lostlove2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 I have been married to my husband for six years, we have been together for a total of 12. The good thing is, I married my best friend, the bad thing is, I married my best friend. When I get married I was under the impression that a marriage built around friendship would be a good, solid marriage. I had always heard that passion comes and goes and at the end of the day your friendship will keep your marriage strong. The problem, my husband and I have never had much passion, physcial contact, loving words, or anything else along those lines. We get along well, we don't fight. Problem is, we don't make love either. During the early part of our relationship, I always wanted my husband to do little things to show me he appreciated and loved me. I felt these were very vital to keeping a person happy. He dismissed this idea as stupid and I learned to accept that "that is just how he was." I learned to live without the cards, flowers, etc. even the simple I love yous. In the beginning I would do these for him, but he seemed not to care so I quit. He had a rough childhood growing up and had never seen a loving relationship work. If he hadn't seen that, I couldn't expect that from him. We were on again and off again until a tragedy brought us closer together. From that day on we have been together. Two great friends living in a marriage. About two years ago I started to get bothered by the fact that my husband felt more like a roomate. Our other married friends showed affection towards each other and were having sex. I really started to question if we were right for each other. I knew we had the friendship part down, but was that really all that a marriage needed? As we became more like roomates I spent time on the Internet while he played video games. I started hanging out nightly on a message board (not a dating board) and started talking to a married man 1500 miles away. I can honestly say I had no intentions on being on the internet to meet someone. I was doing my thing, and my husband was doing his. The man I met started out as a very good friend. I have always had guy friends, grew up with brothers, and am often seen as one of the guys. I started talking nightly online to this man and then the conversations moved to the phone. He was married, I was married and we would talk to and try to help each other figure out how to help save our marriages. About two months into the friendship something changed. We both started having feelings for each other and eventually the feelings turned to love. A year and a half later we still talk daily for hours. This man has made me have feelings that I can say were never there for my husband..I feel such strong love, passion, sexual desires.. he just makes me very happy. A happiness I have never known. He does the things that I need.. the little things. He has made me realize that a relationship needs friendship, but also passion and desires. He has allowed me to discover a side of me that I didn't know existed. Last month I asked my husband to move out. I told him that I wasn't sure if we were right for each other and that I wanted more out of a marriage than a buddy. I wanted love, passion, sex, kisses, hugs...I wanted to feel like the most beautiful person in the world to my husband. I wanted to see the same passion from my husband that this man so far away shows me. The problem is, I don't feel those things towards my husband. I can't shake the feeling that deep down we aren't right for each other. These feelings came about long before I met the man on the Internet. If our marriage was where it needed to be we wouldn't spend so much time doing our own thing. I don't know if I will ever meet this man. He's still married, I am still married. It's like I found someone I was meant to be with, but about 12 years too late. My husband is beside himself. He doesn't understand where I am coming from and I don't know if I do either. He says he is willing to start doing things to make me feel more appreciate and loved. But, I wonder, should it be such a forced effort on both of our sides? Should there not be a natural level of passion? I know it dies, but in our case it has never really been there. I feel horrible. My husband says he doesn't want to give up on us. I have agreed to go to counseling but we have had only one session so far. We still see each other daily, but I am enjoying not having him around. I feel less pressure, less tension, and I am honestly enjoying living on my own. I don't know if I ever got a chance to discover who I really was. I met my husband at 18 and he is the only man I have ever been with. I hate what I am doing to him. I can't say I want a divorce but I don't want him home either. I am so confused. I guess the struggle I am facing is can I accept a marriage with no passion, romance and sex? Is our friendship enough to last the test of time? If you are still with me after reading this novel THANK YOU. Any insight you could provide would be very helpful.
quiet1one1 Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 I'm sure it's no big surprise to hear that you got married too young and with too little experience. Sounds to me like there's some hope though? IMHO I say continue with the counseling for sure and maybe consider separating for a fixed amount of time? Some time and space apart may help. In my experience, living together and playing ~life~ is not the best thing right now. You've changed the dynamics between the two of you, there's no denying it. He'll try harder ...you'll resent it more and push him away more...he won't get positve feedback from you for his efforts so he'll shut down and get angry...you'll resent that...and on it goes. You create a kind-of self-fulfilling dowhill spiral. This continues until things become so cancerous the marriage dies. Good luck. Keep posting.
sumdude Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 If you believe there is hope for your marriage ...you have to believe that for it to work. There is one thing you must absolutely and positively do without question. You have to cut all contact with your long distance relationship. If you are not willing to do that then forget about the possibilty of your marriage working out. Becasue at thgis point you're not giving your H much of yourself since this man on the phone is getting it all. Does your H even know about this affair? Yes it's an affair, maybe not physically consummated but an affair nonetheless. Also remember it's a fantasy affair. From what you posted you've never met in person so who knows if there is any physical chemistry. He is married as well. The whole thing is a virtual love ... a big danger in this electronically connected world. It's like falling in love with a character in a movie. You're both getting only part of each others reality, the parts you both choose to give. One day you may actually spend time together and realize niether of you is who you think you are right now. You might give up everything you have in life right now for a castle made of sand. If you are willing to give your marriage a chance, pull up your sleeves, open the lines of communication, be patient and wait for changes to come.
