Let down, Need to come to grips with lost marriage!

[wildtka]

Ok my story is a long one so brace yourself! I am married currently and have a beautiful 7 year old daughter that I think the world of. My wife and I are currently having major issues some of which I have seen on here. I have been married for almost 7 years been together for 10. My wife and I got married when my wife was a heavier girl. I never looked at her like that but she always has looked at herself as being ugly. We lived happy until I started playing internet games about 4 years ago and I spent less time with her(Big mistake and I have matured since than). Anywho a little over 2 years ago my wife had bariatric surgery to lose weight and I didn't like it at first ,but that is what she wanted so I supported it. She lost lots of weight and had many complications. Soon after the surgery my daughter had a really bad accident and almost lost her legs and that took such a toll on us. My daughter got better and things were going great until my wife started making new friends that never knew she existed in high school. She stoped coming home at night she would get really defensive if I questioned anything and this has went on for the last 1+ years. Until one day about 3 months ago she admitted to having a drug addiction to cocaine. Also she admited that she had some affairs with a few different men during this drug period and that she was sorry. I was like ok I can learn to forgive ,but not forget. I took her to rehab (she made the call) and I thought things would get better. She spent 15 days impatient and another month in a live in facility with curfew. During rehabing her drug addiction she developed another disease anorexia. Seems to go hand in hand with cocaine. Finally she came home and the first two weeks were ok we agreed to work on her and she work on our marriage after her initial 90 days. After the first two weeks we have been rocky ever since. Sometimes again she doesn't come home at night. I don't believe she is using again for the fear of never seeing her daughter again ,but I believe she has feelings for another man. One minute she is sweet for 2 or so days than she runs out of the house again. She keeps spending money we don't have also on clothes etc.. 2 weeks ago she thought she could go with a male friend from rehab to a dance club/bar and not drink but she did drink and I got a call the next morning that her car and purse was stolen(so she says). Well we located the car and the person she is with took it but the purse is still missing. That weekend she spent alot of money. Anywho she still keeps running only to apologize and than do it again. We had a pretty good marriage for 5 years but it is all hell since. Last night she said she was going with a friend and she never came home. She sent me a text message today saying its over I want out and than about 3 hours later she sent another one saying she needed time to think about us and to have fun with my daughter which I did . I am at wits end with her but I have spent my whole life trying to make her happy! Tonight if she ever comes home I want to set some ground rules ,but it makes me feel more like a dad than a husband. I really don't know what do she doesn't have a job and I fear that I will not get to see my daughter who I currently see everyday every hour when I am not working. I know those with kids understand how much this little one who is hurt by all this means to me. I am now past the crying and whining phase and am into the mad as hell I need to look out for my girl phase. Should I stand by my marriage and go to counseling or should I pack her bags and tell her its over? I am confused, broke, and brokin hearted it really hurt that I havn't seen her on fathers day of all days.

 

Best Wishes.

D

[sumdude]

I have a freind who went through almost the exact same scenario... His wife started using one day and running around .. leaving their little boy at risk. Through a couple years he thought that it could work out .. kept trusting and loving. Hoping she would turn around one day. Kept giving her money ... she would come back for a bit ... to get more money. She never even let him know and he never knew till later there were other men. He was that trusting.

 

I hate to tell you this but.... It sure sounds to me like she's using again. Coke is expensive and the money disappears. Even if it isn't coke it's likely something else. You need to get strong and stop supporting what she is doing. It will only drag you deeper and deeper into depression and money problems. She made this bed and now she must sleep in it. For your own good and your daughters ... let your wife go ... she is gone already and you're probably being used. You must be firm and clear that this s**t won't stand. Sorry, I hope I'm wrong but I've seen this before.

 

As far as my freind. A few years later looking back he can't believe he put up with it for so long. He is a much happier man wihout the constant stress and dashed hopes of living with a messed up wife who didn't want to put anything into the relationship. Right now he's seeing a nice woman he likes a lot.

[mammax3]

I have very little experience with cocaine, but nothing matters but the drug.

 

I think you should let her go until she gets the help she needs. You may want to see about a partners group for Cocaine addicts, they may help you understand the drug's effects on your wife and how best you can help her.

 

This is terrible for you and your daughter. She needs you to do what's right for her.

[TomArmy]

Wow your situation makes mine seem insignificant. I have a lot of respect for someone who can remain somewhat loving and supportive and still try to makes someone happy who treats them like that.

 

I agree with what's been said and you should remember that the bad choices your wife is making are mostly decisions the coke is making, not her. Of course it was her choice to start using it in the first place so it's her responsibility but you know drugs can get out of hand quickly. Although maybe I have more sympathy for drug users since my sister was in and out of clinics all through college and there were times when I could tell she really really wanted to quit but couldn't.

 

Happy father's day!

[Melovator]

Do what's right for you and your daughter. Children don't get to make choices about the life they lead, its up to the adults around them to make the best choices they can for them. Your wife is not able to make good choices for your daughter at the moment. Which means, its not fair, but its up to you.

 

So the hard question is- do you really want your daughter around her mother when she's like this? (this is not a question I presume to answer but its the one I'd ask myself when thinking about setting boundaries.)

 

At the very least your wife needs counselling for herself as from what you've described she's just gone from addiction (food) to addiction (drugs) to at the very least addiction (sex) if not drugs again.

 

I wish you all the best, please take care of yourself and your daughter, seek support and professional help from where ever you can.

[Gunny376]

I know what I would do ~ I'd pack up all her trash ~ set it out by the curb, change the locks and her access to any and everything ~ to include my DD, get an RO, and turn my back on her like she was nothing. She wouldn't get anything but very limited supervised visitation with the DD either.

