Trying to be civil!!

[forbidden fruit]

My last conversation with mm was last week and since then we have not talked. He saw me finally moving on with my life and I have been doing good.

 

I only allow myself to think about him for a bit in the a.m. and then I will not think about the rest of the day. I have to say it has gotten easier. Our last conversation was last week and that I would be putting all my energy into my m since he offered nothing but friendship.

 

So I have putting all my energy into my H and kids. I have played with his kids and my kids and am trying to be civil. However for some reason he is being an a** to me and my kids. I think he wants me to react, but I refuse to engage.

 

Is this another game? I know i should not care, but I am so mad at myself for ever believing all his lies about me being his best friend and that he loves me.

 

I am not mad at him anymore just myself because he is finally revealing his true colors and boy is he immature and selfish. I guess it was always about him. I thought he wanted me to be neighbourly so why can't he do the same. What is he so mad about? It ended just as he wanted and I have walked away. Why can't he be adult and at least be civil?

[whichwayisup]

He can't be civil because he didn't get what he wanted. He isn't getting his ego fed by you and is acting immature about it! Instead of focussing on his own marriage, his wife and kids, he's being a jerk. So, screw it! Let him. Who cares! He's a big boy and honestly, I know you're venting here, but asking yourself all the "why this and why isn't he acting like that" is only fueling your own resentments and really serves no purpose.

 

FF, you gotta put this to rest, make peace with it, forgive yourself and forget about it. The steps you've taken so far are great, but I believe that if you forgive yourself, and not worry at all what he thinks/feels etc., you'll notice an ever bigger weight off your shoulders.

 

Also, start taking your kids OUT. Do family stuff without including his kids. You don't have to hangout all the time with them and I'm sure your kids have other friends they'd like to play with as well.

[forbidden fruit]

He can't be civil because he didn't get what he wanted. He isn't getting his ego fed by you and is acting immature about it! Instead of focussing on his own marriage, his wife and kids, he's being a jerk. So, screw it! Let him. Who cares! He's a big boy and honestly, I know you're venting here, but asking yourself all the "why this and why isn't he acting like that" is only fueling your own resentments and really serves no purpose.

 

FF, you gotta put this to rest, make peace with it, forgive yourself and forget about it. The steps you've taken so far are great, but I believe that if you forgive yourself, and not worry at all what he thinks/feels etc., you'll notice an ever bigger weight off your shoulders.

 

Also, start taking your kids OUT. Do family stuff without including his kids. You don't have to hangout all the time with them and I'm sure your kids have other friends they'd like to play with as well.

 

I don't play with his kids all the time this was the first time in a long time. I hve nothing against them and I really care about them. They should not be in the middle of this that is why I am being nice to them, but he is not being nice to my kids and they are wondering why?

 

I know it is going to take time I just can't believe how childish he is acting. Now all of our mutual friends are wondering what is going on between him and I where i can at least put on a act and be normal and god knows this has been a long road to get to this point!!

[bish]

I am not mad at him anymore just myself because he is finally revealing his true colors and boy is he immature and selfish.

 

 

Let me see if I understand this correctly. You slept with another woman's husband. You cheated on your husband and kids. Yet you are saying the other man is immature and selfish?

 

Now what does the pot say to the kettle?

[Ladyjane14]

However for some reason he is being an a** to me and my kids. I think he wants me to react, but I refuse to engage.

 

Is this another game? I know i should not care, but I am so mad at myself for ever believing all his lies about me being his best friend and that he loves me.

 

Drama is part of "the buzz". The hormonal/adrenal response isn't always just about good feelings... it can be about whatever produces adrenaline.

Keeping sh*t stirred up, keeping the "drama" going... is as good as getting a fix for a guy who's a dopamine junkie.

[Melissa277]

My last conversation with mm was last week and since then we have not talked. He saw me finally moving on with my life and I have been doing good.

 

I only allow myself to think about him for a bit in the a.m. and then I will not think about the rest of the day. I have to say it has gotten easier. Our last conversation was last week and that I would be putting all my energy into my m since he offered nothing but friendship.

 

So I have putting all my energy into my H and kids. I have played with his kids and my kids and am trying to be civil. However for some reason he is being an a** to me and my kids. I think he wants me to react, but I refuse to engage.

 

Is this another game? I know i should not care, but I am so mad at myself for ever believing all his lies about me being his best friend and that he loves me.

 

I am not mad at him anymore just myself because he is finally revealing his true colors and boy is he immature and selfish. I guess it was always about him. I thought he wanted me to be neighbourly so why can't he do the same. What is he so mad about? It ended just as he wanted and I have walked away. Why can't he be adult and at least be civil?

