Feeling sorry for myself...bit of support would be good

[alasia]

Hi, sorry for the depressing post...I'm just having one of those days - silly thing is, I KNOW my ex is really not worth it, he wasn't right for me and seeing as we were only together for 5 months and that's also how long we've been split up, I know I should really be over these feelings now.

But I'm not, and I'm starting to worry I never will be

 

I don't think the fact I'm pregnant is helping, because I just keep thinking that I desperately want my ex to want this baby (the way he seemed to a few months ago), I'm dying for him to want to feel the baby kicking, come to scans, be at the birth etc and make a life with me and our baby.

But it's not happened yet, and realistically I know it's probably never going to.

 

I was talking to him last night and he went from telling me to get out of his face, to 20mins later asking me to chat to him (he was at work on his bus; I was with him) and being able to talk 'normally' was nice, but at the same time it hurt like hell because I know he doesn't have any feelings for me; I'm just another one of those women he got pregnant.

And that's why he's not showing much interest in the baby (apart from saying he'll give me money towards him) - he's showing the same amount of interest and doing the same stuff he did with his last ex (the last one he got pregnant) but I don't want his money, I want him. Want him to love me again, I suppose.

 

Stupidly, I'm over analysing everything and finding hidden meanings in things he says or does.

I haven't done that in months and now I'm back to thinking that because he's let me stay over at his place sometimes - even though he didn't really want me there - when I'd stranded myself, or because he agreed to give me a ride home the other night after he'd finished work - or even because last night he asked/told me to pull my top up (I was wearing a fairly low cut top, but nothing obscene!); I get home and think that maybe it means he still cares about me/has feelings?

 

I keep hoping that when he moves away from his family (which should be in a couple of weeks), the pressure might be taken off a bit and he'll want to give things another go (his family hate me, and he's really close to them).

 

Deep down I know none of what I'm hoping for will happen, and I keep trying to remind myself of that and lose these feelings I still have for him; but it's so hard, especially when he says things like "you don't care about me" or that sometimes he wishes he wasn't alive, and all the feelings come rushing to me and I just want to give him a hug

 

This is why keeping contact with an ex is a bad idea...I know that, but I don't WANT to get over him just yet (as silly as that sounds), which is why I haven't gone completely NC.

 

I need a serious reality check here, so feel free to give it to me!

 

PS - part of the reason I'm feeling this way is because it's Sunday - I'm always rubbish on Sundays and Mondays because those are his days off work, and I know he always does the same thing; he's in the pub with his friends (who I also miss) by midday, then he comes home and is asleep by 6pm! Hehe.

 

It's boring as anything, but I do miss it now. I want to be in the pub with him (although not drinking, obviously!), listening to his friends telling terrible jokes and watching him get drunk on 2 pints of lager (because he doesn't drink much!).

 

I know it sounds pathetic...

[funkybassplayer]

Im like you today, feeling sad, maybe take a look at the post below. I dont think that him telling you to pull your top up is the sighn of a loving man!! and you contacting him is making you feel like crap even more. Its not to say that if you do no contact like me, you wont miss him, you will, but it saves the head f..k. and helps see people for who they are,and not how we think they are. thats what i have found. I miss my ex and her 3 kids so much, and like you she is home thurs and fri, so it would be easy to just call her. She 's with a new chap, after a week of our split, and he has banned us from contact, and i so long to talk to the kids, but have to stay out of her life now. Its hard but the right thing. The more this guy is in your life and feeds you crap, the longer it will take for you to get back on your feet again. Show self respect and ditch this loser before you get even more used and hurt. x

[tinke]

the more you put yourself in his presence, the longer it will take you to remove yourself from the relationship and the hurt. i know it hurts, but the truth is..if he wanted to contact you, he knows how. give him some space to think, and set yourself to prepare for either outcome. give yourself some time andf i am sure you will see that you are much above this treatment. nothing is worse than being in a relationship that is NOT 2-sided..it costs way too much energy and the result is defeat.

most importantly, you have the blessing of a child...your child. please take notice of your general health, including emotional. try to focus your energies on you and that beautiful baby to be. hang in there, i've heard time, distance, and moving on does work. i am somewhere in the middle of all this. i have to admit after a few months, my feelings have changed, and i no longer put him on a pedestal all the time. i am able to catch myself in doing so, and focus on more realistic factors.

regardless, please try to remember HE HURT YOU, and did not think a thing about your feelings.

i do believe when someone chose to leave, they have lost the right to know how you are doing, what you are doing. your life is yours now!

as hard as it may be, please do distance yourself from him...it sounds very toxic. you are a mom to be...don't let his neglect ruin this time in your life. trust me, give it some time and i am sure you will see him in a different light.

please take care of yourself, think of all your GREAT qualities, and know you deserve better.

[alasia]

I see what you're saying, and I think I have been moving on in some respects - I didn't see him for three weeks and I admit, I didn't think about him as much and did feel better about not being with him, then I've seen him twice this week and it's set me back again - but the thing is; you say I'm a mum to be, but I'm a mum to be because of him - IYKWIM.

 

When this baby was concieved, I loved him, I believed (and he said) he loved me, wanted this baby etc and we planned it - albeit rushing into things a bit too quickly, but it was talked about all the same.