mockeryjones Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 As we became more like roomates I spent time on the Internet while he played video games. I started hanging out nightly on a message board (not a dating board) and started talking to a married man 1500 miles away. I can honestly say I had no intentions on being on the internet to meet someone. I was doing my thing, and my husband was doing his. The man I met started out as a very good friend. I have always had guy friends, grew up with brothers, and am often seen as one of the guys. I started talking nightly online to this man and then the conversations moved to the phone. He was married, I was married and we would talk to and try to help each other figure out how to help save our marriages. About two months into the friendship something changed. We both started having feelings for each other and eventually the feelings turned to love. A year and a half later we still talk daily for hours. This man has made me have feelings that I can say were never there for my husband..I feel such strong love, passion, sexual desires.. he just makes me very happy. A happiness I have never known. He does the things that I need.. the little things. He has made me realize that a relationship needs friendship, but also passion and desires. He has allowed me to discover a side of me that I didn't know existed. you fell in love with a fantasy. it happens. sooner or later you'll realize that this is all it is. it is likley that you could have gotten the same thing from romance novels. the man who is 1500 miles away, well, it's easy for him to make you feel that way becuase neither of you have to deal with the daily grind of life with the other. you and he don't ahve to deal with the moments of bad breath, the flatulence, the pettiness, and the bad moods that are part of the reality of relationships. Of course he has awakened feelings in you, becuase it is not really the real either of you. you are both presenting to each other the portrait of who you want to be. and sadly, you are each buying into the other, despite the inevitable disillusionment that will result when the reality of the situation comes back to bite you. Last month I asked my husband to move out. I told him that I wasn't sure if we were right for each other and that I wanted more out of a marriage than a buddy. I wanted love, passion, sex, kisses, hugs...I wanted to feel like the most beautiful person in the world to my husband. if that is what you wanted why didn't you work for it. granted it is not as easy when you have 1500 miles of space to hide behind but part of having a working marriage is putting in the effort to being the spouse you want to be for your other half, and helping them to do the same by letting them know what it is you want from a spouse. I wanted to see the same passion from my husband that this man so far away shows me. The problem is, I don't feel those things towards my husband. I can't shake the feeling that deep down we aren't right for each other. Tell your husband to move 1500 miles away so every interaction he has with you he can put his best foot forward as well. You can't shake the feeling that you can't feel that way about your husband for the simple reason that you are allowing yourself to dwell in the fantasy of the other man. and really i can't emphasize enough just how much of an unrealistic fantasy that really is. These feelings came about long before I met the man on the Internet. If our marriage was where it needed to be we wouldn't spend so much time doing our own thing. I don't know if I will ever meet this man. He's still married, I am still married. It's like I found someone I was meant to be with, but about 12 years too late. You haven't found a person you were meant to be with. You have found a character that excites. In all honesty, and I don't mean this to be harsh, but you really have no idea what the person behind that character is actually like. Think about it, how great of a catch is he if he is willing to betray his own family like this? Is that the kind of person you could fall in love with? or is it just the character he portrays himself to be is a character you would like to fall for? my humble suggestion is that you wake up and realize just how delusional your current line of thought is. it will not work out as you expect it to and from what i can tell you still have a chance to wake up, realize that, and act on it before you irretrievably f up your life.
Ladyjane14 Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 "What Am I Doing?".... .... you're throwing away what you have with both hands for want of a fantasy. My advice to you would be to take off the rose-colored glasses. Stop any and all contact with the married OM, and ground yourself in reality. You're about to lose your "best friend". And there's no way you can weigh the import of that when your gaze is fixed upon a daydream. Deal ONLY with your husband and the problems facing you. Have enough integrity to give him his due... your full attention. And if after an HONEST assessment, you two determine that the relationship is beyond salvage, then honor what you had together enough so as not to tarnish it's memory with infidelity.
