What About This Past Relationship and Break Up?

[Flyweight]

Please help me make of sense of this and what I should do next. At what point was this doomed?

 

I'm a 43-year-old woman and dated a man who's 46 for over a year and half. We got along really well and both agreed this was the best relationship we'd had in a long time. We had similar values, temperments, activities, etc. He said it was the most fun he'd had in years. We spent most of our free time together and visited each others' families a couple of times. We had both been married twice before and weren't interested in marriage. We particularly did a lot of athletic and outdoor activities together. We were always laughing and talking and having fun. We really enjoyed being around each other. We had excellent communication and honesty and everyone thought we made a great couple. There was never any drama, etc. Things were pretty even keeled.

 

Last weekend I went out of town by myself to go rock climbing. When I got back and saw him on Monday, he briefly told me that, over the course of the prior 48 hours, he had met someone that he wanted to pursue. I dealt with it very objectively, asked him a few questions and thanked him for being so honest. I did ask him why he was willing to throw away a 1.5 year relationship for someone he had just met. He said that he was shy early in life and regretted times when he didn't pursue girls he wanted to pursue. He felt that he would regret not pursuing this new girl.

 

Since the break up, I called him once just to get more information on exactly why he broke up. He answered my questions as best he could and I have no reason to believe he wasn't being truthful. He said he felt the relationship had "maxed out", but he wasn't able to describe what he meant. He said he couldn't see a future with me two or five years into the future which astounds me, since he's always told me how great the relationsip was, how wonderful I was, etc. Occasionally I would ask him how he thought the relationship was going and if there was anything we could improve. He consistently said no, everything was fine. I think if he wanted to progress the relationship, he should have been willing to put some work into it.

 

Keep in mind I never pressured him to "commit", etc. He is fairly closed emotionally -- having been through painful past relationships -- and I was always patient with him and never pressured him into more emotional disclosure. He said he always found me easy to talk to, that he could be himself around me and that he loved our low-maintenance relationship. He did like it when I opened up to him since he saw it as me trusting him. He was very empathetic to what I revealed about myself, but I felt very exposed because I was doing a lot of opening and not getting much in return from him.

 

So here are some interesting points:

• He made sure that he didn't use the labels "boyfriend", "girlfriend" or "couple" since they seemed to imply a level of commitment greater than what he was willing to give (even though we functioned as a couple and that's the way the rest of the world saw us);
  
• He has had a few live-in relationships and the break-up of his last marriage 10 years ago to the "love of his life" has been very painful -- he doesn't like to talk about it. One of the reasons it broke up was that his wife felt that he couldn't give her a strong enough commitment;
  
• A few months into out relationship he made a comment that he wondered what it would be like to live together but that it was probably too soon to think about it;
  
• Almost a year into the relationship he unexpectedly told me that "we should be living together to save rent" and that "this relationship is undefined" (that seemed to bother him) and that he could only see our future in 3 month increments, nothing longer. He also said that if he found someone "different" (not necessarily "better"), he'd let me know he'd want to pursue it. He said he could know after three dates if he'd want to pursue. After this conversation, I told him that we should think about downgrading the relationship to "friends", but he objected and said he didn't want things to change. The relationship could go on for weeks, months or years, but he couldn't make any guarantees. I decided to keep the relationship the same, despite this new disclosure, because I was having fun and not looking for marriage, etc. I've never had anyone put these kinds of conditions on a relationship before!
  
• He says he hates the "work" part of relationships. This means that he likes the first six months or so of a relationship but then loses interest when things get too "demanding" and work is involved. He said our relationship was basically "work free" and easy. He feels that work in a relationship doesn't yield a high enough "return".
  
• He doesn't like to commit to someone because he doesn't want to make promises without being able to change his mind.
  
• He says his "default" position is to have relationships that don't last for more than two years and he's comfortable with that right now, but he thinks at some point that could change to establish something longer.
  
• He said he doesn't have a lot of "depth" and that I pretty much had all he could give emotionally.
  
• We didn't make any declarations of love. I was waiting patiently to see if he would. A couple of times I asked him if he could see loving me the way couples love each other. He said he cared about me, had decided he liked me from the beginning and loved me the way he loves his close friends, past women, etc.
  
• He said that if the relationship had a future, there would have been more to it after a year and a half. It seems that he "expects" things to happen without really putting out much emotional effort.
  
• My friends have said that if this guy couldn't establish a committed relationship with me, they couldn't imagine who he'd do it with.
  
