I'm weak, and kinda scared.....

[Lost_in_TN]

For a little history on my situation you can look at this thread.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t66634/

 

I know it covers a lot of ground, and there are so many twist and turns to it that I really don't think I could ever get it across in text. Though I can't really forget about all the things she has done in the past, I'll just try and post what is going on now.

 

'07 was gonna be a breakout year for me in ways. I've kind of been in a rut with my day job, but it's a great job all things considered, after 10 years I guess I'm a bit burned out. So instead of giving up nice perks, decent pay and benefits, I decided to start a small business on the side. A self-owned and operated business. My ex had assumed the role of my live in girlfriend back in Sept. '05. It was a mistake, and I am stupid for being weak enough to fall for her bull, but anyway we really had done much better this time around. Though there were still a lot of things I just had to overlook, I guess I made due with what I had, and was pretty happy really. I never expected some fairytale life with anyone, so I embraced the good, and tried not to focus on the bad. I know now it wasn't a healthy relationship, but I did love her, and I believe in her own way she loved me.

 

In January I started working hard to make this small business a reality. I had a lot of studying to do for licensing, and was pretty much 100% occupied. Really up until the bomb dropped, '07 was a blur. But we still had some time together and things seemed ok. I was optimistic about what changes we could make in our lives with the extra income. We talked about remodeling the house, doing some vacations that we'd always wanted to do, and maybe even marriage if things kept going well.

 

But the last couple of weeks we were together I sensed something was wrong, but wrote it off as one of her mood swings. I honestly thought she may have been slipping back into a depression. A few weeks earlier she'd went to a "walk-in" clinic and they put her on PROZAC. I was like WHAT??? I told her that she needed to see a specialist and make sure that the meds she was on wouldn't make her worse. She never did go see anyone. That had me concerned for sure, but with her dramatics were the norm. Also around the same time she went and got put on the meds she accidentally copied me to an e-mail she sent to a friend and it was HORRIBLE. To hear her tell it she just wanted to run away from the life she had. She never mentioned specifics like me or her job, but it was very sad to read. So I confronted her, and she seemed shocked that I'd gotten a copy of the e-mail. But she then blew it off saying that she'd just been in a funk and things were better now.

 

I think all those things, plus what had happened in the past had me a bit standoffish towards her, and that is what pushed her over the edge. On May 24th, I had taken the day off to go on a field trip with my son's class. It was their last day of school, and we had a good time. When I got home that afternoon I worked out in the garage on my dirt bike. She called home when she got off work, told me that she was going to the bank and then would be right home. I said ok, then she said I love you, and I'll see you in a few minutes. In about 15 minutes she was home, saw that I was busy, and said she thought she'd go visit her mom. (who lives just a few houses down the street) After I finished working on the bike I putted it down the street to test ride it and stopped at her moms and talked to them a couple minutes. They were sitting outside on the porch, and nothing seemed to be wrong.

 

I came home after that, cleaned up my mess in the garage, and went inside. When it got close to supper time I called and asked her what we were going to do / eat. She seemed vague, and I asked her if everything was ok??? She then said we'd talk. I knew then something was wrong. So I asked her to come on home and that we'd talk. She wanted to make me sweat I guess, and said that she'd see me after while. I then asked her again to come home, told her she was making me worried, and that the tone of her voice was making me think something was very wrong.

 

She then says ok, I'll be there in a minute. I'm waiting outside when she gets here. We go into the garage and sit in some lawnchairs. Within 60 seconds she tells me she needs her space and is going to move in with her mom for a while. I am like WHAT???? Just like that you are moving out? I asked her what was driving her to do this, and wanted to know why we couldn't work on whatever it was before she decided to move out. She told me her mind was made up, and that nothing I could say or do would change it. I then told her that my gut feelings were saying there was more, and it probably involved another guy. She denied it to the hilt.

 

So for the next couple weeks she sent mixed signal after mixed signal. It was killing me, because one day we'd talk and everything seemed fine, then the next day she wouldn't even return my calls.

