DatingQuestions Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Hello, I have a very tough decision to make, so last night I sat down to write this down into a list. Please read and let me know what you think! Pros Guy A vs. Guy B Guy A (24-year-old): - Extremely attentive to me - Worships me - Tolerates and understands me - Sweet and cute personality - Talented - Wonderful communicator - Puts my needs/wants before his - Intense and exciting - Emotionally supportive of me - Very funny/makes me laugh! - Great looking Guy B (29-year-old): - Well-balanced personality - Healthy (mental and physical) - Well educated - Smart - Compatible with me/like the same things - Polite/well mannered - Good family background and upbringing - Financial stability - Socially well adapted - Cultured - Gorgeous looking Cons Guy A vs. Guy B Guy A: - Unhealthy - Unstable - Unequal education level (high school graduate) - Childlike mannerisms - Addiction (smoking, past drug problems) - No job - No career achievements - Social anxiety Guy B: - Not funny (can’t make me laugh, but thinks that I am funny!) - Could be too independent - Has many female friends I have been in a long distance with guy A for seven months, and we have developed a strong bond emotionally. He loves me but obvious has a lot of issues. He is planning on moving here to where I am, go to school, and is trying to quit smoking. He has life planned out around me, and wants to marry me. I met guy B around the same time I met guy A. He is local but our contacts have been very limited until recently. He obviously wants to step up the friendship, and I really enjoy his company. I am not cheating on guy A, and I would never want that to happen, but there are so many uncertainties, and I am not even sure if he is the one. Please give me your input on this and possibly help me sort out my feelings! Thanks a lot in advance.
jcster Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 I find myself voting against Guy A because of these traits: - Puts my needs/wants before his - Intense and exciting I've dated people with a history of addiction, and I grew up in an addicted household. Screwed up people are often exciting, and they often put everyone's needs before their own. Both of these things can draw you to a person - who doesn't like to have an exciting person think you're the most important person in the world? But...people that put other's needs before their own often have very low self esteem and a problem with boundaries. And, it's a short hop from excitement to drama to disfunction. I'm not saying that all exciting people are nuts, or that all attentive people have low self-esteem, but if you add in the addictions - a lot of red flags appear.
Storyrider Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Sounds like neither one is the one. Just from my gut, it seems like you have spark with the first one, but he has too many problems with drugs and instability. You don't seem to have much of a spark with the second one. You said he's gorgeous looking, but not that you are hot for him.
Touche Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Well, if i had to pick I'd pick B. Get to know him better. But I agree with Story. I think they're both "close but no cigar." The cons, in both cases, can turn out to be REAL problems later on. I mean if guy B doesn't make you laugh and that's important to you, it could be a real issue over the long-term. In order to weather life's ups and downs, a person really needs a good sense of humor. And a good, successful marriage I think requires that. I'd keep my options open but I think I'd see where it goes with guy B. Maybe he'd give up all those gal pals if it gets serious with you. And he might have a more subtle sense of humor..one you haven't seen yet. As for being independent..that's a PRO in my book. Who wants a dependent man?
Krytellan Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 - Could be too independent - Has many female friends Well, are you looking for a stable perhaps marriage relationship or just a relationship? I don't see how him having female friends is a con, I strongly believe that the more friends of the opposite sex a person has the better. That shows they are selective in who they date. Guy B seems more stable and long-term. But you do realize a list is no way to choose romance, right?
Author DatingQuestions Posted June 15, 2007 Author Posted June 15, 2007 But you do realize a list is no way to choose romance, right? Yes, I do realize it. I am just really confused right now and I'm trying to be more logical about things. The thing is that I have developed a wonderful friendship with guy A, we are each other's best friend. About his addiction, he went through detox two years ago and was clean for a long time until this past Jan., when I broke up with him for a month. He used heroin twice and helped himself out of it. He has felt extremely guilty and decided to share that information only with me (after we got back together). He has been very honest with me, and I know that he REALLY wants to get better. Jan. was the last time he used it. I have no experience with drugs or any kind of addictions, so please tell me if any of you think that I am too naive to believe in him! I agree that guy B seems better on paper, but I don't know him enough yet, we don't have the same emotional bond, and I don't know if he is taking me seriously. I would love to get to know him more and start to build our connections, but I'd hate to do that behind guy A, that's why I am trying to make a decision now.
allina Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 I would choose guy B. Maybe guy B can become attentive as well if you guys get together. He has his stuff together, he's more of a complete man. I'm not sure what you mean about guy A being unhealthy but that sounds bad, along with his anxiety, no education, no job, no manners...
Chamari Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 I think the real question here is do you want to stay with guy A or not? It kind of sounds like you want to get out of there and Guy B's providing the incentive, but you don't want to move on unless you know that guy B will work out. That said, it seems like you first need to decide if you want to be with guy A or not, and then once that's decided, then you can think about B and how he fits into things. Just my thoughts.
doiask42much Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 I say B. It doesn't sound like you have spent enough time around him. He might get funnier as he gets more comfortable with you. The other two cons should resolve themselves as you get to know each other and build trust and an understanding of each other's needs. I have experience with addiction in that I have had two serious bfs with drug problems. I wasted many years of my life and was almost sucked into it too. If I could do it over, I would choose very differently. Not to be rude, but guy A sounds like a loser. And you sound possibly a little codependent yourself (you like that he worships you and you don't like that guy B is indepedent)--I am too, that's why I am pointing it out--so if he were to relapse, who's to say he wouldn't bring you down with him? Most of the drugs I've done were to spend "quality time" with my SO, be on the same page, have crazy sex and whatnot. Were it not for them, I wouldn't have done nearly as much as I did. You sound like a nice sort. It would be a shame for you to muck your life up. I honestly don't know how much someone could love you when it's been LD for 7 months. If he had total access to you all the time, I am sure things would be a lot different and the charm and excitement wouldn't be enough to keep things afloat, especially since he has no job or education.
VirtualInsanity Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 Nothing personal against you but if you have to ask, you shouldn't be dating. You need to learn the difference between good and bad material. Seriously because both have major red flags.
Tony T Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 If I were you, I'd be looking for Guys C and D. By the way, I have always been irritated by these kinds of lists. People aren't made of concrete and they are ever changing, particularly while they are young. The guy who is very attentive now may avoid you like the plague six months from now. The guy who is very outgoing...may be outgoing with some other chick three months from now. The guy with the well balanced personality may be so because of his medication...or he could develop a psychosis in the years ahead. Have fun with all these guys. Just LISTEN TO THIS!!!--- When you find the right guy, the one who throws you for loops, you won't be sitting down making lists like this.
Hitman10000 Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 Guy A sounds like a loser, Guy B probably has more options than you. In any case women who have online long distance relationships are kinda wacky themselves so Guy A sounds perfect for you.
Trialbyfire Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 It's interesting the way you've laid this all out. There was a guy who was interested but I couldn't quite put my finger on what bothered me. It took putting it in writing before it made sense. Good luck with your choice, although I do agree that if you're confused, perhaps neither is who you want.
johan Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 ...Please read and let me know what you think! ... Thanks a lot in advance. I think there is not enough information here to make this choice. Not for me anyway. I would need to see a list of your pros and cons. Any chance you can get those two guys to provide their lists regarding you?
Krytellan Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 I think there is not enough information here to make this choice. Not for me anyway. I would need to see a list of your pros and cons. Any chance you can get those two guys to provide their lists regarding you? Niiiiiiiiice
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