Love is Tragic Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Heres my story, in a nutshell.. Started having an affair about 8months ago-we are both married, with children. At first it was just sex to me, i never had a problem with disassociating emotions from sex. He lives almost 2hours away, and i would see him whenever he was in town for his job. As time went on, we would talk on the phone quite frequently, and spend much time together, and i began to have feelings for him, much to my dismay.. As much as i tried to deny those feelings, unfortunately, it happened. I am fairly happily married, its rough from time to time, as all marriages are, but for the most part is happy. He is not so happily married, but stays for the kids. Weve discussed our feelings, but never gone so far as to say, "i love you". Even though we both know how the other feels. Neither one expects the other to leave our spouses or anything comparing to that. We try to leave it pretty casual, as to not make it any more complicated than it already is. We just have this connection that ive never felt with anyone else, and i just cant deny it. Ive always told him that if he wants to break it off at anytime, to just let me know, instead of dissapearing without a trace. He said he usually never makes promises, but promised me he would never just dissapear. My dilemma is, i think hes dissapeard!! damn it! I feel played and it sucks.. Its like everything he ever told me was a lie and i never thought id allow a man besides my husband to ever get that close to me. I havent heard from him in a month and a half and we used to talk every single day, except weekends. I havent tried calling all that much, im not much of a stalker type, and he usually always called me anyway. My question is, what do i do? just try to bury my feelings and move on? Or continue to try to get ahold of him? I have both his work and personal cell phone, but i dont want to become a bother or a stalker. What do i do? nothing?
Tony T Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Forget about him for now. There's a very good chance his wife got a good whiff of this and he's having to lay very low for a while. He stands to lose a lot if things go south at home. You have no real right to know where he is, unfortunately, or even if he's dead or alive. When a guy is married, you sort of have to realize that. I'm very sad you let yourself bond to the guy but that's what happens when you spend serious time with somebody. Celebrate the time you spent with him and, if he eventually touches base with you...and I'm very sure he will...be ready to tell him exactly how you feel right now. However, I beg you not to wait in a corner for his call...it could come at anytime. Meanwhile, get your life going again. It's hell healing from something you really can't talk to many people about, least your husband.
norajane Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 If it's been that long since he's contacted you after talking to you every day, then you have to accept that he's disappeared and it's over. I know you believed you had a connection, but you only saw him when he was in town on business. That means you didn't know him during the other 90% of his life. And he lied to you about never making promises. He promised to his wife to forsake all others. He broke that promise to the woman he married, so you needn't be shocked that he'd break his promise to you not to just disappear. You say you're fairly happy in your marriage - imagine what might happen if you devoted this kind of energy to your husband. Give it a try. Maybe you'll reconnect with him.
Onelife Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Heres my story, in a nutshell.. Started having an affair about 8months ago-we are both married, with children. At first it was just sex to me, i never had a problem with disassociating emotions from sex. He lives almost 2hours away, and i would see him whenever he was in town for his job. As time went on, we would talk on the phone quite frequently, and spend much time together, and i began to have feelings for him, much to my dismay.. As much as i tried to deny those feelings, unfortunately, it happened. I am fairly happily married, its rough from time to time, as all marriages are, but for the most part is happy. He is not so happily married, but stays for the kids. Weve discussed our feelings, but never gone so far as to say, "i love you". Even though we both know how the other feels. Neither one expects the other to leave our spouses or anything comparing to that. We try to leave it pretty casual, as to not make it any more complicated than it already is. We just have this connection that ive never felt with anyone else, and i just cant deny it. Ive always told him that if he wants to break it off at anytime, to just let me know, instead of dissapearing without a trace. He said he usually never makes promises, but promised me he would never just dissapear. My dilemma is, i think hes dissapeard!! damn it! I feel played and it sucks.. Its like everything he ever told me was a lie and i never thought id allow a man besides my husband to ever get that close to me. I havent heard from him in a month and a half and we used to talk every single day, except weekends. I havent tried calling all that much, im not much of a stalker type, and he usually always called me anyway. My question is, what do i do? just try to bury my feelings and move on? Or continue to try to get ahold of him? I have both his work and personal cell phone, but i dont want to become a bother or a stalker. What do i do? nothing? Welcome to the forum. Sorry you are having such a hard time. I am an xOW and I really know how you feel about this situation...this anxiety. It is complicated and usuallly will get even more complicated as the A goes on. My advice is do nothing. You will get to see for yourself what his attention is/was. He had made this promise not to just disappear and if this is actually what he is doing, you are getting all the answer you need for this R. And it's good you find this out sooner....than later.