• We had a great sexual relationship, something that we both valued.
  
• He seemed to always want to define the relationship on his own terms. Sometimes I felt as though I didn't have a say in what was going on. In some ways, it felt like it was "all about him".
  
• He told me that the break up had nothing to do with me, that I was a great person, he had no complaints, etc. But now he thinks that since he's interested in this new woman, there was probably "something wrong" with our relationship but that he didn't know it at that time (and isn't able to determine what it is).

I'm wondering if/how I'm responsible for this. I'm not sure what I could have done differently. Maybe pushed him more emotionally? Been less patient? Forced him to start investing something? But it's not my style to do those things. I want someone to do those things on their own or ask for help if they find it difficult. I really wanted him to open up to me, to share. I wasn't asking for a permanent commitment, but it would have been nice to have SOME commitment, even if that meant not keeping his eye out for the next woman.

 

I feel hurt over this. Everyone tells me it's him and not me, and I believe them. Since the break up, all sorts of men have expressed an interest in dating me (but I'm not ready for that yet). I'm interesting, funny, smart, independent, outgoing, patient, really nice, cute and I have a great attitude.

 

In the mean time, I'm out doing the things I like doing and moving on. He still wants to be friends which is fine with me. We play sports together on the same team, so I will have to have contact with him. I'm taking the high road here -- being objective, civil and not contacting him. He did call me last night just to chat and see how I'm doing, which I thought was kind.

 

But if I'm so wonderful and the relationship was so great, what went wrong? All my friends and my counsellor tell me I'm better off without him (the counsellor thinks he may have commitmentphobic and narcissistic tendencies).

 

But I do miss him. He had a lot of great characteristics and we had so much fun together. I can't believe anyone else would be so patient and low maintenance as I was (that's just my nature).

 

I think he may regret his decision. He said, after only seeing this woman a couple of times, that he's planning to pursue a relationship with her. She's 20 years younger! I don't think it's occured to him that she may just see them as "friends" or that she may quickly get tired of him or she might eventually start demanding something more.

 

What should I look out for in my next relationship? Where is my responsibility in this break up?

 

Thanks for taking time to read.

 

-L

[jcster]

He is fairly closed emotionally ... and I was always patient with him and never pressured him into more emotional disclosure. He said he ... loved our low-maintenance relationship. He did like it when I opened up to him since he saw it as me trusting him. He was very empathetic to what I revealed about myself, but I felt very exposed because I was doing a lot of opening and not getting much in return from him.

 

This paragraph says it all to me. He invested very little emotion in the relationship, since he could rely on your commitment to it. Your emotional revelations allowed him to invest only what was necessary to keep you satisfied. It really sounds as if he was never really commited to your relationship at all, he liked it because it was easy.

 

So, then he decides your relationship has "maxxed out." How lovely.

 

It sounds like he knew exactly what he wanted to get out of his relationship with you and decided that he had benefitted as much as he possibly could from it before deciding to move on. I'm sure you find it as cold as I do, but he was very up front about the fact that he was investing almost no emotions into your relationship.

 

I don't think you did anything to hasten this, it sounds like it had simply run its course. Do you know why you were so satisfied to receive so little from this relationship? It sounds to me like you wanted more.

[MarinaAquamarina]

From what you've written, he doesn't seem like a nasty person - he was honest with you at the end. He does, however, seem like a man who has been incredibly hurt on more than one occasion. Perhaps he was afraid that your relationship was becoming too serious and, out of fear of being hurt again, ran as fast as he could away from it. Maybe that's why he is now dating someone 20 years his junior - someone who is unlikely to become a serious relationship. It could simply be his way of protecting himself from anymore hurt. It's awful for you, but you seem like a strong woman who can deal with this - and I don't think that you had anything to do with him choosing to end the relationship. If anything, you should be flattered that he perhaps cared so much about you and thought you were so wonderful that you could potentially break his heart, as others have done before you.

[fray718]

From what you've written, he doesn't seem like a nasty person - he was honest with you at the end. He does, however, seem like a man who has been incredibly hurt on more than one occasion. Perhaps he was afraid that your relationship was becoming too serious and, out of fear of being hurt again, ran as fast as he could away from it. Maybe that's why he is now dating someone 20 years his junior - someone who is unlikely to become a serious relationship. It could simply be his way of protecting himself from anymore hurt. It's awful for you, but you seem like a strong woman who can deal with this - and I don't think that you had anything to do with him choosing to end the relationship. If anything, you should be flattered that he perhaps cared so much about you and thought you were so wonderful that you could potentially break his heart, as others have done before you.

