Living Out of the Lie

[pureinheart]

Just want to express some feelings in a safe place and also say *thank you* to all of you for allowing me to draw stregnth from your support and words of encouragement....

 

Much has happened since communicating the last time in LS....maybe what is said will help someone who is either in the midst of NC or contemplating it.

 

*A brief background*.....Last August I went NC w/MM, cutting it off completely.....in the first part of December his W found out that it was over and freaked out on me....this has made no sense to me as the normal reaction of freaking out is at the point of discovery.

 

A couple of months ago, out of the blue, his friend calls me asking for a phone #....through the course of the conversation she tells me that ex-MM and W had split awhile back....I was very careful not to bring up ex-MM as I did not want to know anything about him....

 

I was shocked to hear of the split... never in a million years thought this would happen...they have lived in a disfunctional mess for almost 30 yrs and I "thought" they were very comfortable with continuous chaos.

 

So about a month ago I could "feel" his trying to contact me, I could feel it in the Spirit.....at this point I talked to God and told Him that I would not "open that door" unless it was okay, and my confirmation to knowing it was okay would be for him to call me....about a week later something told me to check my cell phone...I rarely checked for missed calls as very few call the cell.....sure enouph he had tried to call 3 days in a row.

 

I called him and we talked for several hours....he spoke of his feelings for me and how much he missed me....I was relunctant to reciprocate as the hurt from the lie came rushing back and was very fresh, as if it were yesterday.

 

We talk almost every day and the first time we saw each other after so long, I was gripped with fear....also I have been battling Graves disease (hyperthyrodism) which added to the anxiety. We've gone out a couple of times and it was wonderful being ourselves and not hiding.

 

He is so different now, fairly calm and more open and gentle. I am amazed that he is doing it on his own now, I never thought he could....so much of his thinking and mindsets have changed for the better.

 

Last Sunday I finally let go and told myself that is was okay to feel for him again...then he missed one day of calling me and I didn't sleep and was depressed... then he called the next day and my needy crap came out...he handled that well.

 

I was feeling "needy" again today and expecting what is not possible at this time....this is classic insecurity and tonight realize I need to get a grip.

 

He is not ready for a full on relationship and I know it....I can feel my controlling nature coming out trying to control everything around me....not good.

 

I need to focus on my health, my family and friends....he needs to become completely accustomed to his new life....I need to not "make" things happen and let them happen naturally, in the right time and place.

 

Let go and let God, if it is even God at all.....

[scaredinlove]

The best is to let things happened naturally.I guess you feeling a little anxious is normal because youloved him and wated to be with him and now he is free, you probably want tomake up for the "waited" time.

 

I hope things work for you, if he called you it is a good sign, now you can take it easy , he is free and is not going anywhere.

 

I am still involved with my MM ,but I decided to let things work their why out.No more pushing or demanding or asking. I don't have the desire or strengh to walk out and I got tired of fighting my feelings.

 

The natural way is the best way. Hope your health improve and you both can restart wher you left it.

 

good Luck!

[whichwayisup]

Maybe, atleast for now, it's best you two don't see eachother. You can't handle it and he needs time to deal with things on his own without heading directly into another relationship.

 

What is it that makes you feel needy? That if you don't hear from him in a couple of days, he's out with another woman, or heading back to his wife?

 

Personally, I think this is all a trust issue, on how this relationship started out. Or have you been this way with your past boyfriends? If not, then chances are your MM brings out fears/worries inside you because of the affair and all that brings along.

 

Whatever happens, happens, it's out of your control and hanging onto him tightly will only make him back off...

 

Definately focus more on YOU, than him. Have fun with your friends, family and get yourself feeling well again, maybe in afew months or so things will be different.

[Cliche]

You sound like you're doing wonderfully and you know what you need to do for you.

 

This seems like it might be the classic case of if it was meant to be, it will be.

