Darth Vader Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 There's one more thing, it's not wise to try to threaten your former affair partner with telling his wife, after all he has a secret that's just as harsh to tell your husband!
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Her husband knows already. She told him. Or so I thought...
myblue_heaven Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 I'm not an OW or xOW but I think if she wants to work on her M, truly wants to, as well as her kids, then she needs to think of that whenever she looks at the xMM. If he looks at her dirty, she needs to really see him for the big baby he is. How juvenile he sounds! Wah! She's working on her M. Wah! She's not running after me like she's supposed to! Wah! I would look at the guy with annoyance. I would look at my forgiving husband with love and be grateful I am with him and my beautiful children that I've been blessed with. I would take full 100% advantage of my 2nd chance at happiness with my family. THAT in itself would make me able to look through this jerk, whiney sore loser XMM, accent on the "X". That's my best advice.
Onelife Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 FF, I hope you feel better now than 12 hours ago. I can understand how sometimes you would feel like you cannot take it anymore and have the urge to do something. But you don't want to do anything too quick and later regret it. So far you are doing the right thing that you don't let him see how you really feel about it and sticking to the NC. Right when you have to deal with each of his mean behaviour, I would suggest you to take a deep breath and try to take your mind off that situation. For me, I usually start counting from 1-10 or 1-100 and then jump on LS and read other people's posts. I find that takes away a huge amount of pressure which comes from the thought of wanting to act on something right away. After a while, I will see and feel things slightly clearer and better than when I was first upset. I will feel that I really am doing the right thing by moving on with my life. Just my two cents. Hope it might work for you. I also agree with WWIU that if your xMM is acting this way, it's a good thing that your kids detach from him anyway. I hope this hardship you are dealing with is like another step you take in order to move forward and further away for him. It may not look like you are gaining anything right now but you are and you are doing good at it. Just have to keep up with it.
Author forbidden fruit Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 I think my xmm feels that if he is mean or ignores me that I will get over him soon and then we can go back to being friends which is what he wanted. I think he is purposely trying to stay away from me so I will get over him sooner and not ask him to leave his marriage for me,but continue to have me in his life on his terms? Any thoughts, but if you knew my xmm you would think this manipulative , selfish, controlling behavior is right up his alley.
Onelife Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 I think you would know best what kind of person he really is. And if it's true that he is doing all this to help you to get over him sooner then it is not so bad then IMO.
Author forbidden fruit Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 I am thinking of breaking NC because I cannot take the tension between the two families. I cannot stand at least not being able to say hi with the person I am still so in love with it. When will all these feelings go away? It has been month of NC, however I know if I broke it we would be right back where we started from. My last words to him were I as going to work on my m and I know a month is not a realisitic time frame. I have followed everyones advice about doing other things, focusing on other things and all that. The fact of the matter is I still think about him everyday and I really miss being with him. He makes me laugh like no other and he makes me cry like no other. I am so confused and yet still so hurt and mad.
whichwayisup Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 No, don't do that. NC as much as possible is the only way. FF, you've tried to be friends with him, it doesn't and hasn't worked. If you really want your feelings to go away, you'll just stop and leave him alone. Don't look his way, don't try to figure out what goes through his head - Nothing. Focus that energy into YOU and your husband, your marriage, your kids. Honestly, I'm not really sure if you're ready to give him up, that is what your post is implying. Yes, you miss him. Yes, you miss how he made you feel. BUT, you two are not going to be together. He isn't leaving his wife, you're not leaving your husband. So, think about it! What is the point of continuing lusting after him, unless you want to fall back into an affair with him? Is that what you want? Because the longer you hang on like this and have those thoughts, the more chances of something happening again WILL happen. Then all that hard work you've done so far is out the window and down the toilet. Think of your husband's feelings here, and your kids. No, a month isn't realistic at all. It takes well over a year or more to work through things and even then with the help of counselling it isn't easy. I spoke to my bestfriend lastnight, she's had problems in her marriage for a while now - This time last year she was seriously considering a divorce. Fast forward to now - It's a 180 and things are 100x better than before. Seriously, plan a family holiday and GET OUT of City. Away from everything and everyone, especially the MM neighbour. You and your husband need to reconnect on EVERY level so you can forget about MM. If you can't do it, then you need to think about your other options because slipping backwards isn't a good thing and you know it. FF, also think about this. WHAT is it that you exactly miss about him and how much of it was 'real.' From what you've said about him, he isn't the man you've made him out to be in your head....