My honest opinion, please do not be offended as Im trying to help you.

 

You made it too easy for him. You gave him all the control in the relationship and u became a pushover. Pushover's are unattractive.

 

You have to set boundaries. If a guy tells you he might pursue other girls if he finds someone else he's interested, how can you let it go? I think being patient is good, but not to point of pushoverdom! At that point, you should have told him that you are uncomfortable that he's still looking for somene else given that amount of time you've invested in him. Tell him that you are only interested in a relationship that is committed. You should specify that commitment is important to u (and its true) and that you want him to know this is what your needs are and if he is unable to provide it, then you will have to know so you can decide what to do next. You got to be at least somewhat hard to get if you want to keep the guy. And know that if he cant commit, then he aint the guy for you anyway. Next time, don't waste 1.5 years to find out....read the red flags and proceed according. This guy had soooo many red flags. But be reassured that it prob woouldnt have worked out anyway given this guy does seem like a commitment phobe. You might have prolonged the relationship more than it should have here and that was prob the only thing I see you could have done better, but im sure next time you'll know to get out sooner.

[VIP]

We had both been married twice before and weren't interested in marriage. We particularly did a lot of athletic and outdoor activities together.

 

From the very beginning you didn't define what kind of relationship you were looking for. In a normal relationship people want to live together sooner or later.

 

Occasionally I would ask him how he thought the relationship was going and if there was anything we could improve. He consistently said no, everything was fine. I think if he wanted to progress the relationship, he should have been willing to put some work into it.

 

I don't think you should ask a man that question. That shows low self-esteem and insecurity

 

Keep in mind I never pressured him to "commit", etc. He is fairly closed emotionally -- having been through painful past relationships -- and I was always patient with him and never pressured him into more emotional disclosure. He said he always found me easy to talk to, that he could be himself around me and that he loved our low-maintenance relationship.

 

What level of committment were you thinking about? Live separately and be committed? How is it possible to have any kind of relationship with an emotionally closed man? There was no challenge in this relationship for him. He didn't have to try to become a better person or to please you. And this "low maintenance" thing, how is that appealing to you? Wouldn't you rather your man spoiled you?

 

He made sure that he didn't use the labels "boyfriend", "girlfriend" or "couple" since they seemed to imply a level of commitment greater than what he was willing to give (even though we functioned as a couple and that's the way the rest of the world saw us);

 

This was the red flag for you. He didn't take you seriously. It doesn't matter how the rest of the world is seeing you.

 

Almost a year into the relationship he unexpectedly told me that "we should be living together to save rent"

 

Very smart on his part

 

and that "this relationship is undefined" (that seemed to bother him) and that he could only see our future in 3 month increments, nothing longer. He also said that if he found someone "different" (not necessarily "better"), he'd let me know he'd want to pursue it. He said he could know after three dates if he'd want to pursue.

 

He did want to bacome more stable with you, but you didn't offer any solutions, so he figured it's not going to work with you. (Or may be he just wanted to save rent)

 

The relationship could go on for weeks, months or years, but he couldn't make any guarantees. I decided to keep the relationship the same, despite this new disclosure, because I was having fun and not looking for marriage, etc.

 

You agreed with this arrangement, he warned you in advance.

 

He doesn't like to commit to someone because he doesn't want to make promises without being able to change his mind.

 

And who needs this?

 

He says his "default" position is to have relationships that don't last for more than two years and he's comfortable with that right now, but he thinks at some point that could change to establish something longer.

 

I don't know how that can be appealing to any woman.

 

I wasn't asking for a permanent commitment, but it would have been nice to have SOME commitment, even if that meant not keeping his eye out for the next woman.

 

Well, you cannot be "a little bit pregnant". It's either you are committed or not.

 

I'm interesting, funny, smart, independent, outgoing, patient, really nice, cute and I have a great attitude.

 

He obviously didn't appreciate all that or it didn't look that way to him.

 

In the mean time, I'm out doing the things I like doing and moving on.

 

Seems like your relationship was centered around fun activities. But you know, there's more to life than just fun

 

But if I'm so wonderful and the relationship was so great, what went wrong?

 

You might be wonderful, but not for him. And this relationship obviously was far from great.

 

He had a lot of great characteristics ... I can't believe anyone else would be so patient and low maintenance as I was

 

It's not all about characteristics, there must be feelings in a relationship.