nishant Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Hi, My name is Nishant Bansal. I have a question relating to Long Distance relationships. You see i live in Mumbai, India and the girl that i like lives 1500 kilometers away in Calcutta. We were together in Engineering College but never talked. But after finishing our engineering in June 2006, I joined MBA in mumbai immediately in Julyand she joined M.Tech in Kolkata. But as luck would have it my roommate in hostel turned out to be her childhood friend. so we again got in touch thorugh him. Earlier it used to be just 2-3 SMSes a day then it progressed to phone calls once in 15-20 days of 20-30 minutes. Later it turned to 3-4 hour calls and we met also in December when she came to a city near me to meet her friends and we went on a dinner date also. Now we talk once in 8-10 days on phone for 2-3 hours. Currently both of us are at our homes for summer vacations so chatting has come to a halt otherwise we used to chat every alternate day for 1-2 hours. Chatting will again start by Mid-July but till then the only option left is phone. We most likely will meet again in January. But i dont see much progress happening anywhere. I mean its been 6 months since we met and these 3-4 hours calls have been going on for 7-8 months. Now she's comfortable with me and talks about anything and everything. But still we are just good friends thats it. I mean its too much to expect with just one meeting in 10 months but its been almost an year since we got in touch. I am worried thats this might get monotonous and both of us start finding it boring. So any sort of guidance is welcome. Should i plan for another meet?? or should i increase the frequency of phone calls to once in 3-4 days or maybe even daily??? or maybe i just pour my heart out??? But i am scared if i tell her she might stop talking to me because theres this factor that we never talked in engineering and my circle of friends did not have a very nice image in college. Hence any suggestions to spice up our so called relationship would be helpful?? Also most of the times it is i who take the initiative of calling up once in 8-10 days and starting an SMS chain. Although she responds positively but hardly takes initiative on her own to call up or send an SMS. During her bday i called her up at 12 in the night and we talked till 5 in the morning and again called up later in the day whereas on my bday she called up in the morning and we talked for hardly 6-7 minutes coz she was busy with work. Hence i am literally in a fix as to what to make out of this and what should i do next??? Any suggestion is welcome...
taiko Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 I believe that LDRs only work when tere is the expectation of something better, something more, coming into the future. By all means you should atleast be talking about the next time you see each other. The nature of the relationships makes the meetings more intense then normal dating and courting. Everything must be squeezed into a short period. By not being able to chat while at home does that imply that parental or societal disapproval of a relationship between the two of you or just lack of access to the internet?
Author nishant Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 No no theres no parental disapproval of sorts... its just that she is staying with her cousions now and doesn't have access to internet... when she is at home with her parents she gets to chat...
confusedgeek Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 This sounds like you already have a good relationship with this person. If money isnt too much of an issue, how about a good visit? The communication you have between each other seems great. And I dont see a reason to rush things. You have good communication skills from what I've seen. So why not follow up with a visit or a trip together somewhere to talk to her in person about these feelings you have for her? - ConfusedGeek
Author nishant Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 even i had thought of that... but whenever i think of taking any step i always get worried as to what her reactions going to be? If her reaction is negative then i may end up losing a friend in her also but at the same time i dont want to remain just good friends forever... Kinda complex situation??? I was thinking of doing it slowly but dont know how to go about it...
Poboy Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 nishant if you want this to progress , you have to meet her. as you said , phone calls n chatting will get boring after sometime and it will all go in waste eventually if there is no physical meetup in due time. talk to her and ask her what she thinks about meeting up. you would have to do the travelling part but also keep in mind , it cant be you always who makes the effort and she should too otherwise it will feel one sided. also talk to her about how she feels about you and whether she can be in a LDR with you ( when you meet up & not on phone ) as i dont know if you two are commited to each other. till now i think you two just have become close and are not in a relationship. the risk is always there but if you dont do something about it , the risk of loosing her or getting bored for either is also there ... so its better to do something about it than letting it go on as it is.
confusedgeek Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Surprisingly enough, thats not an uncommon thought, I thought of that when I was still single. Thinking things will go bad. If you don't move forward, you'll never reach that relationship goal that you want. The absolutely most sucky part about chasing a girl, I think, is that there is no going back to the way it was before. Because once, you proceed to tell her how you feel, there is no way of maintaining that friendship before. Cause she knows how you feel about her. There was this girl i knew about, not too well, but I liked her alot. I asked her about 1 year later out for a cup of coffee. She declined. And I've never heard back from her since. Sometimes, we casually walk past each other due to similiar hobby convention once a year. I smile at her and she walks by ignoring me. Either way, I was happy that I made the move to ask her out otherwise wise, I'd still be regretting not doing anything about it. And I'd be my old self again. Back to the point, will you be happy if you leave things as it is? I don't think so. Go do something to be happy with her =) What do you have to lose? You might even gain a lot more. - ConfusedGeek
Author nishant Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 Poboy you are exactly bang on target...till now we have become really close and are not in a relationship... although thats the only thing left to do... I was also thinking like the way you suggested except that i thought that we'll meet after i have told her about my feelings over the phone and that too not at one go... but in a span of 3-4 months by taking one baby step at a time... Travelling part is not an issue with me but you are right on more aspect also.. It is me who is taking initiative most of the time to call up or SMS her most of the time...And our frequency of phone is 10-12 days... and i SMS her in between sometimes like once in 3-4 days...She responds positively but hardly takes initiative on her own to call up... But like you and confusedgeek both said theres not much to lose by pouring my heart out... i might end up gaining a lot more eventually...