[Tomcat33]

Pureinheart:

 

Wow what a road since your last posts. I can totally appreciate what you are going through. When My guy and I first started dating he had been moved out for 2 months and during which time we had contact only over the phone and when we worked togther, there was no alone together time (my decision until I felt it was safe to start dating him...) so I can totally understand what you are going though. Let me assure you I am ususally very independent in my rels. having said that :

 

I personally don't think that these "needy" feelings of yours are due to your irrational insecurities or because you have a needy personality. I can see that what is happening is that you are still not certain of what HE wants out of your rel. If he is not being clear with you regarding where he stands with you right now or what he wants out of your rel with him right now then that is going to cause a tremendous amount of anxiety and insecurity in you. And the difference here is that unlike a new rel where every day is unknown at the begining and you take it in stride because your emotions are not invested yet, in this case you already have a foundation of deep emotions so this contradicts what you trying to do. You went from I love you's and you are my soulmate (or whatever intense emtions you were sharing while the A was happening) to trying to date and discover one another as if you were meeting for the first time. That can be very confusing.

 

I remember the first time I went out for dinner with my guy, it was our first date...of course we had been out together before and sat over cofee or dinner and discussed work etc. but since the emotions were brought forth and we established there were emotional ties between us we had never gone out together with the intent of a romantic pairing. So when we did have our first date we were very touchy feely and for the first time we could explore our physical affection, it was very strange We were like two teens nervously caressing one another for the first time staring into each other's eyes, stealing kisses and whispering I love you's wishing everyone in the restaurant would dissapear...but it was filled with nervous tension nonetheless. After that it took quite a few times out together to feel "normal".

 

Well in time we had managed to feel normal together but the idea that he was not yet a free man completely was very trying on my psyche, so I began to act in ways that were completely out of character for me. I became insecure and needy for his reassurance that he would indeed proceed with his plans and become a free man, the more I found myself falling deeper in love. So I started to push him away, I would want to see him less frequently because I didn't want to get drawn in evern more thatn I already was.

 

What I should have done was let him feel out what it was like to switch from marriage mode to single mode before we jumped into seeing one another, two months was not long enough to let him deal with his stuff emotionally and otherwise. But our emotions were too strong at the time and we couldn't wait to be together the emotional built up had been tremendously high.

 

It looks like you are in a place where you might be able to take a step back and do it right. I would highly highly recommend giving him space to switch gears. Do yourself a favour and do him a favour because having him be unclear with you right now is only going to make you insecure and create pressure on you and him. I would wait until he is able to take on the rel full on. You guys obviously love each other so let him come to you when he is better emotionally and focus on yourself in the meantime.

[pureinheart]

The best is to let things happened naturally.I guess you feeling a little anxious is normal because youloved him and wated to be with him and now he is free, you probably want tomake up for the "waited" time.

 

 

 

Man sil, you hit it right on the money....it's the waited time....thank you so much for this insight, it helps more than you know....

 

I so understand fighting the feelings....it's draining....and now I need to do it again....Good luck to you also!

[pureinheart]

What is it that makes you feel needy? That if you don't hear from him in a couple of days, he's out with another woman, or heading back to his wife?

 

Personally, I think this is all a trust issue, on how this relationship started out. Or have you been this way with your past boyfriends? If not, then chances are your MM brings out fears/worries inside you because of the affair and all that brings along.

 

Whatever happens, happens, it's out of your control and hanging onto him tightly will only make him back off...

 

 

 

Thanks for asking this question, it really got me to think and explore the "whys"....the neediness partly is due to fear of abandonment, which is a major issue from other relationships.....yes, I was this way before.

 

I don't think him and his W will reunite, after speaking with him I now know a good portion concerning the split had to do with what the W and daughters did to me. I made it clear, due to the fact that anything is possible, that if they do reunite, I cannot have any communication with him on any level.

 

You know WWIU, I don't have the fears that were experienced during the A....the biggest thing I was unable to handle was the guilt.

