Barely staying sane

[sockpuppet]

I was trying to walk away from my recent breakup maturely, not blaming my ex for the way things played out, accepting my part of the responsibility, and not having any hard feelings. I actually started feeling better, but my resentment has gotten the better of me, and the worst part is, I feel like I'm nuts because she's managed to be so cruel while spinning it off as being my fault.

 

I apologize if this is repeated- I posted part of this story in another forum here a little while ago (but nobody responded).

 

We dated for a year, living together abroad for a good part of it. I had some issues with her past, when we returned from abroad and it became a LDR, I couldn't handle them and hurt her badly, I decided we should break up while I worked on that. Soon after we talked about getting back together, when I decided I valued her more than the issues I was getting so insecure over.

 

She had said she didn't trust me, but still loved me and we would have to work on the trust. I spent the next 3 months trying to do this. Early on in that time, she did start opening up to me again, but was obviously hurting and having problems trusting me and worrying about how I really felt about her. I did my best to be supportive. Then, a few weeks later...she just kind of snapped. She started hanging out with her new group of all-guy friends EVERY NIGHT, partying. She said she became "one of the guys." Coincidentally, she and I became a second priority, and her confidence and happiness skyrocketed. I was glad she was happier, but it didn't look good for me- here are some examples:

 

- In addition to hanging out with these guys every night, she went to a military ball with one of them. There was a blatant double standard there since she'd never let that fly with me.

- She was neighbors at school with one of these guys (her roommate's BF), and would play tetris at the most random hours with him. Her roommate started to get bothered, and was actually getting pissed at her when the guy dumped her and my ex continued to hang out with the guy.

- In pictures showing up constantly on facebook, she was literally hanging all over all these guys.

 

Leading up to all this, she'd been telling me constantly how much she loved me and missed me. I tried to be trusting, and even told her if she had a change of heart to just let me know and I'd understand. She said she hadn't, and when I complained about the signals I was getting, she said I was being dramatic and pulled away from me.

 

Then she got an interview for an internship in my area (which I had gotten for her). She came out, acted like my GF, slept with me, and we had talked about traveling together, her coming to visit my parents with me, and just going on dates again. We actually arranged to have her live at my place for a little while since she couldn't afford anything else. She was adamant that she loved me, but "it wouldn't mean we were going to be a couple again yet." One of our friends had asked her if her living with me meant we were getting back together, she had said, "no, it's just a friendly arrangement." WTF?

 

This kind of thing bothered me, so I pressed her to let me know what was up. Soon after, she withdrew from the internship and decided not to come out, feeding me some BS reason, and later telling me, "I just wanted to live together as friends with no expectations this summer, when it became clear you couldn't do that, I changed my mind." More argument from me, resulting in her calling me dramatic more, and eventually telling me (after a lot of prodding) that she didn't love me like she used to and she was moving on. This was after months of telling me she loved me and actually making plans to live with me.

 

Now I'm just left totally shell-shocked. I've tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. I know she was confused. But her actions were totally inappropriate, and I feel like I'm the only one who thinks so. I blindly trusted her when I saw red flags, because she'd never been the type of girl to mislead me or be dishonest.

 

EVERYONE loves this girl. She's the type of girl that everyone usually wants. She's the stereotypical blonde with huge boobs (this is relevant only because she makes guy friends ridiculously fast), and she is also kind of a partier. There was a point where it seemed like she'd walk through fire for me/us, then all of a sudden, I meant nothing to her, felt replaced, and I've had to see pictures of her happy, partying, living it up, while I'm left miserable feeling like a schmuck because I can't be intimate with someone else even if I wanted to. She was NEVER a shallow or insensitive person when I dated her....what happened? How am I ever supposed to fully trust someone if the person I think I know and trust more than anyone else can totally change and break my heart? How is it ok to tell someone you love them (after having stated their love was different now) and talking about being with them, but then absolving themselves afterwards by saying they made it clear we weren't dating?

 

I'm trying to understand. She handles things differently, she doesn't like confronting them. I'm trying to think she wanted things to work out, but I just feel like a doormat. Anyways, please, if you've managed to read this, respond with any thoughts positive or negative, because I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't see her as perfect in this situation.

[sockpuppet]

Also...

 

I've tried keeping things on good terms. When I wasn't quite so angry, I re-requested to be facebook friends (I had unfriended her), and wrote an email recently saying how I had no hard feelings and appreciated the good times we had, and realized it was over, and hoped at some point she'd look back on it the same way.

 

She never responded to the email.

 

I am fairly young, but I've been in relationships and I've loved before. I'm not totally naive. We had something special...so special that it was almost TOO good for me and its why I freaked out early on. Even with that, everything was almost perfect. I had been the first guy she'd really opened up to. I never saw her as anything but sweet, rational, and caring. That's why it's hard to just write her off as a jerk.

 

 

And now it's taking every amount of resolve I have to keep from contacting her and letting her know how selfish, dishonest, and inappropriate she's been in handling all this, and how she's changed.

