She has a boyfriend

[ks1125]

Hello,

 

I am new to this forum and read a lot of interesting posts. I decided to register and post my most recent situation I seem to of got myself into here. I want to see others suggestions and thoughts. Its a little long and I thank you in advance for reading this.

 

I met this girl, she is wonderful and beautiful. We started talking a few months ago and really clicked. Its amazing how much we have in common with each other. Anyways, we were text messaging each other one night, and she asked if I liked her (more than a friend) and I told her yes. I then asked her the same question, she also said yes. Now that we known our feelings for each other, we started getting closer. She told me she has had a crush on me for a while and even had got my number from a friend of mine before I gave her my number.

 

She has been seeing this other guy for a short time, started before we started talking. She talked to my friend one day when she thought I had found out about him and was telling him that this was just a guy to go to prom with, and was really upset that I knew as it could destroy this whole thing of ours and from what I hear, almost had a nervous break down. She sent me a text that same day telling me my friend told her I like her a lot and care about her. She told me she liked me a lot too and was very happy to know I had more serious feelings for her (she did not think i liked he as much as I did). Thats all I knew about that talk with my friend until he later told me what prompted him to tell her that (talking about the other guy). At that time I had no idea, I knew she had liked someone else before we really started talking, but what can I say about that, it was before we met. One day she admitted she has a boyfriend to someone she was talking to when I was standing there, I just walked away. She followed almost immediately asking me if I was mad. I was obviously upset when I found out, I have strong feelings for her. She was telling me she was scared of the situation and started crying, she did not want this to change anything between us. She is just worried that her parents will not approve, I am a couple of years older than her and she has just graduated high school. I have been out for a couple years now. We are both of legal age, so I don't even see it as an issue. She just has over protective parents. So, I got over it in hopes this this relationship she is in will not last.

 

Over the course of the next couple weeks, we continue talking and get closer. We actually even talk about sex and how she wants to crash at my house. Then one night we were talking about that and she was actually telling me all these things she wants to do to me. I even have a picture of her she took for me one night (not like any normal picture, fill in the blanks).

 

So I give it a little more time and she is still seeing this guy, so one night I told her it would be best for me to move on, and that I don't want to be in a situation where i would get hurt here. I mean I told her everything on my mind, she told me she didn't want me to move on and that she was scared I would never talk to her the same again. This is something I really did not want to do but felt i had no choice. I told her she has a boyfriend and she made her decision, why should I stick around. She responded with "I know i have one, I'm scared or something". I told her I hope she didn't hate me for the decision then my phone started dieing so we ended the call. The next day she sent me a text first thing in the morning telling me that she couldn't hate me because I was such a wonderful person and she wanted things to stay the same. I did to, so I figured i would wait it out a bit longer to see what happens. She later sent a text saying she was moving out at the end of the summer and hoped I would visit her in her new place. I basically said I guess that all depends on you.

 

Anyways a couple more weeks later she is still with him, but we are still close. What should I do here, I have real strong feelings for her and I do know she does for me too. We still talk often and she even came to my work one day to see me.

 

I figure I can wait it out a little longer and see what happens, I'm not really interested in anyone else at the moment, but at the same time, I'm not telling her she should dump this guy out of respect for their relationship. Even though I do want her to dump him.

 

Any suggestions or thoughts? Not sure what I should do at this point, I'd hate to dump that "Its me or him" on her.

[MarinaAquamarina]

Without wanting to sound really nasty, she's a bitch for saying these things to you and sending you dirty pictures when she has a boyfriend. As someone who has just discovered that my boyfriend has been cheating on me, I cannot condone her behaviour...even though you may not have had sex or anything, it is just as bad and completely out of order. You are also just as bad. Put yourself in this guy's shoes and imagine your girlfriend was doing these things with a guy behind your back. The girl my boyfriend was cheating on me with knew about me, we were friends, and she still did it. God knows how you can do that, knowing you could potentially inflict agonizing pain on someone.

 

If you have feelings for her and she you, fair enough, you can't pick and choose who you fall for. But, even though you don't want to, tell her it is you or him. She can't have the best of both worlds. It is unfair on her boyfriend.

 

Hope this helps, and that I didn't sound too nasty!

[Trimmer]

She later sent a text saying she was moving out at the end of the summer and hoped I would visit her in her new place. I basically said I guess that all depends on you.

...and all you need to add to that is, "and until then, I can't do anything with you that I wouldn't want done to me, if I were in a committed, respectful relationship."

 

Use that as your guide. If you and her boyfriend were switched, what would you find acceptable in her behavior?

 

I'm not telling her she should dump this guy out of respect for their relationship. Even though I do want her to dump him.

Fine - let it be her decision - but then really having respect for the relationship would also mean that you wouldn't continue to involve yourself as a third party. And if she really had respect for the relationship, even if she were thinking of ending it, she wouldn't involve a third party until it was over, either. Again, use the guideline above if you need direction: Don't do anything with her, that you wouldn't want her to do to you if you were the one in a committed relationship with her.

 

Not sure what I should do at this point, I'd hate to dump that "Its me or him" on her.

Why shouldn't you do that? It sounds like she might need a wakeup call. At least make it: "You can't be with me, while you're with him." Don't you deserve that for your own self respect?

 

And, incidentally, if you do end up with her at some point, and you have set the standard and shown your approval of her current attitude: "while you are with a man, it's OK to carry on with another man, if you find him more interesting..." don't you think the chances are reasonable that she will end up treating you the same way eventually? Consider what you are setting the stage for here...