Will I ever find someone that has his good traits ever again...?

[Kei Morioka]

I’m 16 and entering my junior year of high school this fall. I’ve been with the guy that I’m currently with now since the mid-July before my freshman year. So him and I have been together for awhile considering our ages (he turned 18 this past spring). I guess I’ll start with some background. When my boyfriend first expressed interest in me, I liked him a lot. He was sweet, caring, affectionate, emotional, open, and non-judgmental. My family liked him as well because he was always very polite. His only flaws were lack of education (he was in a below-par home-schooling program at the time and had been for awhile), he didn’t have a license or car, and he was without a job. But I figured that those things didn’t matter because he was sweet and intelligent and that things would change eventually. So we went steady for awhile. He bought me little things at random, came over and hung out, and generally just made me feel really special and important… …until around 8 months ago. Suddenly he began to act really stressed out. He said that all of the fighting with his family was beginning to affect him. He became really snappy and noises began to affect him horribly (a neighbor’s radio at a barely noticeable volume to most people causes him to become highly irritated to the point where he doesn’t want to do anything). His being so easily irritated has caused us to have a lot more fights because of him being irritated over minor things I do, and his trait of being emotional has turned into one of being overly-sensitive to the point where he feels rejected if I tell him I need to let him go when talking to him on the phone (using minutes up, need to eat dinner, parent’s telling me I need to get off the phone, need to go to bed on a school night, etc). He’ll hang up and maybe even turn his cell phone off over minor arguments and has even threatened to break up with me when I told him I needed to let him go and I’d talk to him later because he felt that I always have some excuse for never wanting to talk to him. He wants to talk multiple times a day, however, usually for hours at a time…and usually about the same kinds of stuff. It’s become a chore to talk to him over the phone. He’s also become very accusing lately. He constantly accuses me of looking at porn, or wanting to look at it (did in the very beginning of our relationship, gave it up completely for him). He also accuses me of cheating on him, and gets pissy if he even thinks I’m looking at another guy when I’m with him. It’s gotten to where I’m scared to let my eyes wander in public because I feel like he’ll think I’m trying to check out another guy. I’d like to state that I’ve never cheated on him, nor have I ever thought of cheating on him. I’ve told him this repeatedly. He’s become cruel as well. He’s said “f*** you” to me more times than I can count, and has called me stupid, dumbass, smartass, whore, and slut with complete seriousness multiple times on multiple occasions as well. He’s told me that I’m a piece of trash, and once stated that he’d like to slap me across the face. When an argument over whether or not gay people should be allowed to live got out of hand, he threw a TV remote at my head (and missed) and attempted to throw me out of his (mom’s) house. He later expressed regret over what happened, but nothing has changed. Recently, he went through my cell phone contacts and deleted the numbers of my male friends off the list. He manipulated me into promising that I wouldn’t add the numbers back. I added them back anyways after some thought, and when he went through my phone contacts again he was furious to discover that I had added back the number of an especially close online friend who lives in Pennsylvania, a friend he had told me not to talk to ever again. He accused me of being a cheater and a liar and told me that he was leaving me. Now I’m supposed to be going on a family vacation with my grandma and younger brother late this July. We’ll be traveling through the Pennsylvania area where said online friend lives. The only reason my boyfriend didn’t break up with me is because he told me that he’d stay with me only if I didn’t go on my family vacation. He told me that if I went on it, that he’d think I was meeting up with my online friend and that he’d always wonder if I cheated on him since he doesn’t feel like he can trust me after finding my online friend’s number in my phone again, so he’d have to break up with me. Obviously, I can’t not go on this trip, so I’m going to really have to leave him. He’s caused strains between himself and I as well as with my family, since he has yet to get a job or a license, and has not made any plans to get an education of any sorts. He’s also been rude to them during times when him and I have been arguing. I love him still…so it’s difficult, because for all his flaws, I’m scared that he has good qualities that I’ll never find in another guy…at least not one around my age. From what his family has told me, he is very much against cheating of any sorts, and would never cheat on me at all. Several incidents have confirmed this. This is something that seems to be extremely hard to find, and it’s something really important to me. At this point, I don’t even know for sure if there are guys anymore who don’t cheat, because it seems like they all do eventually. He’s also a big health nut, so he doesn’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. My parents are messed up in regards to that sort of stuff, so it’s also important that the person I’m with doesn’t abuse their body in such a way. Once again however, it seems that it’s impossible to find people now who aren’t involved with that stuff. I also like his views on religion, which I agree with and think are very unique, and I can’t imagine finding anyone else with such views. He’s also extremely talented in martial arts (we met through taekwondo classes, which we both still attend) and has taught me so much that the instructors there are not capable of teaching me. I really, really don’t want to lose this, as I want to continue to become better. The scary thing is that he’s told me from the beginning that if we break up, he wants nothing to do with me after that point because if something so serious ended up not working out, then he wouldn’t want to be around the person who caused such pain. This is especially hard for me…considering all we’ve been through, and considering that he’s my first serious relationship…and that I lost my virginity to him. I know that was long, but if anyone has any advice at all…comments, experiences, anything…it’d help me so much right now.

[Butterflying]

At your age, you definately have enough time to find another man. You WILL find someone better than him. If you date enough men, you will learn that there are some men who are worse than him. But his traits aren't really as good as you think they are.

 

Right now, you're heartbroken. Everything about love seems hopeless. There really ins't a cure for a broken heart. But over time, you learn to adjust and move past that feeling. The sooner you realize that he wasn't really "all that," and there are better men out here than him, then you will began to heal.

[MarinaAquamarina]

he’s my first serious relationship.

 

Honey, you're right. He's your FIRST serious relationship. There will be many more! I know how it feels...my boyfriend and I have just split up; the pain is awful. But we can get over it! Trust me. We'll do it together!