Which is it, LS?

[McFadden]

My question is, force yourself to start dating to try to get over an ex, or wait it out until you are over the ex and then date?

 

My situation is, its been many months since my ex broke up with me and I have been in NC for most of that time. I still love my ex and I can't turn off the feeling as easily as people seem to think I should be albe to.

 

I asked early what I was doing wrong because I had followed NC and I still didn't feel any better. People told me I can't just wait, I have to get out there and do things with people and try to move on. So I started dating some new people. Now I am getting insinuations that it is wrong and irresponsable of me to start relationships while I still have feelings for an ex.

 

So which is it, sit at home and wait until I have no feelings for my ex before I can start dating? Or date? It seems like either I'm not doing NC effectively because I'm sitting around pining, or I'm wreckless because I am dating. It hasn't been made clear to me at all. I am sure people have various opinions and I would like to hear some of them.

[crazy_grl]

When people here have said you should be dating, they're referring to going out and spending time with people of the opposite sex to see if any of them interest you, and being honest about the fact that you're just dating around at the moment.

 

They're not talking about what you're doing, which is having sex with guys you have no interest in and refer to as "expendable" boyfriends. That's not fair to the guys and it's not healthy for yourself.

[alasia]

I agree with the above poster.

 

When I see the term 'dating', I take it to mean going out and just having fun, talking to guys and definitely making it clear you're not looking for anything exclusive. Personally if I was dating men, I wouldn't be sleeping with them and I definitely wouldn't be calling them 'boyfriends' - on your other thread, you mentioned your bf answered the IM message form your ex, by saying you have a boyfriend now; this implies he thinks you're exclusive and he really cares about you? Or at least, he doesn't want you talking to other men...

 

Does he know you're seeing otehr people as well as him? If not, or he does and he's not ok with it; then it's just not fair on him and maybe you should stay single for a while.

 

Why do you have to date at all? Learn to like your own company and just go out with friends, no men involved. You'll be much happier I reckon.

[McFadden]

My boyfriend is aware of the whole situation. He has actually read some of these posts because sometimes he's there when I'm on the computer. He just told my ex off because he knows I'm in NC. He is aware there is a whole plan to try to get my ex back, and that he will probably be stepping out of the scene if and when that happens. He is pretty laid back/just drinking in life at the moment.

 

On a side note, I don't know why most people think they can draw the line about when it is and is not appropriate to have a sex and then apply the line to other people.

[crazy_grl]

Yeah, yeah, you're all hip and cool and everybody else is such old, closed-minded fogies. That attitude is played out.

 

F*ck whoever you want to f*ck (assuming they're of age). Why should we care? Nobody's applying any lines to you. We've just figured out what's healthy and what's not. Been there, done that ya know. Eventually you'll figure it out yourself, at least for your sake, I hope you will. Some people never do and they're still running around screwing people for validation into their 40's.

 

Keep screwing guys you don't care about if you want. It doesn't matter to me, because it's not my life you're f*cking up.

 

Just be honest with the guys. And I do give you props for the fact that you have been at least.

[funkybassplayer]

I agree with the above, it boils down to self respect, maybe being single for a while will help you find out who you are? even for 6 months you can learn loads about who you are, and what makes you happy, and if you do, it will lead to a right relationship, as you will know what you want. Is this guy a mug being part of a plan to get the old botfriend back? If it was me who was your ex, and you shagged him, i woul'nt want nothing to do with you, as id see you as a user, with little respect for yourself and others, but that depends on what your ex boyfriend thinks of himself as well. But at the end we live and learn, and im only 41!!!

[McFadden]

My lover is not part of a scheme to get back my ex. I didn't particularly intend to have the ex find out about it but of course he did. Anyway he is actually pretty weird. He has found guys that he thinks I would like on Craigslist while he is at work and sends the link to me. He also is bi (although he doesn't use that label) and he says that gender is liquidated or something, so sometimes he wears dresses. One of the first things he asked when we dated was "do you still have your prom dress," turned out he wanted to wear it. Luckily he keeps quiet about that whole thing and looks normal besides having long hair, otherwise my parents really wouldn't know what to say about him. Right now one of his room mates is moving out, so I'm going to move in with them and rent. So he'll be in the scene for a while regardless.

