raincloud Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Well, here is an excerpt of a post that I made on surviving infidelity. I took the leap, and am glad I did it, but the next steps will be hard. H is already trying to manipulate me with physical illness and family trip ploys. I just don't think I was completely ready to hear from the wide array of people and mindsets here at Loveshack. It is hard to be a betrayed spouse getting "advice" from an admitted OW. Thanks for all the kind words and support from the wise ones out there!!! Well, after he came home yesterday we were both finding it hard to talk. We started doing some more painting in the bathroom we are fixing up....then the flood gates opened. Actually, we had several mini conversations throughout the rest of the day. It was like, we had to let the first one sink in to get to the next level. I am quite proud of myself....when we first talked I did cry a little, but after that I held it together pretty well. I could tell that a lot of what I said shocked him and caught him off-guard. I was even able to say "divorce" without wailing. I told him that I couldn't go on like this for even another month...that he needed to make his decision. I told him that I would not work on "us" anymore until he broke things off completely with OW. I even gave him the ultimate out...I think. I told him that if he needed to go live with her, then to go....I said it very matter-of-factly, without any unkindness. I also said that when he is ready to tell her that it is over completely that I would have to be a part of it...that I would have to see it or hear it to be able to believe it. After I told him he was free to leave he grabbed me and hugged me, wouldn't let me go. I still held it together, no crying, no change of expression. I said that I was serious, he needed to make up his mind. I am therefore deciding to go complete 180. I have also decided that when school starts I am going to go get a job...I haven't worked in seven years...even if it is being a sales clerk at the department store - I've made up my mind on that one. I do feel a strange calm today...wierd. But, I also love him so much, and in a strange way feel bad for him even though he created this situation...it is like he is lost at sea with no one to save him, ....he is so lost. But I'm going to be strong.
silktricks Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 RC, it sounds like you are doing good. I'm glad to see that you've taken a stand, no matter how difficult that stand is! Regardless of the outcome, taking control of yourself is the first step towards healing. Getting a job is a smart thing to do. In my mind being dependent financially simply makes a difficult situation worse. Good for you!!!
Author raincloud Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Thanks silktricks. And I've often wanted to tell you that I absolutely love your signature quote....makes me laugh everytime I read it.:laugh:
Lynna Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Good for you raincloud! That took some real strength and courage. I know it was very hard. You are taking positive steps for youself and that is wonderful. Try not to feel too badly for him right now though. Yes, he is lost, but he has been lost for a long time, since the initial start of his A. Nothing he was doing was helping him find himself or find where he should be. Your strong stance now is actually helping him in the long run. You are letting him know that he has to make a choice, and that is the first step for him to find himself. So don't feel badly for him, he has to make this choice to be able to move forward in life. In the meantime, you have made your choice and you do have the strength to follow through on it. Hang in there, it won't be easy but stick to your resolution.
Author raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 Try not to feel too badly for him right now though. Yes, he is lost, but he has been lost for a long time, since the initial start of his A. Nothing he was doing was helping him find himself or find where he should be. Your strong stance now is actually helping him in the long run. Thanks Lynna. I think this is one of the hardest things about what I am doing. When you love someone so deeply you do feel bad for them. He broke down this morning, and I had to keep it together just for my sake - there is something about a grown man crying so remorsefully that just breaks my heart. This is one tough battle.
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 I even gave him the ultimate out...I think. I told him that if he needed to go live with her, then to go....I said it very matter-of-factly, without any unkindness. I also said that when he is ready to tell her that it is over completely that I would have to be a part of it...that I would have to see it or hear it to be able to believe it. After I told him he was free to leave he grabbed me and hugged me, wouldn't let me go. I still held it together, no crying, no change of expression. I said that I was serious, he needed to make up his mind. I commend your strength for telling him that. Not many would let and allow their spouses go have a taste willingly of the 'other side of the fence' to see what it's like, then if it doesn't work, come back home. All I can say is, you're a gem and your H is a big fool.
a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Thanks Lynna. I think this is one of the hardest things about what I am doing. When you love someone so deeply you do feel bad for them. He broke down this morning, and I had to keep it together just for my sake - there is something about a grown man crying so remorsefully that just breaks my heart. This is one tough battle. Likely he is crying for himself not for the pain he is causing you. Stay strong.
Author raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 Likely he is crying for himself not for the pain he is causing you. Stay strong. Believe me, that thought has crossed my mind more than once. That is why I am trying to keep my game face on the best I can.
Author raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 I commend your strength for telling him that. Not many would let and allow their spouses go have a taste willingly of the 'other side of the fence' to see what it's like, then if it doesn't work, come back home. All I can say is, you're a gem and your H is a big fool. Thanks whichwayisup....your posts have helped me a lot over the past few months. I appreciate it.
