dtbwh Posted June 17, 2007 Posted June 17, 2007 I have been dating my (ex?) GF for a little more than 5 months; she is 24 and I am 23. We are both grad students, although we study completely different subjects. We met through mutual friends (my good friend who dates a girl that goes to grad school with my GF). The first couple months of the relationship were great, minus some obvious trust issues that she had with me. She had been cheated on in her last relationship, and knew I had recently unsuccessfully pursued someone that I go to grad school with, and would react strongly when she knew I was spending time with said girl. It got to the point that we had a lengthy conversation and I almost left her; she, however, promised to work on it, and I never looked back. The next few months were great. We then had finals at roughly the same time, but her a week before me and me two weeks later than she did. It was a stressful time where we didn't get to see a lot of each other, but, again, no major issues arose. School ended for the both of us and things were great again between us. She then went to Europe for three weeks with a mutual (girl) friend of ours. While she was gone, I realized that I missed her a great deal and really cared for her. She came back home, and she was just, well, different. Moody, lots of ups and downs, hot and cold. After she had been back for a week, and after some thought, I told her that I loved her. She didn't reciprocate. Instead, she held me closer, kissed me and smiled. The next day, she told me that she was happy to hear it, but wanted to make sure that it (saying I love you) meant something when/if she said it to me. She left town for work for 4 days shortly thereafter, and I didn't see her again until earlier this week. We spent time together, like usual, until this past Friday. On Friday, I woke up at her place, left to do some work and workout in the morning and afternoon, and then went to a matinee with her. When we got back to her place, she was complaining of an upset stomach, so we just laid on the couch together. Much to my surprise, about an hour later she told me, amongst other things, that she didn't really think our relationship was going anywhere, that she had been different--cold, aloof, even mean to me--since she had been back from Europe, that she appreciated her independence while in Europe, that the "spark" between us had been lacking as of late, and that she was confused about us and needed time and space. I was taken completely by surprise, and probably did not handle the situation as well as I could have. That said, I didn't raise my voice, cry, or otherwise freak out, and ended up leaving--not really wanting to go on a "break" as she suggested, because I thought such talk was more or less meaningless. I called her as I drove back to my place and we talked a little more. After arguing about whether we were breaking up or taking a "break" I caved--given my love for her--and let her say we were on a "break." I am not naive, and have read many of the posts dealing with the subject here, but I would appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation. She is adamant about not cheating on me while in Europe and that there are no other guys that she is interested in. She even told me to check with our mutual friend if I didn't believe her. Since Friday, I've gone into NC mode, which I think is the only thing that I can do. That said, I have not felt this way about a girl in over five years, and care deeply for her. I know all I can really do is give her time and space and hope for the best, but has she already made up her mind to move on? I went out to the bars tonight with some friends, which was surprisingly helpful, but all that I could think about was her. I know I should probably just move on for my sake, but I think there is great potential for us and that she is just deciding to back away at a point in our relationship (she had told me that she usually ends relationships 3-4 months in) because she realized everything wasn't perfect and that we would have to work a little to keep each other happy. I also know it makes no sense to mull over what I may have done right or wrong, and that logic likely has no place in this at all. Her trip to Europe seems to have changed something, though, and I don't know if I am meaningful enough to her to warrant a second chance of sorts. I know this post is long-winded, but besides NC, what, if anything can I do, and does it sound like she is either just letting me down softly and/or otherwise ending things for good between us?
Author dtbwh Posted June 17, 2007 Author Posted June 17, 2007 Anyone? It's only day 2 of NC and I am starting to feel miserable.
lonelybuthappy Posted June 17, 2007 Posted June 17, 2007 Anyone? It's only day 2 of NC and I am starting to feel miserable. Hello there. Now you have time for yourself.Read Bible, some good book , don't tell your problem to everybody, loneliness will give you power back.(she cannot drain you anymore). Day for day, you'll be ok, don't call her, strictly NC. Don't answer her calls. no mails, no txts, nothing. Enjoy, sleep, eat well, do what you like...
norajane Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 At least she was honest with you about her feelings. Stick to NC and move on. Regardless of if she calls it a break or break-up, the fact is this is a pattern for her...breaking up with people after a few months. She's not going to break that pattern with you, apparently. This should make you realize she's not a good candidate for a long term relationship: she realized everything wasn't perfect and that we would have to work a little to keep each other happy If you really believe that's why she broke up with you, then wow, WTF are you even thinking about her for anymore? A person who would walk away rather than work on anything, or who doesn't want to do any work to make each other happy, has no clue what a good relationship is about. Every good relationship takes work. If she's not willing to put in some work, then she's not as great as you think she is.
Author dtbwh Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 At least she was honest with you about her feelings. Stick to NC and move on. Regardless of if she calls it a break or break-up, the fact is this is a pattern for her...breaking up with people after a few months. She's not going to break that pattern with you, apparently. This should make you realize she's not a good candidate for a long term relationship: If you really believe that's why she broke up with you, then wow, WTF are you even thinking about her for anymore? A person who would walk away rather than work on anything, or who doesn't want to do any work to make each other happy, has no clue what a good relationship is about. Every good relationship takes work. If she's not willing to put in some work, then she's not as great as you think she is. Thank you for your response. I guess when I decided I loved her it was in spite of knowing of her apparent problems with relationships. Maybe it was naive or just stupid, but I had convinced myself that I could work on her problems with her and we could grow together as a couple and as people. I was willing to do that kind of work--really any kind of work--because I care about her so deeply. I just wish she would take a chance with me, too.
norajane Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 It takes TWO to make a relationship work. You have to stop thinking of it as her not giving you a chance. You have to accept that it's not about her giving you a chance - it's about her not wanting the part of a relationship that goes beyond the initial happy-happy phase; it's about her not wanting the part that requires work. I had convinced myself that I could work on her problems with her That's on you - you can't save people from themselves, you certainly can't do it if she doesn't even care if she needs saving. She likes who she is. She doesn't want to change.
Author dtbwh Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 She sent me a text message asking how I was. After about thirty minutes, I didn't know what to do, so I replied: "I'm well--how are you?" Should I have ignored her message? Said something more? Something less? edit: she replied and said "I'm OK...I will call you in the next few days." I haven't said anything back and don't think that I should, right?
Author dtbwh Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Any advice regarding the text messages? Also, how should I handle myself when she calls me? I'm so nervous--I feel like I have everything to lose if I don't do everything just right.
Author dtbwh Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 I think she is going to call tomorrow--please help!
Author dtbwh Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 She called me tonight, and wants to get together tomorrow to talk. I asked her if she was sure she had enough time--she said she could probably use a few more days, but believes that talking tomorrow might be helpful for her. I am very nervous. Is there anything I can do besides be myself tomorrow?
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