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but are you kidding me?

 

He's moved on and he knows you haven't so he's putting some distance between the two of you. What's so hard to understand about that? I mean what would you like him to do ... go to Bingo with you?

 

Quit worrying about whether he's your friend or not and work on your own M and take care of your children for God's sake. When you knowingly enter into a R with a MM, you take you chances ... and he calls all the shots. He controls the whole R and you follow like some lost puppy. If you don't believe that, read some of the other posts on this forum.

 

He's immature and selfish? You sound like your fourteen and some cute eighth grader broke up with you. Grow up. You have children and a H and THEY should be your top priority, not some guy you sleep with whenever it's convenient for him. My advice is to get over yourself and start putting some effort into your family.

[frygirl]

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but are you kidding me?

 

He's moved on and he knows you haven't so he's putting some distance between the two of you. What's so hard to understand about that? I mean what would you like him to do ... go to Bingo with you?

 

 

forgive me, but i don't think you either read her post thoroughly or perhaps you are not familiar to with her story. she has made huge steps to end her A with this man and focus on her marriage. this is not about her not moving on. i genuinely think she is just reacting to the frustration of still living next to this guy and having to deal with his immature behavior.

 

 

 

now that you are no longer mooning over him it's got to be an ego crush to and he's acting out.

 

Hang in there girl. Stay strong and don't let him get to you. You made the right choices and are on your way to be so much happier.

[Onelife]

My last conversation with mm was last week and since then we have not talked. He saw me finally moving on with my life and I have been doing good.

 

I only allow myself to think about him for a bit in the a.m. and then I will not think about the rest of the day. I have to say it has gotten easier. Our last conversation was last week and that I would be putting all my energy into my m since he offered nothing but friendship.

 

So I have putting all my energy into my H and kids. I have played with his kids and my kids and am trying to be civil. However for some reason he is being an a** to me and my kids. I think he wants me to react, but I refuse to engage.

 

Is this another game? I know i should not care, but I am so mad at myself for ever believing all his lies about me being his best friend and that he loves me.

 

I am not mad at him anymore just myself because he is finally revealing his true colors and boy is he immature and selfish. I guess it was always about him. I thought he wanted me to be neighbourly so why can't he do the same. What is he so mad about? It ended just as he wanted and I have walked away. Why can't he be adult and at least be civil?

 

You are doing the right thing by refusing to engage. He cannot take it very well seeing that you finally move one and he doesn't like losing. Yes it's a game and it's good you to see his true colour. The sooner, the better! It will make you feel better and better with your decision. Take this childish action if him into account and move on even faster because you don't really want to be with a man like this!

 

I agrre with whichwayisup:

"Also, start taking your kids OUT. Do family stuff without including his kids. You don't have to hangout all the time with them and I'm sure your kids have other friends they'd like to play with as well."Today 12:46 AM

 

Start doing things that will help to get you out of this vicious circle. One step at a time. I am not saying you try to hide or avoid him and his family. Be civil, do you own thing with your family and try not to worry about him too much. I know it's hard and you will always wonder about what he is thinking. But it's what you need to do to move on and away.

 

You go girl!

 

Big hug for you for doing the right thing.

[forbidden fruit]

You are doing the right thing by refusing to engage. He cannot take it very well seeing that you finally move one and he doesn't like losing. Yes it's a game and it's good you to see his true colour. The sooner, the better! It will make you feel better and better with your decision. Take this childish action if him into account and move on even faster because you don't really want to be with a man like this!

 

I agrre with whichwayisup:

"Also, start taking your kids OUT. Do family stuff without including his kids. You don't have to hangout all the time with them and I'm sure your kids have other friends they'd like to play with as well."Today 12:46 AM

 

Start doing things that will help to get you out of this vicious circle. One step at a time. I am not saying you try to hide or avoid him and his family. Be civil, do you own thing with your family and try not to worry about him too much. I know it's hard and you will always wonder about what he is thinking. But it's what you need to do to move on and away.

 

You go girl!

 

Big hug for you for doing the right thing.

Okay so i am fine as long as I do not have to see him and we were gone all day for father's day. However when we came home my H wanted to have a drink on the porch and there was xmm gardening. He did not look over and he looked mad.

 

My h asks me why he can't just be neighbourly. I think that is not alot to ask considering my H did not do anything wrong. My H is at least willing to be civil after everything that has happened. After our last talk my xmm said we do not have to be enemies and I agreed so why now is going back on his word. How hard is it to wave just to remain the status quo.

