lynn64 Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 I have tried so many things... I figured I might as well try this. I don't really know what I need to do. My boyfried died a 2 1/2 ago and I haven't really seemed to get back into the swing of things. I have dated but I always seem to compare them to my old boyfriend...then decide they are not good enough. Often I even feel bad...like I am doing something wrong to him by being with other guys. He lived with me and I can't seem to make myself get rid of his things. When is the right time?
funkybassplayer Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 its very sad that, and sorry to hear that. I thnk having his things around are like having the spirit around. They are contant reminders to his presence, but you have the memories in your head. Maybe now is the time to let him go by getting rid of the stuff, like in a charity shop. Even in a relationship breakup, once the stuff goes back, it helps to move on. It sounds hard, but he is gone and your not, you have to carry on living for you. You have to find happeiness for yourself. You will join him again maybe up there,who knows, but for now, you have to live. Maybe your not ready to date yet, but having his things about you all the time is no good. Im Jewish and in our ways, we have to get rid of the possesions after 7 days. It helped us when we lost our dad.
InvisibleTouch Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 Hello there! Im sorry to hear of your story. Life must seem very difficult and confusing for you right now. For sure what you are experiencing is something that you should not underestimate. There are many side effects of dealing with trauma's like this and bizzarely these effects may be incredibly difficult to trace. I would say that your feelings are absolutely normal and completely understandable. Recovery is a slow and painful progress that may take many years. In some cases people may never recover, instead they just implement coping mechanisms that allow them to carry on with life in "safe mode". Please do not be hard on yourself. You are not recovered, that much is obvious. Talking with a counsellor or therapist will allow you to slowly de-scramble the effects of your experiences and put them into some sort of order. If you have been taking this action already then just continue to use it. You will know when to finally let go. What I will say is that one day someone will come into your life who will help you close that door and move on but until that time it ok to grieve. I hope this helps a little. If you have questions please ask away...
satori22 Posted June 17, 2007 Posted June 17, 2007 hi, I am currently dealing with a similar situation. My boyfriend is terminally ill and I am having a very hard time dealing with it. I know he will not be here much longer and it is very difficult to even imagine a life without him. I truly understand what you are going through, especially when you say you compare everyone to him and feel no one will ever compare. The only way I am capable of dealing with it is thinking about how so many women look their whole lives for someone like him and never find it. I transform the anger i feel about losing him into a feeling of gratefulness for having had a chance to be in his life. It may sound hokey, but it works for me...well most of the time. As for selling his things, well I personally wouldn't sell everything, at least not right now when you are still very upset and vulnerable. Instead, maybe just box them up, put them away in an attic or even rent a storage space. Several months from now, if you are feeling better, take a look. When you look through them, if you still feel overwhelmed then that will be your sign that you are not ready to move on and that you have more feelings to work through. Someday maybe you will be able to look at his pictures and read his letters and touch his clothes and remember good things. You'll feel a hint of sadness but you'll smile a little as well. When you reach that point, you'll know you are ready. Don't let anyone force you to move on or forget before you are ready. This is individual and it is your pain alone. Deal with it in whatever way you need to, but remember that what he would want more than anything is for you to just be happy. I'm very sorry about what you've gone through and are still going through. I can truly empathize with you and I wish you the very best. If you need to talk, I am more than happy to listen. Satori
Author lynn64 Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Thanks, so much for the encouragement. I have been seeing a counselor, but I really just don't think it is for me. I am fine when writing about things, but for some reason when it comes to that situation, I can't actually talk about it outloud (even to my friends and family). I kind of feel like it has been so long, people expect me to be over it, but I actually don't think I have ever really dealt with it. I just moved so that I didn't live in our house, I changed my whole life and then just kept going pretending in a way that it never even happened.
InvisibleTouch Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 You know what? Your reaction makes all the sense in the world! How is anyone ever supposed to deal with trauma like this in an "acceptible" way? Try and take strength from the fact that there is no right or wrong way. As it happens, your way is the right way for you so regardless of what your friends or family may think of your reaction it doesn't matter. However having said that you may want to ask yourself why you are worried about what your friends and family think. I do tend to think though that if they are genuine then they will stick by you regardless. One thing you may want to consider if you find it easier to write things down is to seek councilling on-line. Or find someone you can speak to anonomously on-line so you can off load. I cant emphasise enough though that your response is absolutely ok and nobody will ever think ill of you for doing what you are doing. Take strength from that.
satori22 Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 I have a very hard time talking about it outloud as well. It seems every time i try, i just break down. So instead I started keeping a journal. I never did it before, but I've been forcing myself to write it down. it's a pretty good exercise for just emptying myself of all the thousands of thoughts swimming in my head and afterwards i usually feel much better. it also gives me a record of what i've been through and where i am now, so i can see where i am emotionally. i don't know, it's just an idea.
Steveto Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 *breathe* YOU are trying to cope and understand what has happened and what you want for your future. You know that you want to eventually meet someone else and marry etc etc etc...You're not ready..2.5 years may seem like a long time, but there is a part of you that will not let him go..and I don't mean by selling or throwing his stuff away..I mean you haven't yet closed the chapter. I can't tell you how to do that and no one else can..ONLY YOU can do that and it is on your own time. It takes as long as it takes, but one day, you will feel comfortable writing talking and exploring into the world a bit more and he will always be part of you..don't ever forget that..no matter what you do..no matter where you go..if you burned all his possessions, no one can take him away from you. When you meet other men and you compare..you are trying to find a replacement instead of trying to find something new. You probably will never love someone the way you loved him, but the new love will be different and just as enlightening. If there are as many minds as there are heads, then there are just as many kinds of love as there are hearts. *Tolstoy* open your mind and see the entire picture and close the chapter..Then you will be ready. Don't rush.... Steve
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