 

I use to be a production supervisor for a company that employed "work-release" inmates ~ mostly drug dealers, gang-bangers, and drug users. I've seen the effect that "coke" and "crank" has on users. I've seen people that have been in prison for years ~ and the first thing they want to do when they even get close to getting back on the street ~ is get themselves some coke or crank (crystal meth).

 

90 days isn't enough time to get off that s***! Maybe, six month in-patient for someone that was deadly serious ~ but I would say more like a year.

 

You need to Goggle and reserach how meth and coke works on the brain. Its some interesting stuff ~ (I work in a lab) ~ and its all day powerful.

 

I would also recommend that you watch the program "Intervention" on A&E that comes on at 9 PM Central time on Saturday. The only chance you have is to completely shut her out of your and your DD's life. COLD!

 

I would be willing to bet next month's retirement check that she's using again. You can't see ~ because you're caught up in it ~ when any fool on the street could see it a mile off. The inmates and because I use to be their supervisor for a number of years could see it ten miles off. I can hear them now ~ "She's back on the s***!"

 

Even if she's not paying cash ~ she could be "taking it out in trade" and so whatever you do play it save. Me? I wouldn't even have sex with her, but if you do? Don't be silly, put a helmet on Willie ~ don't send him into combat without his helmet!

 

She's got self esteem issues which are beyond your capacity to handle and deal with. She's drowning and she's dragging you and that baby girl down with her. You've got a choice, either let her take you and DD down with her ~ or let her drown on her own. Just that freaking plain ~ just that freaking simple.

 

ilmw ~ CC? Need some backup her Bros. (These guys are in law enforcement ~ they see it and deal with everyday)

 

Back to you ~ some women have self esteem issues about their bods. If they were "10's" back in the day in HS, and getting all the attention from all the boys, ~ they can't handle it as they get older. And they start going "whoooohooooo!" crazy in the head.

 

If your a man ~ and your woman loses a lot of weight? Stand-by to stand-by. Your azz needs to start checking out who the dog is still barking at and who he's not, when they come around the back door. Ditto and same thing if your woman get's herself some "store-bought" boobs! (Never, and I mean never buy your woman "store-bought" boobs, unless she's way high on the self confident meter!)

 

Me? I'd drop this woman like a bad habit ~ she wouldn't be going? She'd be gone from my life!

 

And while I've got you on the wire? Where in the Hell did you get it in your deluxed brain housing group that this woman is the eptiome of all women? Where in the Hell did you acquire that this woman is what you deserved in this life ~ and the only woman that you'll ever find in your life? WTF ~ where did you get it in your head that this woman is the only woman in the world?! Last time I heard ~ there's only about 3 freaking billon other woman in the world besides this one!

 

Anything that she's got you can find just as good if not better! Just as much ~ if not more! I can promise you my friend there are indeed women out her in la~la land that know how to find their way to work and back home each night!

 

What one woman will abuse ~ another can certainly use!

 

One thing for sure and certain! It won't take much for you and DD to "trade up" from this "74" rusted out, held together with duct tape, bailing wire, and prayer of a Ford Maverick to a 2008 Lexus!

 

I wouldn't be listening to all her BS ~ I'd be telling her:

 

YOUR AZZ IS OUT OF GAS!

[Gunny376]

Check the listings for the A&E show ~ "Intervention" ~ I said Saturday ~ it comes on at 9 PM ~ Central on ~ Fridays.

 

They discuss not only addictions to coke, crank (crystal meth) alcohol, but also eating disorders, shopping etc.

 

Some people have "addictive" personalities. They just ran a piece in the local paper about a guy that was in the local jail for meth addiction in which he lost his family, his children, his wife, his business ~ He said: "Hell I could get addicted to water!"

 

Some people are addicted to sex ~ my Dear Dad had that problem ~ God rest his Soul.

 

In your case ~ have some tissue paper handy? It'll tear your heart out of your chest! But seriouly ~ you need to watch it!

[Melovator]

I know what I would do ~ I'd pack up all her trash ~ set it out by the curb, change the locks and her access to any and everything ~ to include my DD, get an RO, and turn my back on her like she was nothing. She wouldn't get anything but very limited supervised visitation with the DD either.

 

I wouldn't be listening to all her BS ~ I'd be telling her:

 

YOUR AZZ IS OUT OF GAS!

 

I was too 'front of counter be nice to the client' before, Gunny's inspired me to be 'back of the office having a cigarette with collegues'. Don't f**k yourself or daughter around. You are both worth more than the hell she will drag you both into if you keep enabling her.

 

Stop enabling her!! She cannot lead the lifestyle she is currently leading and expect to think of herself as a fit and proper person to raise a child. I'm sorry I try really hard to be understanding but I've seen way too many kids f**ked over because one parent enabled the other. She will suck you dry until you are hopeless in the face of her addiction, until your own misery is your own addiction.

 

Your daughter will and already is having a confusing and hard time. She needs your emotional energy now, your love and care and protection. I'm sorry I sound so strident now but this is something I've wanted to say to dozens of people over the years but am restrained by the need to not be fired.

 

You owe your daughter as beautiful a future as possible because she didn't ask for this. You didn't either but you are the one who has the capacity to make choices about the world in which the both of you live.

[njbeachlover]

You sound like a caring Dad. From what little I've learned of late, if you file for divorce you stand a great chance of winning custody of your daughter. You also need to cut off all access your wife has to your money now. I've seen what coke can do to others. Don't be surprised if your wife, without access to money, starts selling your household goods. The quicker you take legal action, the better.