "our" place) within the next few weeks. I'm hoping that things come together. This has been a very odd beginning to a relationship. We joke that we've been through, in the first 6 months of our relationship, what usually takes most people 5-10 years of marriage to figure out and deal with. And...I will definitely wait to see if everything indeed DOES get ironed out before we walk down that aisle. I am 13 years younger than him (I'm 28, he's 41)...so, there are some differences there....but, it works 95% of the time...it's just that last pesky 5% that we're smoothing out right now.
Author chasinghappiness Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 By the way...I really appreicate every little bit of advice anyone has to offer. It helps more than you all know! Feel free to throw out any ideas....I'll check back later!
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