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 You're welcome. My fear for you though is this. He leaves to go 'try out' the OW and see what life will be like with her. Then he'll realize it's not what he thought it was...Meaning, she isn't YOU and he'll wake up, come home, BEG for forgiveness, promise to change, get some one on one counselling, go to marriage counselling with you and then you're left holding onto the bag FILLED with distrust, no faith in him and so much pain. Meanwhile he's happy again with you at home and all is OK in his mind because 'trying out' the OW and that relationship wasn't for him afterall... That just seems unfair and cruel. My suggestion is to go NC with him, only talk to him about kids stuff (sorry, at the moment I can't remember if you two have kids or not), house stuff like bills etc., and that is it. NO personal talk! He is to know NOTHING about you and your thoughts/feelings. If he wants to try out the otherside of the fencec, he better damn well be prepared to give ALL up for that, and that means losing you as a wife, a friend, a companion, everything. He needs to 'see' and 'feel' what a loss it will be if he chooses the OW over you.
Author raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 My suggestion is to go NC with him, only talk to him about kids stuff (sorry, at the moment I can't remember if you two have kids or not), house stuff like bills etc., and that is it. NO personal talk! He is to know NOTHING about you and your thoughts/feelings. If he wants to try out the otherside of the fencec, he better damn well be prepared to give ALL up for that, and that means losing you as a wife, a friend, a companion, everything. He needs to 'see' and 'feel' what a loss it will be if he chooses the OW over you. Yes, we do have a child and with our financial situation and whatnot, we do still live together. I have started "pulling away" with the 180 suggestions, similar to NC. I told him he could go, he still won't - he is being very clingy at the moment which is making the 180 much harder, but I have been told it can be done even with us living in the same surroundings. I'm gearing myself up for another "talk" in which to tell him what the stipulations of him going to be with OW would be - but, to be clear that our daughter WILL NOT be used as a pawn. He seems to have the notion in his head that we can still be buddies and do things together....I told him that that is not a realistic outcome of things.
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 No, get him out of the house. IF he wants to be with the OW, he must leave! He CANNOT have it both ways...That's unfair to you, and your child. And it's selfish of him to expect you to put up with it! A-hole! You gotta try your best to detach emotionally from him, pretend he's an alien who's taken over your H's mind, because the man who is being selfish, wants to have his cake and eat it too is NOT the man you married. Put your foot down on that. DO NOT ever let him manipulate himself into staying UNLESS ow is out of the picture for good.
Author raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 WWIU....I do want you to know that I am not being intimate with him, nor will I until I know all contact is dead....even the phone calls. As far as I know, and believe he has not been seeing her, just the phone calls. But, yes even that is bad enough. I'm working on having him leave, even if that means he lives with her.
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Is the OW married or does she have a boyfriend? (I'm having a deja vu so I may have asked you this on another thread...) If so, would you consider telling her spouse/boyfriend, that is IF the contact doesn't end? Or if she won't leave him alone when he doe actually get the balls to do so...
Author raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 Is the OW married or does she have a boyfriend? (I'm having a deja vu so I may have asked you this on another thread...) If so, would you consider telling her spouse/boyfriend, that is IF the contact doesn't end? Or if she won't leave him alone when he doe actually get the balls to do so... Oh no, she is one of those that believes she and my husband are soul mates. She told him she would wait for him....even for years if she needed to.
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Scary...And sadly, those are the ones you have to keep an eye on because if she truely feels that she 'deserves' him more than you do, who knows what will push her over the edge in the sense when he does end it with her. People do crazy and irritation things when pushed, so please, be careful! I would HATE to read that she hurt someone in your family, or even herself because she feels she can't live without your H.
Author raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 Scary...And sadly, those are the ones you have to keep an eye on because if she truely feels that she 'deserves' him more than you do, who knows what will push her over the edge in the sense when he does end it with her. People do crazy and irritation things when pushed, so please, be careful! I would HATE to read that she hurt someone in your family, or even herself because she feels she can't live without your H. I hear ya. And in all seriousness, I think that is one reason he hasn't ended the relationship completely - not that it is the right thing to be doing, I'm definitely not making excuses for my husband. But, one day - after d-day had come and gone, he made a comment when I confronted him about still talking to her - sometimes people do crazy things when they get their hearts broken. So....that could very well be a part of it, which is scary. But, on the other hand she knew he was married way before the sex started, so she is to blame too for what is happening to her now. You shouldn't play with fire.
Melissa277 Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 God Raincloud. I've just been getting caught up. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I hope everything works out the way you want it to. Hopefully, he'll realize what he has in you and your marriage before it's too late. You seem like such a strong person ... hang in there.
FireandIce Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Oh no, she is one of those that believes she and my husband are soul mates. She told him she would wait for him....even for years if she needed to. Oh give me a break! raincloud I'm dealing with one of those right now and it's not easy. Good luck.
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