 

So on Friday June 8th I was so emotionally wacked out, I called into work and took the day off. She was off as well, so I called her and told her we had to talk. She was nice, and seemed to be in a positive mood. When she came to the house I told her it was time to make it or break it, and that with everything she and I had been through in the past, I just couldn't go down this road anymore and live my life in limbo. I told her either to come home so we could really work on what was bothering her, or for us to call it quits and put an end to it. Immediatley she said she'd come back home, that she loved me, and she didn't want to lose me. We spent that night together, and went out for supper. We had a great time, and I was really happy to have her back. On Saturday we moved all her things that she'd moved to her moms back, and she said she was home, and would never leave again. Sunday was a great day as well, and we were rarely out of each other's sight.

 

We rode to work together on Monday, and that afternoon when she got into the car after work I knew something was wrong. Indeed it was. Shortly after arriving home she proceeds to confess that she'd been seeing another guy from work even before she'd moved to her moms, and that she'd had sex with him on the night of her birthday. (which was may 31st, I gave her a dozen long stemmed roses that day ) She said that she didn't feel right being with me, and having feelings for him. I was totally devistated, and told her I didn't even know what to say. She said, let me have a few days to think about this and decide who I want to be with. She then said she was going to a friends house in the country to be isolated from everything, and that she was sorry.

 

All I said after that was "When you walk out that door I'm pretty sure it's over for me regardless of what you decide". She grabbed a few changes of clothes and was gone in just a couple minutes. About 5 minutes after she left I called her cell phone. I calmly said "Tell me the truth, and quit lying to me, you are going to be with him aren't you"? She simply said "Yeah". I told her I hoped that they were going to be happy together, and thanked her for once again shattering my heart into a million little pieces. I then hung up, and it was the last time I ever called her.

 

The next night I placed all her belongings on my front porch and figured her family would see them and notify her. I had made up my mind that she would never set foot back in my home, not even to get her things!!! She started trying to call me Wednesday afternoon and I wouldn't answer. As I was taking the garbage out to the curb I saw her car coming up over the hill. I almost got sick at my stomach. She was just going to wheel in the driveway like she owned the place and I blocked her passage and told her to leave. She rolled down the window and in an angry tone screamed "WHAT"??? I told her to go away, that I didn't want to be around her, and that I had placed all her things on the porch so she could get them. I explained that I didn't want her to ever be in my house again, so I put all her things outside. She screams at me that she is going to call the cops, and I told her to go ahead, I wasn't witholding any of her things. I then told her that she was more than welcome to come get them, I just didn't want to be around when she did. I told her to give me about 10 minutes, and I'd leave for a while so she could get some of her stuff.

 

She did come get a few things that night, but called me again twice the next day asking if I was sure that all her things were out there. I said yes both times and hung up.

 

You'd think that I'd have learned my lesson the first time. You'd also think that with all she has done I'd be happy that a liar, thief, and a cheater was out of my life. But there is still a big chunk of my heart that belongs to her. I want it to go way, and I know it will in time. I wish I was stronger at this point, but I am not. I'm not going to call her, I know better than that. It'd just set me back even more. I'm scared I'll bump into her at work, the grocery store, and am even petrified that I'll meet her coming down the highway.

 

I don't want to let her get to me with any mind games that I believe will surely come in the future when she really sees I am once and for all trying to keep her out of my life. I can only hope that when, or if, she does that I am in a better frame of mind and am strong enough to do just as I did Wednesday and firmly turn her away.

[polywog]

Wow, I didn't read your other thread, but I think I get the gist. That sucks, and I know you are hurting like h*ll right now. But man, you really handled it well!

 

Her thing of finding another guy is what's called "the geographical cure".... people that aren't happy think that by moving someplace new or getting a new bf/gf everything will be great because of the change, but the problem is, the place and person may change, but They haven't so the same problems start all over again once the bloom of novelty wears off, and often these people come crawling back.... with the same old problems! Saying they will change, or Have Changed!

 

They'll only change of they have done the work, but so many people don't. I am concerned that your ex was given Prozac without also seeing a therapist. I assume, anyway, that she's not seeing a therapist, right? That's pretty useless, as well as a bit dangerous. It's a heavy duty drug, and if she has psychological baggage, Prozac ain't gonna change any of that all by itself. Clearly your ex has super serious issues that keep her unable to maintain a good relationsip, from what you said here.

