New relationship, old heartache

[aya]

I posted one message in the end of last year. It is titled "confused confused confused". Basically, I & my ex-boyfriend broke up around Christmas time, because he said he needs a "break". He said it is "moratorium break-up" as he does not want to shut the door completely. He said he still wants to see me after we break up, and wants me to understand that he really likes me and upset with the fact that we are breaking up. But a few days later, I found 100s of topless pictures in my digital camera, which he has taken during his trip to Thailand. When I pointed out, he said it is my dillusion and I've gone crazy. He never apologized about it, but in the end I found myself apologizing him instead as he said I have no right in blaming him because we've been broken up. And he was commitment phobic and treated me very badly very often, although we had some good times.

 

He wanted to contact me once in a while, and we decided to see "how we'll feel" after we break up.

 

I suggested him not to write or call each other until March, till things gets cooled down. But I was almost convinced that I can't take it anymore.

 

But then I met this new guy at the new year's party. So far he looks like he is very nice guy, and we went out several times. He said he likes me and willing to wait until I get ready. First I wasn't ready at all, but I started realizing that I started liking this guy.

 

Now my question is... Should I tell my ex-boyfriend about this? I haven't even kissed with this new guy, but I think it can happen anytime now. I don't want to tell my ex because I am afraid that my ex hurts me back (as he usually does when his pride gets hurt) terribly, and I am not really sure whether I should. But at the same time, if my ex thinks we are "moratorium" as he put it, then I feel like I have to tell him what is going on.

 

And also, as I get closer to this new guy, I become more upset with my ex-boyfriend. Whenever things get better with the new guy, I miss my ex so strongly. I have no idea what is going on in my mind. I even cry thinking about my ex when things are going perfetly good with the new guy.

 

Please let me know how you think. I got very valuable comment last time and I would like to know how you think about it. I especially am curious to know how Tony and Midori would say.

 

Thanks!

[Tony T]

A "moratorium breakup" is a lot of crap. People don't break up with those they care about. And guys don't use their moratorium ex girlfriends' cameras to shoot hundreds of other girls' boobies.

 

Get over your worthless ex. He's a dork. The two of you are broken up and it should stay that way. He broke up with you because he wasn't ready to settle down. If you doubt this, just remember all those pictures that showed up in YOUR camera.

 

Why should you wait around while this loser spans the globe looking for chicks and perhaps ultimately finds somebody else along the way?

 

Concentrate on your new guy with a goal of finding someone who loves you enough he will treat you nicely, with respect, and won't require moratorium breakups from you!!!

[midori]

You don't owe your ex-boyfriend anything. Certainly not the opportunity to muck things up with the nice new guy by responding hurtfully.

 

But I wonder if maybe you're wondering if the news of your new romance will spur your ex to realize that he really does love you and doesn't want to lose you. You might succeed in getting his attention ... but he won't come through for you in the long run. You know that he's dating other women during this "moratorium." He has no consideration for you. He's selfish, dishonest, manipulative, and sleazy. Not someone you want to be with.

 

Forget March, forget the ex. Focus on the new guy. And if, when March comes rolling around, you hear from your ex, you can rest assured it will be because he hasn't found a new girlfriend yet. Not for lack of trying, I'm sure. Don't kid yourself: you know he's seeing other women now. This is the guy who took dozens of photos of other women with YOUR camera. I wouldn't be surprised if he's met someone else, and wants some time to pursue the new relationship before ending things once and for all with you.

 

And if you do hear from him you can say, "I don't know how it happened, but I unexpectedly met someone during our break, and well, things just blossomed between us. Beyond my control really. But I'm staying with the new relationship, sorry." I promise you, that's the line your ex will use on you if he starts a relationship with one of the women he's dating now.

 

Don't call him. Forget him.

[aya]

Dear Midori and Tony:

 

Thank you very much. Although I have never met you, I really value what you told me.

 

I think I am going to write my ex-boygriend a letter, not E-mail or phone. I just want to start a new relationship with clean-slate. I will write my ex that I really appreciate good times, and I hope we can be friends at some future.

 

I think I can be happy with this new guy. I can see why he is wonderful, because of the things that I experienced with this ex-boyfriend.

[aya]

I have been in the relationship with this new guy for about a month now, and things are just going great. He treats me very nicely, he is very nice guy. He knows how to have healthy and peaceful discussion about things we disagree, and unlike any of my past relationships, we have had no fight so far. I am amazed how he loves me all the time.

 

But... what the hell is wrong with me, sometimes I feel like my ex was better, in terms of smartness and in bed. My ex was naturally very smart guy, genius type. He was also very good in bed, and we had great sex together. He is also 8 years younger than my current boyfriend.

 

This new guy is also smart, but rather he works very hard. His family was against education system in general (socialist), so he studied really hard to give himself education, and he is successful. He is very gentle, but what we think is good sex is very different (he was married before)... but he said he'll work on our differences.

 

I saw in "Sex and the City" that, although Carey's boyfriend (Aidan) is perfect, Carey still thinks something is wrong and still misses her exboyfriend (Big). And she said, "Aidan is behaving exactly in the way I hoped Big would behave, and I am behaving exactly like Big". This really sounds like my situation right now.

 

I know exactly what I should be doing -- concentrate on this new guy. But I would like to know why I am reacting to this perfect situation in this weired way. I am a little disturbed.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Tony T]

It's very wrong to compare one relationship with another. You will never win doing that although the temptation is always there.

 

If your current guy is not providing a fulfilling partnership with you, terminate with him immediately and continue your search. It simply isn't fair to compair him in any way with others. He is unique in his own way.

 

If you score sex as an Olympic sport and the pleasure for you outweighs the love that it's supposed to express, then you must find someone who is superior in bed. Don't feel bad about seeking that. It's your life and your business. Surely you can find a very intelligent man who is great in bed and who has all the other great qualities you admire...and who loves you with all his heart, etc. etc.

 

Go for it!!! Peace out!!!

[aya]

I really don't want to do it. Sex isn't that important to me, and I am happier than any relationship I have ever been in my entire life.

 

So I really want to stop thinking or feeling that "my ex was better in bed," "he was younger", "he was smarter". This feeling kills me. I never say that to him, but I really feel bad in feeling in this way to him.

 

So what would you suggest...?

[Tony T]

I suggest you get better control of your mind. If you're truly happy with your current guy, simply STOP making the comparisons.

 

If this continues, you may have to just give your mind time to wind down. You may just have to accept this for a while. Obsessional thoughts are a neurosis of unknown origin that only the best of counsellors can get to the root of. Just go with the flow. If you have the will to stop this crap, then you can.

 

We are not here to control your mind. You are the only one who can do that.

 

Everytime to start to make such comparisons, imagine a giant "STOP" sign. That sign is your cue to STOP the crazy thinking.

 

The only way you can enjoy the present is to live in the present. Forget the past.

 

It's really hard for me to believe you are so happy with your current guy when you are talking up your ex so much....how smart her was...how great in bed, etc.

 

Whatever you do, be honest with yourself. If you are actually very happy with your current guy, you should have absolutely no trouble putting an end to these comparisons. There is nothing to be gained whatsoever.

[Ally Boo]

Is this your first relationship since your ex? It sounds kinda like how I was before I broke up with my last boyfriend. Maybe you should just lay low a while. After reading this post, the word rebound has surfaced my mind.