 

Concerning the last paragragh.....EXCELLENT advice....guess I will have to be "busy" a little more....lol.....Thanks WWIU!

[pureinheart]

You sound like you're doing wonderfully and you know what you need to do for you.

 

This seems like it might be the classic case of if it was meant to be, it will be.

 

Thank you so much, hopefully maturity is coming my way....lol....I totally believe in what is meant to be will be.....it is this very faith that has gotten me through some of the roughest times.

[pureinheart]

Pureinheart:

 

Wow what a road since your last posts. I can totally appreciate what you are going through. When My guy and I first started dating he had been moved out for 2 months and during which time we had contact only over the phone and when we worked togther, there was no alone together time (my decision until I felt it was safe to start dating him...) so I can totally understand what you are going though. Let me assure you I am ususally very independent in my rels. having said that :

 

I personally don't think that these "needy" feelings of yours are due to your irrational insecurities or because you have a needy personality. I can see that what is happening is that you are still not certain of what HE wants out of your rel. If he is not being clear with you regarding where he stands with you right now or what he wants out of your rel with him right now then that is going to cause a tremendous amount of anxiety and insecurity in you. And the difference here is that unlike a new rel where every day is unknown at the begining and you take it in stride because your emotions are not invested yet, in this case you already have a foundation of deep emotions so this contradicts what you trying to do. You went from I love you's and you are my soulmate (or whatever intense emtions you were sharing while the A was happening) to trying to date and discover one another as if you were meeting for the first time. That can be very confusing.

 

I remember the first time I went out for dinner with my guy, it was our first date...of course we had been out together before and sat over cofee or dinner and discussed work etc. but since the emotions were brought forth and we established there were emotional ties between us we had never gone out together with the intent of a romantic pairing. So when we did have our first date we were very touchy feely and for the first time we could explore our physical affection, it was very strange We were like two teens nervously caressing one another for the first time staring into each other's eyes, stealing kisses and whispering I love you's wishing everyone in the restaurant would dissapear...but it was filled with nervous tension nonetheless. After that it took quite a few times out together to feel "normal".

 

Well in time we had managed to feel normal together but the idea that he was not yet a free man completely was very trying on my psyche, so I began to act in ways that were completely out of character for me. I became insecure and needy for his reassurance that he would indeed proceed with his plans and become a free man, the more I found myself falling deeper in love. So I started to push him away, I would want to see him less frequently because I didn't want to get drawn in evern more thatn I already was.

 

What I should have done was let him feel out what it was like to switch from marriage mode to single mode before we jumped into seeing one another, two months was not long enough to let him deal with his stuff emotionally and otherwise. But our emotions were too strong at the time and we couldn't wait to be together the emotional built up had been tremendously high.

 

It looks like you are in a place where you might be able to take a step back and do it right. I would highly highly recommend giving him space to switch gears. Do yourself a favour and do him a favour because having him be unclear with you right now is only going to make you insecure and create pressure on you and him. I would wait until he is able to take on the rel full on. You guys obviously love each other so let him come to you when he is better emotionally and focus on yourself in the meantime.

 

Tomcat I am totally blown away right now....there is so much "gold" in LS....all of the nuggets make one big pot of gold! I tell you, this is gold to me....I sit in amazement wondering how I got so lucky to get all of the perfect replies.

 

He is uncertain and very unclear right now....if I didn't have the past to go by, coupled with knowing him, I would really be a mess. He's got a lot on his plate right now and so do I....my plate is much easier though.

 

I will distance and protect myself....everything you said is how I feel and the reason behind it....he knows where I'm at and how to find me.....Thank you so much!

[PoshPrincess]

Best of luck, Pure in Heart, and hope everything works out for you. The hardest bit is over although I can imagine the waiting must be hard. These sort of Rs do have a tendancy to make us feel insecure but hopefully if will all be worth it in the end.

 

x