 

Anyway, it sounds to me like you've handled it really well, and since it's hard for you, just post away here all the time so we can keep your spirits up so you don't get too down! You really did the right thing, though it hurts your heart, and I think you know it....hang in there!

[Lost_in_TN]

Thanks a ton polywog. I know I did indeed do the right thing, but you are right IT HURTS LIKE H*LL!!!!

[Gunny376]

You need to seriously "man-up" with this woman and keep her out of your life!

 

Pysh-wise a lot of what you're going through doesn't even have anything to do with her. It has to do with your day to day comfort zone changing, that and a changing of your day to day routine and habitat. That is to say, we all fall into being comfortable with the day to day, doing same things at the same time, our belongings being in a certain place ~ things just being so. At its extreme a good example would be the Autistic in the movie "Rainman" ~ but that is inate in all of us.

 

I would dare say that its not so much her per say ~ as it was your making the adjustment to not having her around or a part of your life ~ this woman is toxic to you ~ dump her azz but for good.

 

George Jones wrote a song about this in which he said, "Its not that you've got 44DD, its not that your the prettest woman in town, its not that you own a chain of liqour stores, nor that your Daddy is the richest man in town ~ its just that I' m use to having you around."

 

That's the majority of it ~ I would say between 75 to 95 per cent of it is that ~ you're just use to having her around.

 

And you're right about her being an addiction for you. National Geograpic did a piece in which the compared the brain scans of people "in love"

 

They're almost identical to those that suffer from Obesseive-Comulsive Disorder. Except the love wears off after about four to six years.

 

I didn't read your other thread that you started back in 05 ~ Hell Man ~ this one contains more than enough for me to say dump her azz! And, your right! The minute she walked out that door ~ its over!

 

Where did you get it in your brain housing group that this as in her, is the best that life has got to offer? The best that you've deserve?

 

You sound like a hard working guy, with goals and ambitions? And you come across as though you've got something going "right" in your life. Despite being tangled up with this loser!

 

It seems to me that you're bringing everything to the party ~ and all she's got to do is show her "Paris Hilton" azz up! As though she's "entitled" to the fruits from your labor?! WTF?! And then she's out cheating on you, and leaves you to gather her thoughts about who she wants to be with? WTF?!

 

What does she have that any other woman doesn't have? What does she have to offer that any other woman doesn't have? What does she got that any other woman doesn't have just as good as ~ if not better, just as much of if not more?!

 

Financially ~ what's she bringing to the party? Even if she's in the lowest tax bracket ~ they're still taking a good 19 - 23%, ~ factor in her being a woman ~ (which is a lot of work and isn't cheap) ~ her working she's only probally contributing about 40 ~ 50 percent to the household income.

 

Then on top of that! You're putting a roof over her head, clothes on her back, a ride under her azz ~ and she's cheating on you with some hired hand that's probally not even making half of what you're making?!

 

HELL NO!

 

If I knew where you lived, I get in my car ~ spend hours driving to your house and smack you up-side your head!

 

Get your azz out in the front lawn at 2 AM and do a "Victory" dance under the sprinklers! And yell ~ "FREE ~ FREE AT LAST!" THANK ~ GOD! I'M FREE AT LAST! Make the neighobors wonder if you gone and lost your damned mind!

 

As far as the X driving by? Or passing her ~ just stick you head out the window and hollerrrrrrrrrrrrr!

 

HEY GIRL! HOW YA' LIKE ME NOW!

[quiet1one1]

She said, let me have a few days to think about this and decide who I want to be with.

 

WTF?!?! It's YOUR decision man and you made it! Good for you!

[Lost_in_TN]

LOL @ Gunny!!!

 

Man you right on so many of your points!!! I basically was a security blanket for this woman really. She contibuted very little to the household financially. Nothing really, she couldn't because her finances are, and have always been, in shambles. I tried hard to show her that just because you've got a few spare bucks, it doesn't mean you have to spend them. She never grasp that concept EVER!!!

 

I do work hard, and put in some long hours when I've got side projects going on with my business. Not to mention the normal day to day task that we all have. I try to stay motivated, and have always been a goal oriented person. That was one of our biggest differences. She'd let the most minimal of household chores pile up until she just had to do something. I, on the other hand, like to stay on top of things as best I can. In other words, she's a slacker of the highest order, and I am not.

