The Wife hates going out with others....

[georgejungle]

I posted once before on this. But it gets frustrating

even though I feel that i'm doing the right thing. So

i'm asking for another "reality check" from anyone out

there.

 

Wife basically is on the shy/quiet side at work and doesn't

really enjoy situations where she doesn't know anyone

because she gets uncomfortable, shy, nervous, etc. But

around me, she's fun, silly, will laugh out loud, dance, etc.

I enjoy her so much, we're such good friends AND partners.

And I love spending all my free time with her, but sometimes

i like to go out with nice friends and I always want to include

her, but we always have to go thru the usual pep talk so she won't

feel scared, nervous, etc. It's ALWAYS an issue. She's shy,

bottom line. And she worries about being "un-cool'' to my

friends or even my mother. She worries that she'll have nothing

to say, etc. She has a lot of self-esteem issues, she's really

sensitive, yet I know SHE knows that she's pretty, a good person,

cares, likes to do nice things for people, etc.

 

Anyway, I want to be able to bring her along to things,

without always having to talk her into it or having to beg

her or syke her up, etc. I don't care that she only likes being

around me, but I know she's a fun exciting person and

my friends are all nice, we could all have a good time. But

she's just sooooo scared. Also, at times, it seems unhealthy,

i don't ever want her to resent (by her own fault) being alone

if I go out to dinner with a friend and leave her at home.

In that situation, i'd always invite her to come along, but

as i've said, she'd refuse and just say she wouldn't feel

comfortable.

 

I never pressure her into anything. I never make her feel bad

for being the way that she is. But i do get frustrated in my

own mind and try to explain that I love her and believe in

her and try to soothe her nervousness. But usually, it's

to no avail.

 

How can I help her feel more comfortable???

[whichwayisup]

She can't rely on you for all her social fun, that's too much pressure on you and isn't fair to you. Also, I believe in a marriage each person needs to have their own space, time to do things without their spouse.

 

She's insecure, maybe has some hangups, anxiety, whatever, but those are her issues, not yours. You can help her but she has to want to help herself.

 

Gently suggest to her (atleast reading up on it) cognitive behaviour therapy. Maybe if she is comfortable enough she'll go speak to a therapist to help her come out of her shell and not be so shy and reliant on you. She can't put all her eggs in one basket because she suffers for it! And, in turn, it affects you.

[LoveLace]

Gosh George, sounds like you've done good already, by telling her you love and believe in her, I don't know how else you could encourage her. But confidence also has to come from within.

 

What if you plan a get-together with friends, but talk to a couple of them in advance, and hopefully your close enough to at least one of them to explain what's going on. Ask them to compliment her when they see her (don't over do it) on anything from her outfit to her hair, shoes, something. Tell one of them to offer to get her something to drink. Tell someone to randomly ask her questions and get her to talk about herself. You know her potential, so perhaps it needs to forced out of her....which sounds almost wrong, but I think if it's done right and discreetly, she could gradually get more comfortable in situations with your friends. As far as your mother, maybe she would be willing to do the same and compliment her, etc.

 

I'm very outgoing and so are my friends. I had a boyfriend once that was so shy...he wouldn't even make an effort to talk to my friends...it made ME very uncomfortable, almost embarrassed to be there with him. He just sat there and smiled like an idiot. He tried to explain once, he just didn't know them, but I thought geez, that's your job to get to know them! I couldn't take it, that was when I realized a shy guy is all wrong for me. But I think your situation has potential to be saved...apparently she needs plenty of room to warm-up. If the above doesn't make her budge, maybe she's this way for a reason. Maybe say your just concerned and she should maybe talk to someone...maybe there's something she needs to talk about that is the source of her anti-social behavior. It could be something she isn't even aware of and would have dig deep for...I'm no psychologist...just brainstorming here...good luck to you.

[georgejungle]

I had a boyfriend once that was so shy...he wouldn't even make an effort to talk to my friends...it made ME very uncomfortable...

 

This is Exactly her...Sometimes it seems like she doesn't want

to change either or make an effort to talk, Sometime she does

but other times, she says nothing and it looks like she's just

having the worst time. She'd rather just stay home and mope in

a way but encourage me to go have fun without her. I've taken

her out before and she'll just sit there and say nothing. It's

uncomfortable. But then other friends I have that she IS comfortable

with, that have been way cool to her, she's talkative with them

and isn't nervous at all.

 

We have a GREAT relationship overall, except when it comes to

being around other people or other couples, new people. She hates having to

talk about herself because she thinks she's boring. Ugh. But

i always support her and nurture her, just like our wedding

vows were written. I don't want to give up on her, i know

she has SO much potential to be a strong person and have

fun around others. It's just hard to get her to see it that

way.

[quankanne]

maybe the thing is to just concentrate on socializing with people she feels comfortable around when she is up to hanging out with a crowd, and introduce a new face or two each time to keep it non-threatening, and not focus so much on the fact that she doesn't want to go out every time you do. Because that only puts more pressure on her to "perform" when she's not ready; just encourage her to let you know when she wants to join y'all, and don't fret the rest.

 

your best intentions can easily be misconstrued, you know?

[georgejungle]

puts more pressure on her to "perform" when she's not ready; just encourage her to let you know when she wants to join y'all, and don't fret the rest.

 

 

good advice. Thanks to all for your advice, it's much

appreciated. I only want to be sensitive to her needs

and have patience. I know what it's like, i'm shy at times

and i was super-quiet when i was in High School. So

i've been there.

[VirtualInsanity]

Oh boy! I'm a mirror image of her.

