Mysty Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 This might seem like the most complicated love story you could have heard. Im risking the fact that that i know i will get some negative comments and be frowned apon, but im not here for that, i need some advice. The only way i can explain the situation properly, is by first telling you a bit about myself. Im 16 and i live in the UK, i met my boyfriend who i have been with for 4 years and he is the best thing that has happened to me and he is really supportive. A year after we met i told him that i was bisexual. He didnt really mind and he still doesnt mind that much. I started to play this online game which was really fun and i met loads of new people. I met this one woman and we made something click the first time we talked, we spoke for a year together and held back about our feelings for eachother, that being that we love eachother. They always say that you cant help with who you fall in love with, i think this is true. I know that it might shock you, but she is 31 now and lives over in America. She also has a husband, who wants to have children with her. After that one year, we really got to know eachother really well, we never meant for this to happen but we love eachother. We told eachother how we feel and how much we care about eachother. I love her and there is nothing i can do to help that, but i also love my boyfriend and she also loves her husband. I spoke to my boyfriend about it and he is okay about it, he understands. Even though he gets jealous sometimes but he lets me love her because he wants me to be happy. As for her husband, he doesnt feel the same way. I have been told that he hates me for what i have done. We havent spoken really, which doesnt help anything. I want to talk to him, and i think i will in the next few days, which will be extremely hard for me, but im willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Im planning to go meet her and my boyfriend is coming too. We all want to make it better and i want to be part of her life even if it means that i have to try really hard. The age difference seems quite large at the moment, but in a few years it wont mean that much. Its a 15 year difference, but i have known worse, like a 18 year old with a 45 year old. But i really believe that it work somehow, i just dont know how to go about it. I also dont know i i could deal with a child in the picture at the moment, so i would be forced to break up with her. I dont want to hurt a innocent child because of this difficult situation. She told me that she'll try and wait for a better time. Im not looking to leave her, so i would appreciate if i wasnt told that i should leave her because we are happy together and we love eachother but i want to be part of her life and let her be a part of mine. Im just not sure what to do, i dont want to throw this all away... Your ideas and suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Lisa x
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Prepare yourself for heartbreak. This woman is not going to leave her husband for a 16 year old girl in another country. It is easy to fall in love with the idea of someone - and you and she have both fallen in love with a fantasy. The fantasy of the relationship is fun particularly since it was borne of, and revolves around a game, and you've never actually met, I'm sure - but understand this: When she cuts off her computer, or hangs up the phone - She has her husband that she is going to have children with. She is a grown woman. She has her husband's family. She has her family. She has a home. She has a lifestyle with her husband. She shares bills with her husband. She sleeps with her husband nightly. She has a future invested with her husband, and the legacy of their past. This game you play, and the 'relationship' you have is only a fraction of her life and not a part of her real life at all, at least not yet. You aren't part of her real life, and as soon as you start threatening her status quo in her real life, she will put some real emotional distance there between you, along with the help of her husband who doesn't want you around at all. The type of relationship you have is like a cancer on the marriage, and what you and she are doing is committing emotional murder to her husband and your boyfriend. She will only see what she is doing, and what she stands to lose and the harm of it when she meets you. You will become something she needs to protect her life from, rather than use you as a fantasy escape from it. It is probably good that you are meeting her. I expect that when the fantasy starts to become reality, this relationship will end badly - and that is probably best (though painful) for all involved.
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 You're too young to get caught up in such a rollercoaster ride, but unfortunately for you, I think you're going to have to experience all of the pain firsthand. LB's advice is bang-on, so do some real thinking before you pick up and go.
Author Mysty Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 You have just pointed out everything that i already knew, thats no help what so ever. Yes, she is married, they want to have kids, they have a house, pay bills, eat together, sleep, talk, everything. But i love her enough to realise that and accept her for her actually having a LIFE. But the fact is, we want to be part of eachothers lives, so we are making the effort to do so. By telling people that it will never work never proves anything and i was hoping for some more positive comments. I know what i have got myself into, she hasnt left me yet, thats something and if she does i'll live with that. But i never said that i wasnt happy, i never said that she wasnt happy and i never said that my boyfriend wasnt happy. Yeah, it probably would be better if it doesnt work out, but amazing things can happen if you try hard enough. Does it make you feel better that you walk all over peoples dreams? Does it make you feel big? I never asked to be told it would never work. Its my dream, and yes it is a fantasy, but sometimes, fantasies become real. I hope it all works out, i'll let you know if it does in 4 weeks time when i'll be holding her. Take care. Lisa