 

It has been me who has hardest time with letting go not the xmm so why now when I am okay with letting go is he being such an a**. I thought he wanted to be friends and if not friends I said let's just be civil. It is obvious that is not going to happen. Is his huge ego bruised because he can see I am having fun with my H or is he purposely not saying hi because he thinks I am crazy and I could tell his W everything which I did say if he ever came near me again. I guess after almost two years he is finally going to respect my NC or is he just scared?

[Onelife]

FF, keep on doing the good work. Working on your M and the R with your H while working on yourself in "moving on" process. Sounds like your H is an understanding man. He deserves the hard work to make the M works.

 

I can understand how you are having a hard time with it all (I myself am trying to move on too!) but you are making progress, just need to keep up with it. Let's do it together!

 

As for the xMM, only TIME will tell what his real intention is and only time wil ltell if you both can become civil/ or even be friends or best friends or not. If not, you can use this as a hard lesson learned and make sure the history will not repeat itself again.

 

Hang in there.

[PoshPrincess]

forgive me, but i don't think you either read her post thoroughly or perhaps you are not familiar to with her story. she has made huge steps to end her A with this man and focus on her marriage. this is not about her not moving on. i genuinely think she is just reacting to the frustration of still living next to this guy and having to deal with his immature behavior.

 

Well said, FryGirl!

 

Yes, ForbiddenFruit, your exMM is being extremely childish and immature because, no, he hasn't got his own way this time and YOU are the one who's in control which he clearly can't handle. Just do what you're doing, concentrate on your own life and move onwards and upwards.

 

You're doing redally well by sticking to your guns. Stay strong and keep up the good work! We're all here for you.

[forbidden fruit]

You are doing the right thing by refusing to engage. He cannot take it very well seeing that you finally move one and he doesn't like losing. Yes it's a game and it's good you to see his true colour. The sooner, the better! It will make you feel better and better with your decision. Take this childish action if him into account and move on even faster because you don't really want to be with a man like this!

 

I agrre with whichwayisup:

"Also, start taking your kids OUT. Do family stuff without including his kids. You don't have to hangout all the time with them and I'm sure your kids have other friends they'd like to play with as well."Today 12:46 AM

 

Start doing things that will help to get you out of this vicious circle. One step at a time. I am not saying you try to hide or avoid him and his family. Be civil, do you own thing with your family and try not to worry about him too much. I know it's hard and you will always wonder about what he is thinking. But it's what you need to do to move on and away.

 

You go girl!

 

Big hug for you for doing the right thing.

 

Thank you so much for your words of encouragment. Moving on, but i feel like my heart has not completely. Yesterday his son came over to play and when he came to the door to pick him up I could not look at him in the face and he said a commment to get a rise out of me, but i strictly would not engage and just made it about the kids.

 

I did not say two words to him and he is using his kid to push open the door. I stood very strong when he was in my house like he has been a thousand times, but this time was different because it was minus me-the friend, the ow and the confidante.

 

However when he left I was irritated, angry and sad, but I was not going to let him see it. I don't understand my feelings and maybe i am not ready to do this yet. Maybe civil is one thing, but having any contact with him is something I cannot handle yet, oh but he sure can!! Any thoughts?

[Onelife]

It is harder this way because you are in the same neighbourhood! But you can do it! You have started on this moving on process and you are doing good. There will be more ups and downs but you are making progress. Just have to stick with it.

((((((forbidden fruit)))))) Hang in there.

[forbidden fruit]

It is harder this way because you are in the same neighbourhood! But you can do it! You have started on this moving on process and you are doing good. There will be more ups and downs but you are making progress. Just have to stick with it.

((((((forbidden fruit)))))) Hang in there.

 

Thanks for the encouragment, but the fact of the matter is while I am still resolved to move on and continue NC I do miss him!!

[Onelife]

Thanks for the encouragment, but the fact of the matter is while I am still resolved to move on and continue NC I do miss him!!

 

Believe me FF, I do know how that feels. I am going through this painful moving on and NC too and I MISS HIM SO TERRIBLY!!!! It's a fact. There is no way around it. :lmao: What else can we do right?

[forbidden fruit]

Believe me FF, I do know how that feels. I am going through this painful moving on and NC too and I MISS HIM SO TERRIBLY!!!! It's a fact. There is no way around it. :lmao: What else can we do right?

 

I am so pissed and upset all at the same time. Yesterday we were at a school function and xmm was there. I was talking to some aquaintances and xmm knew them as well. We were having a conversation when xmm butts in and takes over the convo and starts talking about what he is doing this weekend and everything going on his life. I could not take it so I walked away.

