Freedom Now Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Ok. I started a LDR with a guy from another state. We emailed, texted, and talked on the phone for two solid months. I flew out to see him and we hit it off really well... After I returned to my home state, he appeared to become ambivalent. The calls still came everyday but not nearly as often as before we met. The mushiness seemed to disappear... Now, when I confronted him, he wrote beautiful emails to me telling me that he adores me and that he wishes we were in the same city.... But, his actions didn't jive with his words. So, we had words. And we stopped talking for a month. I emailed him and told him that I felt that I had put too high of expectations on myself and him for a LDR. And I apologized for my behavior. I have super high standards in a man which I think is okay. But, I think my expectations with this situation were placed too high. I made him feel like he wasn't enough.... I guess I really don't know how these LDR's work. Now, he is calling me everyday. We talk about our jobs, our kids, our lives. He tells me that he is very attracted to me on an intellectual, physical, spiritual and emotional level but that his life is really hard right now with starting a new job, getting his son ready for college, and life in general. And I understand all that. I am a single parent, too. I am non committal and very platonic with him now, but I don't understand the daily communication. He isn't coming full force like before, but he still contacts me daily. Is this how LDR's work? Is he interested in me just as a friend? Note: I do NOT call him first. I believe that if he is interested, he will call. And he does. But no talk has been made about meeting again. And I don't want to waste my time on a relationship that is going nowhere. I am taking a "watch and see" attitude. But, this is producing some anxiety for me. And I have ZERO tolerance for emotional pain. So, I am playing things VERY cool. I figure if he is interested, he will step things up when he is ready. Any words of wisdom?
cbl Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Hi FN, Do you guys have common goals? Have you guys discussed about it? What is it that he wants for the time being, and five years down the road? And yours? I was in a similiar situation not long ago. I met this guy on a dating site. We talked every day until I fell head over heels for him (and he for me) and I suggested that we meet, two weeks before his scheduled trip to my country. He offered to pay for my trip. I was struggling whether I should go. A wise and very experienced (in dating) male friend of mine told me, "Let him make the effort to come to you. Don't go" I went ahead anyway. It's 11 hours of flight away. Things went well. After I came back from my trip, (which was 10 days ago), we've already planned things to do when he's here next week. And we are in the middle of planning an overseas trip together in mid-July. A few things that we've discussed before we made the decision to be in a exclusive commited LDR, 1) Common goals: He doesn't want to get re-married (I am in no hurry to get married and may not want to) and we'll be meeting only 8-10 times a year. He will be retired in the next five years and for the time being he needs to focus on his job so he can't take long sabbatical leave to be here with me. I am working on my own business and also need my own space meeting friends outside of work - this seems to work perfectly for us. 2) We decided to remove our profiles from the website. Neither of us wanted to do this in the beginning but after a long, civil discussion we managed to have our concensus. 3) LDR needs a lot of work: trust and space. I would give him the space that he needs, when he goes out watching football games with his buddies - but he promises to give me phone calls after the game before he heads to bed; he also helps me with my trusting issues in a relationship that came from my last unhealthy relationship. So we are pretty much in love with each other right now. 3-4 times of phone calls every day. Before I went on to see him, I was worried that the excitement level of us wanting to see each other again might decrease since we've met... it turned out to be the opposite. He would call me like crazy (office, home, mobile) when I go out with friends. I made him talk to my friends when I am out. He let me talk to his business associates when he needs to work on the weekends. Hope my personal experience helps. I don't know much about your situations but if he calls you every day, he's apparently making an effort. I would give him benefit of doubt - starting a new job isn't easy. I wonder what would happen if you ask to meet again. This time he flies over to you.
Author Freedom Now Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Thanks for the advice. We share the same goals, but to be honest, we have discussed the fact that there really isn't a "finish line" with us. I am very settled and happy where I live, and he, also, has children and a life in his state. So, short of one of us moving to be with the other, we don't see a resolution...... However, my attitude is this: if there is a will, then there is a way. If there is no will, there is no way.... He has told me multiple times that he wishes I was just THERE to be with him, to look at him, to hug him, etc. I understand that. I want that too. But it isn't possible. So, I am pseudo-satisfied with the relationship we have now. But, it seems that he is tentative due to the lack of resolution to the LDR....I mean, after all, why pursue a relationship when there doesn't seem to be much of a sign that we will ever be together in the future...? I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to do. Last night I prayed for peace. FN
cbl Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 However, my attitude is this: if there is a will, then there is a way. If there is no will, there is no way.... Very true. But I also believe if two people are meant to be together, they will be together. If they are not meant to be, they won't no matter how hard they try. A relationship is never easy, let alone it being long distance. Guess distance does not only make the heart grow fonder, but also adds a lot of complexity into a relationship ehh? I am sure he's very much attracted to you. Men are in general more practical than women and they wouldn't waste their efforts on something that doesn't provide returns. Maybe take things in a more light-hearted way? No serious talks about building the future together, no discussions about moving in, etc. I know how that can be upsetting for two people who have so much love to give to each other But after all you need someone close by and I am sure you can have any men you want. When the time is right for both of you, he will come to you. Hope things are getting easier for you.
Author Freedom Now Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 Thanks for your advice, but he has gotten ambivalent again. He is getting flaky again and life is too short for that garbage. I am moving on....
Author Freedom Now Posted June 30, 2007 Author Posted June 30, 2007 Well, it's been over two weeks and "flake boy" texted me last night and today. He says he will call me later today. Hmmmm..... I am not even going to think too hard about this. Me thinks he just got lonely. FN
cbl Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 Well, it's been over two weeks and "flake boy" texted me last night and today. He says he will call me later today. Hmmmm..... I am not even going to think too hard about this. Me thinks he just got lonely. FN Or it is possible that he just misses you. I would listen to what he has to say but not too serious about it. It's easier to just keep him as one of the many options that are open to you.... keep us posted
Author Freedom Now Posted July 1, 2007 Author Posted July 1, 2007 He called last night and l let it go to voicemail. He just called again this morning and we talked. It was very pleasant and neutral. We talked about our jobs, kids, etc. It was very comfortable and pleasant. I have no bad feelings that it didn't work out long distance. Being friends is fine with me.... After all, we started out that way....
cbl Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 Starting out as friends is good. As a matter of fact, I think it's even better that way for a LDR. Mine is so intense that every parting has become unmanageably frustrating for both of us; more so for me. I believe in letting the nature take its course - if he's the right one, he will be.
Recommended Posts