whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Anyone experience this? Go out of your way to help a friend (and the situation is, you really have no choice in the matter) and then they don't show much appreciation? They aren't willing to put themselves out at all for you? Like you're some kind of inconvience? Ever help a friend in need, point them in the right direction, set them up with help, whether it be talking to another person, a therapist etc., then they turn around and disappear basically, leaving you feeling like WTF, 'I went out of my way and I don't even get a THANKS?' Ever go out of your way for a family member, do all sorts of things to help out, with kids, shopping, whatever it is, and then when you need help, you're told "Sorry, we're too busy"?? I dunno, maybe I'm wrong here and I should just be thankful that I did good and helped out, even if I get sweet f.uck all back.
Pyro Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Anyone experience this? Go out of your way to help a friend (and the situation is, you really have no choice in the matter) and then they don't show much appreciation? They aren't willing to put themselves out at all for you? Like you're some kind of inconvience? Ever help a friend in need, point them in the right direction, set them up with help, whether it be talking to another person, a therapist etc., then they turn around and disappear basically, leaving you feeling like WTF, 'I went out of my way and I don't even get a THANKS?' Ever go out of your way for a family member, do all sorts of things to help out, with kids, shopping, whatever it is, and then when you need help, you're told "Sorry, we're too busy"?? I dunno, maybe I'm wrong here and I should just be thankful that I did good and helped out, even if I get sweet f.uck all back. Not so much the family, but definitely lots of different friends in the past. Coincidentally, I really don't talk to any of them that often anymore........I wonder why.........hmmmmmmm. All that I wanted was for them to at least show me in some way that what I did was appreciated, but no they couldn't even do that.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 I used to never say no to another person. As a stay at home mom my phone started ringing at 7 am when my kids were young. Johnny's sick, can you keep him, can't you drive 20 miles to fee my cat twice a day, I have a dinner party can you make your spinach madeline for me, ect... At the time it was done with a happy heart but eventually it wore old and was expected. I finally learned to say NO to everyone. I did still offer my help when I was inclined but I got to where I resented being asked. That said, most of these people would have done the same for me but I only asked for help in a dire emergency. I finally realized though that I was hurting myself, as I did get great enjoyment out of helping my friends and family, its how I love them. So now I'm at a great happy medium, I know how to say no when I don't care to do something, but I still offer and do the things that I will enjoy for the people in my life that I know give back to me. I have tried to weed the "takers" out of my immediate group of close friends. If I can't do it with a happy heart, the answer is always NO!
Author whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2007 Author Posted June 15, 2007 All I'm asking is for them to show me some appreciation, is that alot to ask? Personally, I think so....And it pisses me off like you wouldn't believe! Maybe I'm the retarded one who never learns her lesson! My husband says that I shouldn't have to change who I am, the giver and that I shouldn't have to 'hear' the thanks, that I should 'see' the differences that I've made, that should be enough. Great, maybe for him that's how it works, but not for me. And, to top it off, I can't get hold of my bestfriend as she's in the middle of a big move and has NO phone, no internet access for atleast a week! (She lives outside of Canada.)
Author whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2007 Author Posted June 15, 2007 I used to never say no to another person. As a stay at home mom my phone started ringing at 7 am when my kids were young. Johnny's sick, can you keep him, can't you drive 20 miles to fee my cat twice a day, I have a dinner party can you make your spinach madeline for me, ect... At the time it was done with a happy heart but eventually it wore old and was expected. I finally learned to say NO to everyone. I did still offer my help when I was inclined but I got to where I resented being asked. That said, most of these people would have done the same for me but I only asked for help in a dire emergency. I finally realized though that I was hurting myself, as I did get great enjoyment out of helping my friends and family, its how I love them. So now I'm at a great happy medium, I know how to say no when I don't care to do something, but I still offer and do the things that I will enjoy for the people in my life that I know give back to me. I have tried to weed the "takers" out of my immediate group of close friends. If I can't do it with a happy heart, the answer is always NO! Yeah, that's me to a T! In the past I have said no, and guess what? My mom called me SELFISH! WTF. It's almost comical actually..... I've let myself slip back abit and I need to start putting myself first instead of dead last. I'm suffering because of it. Dammit, maybe I need to go back to therapy. My anxiety at times has been acting up again and I'm having trouble opening up and sharing...(This thread is just helping me realize how much crap I've been bottling up for the past 3 months or so.) I need to start journaling again and getting crap out of my head and heart so I feel better. Watch it everyone, I think I'm exploding! (She's gonna blow!!!!!!) ...But it's a good thing as this has been coming for quite a while.....
PandorasBox Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 I have had this happen, with one particular friend. It did not matter what I did or said for her, she never seemed to appreicate anything I had done for her. I think the sad thing is, that I did for it as long as I did, and don't even really know why. Maybe its becasue I'm a giver and felt bad or something. I eventually stopped doing for her. I kind of gradually backed off instead of just stopping completley at one time, until we no longer really had a friendship. Whats even more sad, once we kind of stopped being friends because I felt I wasn't appreciated, she goes around spreading lies about how I wasn't a good friend. Go figure.