 

Laying around on her butt all the time is what she really liked to do. What a waste of one's life.

 

quiet1one1,

You're right it is my decision, and I know I have to stick to it this time. Right now this "adjustment" phase is tough because of the void I feel. Like gunny said with the George Jones song, a lot of it is that I am just used to having her around. Sad but true, and when I step back and really look at all the things I didn't like about her it really does point to that. I really don't think I could've done much worse.

[Lost_in_TN]

I've been sort of hiding out here at work since the deal with the ex and I has really went south. I was scared to face her, for fear that it'd set me back, or that it'd give her an opportunity to do something that'd hurt me. I talked to my brother last night and told him the lengths that I'd went to avoid her, and that I was really scared of when I did actually bump into her. He was like, screw that dude, your empowering her, and you need to face your fears, show her that you are moving on with your life, and that you are ok. After mulling over it last night, I made the decision that the hiding out, and walking around here like I had blinders on, was going to stop today.

 

So I faced my fears this morning, and I am happy to say that I believe it was the right thing to do. I didn't see what I thought I'd see. This giddy bubbly person that I expected wasn't there. In fact it was the exact opposite, she looks miserable, and you know how you can read someone that you've spent years with. I know that she is not happy, and is more than likely already realizing that she has again made a huge mistake. It helps me to know that she is, even if it is just a little bit, actually paying a price for what she has done. I totally expected her to be all a glow since she is in a new relationship with the guy she left me over.

 

I made sure she saw me more than once, and I looked directly at her each time. She couldn't even look me in the eye. All she could do was bow her head and sort of look the other way. Obviously there must be trouble in paradise.

 

Even more confirmation that something is wrong, is a conversation I just had with a friend a few minutes ago. He came by my office and said "You didn't call that ol' gal or anything this weekend did you"? I said "No, why"? He told me that he was sitting in the back half of the breakroom when she came in this morning. He said she looked like she'd had a very rough night, and that she had tears in her eyes. He said he automatically figured that something had happened between us. I told him no, that I have left her alone, and that I had faced my fears this morning and made sure she saw me a few times. I told him I knew by looking at her that she was in a bad way, looked miserable, and she couldn't even look in my direction.

 

He said exactly what I was already thinking, which was "She's already seeing that the grass isn't as green over there as she thought it would be". Serves her right............

 

I think that this helps my situation, because I have been scared of seeing her, and totally expected her to maybe rub it in my face that she was all happy and content with the new guy. I've been pretty miserable since all of this has happened, and figured if I saw her acting all happy and stuff, that it'd set me back. Fortunately that didn't happen, and I think this morning put me one step closer to where I need to be.

 

Thoughts???

[Lost_in_TN]

Well, I guess I saw it coming. She contacted me today after work, and was being a total bi$ch about everything. I tried to refrain, but I couldn't help but say "You sure don't look very happy for someone in a "new" relationship. Of course then she bombarded me with how happy she was etc.

 

I don't even know why any of this matters to me really?

[Gunny376]

Buy your azz books and pencils ~ send you to school ~ and you still don't know nothing! WTF?

 

You're doing a good job of manning up! Keep on keeping on~!

 

The best predictor of present and future behavior ~ is past behavior.

 

If?! You ever take her back ~ here's the deal?! She's got to earn her way back! If she wants back? She's got to earn it the old fashion way ~ she's got want it and she's got to work for it!

 

Why would want this parasite anyway? All she's doing is sucking your "life-blood" out of you? What is she bringing to the party? What is she bringing to the table?

[Lost_in_TN]

Gunny,

I showed weakness this afternoon, and I know her, she'll rub my nose it it as sure as I'm sitting here. I feel like a complete A$$ for ever letting it get personal again. I was well on my way to feeling better, now here I sit after MANY Budweisers feeling like a chump,loser etc.

 

Why couldn't I have been cut and dry and never said anything about "You don't seem happy"? Because it really doesn't matter in the big scheme of things if she is, or is not, happy. Now she'll have her game face on, and her and the new flame will be at work putting on a show.

 

I'm an idiot, I knew that NC was the key to my strength, yet I fell like I was clueless. I am very let down with myself at this point. A friend told me tonight that she was gonna rub my nose in all of this now, and that I deserve all the pain that it will put me through.

