ARDriver01 Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Last night my wife of 4 years went out to our local hangout/bar to see our friends. Formerly her friends, now our friends kinda thing. When we were first married, she always wanted to hang out with these guys. I came to find out quickly afterwards that she had been intimately involved with each of them a few years prior to our relationship. So they all know her like I do. Physically. For a good two years I protested the idea of hanging out with them all together. I stood strong and stubborn. She played the prisioner roll and tried to make me feel bad for taking her friends away. So I decided that we could both hang out with them, even though I really felt it very, very uncomfortable. But, I got use to it. I even let her hang out with my friends in the Air Force while I was deployed. Three of them tryed to get too close to her and she told me that she couldn't hang out with them anymore and I said "Great neither can I!" She started hanging out with this family from our church while I was deployed. They had three teenagers, 1 girl and 2 boys. So yeah... She slept with one of the boys and had a three week affair starting one week before I came home from the Mid East, and lasting two weeks before I figured out that something was up and blew it all to pieces. A few months after, we took a trip home to LA. She wanted to hang out with her guy friends and I was like "F*ck that, NO WAY!"etc... She protested heavily and went anyway. She came back two minutes later to argue more about her right to do what she wants and so forth, and I said "Fine... You want me to be Mr. Cool Guy. The naive husband that lets his wife do whatever? I said sure, lets go hang out, have all the friends you want, I'm sick of arguing with you and trying to prevent something from happening again." It's really not worth worrying about wether or not it's going to happen again. If it does, than I'm free, and I can start over. My biggest fear now, is "What if she's lying to me." I let her go hiking with her a guy friend, and coffee with another. I'm probably the most lax husband when it comes to my wifes friends. A big difference from three years ago. I let her do anything, and I don't get made out to be a monster. Is'nt that a great deal? (sarc) Last night, I was going to go to the bar with her because I wanted to be social but I was way too tiered. She went, and I expected her home late and she called at 4am to tell me she was puking and drunk and going to stay the night at her friends house. A guy friends house. I know all these guys. Just like I knew the guy she cheated on me with. Sleep overs are not okay! Why didn't she have him take her home to her husband? Any advise. It would be greatly appreciated before I confront her about this.
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 You're giving her trust and faith, trusting her to do the right thing, and she's hanging herself with the rope you're giving her. STOP NOW. She needs to grow up and be a wife, not act like she's single. She needs women friends in her life, NOT all men friends. This isn't about you at all, it's ALL about her and the need to have attention from other men. Something is wrong inside her whether it be she's insecure about herself. Either way, she's just selfish and is putting her own needs first above yours and the marriage. You being lax is great. Letting her be herself, but she's taking advantage of your trust and running with it! Stand up to her, set the boundries and ground rules. You are completely correct! SLEEPOVERS are NOT OKAY when one is married. It's just wrong and inappropriate behaviour when you're married. She's putting herself IN situations where something 'could happen' very easily. Suggest to her that you two go to marriage counselling and for her to quit this behaviour she's displaying.
quankanne Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 ooh, this is very irresponsible behavior on her part – I've got guy friends from college who are like brothers, and DH trusts me when I go visit them an their families whenever I see my dad. Of course, I make an effort to make my husband feel part of the relationship by talking about them and what's going on in their lives on a regular basis, just like I do my girlfriends. The difference here is, I've never slept with, nor plan to sleep with these guys, and DH knows this. frankly, it sounds like your wife is acting out, though it's not easy to say why. Do you think she's "punishing" you for being in the military, which can separate the two of you for periods of time when you're on an assignment that she can't accompany you on? How old is she?
Art_Critic Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 I agree with both of the posters over me and can't add anything to it... they have given you great advice
Author ARDriver01 Posted June 15, 2007 Author Posted June 15, 2007 Do you think she's "punishing" you for being in the military, which can separate the two of you for periods of time when you're on an assignment that she can't accompany you on? How old is she? No... It's not that. If she had a problem with me in the service, she would have said something a long time ago. I'm not in the service anymore and we moved back to Cali in October. We're both 24.
dbtmarley Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 ARDriver, Is this woman's name Tina? Valentina to be exact? I was married to her also!!! OK, I am kidding really. Wow you poor b*st*rd. What your wife is doing is just plain wrong! Please get out now and do not waste any more of your time with this woman. I wasted 10 years with a woman similar and in the end I was questioning myself all the way to court! I was doubted that my views on marriage were even right. I blamed myself for her joining a dating service. I blamed myself for not being able to accept her bisexuality (something that came out after we married). I wondered why on earth I did not want to watch my wife with another woman. I wondered why I could not accept the fact that she forgot my birthday, but could remember this guy Ray's birthday from her job. I actually believed I was just being insecure... What were the effects of this 10 year marriage? I suddenly felt like I could not trust anyone. I began to doubt what anyone showed me... I could not take anyone for face value. Worse yet... I was with someone that I realize I truly never really knew.. I got in a relationship and pushed the girl away because I just did not want to ever have what happened with my ex to ever happen again... My ex-wife burned me bad and let me tell you, the psychological effects were long standing! I even beat myself up for going through that... The doubt in myself and everyone around me was consuming me and it effected everything around me... job, friends, family, etc.. etc.. I personally do not feel like your situation can be fixed but I know I may be projecting some of my own personal experience here in saying that. She lacks integrity and has very little compassion for your feelings. I doubt very seriously this is something you will successfully instill in her. I also doubt you will ever trust this woman with all your heart the way a wife should be trusted.. Do not waste your time my friend... Thomas
crazy_grl Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 We're both 24. There's your problem. Her behavior is fairly typical for a 24 year old (not very admirable, but typical). You can't control what she does. If she doesn't want to act like a wife, nothing you can do will make her. You can try counseling, but I doubt it'll do any good. You may just have to accept you got married too young and move on.
quankanne Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 She lacks integrity and has very little compassion for your feelings. I doubt very seriously this is something you will successfully instill in her. frankly, she sounds incredibly immature and selfish from what you've described, and that ain't gonna go away easily ...
Topper Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 She had an affrair with a teenage boy while you were overseas? Does the family of the boy know about this? This woman is bad news and it will not get any better. She had one affair and now has a sleepover I bet she is telling you nothing happened. You need to get your balls back from her. She is just playing you fora fool. It might sound harsh But you need a wake up call. You might be married but she isn't. she told you 3 of your air force buddies made advances on her? I bet the farm that she was covering her ass with that story. 3 of your buddies were F...ing her is more like it. She cheats she lies. why in the world would you want to stay with her?
justpassingthrough Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 So I decided that we could both ... I even let her ... I was like "F*ck that, NO WAY!"etc... I let her go hiking... I let her do anything... I expected her... Okay, she's wrong, for all of the reasons pointed out before and probably, upon further study, a few more. However, the part I quoted (by clicking on the button in the lower right of the post I wanted to quote, and editing that a bit) stikes me as interesting. Like I said, she's wrong, but gosh that's a whole lot of intersting language you're using there. Just sayin'.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 I think that if you take this: I came to find out quickly afterwards that she had been intimately involved with each of them a few years prior to our relationship. So they all know her like I do. Physically. and add this: She slept with one of the boys and had a three week affair starting one week before I came home from the Mid East, and lasting two weeks before I figured out that something was up and blew it all to pieces. It becomes obvious that your wife lacks the moral compass required to be in a monogamous relationship. Unless you can find out why that is - and fix it - you headed for a lifetime of trouble... Mr. Lucky
Darth Vader Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 No consequences for her actions, no motivation for change. Time for her to go, Bud!
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