InterestedInLife Posted June 17, 2007 Posted June 17, 2007 Hi all, So I am a believe in you can be friends with Ex's, not always, but sometimes it works out like so. I currently have 2 friends that were ex's. One of which I have known for 10 years, we dated for about 3 months about 1 year into knowing each other, but realised we are better suited as friends. Now I have met the woman of my dreams! The best GF I have ever had and we can both see lots of potential. All of her Ex's BF's it seems didn't want her to be friends with Ex's and even had issues with her having male friends (that were never ex's). So its quite a change of pace for her to be with me, so much so, she almost seems confused by this. So there's a few issues here, but my question is, although she says yes its cool I still see my friend of 10 years, she doesn't want to meet and her and I am not totally convinced she is ok with this. What do people think ? How can I abandon a friend of 10 years ? This girlfriend though, I could see myself marrying.... Thanks.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted June 17, 2007 Posted June 17, 2007 Tough question. I am friends with an ex. I would hate to think I had to give up that friendship for the new man in my life. On the one hand, your new gf should trust you enough, that you can continue being friends with your ex. On the other hand....if you love her enough to marry her, and this is an issue that really hurts her, you need to take her feelings into consideration. I don't know if it is possible, in your situation, but maybe you could "share" the friendship with your gf. Try to involve her in it, and possibly they could become friends too. That would be the best solution, but I also know some people harbor too much jealousy for something like that to be possible.
oppath Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Yes, ex's can be friends. No, they can't be friends right away after a breakup (unless it was highly mutual). Yes, a current SO should feel a little jealous. No, it doesn't have to be a problem as long as your SO gets to meet the ex, the ex knows all about them, etc. If you go to the ex to discuss relationship problems, that is a problem. Your current SO should be your closest confidant even if you are close friends with an old ex. Use a different friend for those purposes. Basically, if you treat your new partner like they are the most important person in your life, if you introduce them to everyone important in your life, including an ex if you are friends with an ex, things should be fine. My last relationship, I had no problem with my gf wanting to be friends with her ex. She thought I did...because they had recently broken up and she didn't want to tell him about me to not hurt his feelings. That was a bad decision on my part. I was not jealous or controlling or possessive. Saying "the romance as gone, I am with you" wasn't respectful of my feelings. Saying "I understand where you are coming from. If he can't handle the fact that I am dating someone new, it's too soon for us to be friends, and I shouldn't be in much contact with him." If I become involved with a woman who is friends with an ex...quite simple, if they are going to meet up, and I haven't met the dude a couple times in group situations...I am going to say "I'd like to meet him, can I come too?" If the answer is no, I'll ask "is it because it would be awkward for him to see you with someone else?" If the answer is yes, I'll say "then it doesn't sound like you are truly just friends, at least on his end, and that makes me uncomfortable. I've been burned in this situation before, and while I support you being friends with anyone you enjoy and who brings value to your life, if I can't be shared with the important people in your life, including ex's who are friend's, then we are going to have problems. I want this relationship to move forward, and you are welcome to meet all the important people in my life -- they all know about you and I want them to meet you -- and I need the same in a relationship. That is my need. What are your thoughts about this?" Seems fair to me, though the above wording is awfully contrived . Quite simply, once we become official, I should be meeting ALL my gf's friends, including ex's. Anyone who is an important part of her life, should know about me, and if they are going to hang out, I should feel free to say "I've never met that person but you talk about him/her often. I'd like to meet them. Can I come too?" And the answer to that question should be YES.
jerbear Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 It is possible to be friends with ex's; however the chase and romance between the two MUST be gone. It may take time and it anyone hides the fact of friend's with ex's is a warning sign. I've had one ex who kept in contact with her ex without issues. Usually wherever they spend time with their friends, they shouldn't have a problem with you meeting their friends eventually. Personally I prefer bringing the relationship down to just aquaintances. Why keep in deep contact when there is someone already in your life.