 

I'm drunk, and really don't give a crap at this point. But come tomorrow I'll be singin' the blues one again. I'm ignorant...................

[azianpride143]

You are one lucky man. You are fortunate you have no kids together. Unlike my situation. I am happy you have made the right choice and got out of it intact.

 

I look back at my own marriage and blame myself for not getting out of it early enough. I thought I could change her. I thought I could help fix her mental state. But instead I ended up hurting myself and my kids.

 

You can only control your own life and if she doesn't want to get help there's not much you can do. One thing I learned in life, steer away from people who have mental baggage. They will suck the life out of you and drag you down with them.

[Lost_in_TN]

azian,

You're so right, but I won't say intact at this point. I'm still quite a mess, but can honestly say I've been worse.

 

The ex confronted me at work this morning. Again she looked really bad, and was on the verge of crying the entire time she talked to me. She is still expecting me to do things for her through all of this. I told her that the days of me taking care of her are over. I said "You really expect me to do favors for you after what you have done"??? I told her that what she did to me was so wrong, and cold, that it killed everything I had for her. I told her that she needed to get her life on track for once and stop this crazy vicious cycle. She told me the reason she did what she did was that she wasn't happy. I said "Yeah, my first wife wasn't happy either, and now she's miserable and would love to come back". (she already knew that) I also said "If you weren't happy you could have left without cheating on me". I ended the conversation by telling her that I could see she really isn't happy, and that I know deep down she made a huge mistake, and is in a big mess right now. I told her I wouldn't be there to pick up the pieces again, when everything really starts crashing down on her. I then turned, walked away and left her standing there.

 

Though I know I did well, I still feel like a complete putz for feeling sorry for her.

[azianpride143]

It's perfectly normal to feel what your feeling inside. You cared about her. But at this time you need to cut your ties with her. Do not let her connect with you anymore or you will feel depressed. Sometimes it's best for them to wallow in their mistakes and maybe someday she can get some help. It was her choice to fool around. She has to face the consequenses of her actions.

 

My ex always assumes that no matter what she does I will always protect her, forgive her, and make sure everything is taken care of in her life. Yes that may have been the case while we were married. When she chose to have an affair. I had to make a choice. It was hard for me to do since she still uses the kids to connect to me. But it is getting better and better as time goes by.

 

Separation is hard in the beginning. But clarity starts kicking in after a while. Then you start seeing the light and like what they say, "the truth will set you free".

[sumdude]

Lost

 

You're doing fine and what you need to be doing. Stop kicking yourself constantly. You're human with emotions and reactions and not necessarily 'weak' or a 'putz'. If you keep telling yourself those things you'll believe them soon enough. To me, the fact that you still have some compassion for her is a strength not a weakness. As long as you retain the firm belief that there is nothing you can or need to do for her. It is her life and her decisions that make her miserable and affected you as well. Until she looks square into her reflection and sees it things will never change for her.

 

Maybe back off the Buds, they only make your emotions harder to deal with and loosen your mind to do things that set you back.

[quiet1one1]

Lost,

 

I was feeling a lot like you with the constant worry about how my emotions were appearing. My IC told me one day, "next to the death of a child, divorce is the worst thing you will ever experience. It's like your partner died but they're still on this earth for you to see but not to have. EVERY possible emotion and reaction, except for abusive ones, are within limits and are to be expected. Feel what you feel -in private if you can help it- and move on. Don't beat yourself up, you're HUMAN." (paraphrasing of course)

 

Hang in the buddy.

[Lost_in_TN]

Thanks for all the kind words, it means a lot to me. Right now I hope things go into the NC mode and stay there. Her being in front of me looking like a total wreck, and fighting off tears, is not healthy for me. In the past, I can honestly say that I've done more for her than I ever should have. Those days are gone. She made her bed, now she is going to have to sleep in it.

 

I don't really like the fact that her life is in shambles. I hate to see anyone in a bad situation, or looking as if they are on the brink of some type of breakdown. But there is nothing I can do for her now, I've got to think about myself, and my son. We can't have some loose cannon like her in our lives any longer. Too much damage has already been done as it is.