To be honest I think I'd feel better if the baby was an 'accident', maybe then I'd find suddenly being on my own and pregnant easier to deal with? I don't know.

I'm getting these stupid thoughts that we planned to be a family, so we should at least try to be one. I know that's silly though, because we were only together for 5 months, and plenty of couples/families split up.

 

I'm also very stubborn; so A - being 'dumped' wasn't a comfortable experience for me (usually I'm the one to end things), and B - I would have liked to have taken a break with no contact for a while, then seen if we could have tried again, starting totally from scratch with no family involved, none of the baggage from the past; that kind of thing.

Because at the core of the things, we did get on.

I truly believe that things would have worked better if his family were slightly further away and less able to control his/our life and if certain people (such as his 'friend' Wendy) weren't around to interfere.

And, of course, if we BOTH worked a bit harder to think about the other one a bit more, and put effort into making the relationship work.

 

Whenever I've tried to talk to him about it recently though, he says I won't change (which is possibly another way of saying he won't change; he's just trying to pass the blame onto me)

 

And yes he did hurt me, but I hurt him too; the reason he asked for a break in the first place was after I hit him (not proud of that).

I've since had anger management and counselling and stuff so I think I'm over all that, but then there's the whole thing with me breaking his windows and stuff.

He did say he wanted to get back together a couple of months ago (even after I'd hurt him quite badly), but ever since the window/damages thing he won't even talk about the possibility of being friends, let alone reconciling

 

Oh - one final thing:

 

i know it hurts, but the truth is..if he wanted to contact you, he knows how.

 

Not really...I don't have his phone number, he doesn't have mine, I'm moving house in a week and I wasn't planning on giving him my new address and I don't see him socially. Plus the only time I see him now is twice a week when he's working - even then it's only if I happen to be going out on a Friday or Saturday night and I usually avoid his bus then anyway. He does know where my mum lives, so I suppose if he was really desperate to contact me he could go and see her; even though he's only met her a couple of times - but then, he's the type to just get on with things after a break up, he's very laid back/lazy (call it what you will! hehe) so wouldn't ever get so desperate to work things out with someone that'd go all out to do it; he'd ask once or twice (as he has done with me in the past), then just leave it.

It's because he's happy enough being single, plus he's the type to bottle up his emotions.

 

The thing is though, he'd never be able to think about it for a bit and decide he wants to get back in touch with me, because we left things on such bad terms.

All he's seen for the past couple of months is me acting impulsively (which he hates), being a bit of a pest and everytime I've seen him, complaining! I've had a tendency to critisise him a lot lately and last night (before we started getting on quite well) he said "you always moan".

So it's not like I've left a good lasting imopression in him!

 

That's kind of why I want to get back on better terms with him/talk to him more, so he remembers the positive side of me instead of just the bad stuff.

[alasia]

Wanted to add, I am trying to get over it and move on, and as I've said so many times on here, I'm sure I'd find it a lot easier if I didn't have a little certain somebody wriggling away inside my tummy, reminding me of him every hour of the day!

 

I'm kind of worried about that too if I'm honest - Phil must have strong genes or something because I've seen pics of his eldest son and his current youngest (by 2 different women), and they both look a lot like him.

He's got really bright blue-green eyes and I'm worried this little one will have Phil's eyes as well, just like his other sons do, and I won't be able to look at my baby without thinking about Phil too - and obviously if Phil and I aren't in contact, I want to forget about him and move on.

 

But I'm sure once the bay's born, I'll forget who his dad is after a while and just see him as my son.

[tinke]

whew! i am sorry alasia that you are going through so much despair. i do want to offer you support, and i can tell you that many women have loved and raised their children alone. ask any child of divorce, and i am sure you will hear that being in a dysfunctional environment is a lot more damaging than being raised by a single loving parent. i understand what you are saying that your child was conceived from love, but..the present situation has changed. as much as we would like, we cannot force someone else to care about us or love us. BUT...we can do that for ourselves!

i know you are hurt, but it appears that you are perhaps glorifying your ex more than deserved. and if your relationship escalated to violence as you said, that is a waving RED FLAG! good for you to have received counseling on anger mngmt.

please try not to let the joys of pregnancy be distracted by the wishes of your ex to return. believe me, i know how difficult this is. but, your unborn may sense your emotional distress. you may have to face that you will be doing this alone..you can do this!

congrats on the 3wks of n/c...try to keep going. you will see how things take on different meaning when we don't try to change things that we cannot.

just try to focus on you and let things happen as they were meant to. (easy to say, i know...but true). i would guess actions speak much louder than words...both ways. you would have to prove that you canm handle stressful matters appropriately, and he would have to prove he cares, if he chooses.

for all of us, the bottom line is..there is just some things we cannot control. once we accept this truly...we can begin to heal.

take care...treat yourself to a something special.

[alasia]

You're right - if it's meant to be, etc...

 

The annoying thing is I was thinking that myself, right up until yesterday when I saw him again - aargh!

Plus it was fathers day today and that kind of got me thinking.

 

I'm sure it's just one of those days, and I'll be back on track tomorrow.

 

Thanks