 

Then I was suppossed to have plans today with some other mutual friends and he takes them out last night because he knew I was doing something with them today. It is impossible to get over this with him putting himself in my face. I was so upset by yesterday I took my kids away from our neighborhood for the whole afternoon.

 

Why is he so in my face and why does he want me to know what is going on his life albeit indrectly? I actually cried yesterday because I had to watch him talk to every mother in our class. Funny how he is always talking to women. Would love some support. I am still steadfast in NC, but not easy at all.....

[whichwayisup]

He's being a big goofball...You gotta not let this get to you!! And most importantly, do not EVER let him know all this stuff is bothering you. Act aloof and breezey - Like 'whatever' to him. If you show in ANY way that he annoys you, it will only make him do MORE.

 

And, who cares if he talks to others mom's? Has he done that before in the past when things were good? If so, then he's just being himself AND putting it on abit more for you, waiting for reaction. And hate to ask, but are you sure the night before those plans were already made? Just don't go looking for reasons...I know it's hard not to, but you gotta relax and not get so worked up over all that he does! Remember, who cares, right???

 

Good that you took the kids away. Hope you all had fun!

[Onelife]

He's being a big goofball...You gotta not let this get to you!! And most importantly, do not EVER let him know all this stuff is bothering you. Act aloof and breezey - Like 'whatever' to him. If you show in ANY way that he annoys you, it will only make him do MORE.

 

And, who cares if he talks to others mom's? Has he done that before in the past when things were good? If so, then he's just being himself AND putting it on abit more for you, waiting for reaction. And hate to ask, but are you sure the night before those plans were already made? Just don't go looking for reasons...I know it's hard not to, but you gotta relax and not get so worked up over all that he does! Remember, who cares, right???

 

Good that you took the kids away. Hope you all had fun!

 

100% Do not let him know that his behaviour is bothering you. I have a feeling that there will be more of this stuff to come but you gotto try and keep your cool. He needs to learn that it doesn't work that way. I know it's hard but sometimes we need to go through the problem the hard way in order to sort it out for good. Show him that you really are above that. He will respect you for not falling for that in the long run.

[Meaplus3]

I am so pissed and upset all at the same time. Yesterday we were at a school function and xmm was there. I was talking to some aquaintances and xmm knew them as well. We were having a conversation when xmm butts in and takes over the convo and starts talking about what he is doing this weekend and everything going on his life. I could not take it so I walked away.

 

Then I was suppossed to have plans today with some other mutual friends and he takes them out last night because he knew I was doing something with them today. It is impossible to get over this with him putting himself in my face. I was so upset by yesterday I took my kids away from our neighborhood for the whole afternoon.

 

Why is he so in my face and why does he want me to know what is going on his life albeit indrectly? I actually cried yesterday because I had to watch him talk to every mother in our class. Funny how he is always talking to women. Would love some support. I am still steadfast in NC, but not easy at all.....

 

 

FF, WOW! He is acting so childish how sad for him:( He's just trying to get a "Rise" out of you, don't let him! As for leaving the niegborhood for the day, good idea! You know I understand how difficult it is to live with the XMM right in your face, I am dealing with it everyday and it SUCK's! All You can so is stay away and stay strong or move!

 

AP:)

[forbidden fruit]

100% Do not let him know that his behaviour is bothering you. I have a feeling that there will be more of this stuff to come but you gotto try and keep your cool. He needs to learn that it doesn't work that way. I know it's hard but sometimes we need to go through the problem the hard way in order to sort it out for good. Show him that you really are above that. He will respect you for not falling for that in the long run.

 

My xmm is just being mean and it so hurtful. I know i am not suppossed to not care, but I still do. I have good days and bad days. Yesterday, I had a good day and then i came home and he was in his front yard and he gave me a look of hatred and then went inside. I immediately went inside and cried. What is this all about? I am still being a friend to his kids, but he is not doing the same and my kids are hurt. He used to play with them everyday. Why can't he just be adult about the situation like i am doing and I am the one who is hurting more over it.

 

I know what's done is done and I take responsibility that this is the fallout, but why can't he be civil? Being at home is uncomfortable and if he would just be civil or at least act it everyone including H would not be suspicious. I can't tell him that because I can't contact him and maybe that is why he is doing it. I am just sad to see the person that i cared deeply about be so cruel day in and day out. Will it ever wear off his anger because I don't plan on moving.

[forbidden fruit]

Please don't ignore this post I really need some support I am having a weak day and do not want to break NC!!

[Shades of Grey]

Hi FF,

 

It sounds like he is really hurting and angry at the break up of your relationship and finds it very difficult to see you getting on with your life.