ruby_gloom Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 one question: what does your boyfriend say? you've stated that he's 'okay with it,' but what exactly is his 'role' in this relationship? he is your boyfriend still, correct? so, that makes the lady . . . what? you say you are in love, but what exactly are you two? if you meet and decide to want to be together, what do you think will happen? do you think she will leave her husband? if so, will you leave your boyfriend? or will she remain married to her husband, see you, too? and you? will you remain with your boyfriend and see her, too? so, it would be some kind of four-way? i'm actually genuinely curious. have you thought about this? how do you think this would go? i know you are asking for advice, but i think you need to have some kind of idea of what the possibilities are. do you? also, what does she say? and i don't mean that she says she loves you and wants her in your life--but that does she say about the two of you? have you asked her if she would leave her husband for you? is that what you even want? actually--another question: what exactly do you want? to be with her, yes, i'm sure, but that about the other parties involved? i don't mean the above as criticisms of any sort, btw. i'd just like some more insight from you so that better advice can be given. also, i must be honest: i think it's specifically difficult to give advice to young people, such as yourself. the reason for this is because, in general, whenever presented with advice/opinions that they do not want to hear, young people will usually get defensive and block them all out, thinking and saying that 'they don't understand' and null them of all validation. lb pointed out the seemingly obvious, but have you considered the underlying meaning of what she posted? it's not that she's trying to 'crush your dreams,' i'm sure, but rather that she is trying to give you a more experienced, and yes, more mature outlook on things. further, i agree that you genuinely can't control/choose whom you fall in love with, but we do have control over what we choose to do with those feelings. you have decided to involve yourself in a pseudo-relationship in the big league now, and as such you have to deal with big league consequences. this woman has a husband and a family and whether you want to realize it or not, this makes you nothing more than an other woman--her lover of sorts. further, what you have engaged in is an emotional affair that you are trying to manifest into a physical affair. it would be different if all parties were 'okay' with it, but her husband is clearly not, and with reason. thus, you are helping her cheat and, as lb said, are a cancer to their marriage. you're 'but i love her,' i'm sorry to say, shows that you are completely immature and thus should not be involved in this situation at all. loving someone is no excuse for ruining the lives of other people. yes, you probably had no control over it, but as you said, since you 'already know all of that (her life and lifestyle),' then you should have shown some maturity and have pulled away. the 'but i love them' excuse is just that--an excuse, and a poor and selfish one, at that. the truth stands that you are 16 and, throw a fit all you want, but the vast, vast majority of 16 year olds are completely immature and self-absorbed, living in a fantasy land and thinking that they know best, and you are showing just that. if you want to date a grown up person, then you need to start acting like a grown up because you surely are not one yet. if anything, you are acting like a typical 16 year-old whose naivete will lead to nothing more but a lot of sadness, hurt, and disappointment. and if your case, not just yours, but all the people you are pulling down with you.
Touche Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Ruby and LB said it all..not much to add but I was wondering. Where are your parents in all of this? Do you have a mother? Is she around? Sounds like you're looking for a mom and not a lover. And I think you said you've been with your b/f since you were 11 (4 years right?) and that you knew you were bi-sexual then. Whaaa? What 11 year old knows they're bi? This is all just silly. One day, in just a couple of years, I suspect, you will say to yourself "WHAT was I thinking?" And you'll have a good laugh about it all. I know this seems really serious to you now though. And I'm not making fun but I have an 11 year old and he still sleeps with his "blankie" and is afraid of the dark. He doesn't know about bisexuality! Maybe she's telling you she loves you as a daughter and not as a potential lover? Is that possible? If it's anything else, on her part, she can go to jail. She's a pedophile. You're a child. It's nice to have fantasies but please don't confuse reality with fantasy. They're two totally different animals as you'll probably find out.
bish Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 I know that it might shock you, but she is 31 now and lives over in America. Then she is a pedophile. I spoke to my boyfriend about it and he is okay about it, he understands. Of course he does, as long as he still gets to do with you as he wishes. Trust me, he isn't that understanding. He's just putting up with it for whatever reason. As for her husband, he doesnt feel the same way. I have been told that he hates me for what i have done. We havent spoken really, which doesnt help anything. I want to talk to him, and i think i will in the next few days, which will be extremely hard for me, but im willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Uh, it isn't going to work. You think that you are going to have some talk with him and this husband is going to say, "hmmm...I like it!!!!". Sorry, unless he needs his head examined, it aint gonna happen. Im planning to go meet her and my boyfriend is coming too. We all want to make it better and i want to be part of her life even if it means that i have to try really hard. The age difference seems quite large at the moment, but in a few years it wont mean that much. Its a 15 year difference, but i have known worse, like a 18 year old with a 45 year old. But i really believe that it work somehow, i just dont know how to go about it. Oh it might work, but only because the husband of this pedophile will probably divorce her. And if they have children together, he will probably get custody and rightfully so given the dangerous situation to children you are proposing. Bottom line, I think you need to rethink trying to talk to the husband. Who knows, he might just get so disgusted, that if anything ever did happen between you two while you are still a minor that he may even have charges pressed against his own wife. If I caught my wife with a minor, boy or girl, I'd probably turn her in myself.
bish Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 You have just pointed out everything that i already knew, thats no help what so ever. Well what are you looking for? You hoping that someone here will tell you that this screwed up, dysfunctional, and not to mention ILLEGAL situation is ok and that someone here thinks everything will be fine? I don't think anyone here in their right mind will tell you that. So if thats what you are looking for, you are going to be dissappointed.
Aussie65 Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Im sorry to say but it can only lead to trouble and heartache.I don't understand this bi sexuallity thing anyway...I always believe when you love someone your with that ONE person not keeping your options open.I have a friend that is bi...she decided to bring in a third party and it broke her relationship up with her long time partner.What do your parents say about this?I would be just horrified if it was my daughter and this other married woman...that's just wrong.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 I never asked to be told it would never work. People who can't handle the possibilty of all outcomes, even the bad ones, are the ones who end up hurt the worst. You don't solve a problem by only looking at and considering one part of it. You look at all the possibilities, good and bad and create from that the future you want to see - and learn to handle and accept the future as it actually happens. You hear what you want to hear, and you only listen to what works for you. That will be your undoing.
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