Author lostlove2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Author Posted June 15, 2007 I can see after rereading my post that it appears as if I am just bored and putting all of my interest into this other man. Our marriage has been wrong for a very long time. At one point, before I met this guy my husband had talked about being very unhappy with his life, he was depressed, hated his job, talked about just moving away from everything, including me, and starting over. On the weekends he chooses to spend time with his friends and do his own thing while usually I am left at home to clean the house. We went on a vacation together and he left me alone two of the days to go hiking by himself. We were in a nice tropical location and I sat in the condo by myelf. I just feel like there should be so much more to a relationship. At this point I don't know if I can allow him to make the effort. Another man came into the picture and now my attention has been drawn towards him. I know it is a fantasy, I know that the chances of it working out with the other man is slim to none. I don't even know if I want it to. I see his flaws too. It isn't rose color glasses that I am wearing, we have had our fair share of disagreements too. I just want to be happy. I don't know any more. I want to feel loved and appreciated. I am a good wife, I keep the house clean, I am attractive, I take care of all the bills, I even mow the lawn. Is it too much to expect my husband to look at me now and again and get his breath taken away? Is it too much to expect passionate sex? These things have always been lacking. I always knew something was missing, and I wasn't getting what I wanted out of my marriage but it took this other guy to make me realize exactly what that was. I'll ask it again...should there be some natural level of attraction between a husband and wife? Should every ounce of passion be forced and feel wrong? Maybe I am young and expecting too much from marriage.
ritamae Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 What do you think you will need at 85? A friend? Or a lover? How much passion do you think your grandparents have? Is it not better to have someone that is dedicated to you for life? To get along with the person you live with. To have so many memories together to look back on when you are both rocking in the rocking chairs on the porch. To have the same families. Should I go on? Don't you think our needs change as we grow? Your husbands have changed, I am willing to bet. Are you meeting his current needs?
Gunny376 Posted June 16, 2007 Posted June 16, 2007 Sit down and grab a cup of coffee ~ this may turn out to be one of my longer posts, but its addressed to you the orginal poster. First off by my math ~ you're 30 years of age, which means as a woman you're either just now as a woman are entering your sexual peak. Men hit their somewhere around 18 or so, while women hit there's somewhere in the late twenties to mid thirties. The horrmones that drive the human sex drive should not be under-estimated by any means. They're the answer to a lot of ill-raitional behavior by otherwise rational individuals. That's probally part of the answer in the way your feeling about your marriage and your husband. Another part of the puzzel is that you're a woman, and your definition of intimacy is much more multi-dimensional than your stereotypical male counterpart. There are some woman that are capable having sex just for the sake of sex ~ and enjoying it ~ but most women need a lot more. Seventeen years ago I was as you've described ~ I didn't have a clue about a lot of things about being married nor being in a relationship. When the X threw my azz under the bus ~ I got very motivated to get myself back into "school" ~ so as to not keeping playing the fool. I personally am not big on this counseling stuff ~ if that works for you ~ go for it. What I am big on is perpetual life long learning. The day you think you know it all ~ just go ahead and lay down and die ~ your too stupid to keep on living! Granted at 18 you go married to young ~ you hadn't given yourself the time to explore and discover life, in particular your life ~ what to put in, what to take out. That aside ~ your single best chance at success in marriage is with your first one. That's if both sides have all cards face up on the table, and are willing to adapt, overcome and improvise ~ even if you've got to fake it until you make it. And are willing to learn damnit! And that's a lifelong committment to learning. Yesterdays problems are today's answers, and yesterdays answers are today's problems. Be damn careful what you ask for ~ you might just get it. First off ~ break all contact with the OM ~ COLD! With ruthless abandon! Any married man that will pursue a married woman is an absolute loser. He/she has no Honor, no Code, no integrity, ~ the moral compass that tells one to "just do the right thing!" And you know what is right and what is wrong ~ IT was written upon your heart the day you were born. Most, (the mentally ill aside) don't need to go to Church, nor read a Bible nor the Koran to know what the right thing to do is? They just know. Do you really want to be with someone that's willing to cheat on his wife that cheated on her husband? Come on! Let's get real here! You would and could never trust him ~ nor him you! I can promise you ~ you'll never trust another man like you did your first! (Side-bar, yes there are exceptions, but not if your getting with someone that cheated on their spouse that you cheated on your spouse with ~ this isn't doing algebra in Chinesse!) A good man doesn't just happen. That have to be created by women. A guy is a lump like a dougnut. So the first thing you have to do is you've got to get rid of all the stuff his Mom did to him. And then you gotta' get rid of all the macho crap that they get from watching too much NASCAR, football, baseball and beer commercials. And then there's the ~ male eog! You dump this guy ~ you're just going to have to go through the same process with the next guy. More to post, but its late ~ I just got off work, the afterwork mellow music is playing, and the Scotch is kicking in ~ and I've got to get up early in the morning and hit the dusty trail. Meanwhile Goggle "Light Her Fire" In closing? Look at this way? Even a Porsche needs a tune up now and again. Maybe your marriage just needs a tune up or so ~ maybe it needs a major overhaul. I've got some web sites I can link you too ~ books to read, etc ~ I'm just too tired to do so right now, and I've got to work tomorrow ~ sorry. If you've got the time ~ you might want to search some of my posts where I've listed books and links All 2000+ of them! LOL!
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