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 A month has gone by and he has made no effort to you contact you, that says ALOT. Question for you, if he does call - wants you back - Will you go back to him? Or will you tell him goodbye forever, never to call you again. THAT is what you need to decide now, because honestly, you need to focus on your marriage, fix things (even though you think there's nothing wrong with your marriage) and put ALL that energy, emotional attachment you felt for MM INTO your husband. I'm sure your husband knows something has changed too, he may not think you're cheating on him, but I'm betting he KNOWS and FEELS the emotional distance. Think of your kids, keeping your family together. Forget MM, don't look back. He certainly has done that......
Lizzie60 Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 when he says he won't disappear without saying anything then do just that... arrghhh. I would definitely contact him and ask his wtf is going on... that he OWES you at least an explanation... He was in that 'affair' just as you were... so a promise is a promise. I would definitely want to know if it's over or not...
Author Love is Tragic Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Thanks everyone-it helps to have you lend an ear-its not that im so heart-broken, or that im waiting by the phone for him to call-im definitely not. Its just sad and im pissed at myself for allowing myself these feelings for another man. I should have either stopped it a long time ago or kept it as JUST sex and no strings attached. I know, i know, affairs are wrong, and its my bad that i let myself become this involved. I think one of the reasons i havent attempted to contact him very fervently is due to my fear of rejection. Rejection hurts, and it makes me very skittish. Although some closure would be nice-even if he just picked up the phone to tell me its over would give me at least some semblance of closure. Who knows whats going on in his head-he IS a man, after all, lol.. In previous conversations, hes hinted around that he would be open to me telling him i love him, but i just wont do it-out of stubborness maybe. And because it can possible open up another can of worms..
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 You need to make your own closure. Don't rely on MM to help you with that. You made a mistake, a big one, by getting involved with him. It's now over and time you put ALL your energy into your husband and learn to love him again, both emotionally and physically.
bish Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 My dilemma is, i think hes dissapeard!! damn it! I feel played and it sucks.. You cheat on your husband, but yet YOU feel played? I'm sorry, but I just have to LMFAO at that one. Its like everything he ever told me was a lie and i never thought id allow a man besides my husband to ever get that close to me. I havent heard from him in a month and a half and we used to talk every single day, except weekends. I havent tried calling all that much, im not much of a stalker type, and he usually always called me anyway. My question is, what do i do? just try to bury my feelings and move on? Or continue to try to get ahold of him? I have both his work and personal cell phone, but i dont want to become a bother or a stalker. What do i do? nothing? How about come clean with your husband and get a divorce since you obviously don't love him and don't have a bit of respect for him. You talk about being lied to, well what do you think you are doing by cheating on your husband? You are being a major hypocrite here. Do your husband a favor and divorce him. He deserves better.
jj2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Your marriage is not happy if you are getting "just sex" on the side. If that's what you want, why did you ever get married in the first place? Then you could have went and had sex with whomever you want. My advice, Give your husband and children the respect they deserve and start thinking about their feelings instead of your own. This is how you chose to live your life. Deal with it.
Meaplus3 Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 You cheat on your husband, but yet YOU feel played? I'm sorry, but I just have to LMFAO at that one. How about come clean with your husband and get a divorce since you obviously don't love him and don't have a bit of respect for him. You talk about being lied to, well what do you think you are doing by cheating on your husband? You are being a major hypocrite here. Do your husband a favor and divorce him. He deserves better. You cheat on your husband, but yet YOU feel played? I'm sorry, but I just have to LMFAO at that one. I'm sorry but I think your statement bish is not fair. Love is tragic said she new what she did was wrong. It hurt's to get played and most of these MM are player's. Love is tragic, I'm sorry you are hurting. The fact that he has not contacted you in over a month could be a sign that he's not into the "A" anymore or the simple fact that the W could be onto him. I would not pursue him anymore. It sound's like your marriage is pretty good and worth all your effort try and forget him. AP:)
bish Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 You cheat on your husband, but yet YOU feel played? I'm sorry, but I just have to LMFAO at that one. I'm sorry but I think your statement bish is not fair. Sure it is, she is playing her husband big time, yet she is complaining about being played? Love is tragic said she new what she did was wrong. It hurt's to get played and most of these MM are player's. Yes, but her post is all me me me. She didn't mention once anything about her poor husband. She should really just get a divorce since its obvious she doesn't care about anyone except herself.