Tony T Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 All I'm asking is for them to show me some appreciation, is that alot to ask? Personally, I think so....And it pisses me off like you wouldn't believe! Maybe I'm the retarded one who never learns her lesson! My husband says that I shouldn't have to change who I am, the giver and that I shouldn't have to 'hear' the thanks, that I should 'see' the differences that I've made, that should be enough. Great, maybe for him that's how it works, but not for me. And, to top it off, I can't get hold of my bestfriend as she's in the middle of a big move and has NO phone, no internet access for atleast a week! (She lives outside of Canada.) As long as you live on the planet, you will find that most people EXPECT your goodness, think they are ENTITLED to it and therefore are relatively unappreciative. Most people don't say thank you so when I do something nice for them, I say aloud..."Thank Me, I'm Welcome." There are a LOT of very rude, inconsiderate, selfish, self-centered people around now. They tend to be attracted to very nice, generous people like you. No, they don't appreciate anything. They lead very sorry lives and they die not knowing why they are unhappy. I don't know the answer to this problem because givers get a great deal of pleasure out of doing things for others. At the same time, they feel it would be nice to have their deeds acknowledged and appreciated...nothing wrong with that. But it doesn't happen very often. When I was little, I was taught to say Thank You. I don't think parents teach that now. All kids learn to say is I Want...I want...I want. If you happen to be unfortunate to come upon a narcissistic person to do things for, you will have the worst experience of your life. Not only do they not appreciate anything, but they will suck you in and absolutely insist that their life depends on you continuing to do more and more for them. There are books on how to say NO and being assertive. You should never care if somebody doesn't like you because you didn't do something for them. Piss on them! The real kicker is, as you and others have stated above, once they have sucked you absolutely dry they are gone and you don't hear from them again...and they could care less if you're dead or live. They are the vermin of humanity.
JackJack Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 As long as you live on the planet, you will find that most people EXPECT your goodness, think they are ENTITLED to it and therefore are relatively unappreciative. Most people don't say thank you so when I do something nice for them, I say aloud..."Thank Me, I'm Welcome." There are a LOT of very rude, inconsiderate, selfish, self-centered people around now. They tend to be attracted to very nice, generous people like you. No, they don't appreciate anything. They lead very sorry lives and they die not knowing why they are unhappy. I don't know the answer to this problem because givers get a great deal of pleasure out of doing things for others. At the same time, they feel it would be nice to have their deeds acknowledged and appreciated...nothing wrong with that. But it doesn't happen very often. When I was little, I was taught to say Thank You. I don't think parents teach that now. All kids learn to say is I Want...I want...I want. If you happen to be unfortunate to come upon a narcissistic person to do things for, you will have the worst experience of your life. Not only do they not appreciate anything, but they will suck you in and absolutely insist that their life depends on you continuing to do more and more for them. There are books on how to say NO and being assertive. You should never care if somebody doesn't like you because you didn't do something for them. Piss on them! The real kicker is, as you and others have stated above, once they have sucked you absolutely dry they are gone and you don't hear from them again...and they could care less if you're dead or live. They are the vermin of humanity. AMEN! :D
Touche Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Yep, a lot of users around. And I don't agree with your H WWIU. Why should be someone's doormat? What's so difficult about saying a simple "thank you" or even GASP writing a thank you note? And I wanted to touch on something Tony said. About kids these days. Wow, so true. This very topic just came up between my H and I because my son has a friend that I don't want coming over here anymore. The boy has NO manners whatsoever. Never a thank you...ever. And he calls me "dude!" Can you believe that one? Not Mrs. T but "dude." Wow. Anyway, H and I didn't agree. I said I don't want that kind of influence around our son. And my H feels sorry for the boy..no dad in the picture, loser of a mom. My H has the "it takes a village" mentality. And that's really sweet and all but my son has to come first. And while I still have control and influence over him (before the teen years hit) I'm going to exercise that control. All of my son's friend's parents always go on and on about his manners. It makes me feel good..like we're doing our job but it also kind of surprises me. I mean we've just taught him the basics of being polite when you're the guest. Things really HAVE changed. It's sad. People go out now dressed like slobs. It's disgusting. Remember when people used to dress to go to the movies or fly on an airplane? Things are so different now...and not for the better. SAY NO, WWIU. They're just users. They don't really care about you. So why should you care if you hurt their feelings by saying no?
Author whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2007 Author Posted June 16, 2007 Yep, a lot of users around. And I don't agree with your H WWIU. Why should be someone's doormat? What's so difficult about saying a simple "thank you" or even GASP writing a thank you note? It's more than that and I didn't explain what he told me properly...Anyway I'm too tired to think about it and type it in a better way, I worded what he said wrong. Tomorrow I'll clear it up. Thanks for all the replies, I'll answer each of you tomorrow or at some point over the weekend.
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