 

I don't know her reasons but here are mine if I did that:

1. Don't like them
   
2. Introvert and don't need anymore friends/comfortable
   
3. Uncomfortable for whatever reason (fit in, etc...)
   
4. Just don't want to go

[katiebour]

I was pretty shy with my boyfriend's friends at first, and I still feel uncomfortable around his giant clan of a family (40+ people at a family get-together is common!) A few comments:

 

1. Do you spend a lot of time doing the "I remember when..." thing? If many of your get-togethers involve reminiscing about old friends and times, this can be awkward/boring for someone who wasn't there and doesn't know the parties involved.

 

2. How many friends are you getting together with at once? Large numbers can be overwhelming. Try getting to know one other couple well, so that when you have a larger party, she has someone other than you that she can comfortably talk to.

 

3. What does she like to do? My b/f's family loves to sit around and watch TV- which is absolutely boring to me. I start to get itchy to get up, move around, read a book, do SOMETHING! If your shindig involves loud music and dancing, and she's not really that type, then maybe you should go by yourself, and plan something with a few friends that's more up her alley. Does she like board games or card games? Having a game night with snacks and a few friends can be a great way to bring a shy person out of their shell (bring out their inner competitor! Rahr!)

 

4. Be honest here- does she like your friends? If she doesn't like them, the prospect of spending several hours with them can be really awful. Have an honest talk and see if she has some hang-ups about your friends. At least you'd know why she doesn't want to go out.

 

5. Consider the length of time- the time you want to spend with your friends is probably more time than she wants to spend. Don't trap her somewhere for 5+ hours- set a comfortable limit with her AND your friends beforehand. Saying "we'll be stopping by for a few hours, but after that, we've got some errands to run" is a good way to make sure she's not feeling stuck.

 

Just a few things to consider- communication is always key. Talk about these things with your g/f, and if she really doesn't want to go, let her stay home.

[georgejungle]

Thanks for the advice katie..

 

Her main issues always seems to be that

1.) She doesn't know them and would feel uncomfy or

2.) She does know who they are, but feels Jerry

(for instance) is way cool and she's not, so she wouldn't

know what to say.

 

She runs into that rut a lot, avoiding going

out with even her own friends or old pals from

High School, because i think she thinks they

all have interesting jobs or Graduated College

and she hates her boring Job and didn't finish

school. I think, she feels like a loser, which she

is clearly not. But she's intimidated to try anything

i think. She'll find an excuse for everything in her mind:

Going to school? Too Expensive

Finding a cooler more interesting job? She's not qualified

for anything, since she ditched college, or so she thinks.

 

Anyway, We have tons of fun and we have lots of

plans for a family someday, but I just want her to

feel good about herself inside to go out and try

new things and feel comfortable around others. I know

she's wayyyyy smart and talented. She just lacks

confidence, even though I encourage her so much.

She has good days and bad days. Sitting her down

and having talks with her Does Not Work.

[corazoncito]

Unlike for the previous posters, it sounds like your wife and I have a lot in common! You could be my BF talking about me. It hasn't been a point of major contention, but earlier in our relationship he had a hard time adjusting to my personality. He thought I was bored or uninterested in his friends. Later he realized I just feel really awkward around people I don't know, especially if they are all people who know each other very well and for a long time. I think you've gotten some good advice in the other posts. If you together can figure out what social situations your wife feels best in, maybe you can try and focus on those.

 

For example, my BF at first introduced me to his friends by taking me to big parties with lots of noise and low light where everyone already knew each other and were doing the whole "remember when" thing. For me, that type of situation is hard. One problem is that it isn't always easy to break into those kinds of conversations (plus I can't hear anything when there's loud music). Also, I'm bad with names, and I'd be meeting 20+ people at a time. I stuck my foot in my mouth a few times when we'd come across some of these people later and I wouldn't remember that I had met them before (we'd been introduced but that's about it). To be fair, they thought that it was funny and weren't offended at all, but I got paranoid about forgetting names, relationships, seeming like an airhead, etc., and saying something embarrassing. We also had just moved to a new place where he had many friends and I didn't really know very many people at all. So I at first thought of all social situations as "me vs. the horde of his friends". Not very productive on my part, but honestly that's how it felt.

 

My BF wanted to know what he should do to help and I had to tell him the best thing he could do, in our case, was be patient and let me come out of my shell on my own. And I made a conscious effort to do that, even if it was difficult. It was hard for my BF to do "nothing", as he perceived it, but with time things have gotten much better. It helped that I have finally met most of the people he socializes with and had a chance to go out with them multiple times in small groups. Also, he's been really enthusiastic about organizing events on the smaller side that mix my friends with his, so that he can get know them too. And now that I feel much more comfortable with individuals, going to those bigger gatherings isn't so intimidating.

 

We've been successful because we chose to work together on this issue. Your wife will have to make an effort, but if you can be enthusiastic and supportive, it will help. And it's an ongoing process that won't change overnight.

 

One other thing, in my case, although this problem seemed obvious to my BF, it wasn't clear to me at all as a problem. I knew he was much more extroverted than I am, but I just assumed he could be outgoing and social and I could be more quiet. It had never occurred to him that as natural as it feels to him to be talkative and outgoing, it felt equally natural to me to be quieter and more an observer in social settings. Maybe we live in an extrovert's world, but us introverts have our perspective too and we're not necessarily "wrong". I really had to have my BF explain that, to him, this troubled him a little before it really sunk in for me and I was motivated to work on being more socially comfortable. But I think this is one "change" that has been good for me and I am glad for it.

[FLOOZY]

I dated a guy like that.. only he just stopped going anywhere, unless it was his friends.. I thought it was shyness for a long time.. didn't understand how he could be so out going with me and not others.. part of it was shyness.. part of it was control.. he wanted me to feel bad because I was out going and had more friends.. he admitted that to me later on..if he made a big deal out of going, I would ask him to do it less and less.. I was young and he also used guilt trips if he was not invited.. I don't know your situation, but that was mine..