 

He probably hates to see you making an effort to move on without him and behaving like this is how his anger manifests itself.

 

It seems like it has taken a huge amount of strength from you to end your relationship and concentrate on your marriage. Try not to let MM's behaviour set you back. I know how hard it must be seeing him behave in this way after everything you have been through together.

 

Whilst you seem to be accepting the decision and appear to be doing well, (I know inside you may feel differently) he is clearly going to need longer to come to terms with it. In the meantime I don't think there is anything you can do except give it time. Don't let him drag you down to his level by responding to his behaviour. Keep trying to be civil and try as much as possible to avoid him. Maybe he is trying to provoke a reaction from you but eventually he will see that you have no intention of engaging in these games and he will have to consider the point of it all.

 

Take care x

[whichwayisup]

My xmm is just being mean and it so hurtful. I know i am not suppossed to not care, but I still do. I have good days and bad days. Yesterday, I had a good day and then i came home and he was in his front yard and he gave me a look of hatred and then went inside. I immediately went inside and cried. What is this all about? I am still being a friend to his kids, but he is not doing the same and my kids are hurt. He used to play with them everyday. Why can't he just be adult about the situation like i am doing and I am the one who is hurting more over it.

 

I know what's done is done and I take responsibility that this is the fallout, but why can't he be civil? Being at home is uncomfortable and if he would just be civil or at least act it everyone including H would not be suspicious. I can't tell him that because I can't contact him and maybe that is why he is doing it. I am just sad to see the person that i cared deeply about be so cruel day in and day out. Will it ever wear off his anger because I don't plan on moving.

 

Take afew minutes for yourself, get a pen and paper...Or post it here. Write down all the things you want exMM neighbour to say to you. How you want him to act around you, your H and your kids. Then ask yourself, is this realistic? You know him well enough to know how he is and how he handles things.

 

All I can say is, you gotta learn not to care about what he thinks or feels. It just doesn't matter....Keep telling yourself that, and hopefully soon it will just happen.

 

Don't talk to him at all. When you see him and he acts like a dickhead, don't react AT ALL. He is waiting for ANY kind of reaction. Good or bad...

 

And, if your kids are really that hurt by his behaviour, then you need to tell your kids that it's adult stuff and it has nothing to do with them, and even though exMM neighbour isn't himself anymore, it shouldn't matter so much to your kids. This actually is a good thing because he shouldn't be so close to your kids, and your kids need to detach from him anyway.

 

Hang in there and if it gets too much, just play in your backyard with the kids so you don't have to see him. Or go out for the day.

[Darth Vader]

Okay so i am fine as long as I do not have to see him and we were gone all day for father's day. However when we came home my H wanted to have a drink on the porch and there was xmm gardening. He did not look over and he looked mad.

 

My h asks me why he can't just be neighbourly. I think that is not alot to ask considering my H did not do anything wrong. My H is at least willing to be civil after everything that has happened. After our last talk my xmm said we do not have to be enemies and I agreed so why now is going back on his word. How hard is it to wave just to remain the status quo.

 

It has been me who has hardest time with letting go not the xmm so why now when I am okay with letting go is he being such an a**. I thought he wanted to be friends and if not friends I said let's just be civil. It is obvious that is not going to happen. Is his huge ego bruised because he can see I am having fun with my H or is he purposely not saying hi because he thinks I am crazy and I could tell his W everything which I did say if he ever came near me again. I guess after almost two years he is finally going to respect my NC or is he just scared?

 

 

It's just a mtter of time before the husband knows the truth about the true situation of the affair!

[Darth Vader]

My xmm is just being mean and it so hurtful. I know i am not suppossed to not care, but I still do. I have good days and bad days. Yesterday, I had a good day and then i came home and he was in his front yard and he gave me a look of hatred and then went inside. I immediately went inside and cried. What is this all about? I am still being a friend to his kids, but he is not doing the same and my kids are hurt. He used to play with them everyday. Why can't he just be adult about the situation like i am doing and I am the one who is hurting more over it.

 

I know what's done is done and I take responsibility that this is the fallout, but why can't he be civil? Being at home is uncomfortable and if he would just be civil or at least act it everyone including H would not be suspicious. I can't tell him that because I can't contact him and maybe that is why he is doing it. I am just sad to see the person that i cared deeply about be so cruel day in and day out. Will it ever wear off his anger because I don't plan on moving.

 

 

He's not going to be civil, because you cut off the supply of sex to him. Hmmm, I wonder how much longer it will be until OM says something to your hubby about what really happened?