elvish Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 Hi all...i'm a newbie...and after cruising around the internet today, came across this great site Having read a few threads etc, and reading all about everyones NC with their exs, i am almost amused at my handling of my break-up I'm open to all opinions after i tell my little tale, i'd love input from those of you who have broken up with your partners... My ex and i broke up just over three years ago. He did it, and it broke my heart. Having no clue on how to handle his departure (and not having this site!!) i contacted him. To be honest, i can't remember how, there was a lot of back and forth, him getting his stuff (we had been living together) etc etc. I have to say, i was madly in love with him, thought i had found that magical something that i never thought i would. We just matched. But anyway, contact was almost freeflow for ages...i would, and he'd respond (and then we'd see each other), or he would, and i'd respond (and we'd see each other)....we also did everything one could predict. I tried to make him jealous (and he'd react), and he'd try to make me jealous (and i'd react). I'm a bit embarrassed now, after reading all these threads, and seeing how proud people are over having NC for a few months etc. I was a great example of what not to do after a breakup. My issue now is, well, it still happens. He still contacts me (and i him)...i know what motivates me, i love him....i just don't know what motivates him. I've done the whole:he wants an ego trip, he's lonely, he's bored, he's a cruel person who enjoys toying with me, it's habit...etc et. I've acknowledged all of these things. But it still doesn't make sense. It's been YEARS !! We did, erh, do 'it' for awhile after we broke up, but then i stopped...so it was just hanging out. Then we started up again ( iknew it was a bad idea...), but we haven't for over 6 months. And yet he still comes around every now and then, and we just catch up and chat etc etc. I want to walk away, as he never does more, or shows more (he is quite closed off emotionally)....i may contact him, and he ignores it, but then he contacts me, and i ignore it too (we both do the 'ignore, then contact') I just don't know how to walk away. I don't want anyone else, i love him. And when we are together, it's like we are never apart. We sit and grin at each other, and, oh i don't know... In the past three years (since we have broken up) i have seen so much more of his personality, the good, the bad, the immature...and i love him more...as i know him more. I accept his faults. He has seen so much more of me too. I just don't know what to do...i obviously can't make him do/show more, and i'm not happy...but i STRUGGLE walking away....it's like it's ALMOST there, and if i walk away, i think i'll always wonder what could've been. I've never been like this with other exs, never felt this way about anyone. Any input is welcome, but along the lines of 'why is he still contacting me' and 'what i should do' would be great
Outofluck Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 My opinion is that if after three years, the two of you simply want to keep tabs on each other...at least he wants to keep tabs on you...(his motivation)..and wants to ensure that you continue pining for him for the rest of your life..until you die miserable and alone. Its a bizarre human instinct. Anyhow, my advice is simply to move on. Its infinitely easier said than done, I know, I've been through it...on his end and yours. I would suggest not making it known to him, just do it. Initially, you may feel guilty about not returning his calls, texts, emails etc.but it will pass. If he wants nothing to do with you, find someone who does. It doesn't sound to me like you are allowing yourself to fully get over the end of this relationship. Continuing down this path will only lead you to future disappointment and will deprive you of all of the benefits that life has to offer. Hope this advice is helpful.
Author elvish Posted June 16, 2007 Author Posted June 16, 2007 Yes, it is helpful, thanks. It's something that i think i know what i have to do, but i have just struggled doing it. And i feel like such a, erh, fool for letting it go on for so long. Where on earth did me backbone go?? It's like i can see it from the outside (and i tell myself 'RUN, RUN') but i feel it from the inside (and i play little love songs in my head etc etc) And i'll be decades older, saying to myself, 'Maybe one day...'. I know what to do, and i suppose i'll feel stronger once i've done it. Sort of like kicking an addiction
Outofluck Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 Yes, it is very much an addiction. I am going through a similar situation right now and even though there is no contact between us, I find myself doing things which remind me of her. That being said, I know it is easier to give advice than to follow it. On one hand, I am envious of those who have contact with those who they once shared their life with..at least they have a chance at reconcilitation. On the other hand, sometimes I think that I am glad that it was a clean cut break and we don't work together or have any common friends, I am fortunate...
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