[funkybassplayer]

THINK YOU HAVE TO WRITE HER OFF! she sounds similar to my ex but she had 3 kids that i would have died for. She changed and never said why, and then she dropped me, begged me to be mates, and a week after is with a new guy, and doent want to know me! . She like yours was high maintenace, and selfish. I just sent all her stuff back and walked away. thats that. i cant and wont try to be friends while she's getting shagged! same for you mate, just walk away and get on with your life. She knows your there for her, thats all you can do. You will get more repect for yourself, and from others if you just leave her to her party life. Remember what goes round comes around. I thought that at 35 and 3 kids she would want to settle, i went through hell with her issues and depprestion, i took crap from her husband (that she refused to divorce!) in the end, it seems i ment nothing to her. Women can be strange and i dont think that its worth trying to figure it out! you'll go nut's! But now a few weeks down the line, i realise what a lucky escape i had! thats i guess because i took a step back and looked at the relationship as it was. Now i think i was'nt ever that happy, i was just there and did not know better. It helps just to take a step back on it and look at it for what it was.

[sockpuppet]

The thing is, I'm the one that hurt her first, and I hurt her bad. Our whole relationship, and even after I first broke up with her, she was nothing but supportive and sweet. This is just a total 180. She has a hangup about feeling like she "needs" people, I wonder if her excelling at showing people when she doesn't need them is real, or just an act.

[funkybassplayer]

Face it, It could be that now shes happier without you? If you did hurt her, then maybe she took a few steps back and looked on it and saw hurt that you caused her? maybe she feels she is better off out and is just enjoying her new found freedom? I dunno, but eighter way, you have to learn from what has happened and leave her to it. if shes happy then thats important, and if you repect her, you'll leave her be....... NO point in trying to work out what is in her mind, you have to work on yourself, and move on and learn from what happened here.

 

I found that while you are in the relationship its hard to see whats really going on until you're not in it anymore and time has passed. In life we are always learning till the day we die, and life's a journey of good and bad, but it moves forward, thats what we all here have to do is move forward. Sure i miss my ex and her kids like hell, but the more i tryed to analyse the more i could'nt move forward.

 

Two weeks ago i saw her on msn, i got paniky, i saw her on there yesterday, instead of thinking is she waiting for me to message, i thought like me shes checking her emails, i did my email check and closed off........time, and acceptance and improving and respecting yourself. Do that and everyone else will. We all have in the past chased after ex's and its degrading, but if you can have the strenth to let them be and get on with whatever they are doing, then they will remmeber you as a strong person that they will respect, even if you did crap things to them or they to you in the past. Life is funny and no one knows whats round the corner.

 

Sorry about the rambling man!!

[sockpuppet]

This is so hard...I've been in longer relationships and for some reason those break ups didn't compare in the least.

 

I traveled the world with this girl, literally living out a fantasy I'd had since I was little. We went to all the most romantic places...I exposed her and included her in every passion I have in life, so now even those things remind me of her. We lived together for 3 months in a foreign country, spending almost every minute together for that period and never getting sick of eachother. Idolizing the person you just broke up with is never good, but she was everything I wanted.

 

I get that things couldn't work out, I just don't understand how someone can walk away from such an experience and shut the person they shared it with out of their life altogether. She's probably found someone new to distract her...I wish I could even WANT someone new. I can't get close to anyone .

 

I know everyone goes through this, I'm just worried that I'm going to take a longer time than I should to get over her...and I don't even want to get over her. I can't even accept on a deep level that she doesn't love me anymore, or that she doesn't miss me or that she's happy without me. It's been 2 weeks now.

[LakesideDream]

Sockpuppet, I can tell you from hard earned experiance that a relationship break up can be the most difficult thing you experiance in your life.

 

When my 25 years old relationship ended with a "I love you, but I am not in love", followed quickly be the disclosure of a multi year affair... I was literally shattered.

 

I managed to survive and live through it, in time.. and I had a lot of support. You can too. You've heard it before, but it's still true. Take it an hour, day, week, month, and year at a time.

 

I wish you the best.

[elvish]

Sockpuppet, obviously you had/have your faults in this relationship... but everyone contributes. She acts, you react...and vice versa.... ...it just sounds like she didn't want to be in a situation where mixed messages were given. Obviously this realisation came a little late (on her part), as you were already feeling that it was on a possible road to recovery. And she was starting to grow without you (being social with others etc), but doing so without fully letting you go. My story is different to yours, but i do know there is nothing worse than having to admit to yourself that the dream is over. I struggle with it non stop.

Try to take solace in the fact that you are not alone. It seems like one of lifes lessons is to learn to walk away (when your heart doesn't want to )

[sockpuppet]

I'm at the point where I'm either really hurt, or really pissed off.

 

I just imagine the fact that she's happy without me in general, and even more angering is that she's likely happy with someone else (since that's her typical tactic of moving on). I could just never move on that way, by using someone else...

 

One of the most painful things in a relationship situation, besides an actual breakup, is watching someone change in a LDR slowly over time into someone that doesn't fit with you, or doesn't want to have anything to do with you.

 

Every minute that I pine for her I get more resentful because I know she's not doing the same for me.