Poboy Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 Poboy you are exactly bang on target...till now we have become really close and are not in a relationship... although thats the only thing left to do... I was also thinking like the way you suggested except that i thought that we'll meet after i have told her about my feelings over the phone and that too not at one go... but in a span of 3-4 months by taking one baby step at a time... Travelling part is not an issue with me but you are right on more aspect also.. It is me who is taking initiative most of the time to call up or SMS her most of the time...And our frequency of phone is 10-12 days... and i SMS her in between sometimes like once in 3-4 days...She responds positively but hardly takes initiative on her own to call up... But like you and confusedgeek both said theres not much to lose by pouring my heart out... i might end up gaining a lot more eventually... i was in a similar situation like yours when i was younger so i know where you are coming from. pouring you heart out on the phone is risky as you dont know how it comes out to the other person and their iterpretation of things . i always say , tell it to them face to face ... the physical presence makes a difference and then you can more or less get an answer or a reaction from which you can understand her hopefully. so what was her answer when you told her how you felt about her , did she tell you how she feels and how she felt about you telling her. how old are you two. her not calling / sms ... initiating things could be because of money issues or maybe the risk of getting caught from her phone bills or she is just shy and doesnt like to initaite things but interact when you initiate it ( many relationships has this 1 sidedness ) i think its better to clear up things and go accordingly rather than hanging around for things to happen. since you two are not in a relationship , your first step would be to be in one with her . how you go about it is your decision but better to do it in person , meet up for dates and then when its right , tell her in person than on phone. if she refuses or doesnt reply , you know you would be wasting time over her. i know it hurts but its for the best of you and your future so that you can move on eventually rather than waiting for it to happen or hoping it will but you never know ... if you can wait then its great but its better to move on than waiting for uncertainity for it will hurt more then.
Author nishant Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 Theres one more aspect to it Poboy... The thing is that till december we had become really close and she was to visit her friends for new year to a city which is like 2 hours from mumbai... i invited her to mumbai and she even agreed to spend 2 days in mumbai...She even said that i can visit her place anytime...but when reached the city 'X' she suddenly changed her mind and called me up to say that she was not coming and invited me to the city'X'.. although it hurt me a lot but still i went... our 2 hour rendzevous was just reduced to 4hour dinner... But later i came to know that she dint visit mumbai because apparently her friends told her that i had spread rumours that she was going to visit me and stay with me for 2 days and stuff which i swear i had not... and her friends teased her with my name which apparently she dint like... I thought of confronting her about it but then i let it pass.. also i had made a foolish mistake of messaging her MARRY ME when we were discussing our hobbies and thoughts on certain things... finding that we had a lot in common i messaged her jokingly MARRY ME but apparently she dint like the joke... although she dint say anything at that time but i came to know that she thought i was in a drunken state when i sent the message... but luckily her bday was around the corner so i sent her a huge bday card and on her bday we spoke for 5 hrs over the phone.. even though she had exam in the morning she spoke to me throughout the night... so things are normal now.. but the thing is that whenever i think of taking our relationship one step further all these incidents come into my mind and i kinda back off and let things remain as it is... and i have not told her about my feelings for her... but as you suggested i was planning to in the next 3-4 months over the phone slowly step by step...she is 23 and i am 22... and yu are right about her not initiating thing.. she just doesn't like taking initiative much... but i am fine with that as long as she responds positively... See, we most likely will not get to meet before January since both of us are studying and next 6 months are crucial for our career in terms of placements... so my intention was to do some careful thinking and planning and build up for the meet... n when we meet i pour my heart out coz after january i'll be free for 6 months from studies n stuff... so will have plenty of time to meet her more frequently after that if all goes well and take things to another level... But nevertheless i also plan to do as suggested by you... There have been times when i have said something on the phone and she interperted in a completely different way altogether... so i guess phone will not be a good option to pour my heart out... But just tell me how can i give her some indirect hints about my feelings for her???
Poboy Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 im asuming she already knows how you feel about her considering the interaction and the bond you two have... even though you havent told her still she knows mostly .so dont know what you mean by giving indirect hints. like i said in the earlier posts , date her and talk to her in person more and when the timing is right , go for it. till then continue the contact and dont drop heavy things on her on phone just simple things like what you have been doing.
Author nishant Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 Hmmm... i am just wondering is it good or bad that she already knows how i feel about her?? coz even though she knows she still talks to me... but then she has never mentioned it...
confusedgeek Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Hmmm.... I dont think its a bad thing she knows that you have feelings for her. I think because she knows shell be more cautious. I think girls in general are cautious about having friends of the opposite sex. Because there is that possibility, that guy might like her. But in your particular case, I think everything is going normal. - ConfusedGeek
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