 

IMO some peoples' comments have gotten out of hand to me. I've never mentioned anything about screwing more than 2 people who I was in a relationship of some sort with at the time, but I see that has turned into 'running around screwing everyone for validation.' (I don't know why the last part got thrown on.)

 

I have heard from some of the people here that the majority of the LS posters are fairly conservative. However if anyone is even going to insinuate that they think someone else's sex life is too loose, that person had better either be celibate or have been a virgin until marraige and with the same person for life.

[funkybassplayer]

i myself say live and let live, but you know we all have different veiws, and at the end of the day, its the relationship thats important, how deep, how hurt we have been after being dumped, how hard it is to move on, how we are hanling it etc, sex really should be another tread, and no one has the right to say to you what to do with your life,we all live different, and as i got older the relationship is the important factor and all it brings, thats why iv come here, cause im badly hurting after my split! Like i say, self respect man thats the key to all!

[oppath]

McFadden,

 

if people are ganging up on you, it is because you don't share all of your information. You said your current bf is expendable. WTF? That is mean. Is he a boyfriend, or is he just some guy you are dating and sleeping with. There is a difference. It doesn't sound like he is a boyfriend. We didn't know that he is aware things are casual and that he knows you want your ex back.

[alasia]

I agree with oppath - you tend to keep adding little bits of info here and there, whenever you get a reply to your post that you don't like the sound of (no offence), you'll justify what you said previously or your actions (not that you need to justify them, IMO) by adding another bit of information.

 

At the end of the day, no one has the right to say what's right and what's wrong. But then again, everyone will have an opinion and they have a right to express it. I don't think I've seen anyone saying "you're wrong for doing what you do", only that it's something that they wouldn't personally choose to do themselves.

 

I wouldn't take people's comments to heart, we're all relatively anonymous after all and it's not like you'll meet any of us in 'real life'.

[crazy_grl]

IMO some peoples' comments have gotten out of hand to me.

 

Would you knock if off with the melodrama... You can use harsh language all you want (and about 14 year old boys at that), but whenever somebody else does it, you're being victimized. Waaaah.

 

I've never mentioned anything about screwing more than 2 people who I was in a relationship of some sort with at the time, but I see that has turned into 'running around screwing everyone for validation.' (I don't know why the last part got thrown on.)

 

Did I say "everyone"? No, I didn't, but you had to add that to dramatize it, didn't you? And you did in another thread that you have multiple "expendable" boyfriends. Now you just have one? So did you say you had more earlier to sound cool, or are you saying you only have one now because you're ashamed of having more? So do you have one or more? Which is it?

 

I have heard from some of the people here that the majority of the LS posters are fairly conservative. However if anyone is even going to insinuate that they think someone else's sex life is too loose, that person had better either be celibate or have been a virgin until marraige and with the same person for life.

 

Is your skull really that thick? It's not about being conservative. I know people who have open relationships, and though it's not my thing, I think more power to them if it actually works and makes them happy. But you're clearly a mess and sleeping with this guy for unhealthy reasons.

 

Anyway, I really find myself disliking you more and more. I started posting with the intent to just give you advice, but your little "play the victim" act combined with the "I'm 19 and know everything" mentality is getting on my nerves, so I'd better stop answering your threads before I say something that gets me kicked off.

 

Peace.

[McFadden]

Sorry to hear that you dislike me. Well I hate you *sticks fingers in ears and makes a face* Does that make you feel better?

 

Here's what I actually didn't like. In your first reply you weren't even answering the question, just critisizing my behavior based on information from other threads. Then you said I have an attitude and that am trying to act like I'm cool and hip and other people aren't. Pointing out that I didn't find that appropriate wasn't drama. What is actually the drama is you mocking and insulting me. You said that I am a mess, I have a thick skull and that I think I know everything. That isn't even the case, you were just throwing around assumptions. Then you come out and say you dislike me. This is an internet forum by the way.