FavoriteHeadache Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 Heres my story, in a nutshell.. Started having an affair about 8months ago-we are both married, with children. At first it was just sex to me, i never had a problem with disassociating emotions from sex. He lives almost 2hours away, and i would see him whenever he was in town for his job. As time went on, we would talk on the phone quite frequently, and spend much time together, and i began to have feelings for him, much to my dismay.. As much as i tried to deny those feelings, unfortunately, it happened. I am fairly happily married, its rough from time to time, as all marriages are, but for the most part is happy. He is not so happily married, but stays for the kids. Weve discussed our feelings, but never gone so far as to say, "i love you". Even though we both know how the other feels. Neither one expects the other to leave our spouses or anything comparing to that. We try to leave it pretty casual, as to not make it any more complicated than it already is. We just have this connection that ive never felt with anyone else, and i just cant deny it. Ive always told him that if he wants to break it off at anytime, to just let me know, instead of dissapearing without a trace. He said he usually never makes promises, but promised me he would never just dissapear. My dilemma is, i think hes dissapeard!! damn it! I feel played and it sucks.. Its like everything he ever told me was a lie and i never thought id allow a man besides my husband to ever get that close to me. I havent heard from him in a month and a half and we used to talk every single day, except weekends. I havent tried calling all that much, im not much of a stalker type, and he usually always called me anyway. My question is, what do i do? just try to bury my feelings and move on? Or continue to try to get ahold of him? I have both his work and personal cell phone, but i dont want to become a bother or a stalker. What do i do? nothing? You probably shouldn't contact him. I had a similar experience and though difficult am moving on nicely. I will not call her again (I'm the male). Her husband found out, not that we were intimate but that we were talking. If he knew how involved we were it would surely be over for them. We fell in love. It was real. I never thought anything like this would happen in my life but it did. It's strange to me how I could have ever done that but it all just fell in place somehow. I ended up truly caring for her and her for me. Now it is over and I miss her but know that it has to be over. Many mixed emotions go along with something like this. I do not dislike my wife at all and we have great children but obviously something was missing, something emotional. And when you meet someone who fills that need things seem to take on a life of their own. I wasn't looking for anything and neither was she. But we became very close and things happened. Now that it is over it is rather difficult dealing with everything. On the one hand I'm glad it's over because my life has become much less complicated. But on the other hand I have lost a very close friend. I figured I would have felt a lot of guilt because of what I was doing but I didn't. It was some sort of primal need, an emotional need at first that turned into much more. Strange as it may sound to some, I love my wife A LOT and always have. But something is missing after 20 years of marriage. I don't feel like I have done anything wrong by befriending another. And I never planned on doing what eventually became of things. So I think I pretty much understand how you feel and for what it's worth I think you should let it go and examine what led to it to begin with. That's what I'm doing and I think it helps.
Author Love is Tragic Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 Favorite Headache, you are completely right-my MM filled an emotional void that was definitely missing in my otherwise happy marriage. He was completely different than my husband personality wise and so much more. I love my husband greatly, and neither one of us has been perfect, we tried the "open" marriage for a while, but it didnt work out due to too much jealousy on his part. My MM was the first guy i had been with since the open marriage attempt. So for those of you who are so quick to judge, i am obviously not as 'virtuous' as you, and i really dont care. I accept full responsibility for my actions, but it doesnt make me miss him any less. Above all, i miss the deep friendship we shared, and the closeness. Even if he was never a lover, i would miss him greatly. I hate that i let myself have these feelings for him, and yes, its my fault-i really thought it would be a one-night stand, as that night was supposed to be his last night in my town. However, his work decided that they needed him to stay for work for almost every week for the next 5 months. And so led to the sexual and emotional affair. I wasnt looking for it, yet i did let it happen. I just cant help feeling the way i do, and i miss him-yes,i do wish he would call, just to know hes ok, just to get some closure.
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