Aussie65 Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 well I have had a bad experience with this type of situation.My BF kept ALL his ex's as friends and would ring them often and discuss things to do with our relationship...just not on.I have no problems with a person saying hi to an ex in public but when you think that in many cases you have been intimate with that person the thought must come to mind at times about the moments you did spend together.I have heard so often where people have gone back to their ex's or slept with them...you have to have boundaries and if the ex is still single then I would find that a threat if I was involved with a guy that wanted to visit/hangout/call his ex. Is she in a relationship now?I have only stayed friends with my ex husband as we have children together otherwise I have burned bridges.I say hi if I see any and that is it. You sound happy....good luck with it.
Author InterestedInLife Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Thanks people. Lots of good information here. It seems I am not way of left field here. My friend of 10 years in truly a friend. Don't even refer to her as an ex, but technically she is. She is in a long term relationship and probably going to marry this guy. Are the years we have both been happy for each other when we have found someone. So if my current girlfriends gets to understand all this, she shouldn't really have a problem. But point taken about putting her feelings first. She is very special and her feelings do come first. Just would be tough to ditch a friend that I have know for so long. Thanks everyone. Any more points of view are welcome.
lindya Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 So if my current girlfriends gets to understand all this, she shouldn't really have a problem. But point taken about putting her feelings first. She is very special and her feelings do come first. Just would be tough to ditch a friend that I have know for so long. It doesn't sound as if your gf is asking you to dump your female friend. Didn't you say that she just mentioned that she doesn't want to meet her, but doesn't object to you yourself meeting up with your friend? I can see her point. If I was in a new relationship and the guy had a female friend he used to date, I'd be wary about meeting her until I was more established with him. After all, if she took a dislike to me (or even if she didn't, but was secretly still hung up on him) then she'd be in a perfect position to do a bit of subtle sabotage while the relationship was still new and vulnerable. Some women can be pretty possessive of their exes even when they (the women) have another man in their life. So all said, I think your new gf is just being sensible and taking care of the new relationship.
Aussie65 Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 I would be more concerned with the fact they have been friends for so long and could probably talk about almost anything and when we had problems the topic of hot discussion could very well be me...too close I think.
Author InterestedInLife Posted June 19, 2007 Author Posted June 19, 2007 Thanks for the responses. No, my GF has not said she doesnt want me seeing her, although I was not complete sold when she said this (its not what you say, but the way you say it). I was just looking for peoples opinions on how they handle Ex's that are friends with their partner. Any more perspectives welcome.
oppath Posted June 19, 2007 Posted June 19, 2007 I don't know what to tell you because I've only had to deal with this when the "friend" ex was a recent ex and my gf didn't want to hurt his feelings. In hindsight, that is a sign she wasn't ready for a new relationship. First, do you understand why your gf may be a little wary? You say you're not completely sold on her saying it's ok, but do you understand why she may be a bit uncomfortable? Second, you have power here to make her comfortable. You can involve her, you mostly hang out with your ex in group situations until your current gf is more comfortable, etc. There are many things you can do to show your current gf that she is your priority and your ex is just a friend. I think the big thing here is YES, it is completely natural for a new partner to feel uncomfortable, even jealous, when the person you want to build a future with is friends with someone they used to be highly intimate. A small amount of jealousy is good. It is normal, and it is healthy. When jealousy becomes large, it's a sign that boundaries are being violated. Whether those boundaries are healthy and appropriate is another issue. A small amount of jealousy, however, is good. You won't know what her boundaries are, but I doubt she'd ever ask you to give up a friend. Just don't take your relationship problems to that friend. Don't do it. If you have a fight with your gf, don't say "I talked to ex about it". Don't. And even if you want alone time with your friend, if it is a weekend, for example, and your current gf isn't doing anything, ask her "would you like to come along?" Make it clear with ACTIONS that you have nothing to hide and that she is your priority.
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