 

Oppath and Alasia, you are right about the fact that most of the confrontations come from the fact that I "add little bits of information," and I admit that I was wrong, sorry. Usually I mention something offhand in reference to something else, and then find people asking about it, so I explain. Just to get the situation on the table I have one 'boyfriend' I am going to move in with but it is an open relationship, I'm dating a few people who know I am just dating, and I have 1 ex that I am still after. I didn't mean to disrespect him by calling him an expendable boyfriend. I like him and he is a great person, I just meant he is not The One. I don't see myself with him long term. He is 26 and is really immature for his age and as I also pointed out about him he is a cross dresser and bi, and he is never going to be into having a traditional relationship and I am at some point. Besides, I want to wear the dress at my wedding.

 

I am just bad with terminology for things, my friends will say "your boyfriends this and that" when they are just talking about people I'm dating. Or my mom will say "one of your boyfriends called but I don't know which one it was." Since this is a relationship advice forum I should use the right terminology. From now on if I am talking about someone I'm dating I will say "someone I'm dating" or if its my boyfriend I'll say "boyfriend I am in an open relationship with."

 

Anyway I did not even intend for this thread to be all about me and my life. It was kind of a general question to see if people found that dating helped with getting over their exes, or if people waited to date. I have gotten some answers on that. Apparently some people do date, but for them dating is more about going out and meeting people, grazing from the buffet of life ect. I have also been doing some of that. So any others who did or did not date while getting over an ex and why? And for you what does dating involve?

 

Also, does anyone have suggestions for me about where and how to date and meet people? Meeting people through school and friends is getting old and I am not really a bar or clubgoer, I am underage for most of them.

[Star Gazer]

They're not talking about what you're doing, which is having sex with guys you have no interest in and refer to as "expendable" boyfriends. That's not fair to the guys and it's not healthy for yourself.

 

Particularly when you're engaging in (or attempting to engage in) such activity with 14 year old boys.

 

On a side note, I don't know why most people think they can draw the line about when it is and is not appropriate to have a sex and then apply the line to other people.

 

Because there is a line between adults and children. 14 year olds cannot even drive. There is a clear line there.

 

...just critisizing my behavior based on information from other threads.

 

That's all we have to go by - the information you provide in this and other threads. The best responses are those that take into consideration a poster's background and history. Most often, we only get fragmented pieces. You've provided us with more than enough information to know that what you're doing and how you're behaving is...well...just not right.

 

Also, does anyone have suggestions for me about where and how to date and meet people? Meeting people through school and friends is getting old and I am not really a bar or clubgoer, I am underage for most of them.

 

And your current prospect is equally underage.

 

Join a charity, a softball team, take up golf lessons, go to a karaoke bar, join an online matchmaking site, support a political candidate, go on a Contiki tour...with adults.

[crazy_grl]

In your first reply you weren't even answering the question, just critisizing my behavior based on information from other threads.

 

I answered your question. You asked why you were getting contradictory opinions from people on LS. I told you exactly why. The answer comes from your previous threads, because without those, your question makes no sense. You're not getting contradictory opinions. People on LS don't tell people to date and then get on their case when they do. The answer is in the interpretation of the term 'date', which is exactly what I said before.

 

Just because you don't like it doesn't mean I didn't answer the question.

 

Pointing out that I didn't find that appropriate wasn't drama.

 

The exaggeration and playing victim is the drama, hun. I think you've cried foul in every thread I've seen of yours.

 

You said that I am a mess, I have a thick skull and that I think I know everything. That isn't even the case, you were just throwing around assumptions.

 

You can call it assumptions. I'll call it observations of your posts. When people get offended at the way you talk about 14 year old boys, they're the ones with problems. When people tell you not to have sex with some guy just to kill time while (ineffectively) getting over your ex, you assume it's because they have conservative views of sex, even after multiple people have told you otherwise. You want to get back with an ex who treated you like total crap, were considering plotting to get him back even though he has a sick gf, are so desperate to have him that you'll lower yourself enough to take him in any form (even if that means you're just a back-up or just for sex -- though he turned you down on that one), and you were considering dating a 14 yr old.

 

If you're not what I say you are, then stop acting like it. I hate to be quite that blunt, but your posts come off with this "better than you" attitude that rubs me the wrong way.

 

Then you come out and say you dislike me.

 

I'm an honest person, sometimes brutally honest. If you don't like it, go stick your fingers in your ears some more.

 

This is an internet forum by the way.