Author forbidden fruit Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 I hear what you are saying wwiu, and everything you said is true and right. However, I miss him and still want to talk to him. Not to start the A, but just because I miss talking to him. I don't know how to describe it, but I can't seem to forget about him. I have been doing all the things you mentioned, but I can't stand the the tension between us. I wish i didn't care, but I still can't believe he can move on like the last two years have been no big deal. The worst part is I keep thinking when and who is the next person he is going to do this with and will I have to watch this whole thing. I know that sounds so pathetic and wrong, but it is where I am at now. I know you want the best , but your advice is just advice it is not going to change the way i feel. I have done what is best for me and my family which is NC, but it is the worst pain I have ever felt and I am not exaggerating. I keep hinking he is going to change his mind and call me to tell me he was wrong, but I know deep down that is not going to happen. He is not that kid of person. He thinks he is doing me favor, by not contacting me.....
whichwayisup Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Think of it this way, I'm sure he is hiding how he actually feels and that's why he's being the way he is. For his sake, his wife's sake and for your sake. Was there someone else he was close with before you came along? How do you know he will do this again? Just wondering... Ofcourse my advice isn't going to change how you feel. You need to work through this at your own pace, I just don't want to see you throw in the towel, that's all. You've worked really hard and as difficult as this has been on you, it eventually will get easier. It's okay to miss him and the friendship, just don't let it be the reason why you start talking to him again because you know 1)it won't be the same, ever, and 2)it will just prevent you from closing your heart off from him.
Darth Vader Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Her husband knows already. She told him. Or so I thought... Not about her and the OM having sex! Thought you knew!
Author forbidden fruit Posted June 30, 2007 Author Posted June 30, 2007 Not about her and the OM having sex! Thought you knew! I woukd appreciate it if you di not respond to my posts.
Darth Vader Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 I woukd appreciate it if you di not respond to my posts. Ok, I'm sorry. You don't want the truth to come out!
norajane Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 However, I miss him and still want to talk to him. About what??? You've already talked to him about ending the affair, about trying to be civil, about wanting to work on your marriage, and you threatened to tell his W about the affair - which you haven't even told your H the full truth about - if he didn't stay away from you. So now you're over-analyzing his every word, glance, and when he ignores you. He's not going to leave his wife, he's not interested in friendship, and you're allowing his behavior to get under your skin with all the attention you pay to his every move. So what kind of conversations do you really think you can have with him NOW? You can't go back and have a friendly, neighborly relationship with all this affair history between you. You can't go back and become confidantes again. He's not going to have the place in your life that he had which led you into the affair. So what are you wishing for? What do you really think can possibly be the best outcome here?
Author forbidden fruit Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 First off norajane he is interested in friendship it was me who said i have too mny feelings involves and that is why we could not be friends. He is the one that thinks we can go back to the way it was before the A and he says I am not strong enough to do that. I keep wishing he would be something he is not. He is so narcisstic and it is all about him and always was. I am just saying to him I can be civil, but I can't be your friend and it seems like he will manipulate and control any circumstance for that to happen. He wants me in his life he just does not want to do what it takes to really have me in his life because he is weak. A perfect example was today. Had a great day with my kids. Took them out all day to pool and when I come there is xmm in his yard. We look at each other and then he starts to come over and so i meet him halfway because I do not want him in my yard. The first thing that comes out of his mouth is my w thinks what we are doing is immature and she thinks we are acting like you do when you break up with someone. So I say we did-duh and then he tells me i am acting immature for not being civil and talking to him. Can you believe the nerve, so he says I will talk to you later I have to pick up daughter. I wanted to rip him a new one but I did not. The only consolation I got was to see him so nervous and squirmy around me. All of the old feelings of love and hate came flooding back. Can you believe he is saying his wife wants us to be civil, not him but her. I am so angry, but I think he said that because he knew that would push my button and then i would engage and I did not. Where should I go from here because I so want to rip into him. How could he say he is my best friend and he loves and then treats me the way he has the last month. It just does not add up. Why can't he say I miss you and I am sorry I have been such an ass but I needed to put some distance between us? Not very difficult, but obviously it is for him
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