 

Thanks for clearing that up. I was starting to think the voices in my head were back again. What a relief.

 

Also, does anyone have suggestions for me about where and how to date and meet people?

 

Star Gazer had some good suggestions. You can also go to pool halls, bowling alleys, or join a club outside school for something that interests you. Think of something you enjoy and google for clubs in your area.

 

I'm out for good now. Peace again!

[McFadden]

The people I am involved with aren't 14 years old. I thought I had cleared that up in the other thread, but I guess the child molester reputation will continue to haunt me on LS. Fair enough. I am fine with the fact that people have drawn a line about having sex with minors and I agree with that line! When I said it in this thread I meant it pertaining to relations between adults.

 

I'm glad dating has been defined, because I honestly wasn't sure about it before. Dating in the way its described here is not really my scene, but at least what I perceived to be a contradiction was cleared up.

 

I liked the idea about joining a charity or political campaign. That way I would probably meet some people I would really hit it off with as well as contributing to something significant. Sometimes I feel like because of my age I am excluded from things. My 'boyfriend I am in an open relationship with' goes to a lot of drag clubs and meet ups for vampires, which I'm left out of either because I'm under 21, or the fact that I don't drink blood and evaporate in the daylight (not sure which). I need to get more activities of my own. My hobbies include building models and online gaming, so usually the people I meet through those meet ups are...uh

 

By the way I have no idea how I came off with a 'better than you' attitude. I am open about the fact that the situation with my ex is unsatisfactory, and I also admit I was wrong for considering meeting a 14 year old and calling it a date. I make mistakes like the rest of you mortals, but since you asked, yes I am the best thing since sliced bread. I really try to keep that from coming across in my posts but if it does anyway, sorry.

[CaliGuy]

The people I am involved with aren't 14 years old. I thought I had cleared that up in the other thread, but I guess the child molester reputation will continue to haunt me on LS. Fair enough. I am fine with the fact that people have drawn a line about having sex with minors and I agree with that line! When I said it in this thread I meant it pertaining to relations between adults.

 

I'm glad dating has been defined, because I honestly wasn't sure about it before. Dating in the way its described here is not really my scene, but at least what I perceived to be a contradiction was cleared up.

 

I liked the idea about joining a charity or political campaign. That way I would probably meet some people I would really hit it off with as well as contributing to something significant. Sometimes I feel like because of my age I am excluded from things. My 'boyfriend I am in an open relationship with' goes to a lot of drag clubs and meet ups for vampires, which I'm left out of either because I'm under 21, or the fact that I don't drink blood and evaporate in the daylight (not sure which). I need to get more activities of my own. My hobbies include building models and online gaming, so usually the people I meet through those meet ups are...uh

 

By the way I have no idea how I came off with a 'better than you' attitude. I am open about the fact that the situation with my ex is unsatisfactory, and I also admit I was wrong for considering meeting a 14 year old and calling it a date. I make mistakes like the rest of you mortals, but since you asked, yes I am the best thing since sliced bread. I really try to keep that from coming across in my posts but if it does anyway, sorry.

 

 

The reason you are catching so much hell, McFadden, is simply because you scoff at any advice that does not follow along with your train of thinking.

 

There have been many good pieces of advice in your threads. The proof that you think you know it all is simply in your attitude towards that advice. Instead of listening with an open mind you immediately attack the advice and defend yourself, as if everyone on LS is wrong and you're the only one in the right.

 

As I stated in another thread of yours, it's your life to live and to choose which path you will take. But if you came here seeking only affirmation for your behavior I am afraid you will not find a lot of that or sympathy.

 

You see, many of us have traveled the road you are on now and we've all made the same mistakes. The question I pose to you is: "Do you want to learn from the mistakes of others or just go ahead and make the same ones we made?"

 

It's up to you. You choose to listen or not. Nobody on LS is going to lose any sleep if you make those mistakes.

 

And if nobody on LS cared or wanted to help you avoid them, we'd just simply shut up and say nothing.

 

Cheers.

[tictac]

you will probably always have some emotional ties to your ex. I know it is difficult; try to keep the good memories, try to lose the bad ones. Do things you love; keep busy. You're next love is out there looking for you.